Coruscant Entertainment Center (
http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640)
Echo 13 vs The Element of the Force (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=165345)
steven
In a parallel universe, a New Republic Marine team meets a different menace.
All right, first things first. You have problems will spelling and editing. You also have to learn to reread your work. There are words used that don’t fit, and something as simple as ‘an’ used when the following word is not a vowel. Nothing that can’t be fixed easily.
On the technical side; You have glossed over the one part I would have wanted to know. destroying the Death Star II would not have caused the Empire to collapse so readily. It was the death of the Emperor that caused the collapse.
The fleet that faced the Republic at Endor would have been only a tithe of available forces and even losing two fleet the same size (Endor then Manaan in you example) would not have crippled them.
STAR WARS The Sith Order (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=165759)
Conner
After murdering his father Ben Skywalker now hunts the remaining Jedi.
First you’re pushing the story too fast and too hard. In the prologue this makes sense, you have to give the reader a place to put their feet before the running begins. But then you jump from place to place as fast as your mind can go, and try to drag the reader with you.
You forget conversation breaks, and paragraphs, and the story needs serious editing for pace and content.
A minor aside. If the people that lived there are all dead, then it doesn’t matter what their name for the planet was, true. But it should have been mentioned earlier, not as an aside. The line would have read better as ‘The planet was called Skylrec now. Once it had been home to a few thousand settlers. What they might have called it before the arrival of the Sith was incidental. The dead don’t care.’
Star Wars: The Last Gray Jedi (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=165912)
FIAmMa
Prologue Set 9 months before The Phantom Menace; Then jumps to a few weeks before A New Hope.
The writing style is hurried, and like a lot of others, you are trying to make a movie, and hurrying the reader along. Slow down, pace yourself.
Kid, you should have left it at years, and made it just under 11 if the ‘woman’ was supposed to be Anakin’s mother. I don’t know if the force could speed up that process, but it is possible. However to have a boy grow from birth to 9 in that many months would have been noticed not only by the Jedi but by the people around him as well. The Jedi would have detected it easily because a new born has few memories, and none of them would have been correct for a child of that age.
If the baby in question is NOT Anakin, then it’s all right.
Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/forumdisplay.php?f=28&page=3&order=desc)
Paths of Life (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=10736)
Sniper Gelgok
Set near the end of KOTOR I. Devastated by Bastila's capture, Revan has to be pushed into continuing his quest.
Spelling and editing is what the piece needs more than anything else. Slow down, go back and reread, then edit. If you ever get an answer to your question (How to indent on a web page) let me know.
The angst and diving into a bottle is perfect. Keep it up.
Star Wars - Dark Counsels (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=10643)
IAmExarKun
Set in the interim between Darth Bane and Phantom Menace
The piece needs some editing, but the style is clean, clear, and draws you in very readily. The interchanges between the ship’s crew is choice, and suggests a long familiarity. The lines that struck me were;
-"You know, you don't usually pay so much attention to everything I say!"
There was the sound of a restrained chuckle. "No, only if I can use it against you..."
It is worth a good look by someone with the time to read it all. Alas, as we all know, that cannot be me.
Anakin Trusted? (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=10856)
Obi Ben Kenobi
What if the Council had trusted Anakin and let him aid it defeating Darth Sidious?
Well written with only editing and rereading to do (It’s obedient or subservient, not obeying in chapter 2)
The writer considered a lot of things others have not. Accessing the files to discover what was happening, saying ‘He gives order 66. Does that mean he had 65 more?’.
Another of those authors I wish i had time to read to the full.
kotorfanmedia (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?cat=6&paged=15)
Of Loss and Leaders (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=2013)
Glass_Mermaid
Interim just after KOTOR I: With Revan gone to save the universe, All Carth has is the memories of their epic journey and his own heart break.
Fifteen people read and commented on this. Most of them said everything I would want to say. The work is excellent only needing rereading (You accidentally used the word glass when you meant gloss) to be exquisite. The memories of a lost love, and all that lead up to that loss are expressed in poignant detail, and heartbreaking clarity.
Well done.
The Critic's 2 cents (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154203)
Hope’s End-Of Vao and Zaalbar
(
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=2017)
Hope’s End-Of Carth Onasi (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=2018)
JMSlayer
With them literally back to back I almost reviewed JMSlayer’s works separately.
But then I read them. Both deal with the loss of Revan to an assassin, and how it would have affected two of the primary characters.
Hope’s End-Of Vao and Zaalbar
With Revan Dead, Mission become what she hates the most.
A poignant and bothersome piece. As much as I hated the story line, I have to applaud not only the guts it took to write it, but the way it was handled.
Hope’s End-Of Carth Onasi
After watching Revan’s Death at the hands of an assassin, Carth spirals down into drink.
Another piece that bothered me. But damn it was good!
Life Waves (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=1990)
OnasiMagic
In dreams Revan remembers everything Carth ever said to her, and comments on his words, and life.
Well done. Everyone listens to people talking, but when we do almost all of us make our own little internal often satirical dialogue to go with it. While she loves the man, I got a sense that he never really understood, and she didn’t have the heart to tell him.
The ending confused me for only one reason.
There was no explanation of what had happened to Carth. Ah but there are more chapters for you dear reader to discover that in.