23 February
Coruscant Entertainment Center
For anyone who hasn’t read my newest work in the Outer Rim, You would not see the same thing if you read it now. When I posted it the first time, the work was complete and came in at 164 pages. Before Jae reluctantly agreed to let me post it (Afraid I’d get a negative reaction because at first sight it would look like Slash) it had grown thanks to editing and rewriting to over 184.
I have finished my fourth full edit, and it is now almost 210.
See, reread, rewrite, and edit. It works. Sometimes it gets smaller and tighter, sometimes it rips it’s way out of the cage and runs away.
The Chronicles of Crianna Oc're
Bob Lion54
As asked for, BL54 delivered.
A young imaginative girl looks to the future on Dantooine.
So far so good. The author has told me it is not complete, but I’d like to read the entire thing when it is.
Some word usage problems (Relived, rather than relieved) and the usual editing problems. But nothing rereading and editing won’t cure. The style is simple, but since it is written primarily from a young girl’s view, I allowed for that.
My star wars book. (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174507)
Darth Aida
No time period set: New students dive into their curriculum, but other problems are on the horizon.
I think every negative thing someone might say about this work has already been said before I got here. Every bit or constructive criticism has also been said.
Kid, don’t worry about the people over here in CeC. I think I’m about the meanest of the lot and no one had told me to ease down yet...
In His Service, or "Ya--Yevo'" (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=167972)
Tysyacha
As the Clone war rages, a young Padawan worries about the thought within her own mind...
The work is well done, and the homey touch of the girl washing clothes on her own was interesting. We get a depth you usually don’t get in a Star Wars character, because most are already linked to a specific job or duty. You ‘assume’ a soldier is this way or commando, or even Jedi.
Logs of a Commando (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174757)
Darth Velrogh
The records kept by a Commando during the clone wars
The style is stilted, but these are personal records kept where no one is supposed to see them. Oh, and it’s dwindling, not twiddling when numbers are falling.
An interesting piece all around.
The Jedi Archives
What He Truly Was (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=175716)
)
Mr BFA
TSL: The fallen Exile plots his revenge on the galaxy
The story flows well, a few editing and word usage problems (A problem is borne, not born) but all in all good work.
Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
Last week I requested that Swamprat send me his docs to save me some time. Sithlycrumb younglings was not sent, but the author gave a reason I accepted as valid.
Shadows of the Jedi
Swamprat Jedi Knight
No specific time given. Assumed during Young Jedi series: A Jedi collects students, and these are submitted for our approval.
Some places where you are over- wordy the phrase ‘after they landed and acquired the new student, that they would not leave at least for a day, to secure provisions, cargo, and construction materials for the uncompleted Jedi temple.’ Would have been better edited to ‘Even if the student did not delay them their departure would wait on loading supplies for the still uncompleted temple. You see, we don’t need to know what supplies they are unless they are linked to what is occurring. Such as having the student help with unloading, or something has been hidden in it, that kind of thing. No biggie.
You also tend to make run on paragraphs, but this is something easier spotted in editing. I know I do the same thing even having run on chapters that are twice as long as they need to be, so just take it from someone with the same problem.
Most Impressive (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=14822)
)
Darill Cyllem
A meeting between smugglers with some amusing twists.
The writing style is good, there is not as much characterization as I might like but it is sufficient unto the day, and the situation while stock is well portrayed.
I enjoyed the view of crime, and dividing those who work within that system because the analogy is accurate. The thieves we love to read about are the dashing debonair cat burglars or master thieves and lovable rogues.
Darill is the author of Sithlycrumb younglings as well, and this piece though it is short gives me an idea at least of what I am missing.
kotorfanmedia
Outside of the Mysterious Box (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=2904)
Joysweeper
Alternate Universe: One of the quest situations is the mysterious box, what if you lost?
The style is good though the timing is a bit vague. The idea refreshing, the writing excellent.
Seisouhen: After So Many Years Have Lapsed (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3270)
CyberCat
Seven Years after KOTOR: Revan fallen into a deep depression, is found by friends from the Ebon Hawk.
The style is a bit confusing at the start, but once the writer takes the bit it flows very well. The dissolution of Revan is done well enough that you know something is seriously wrong, but you are left with a nagging question of why. Thought provoking.
Technical note: Since Mission was fourteen when she met Revan, you made a slight error by saying she had visited Manaan at 16 unless it was a later visit.
Tika Dane: Cleanup, Chapter 1 (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3366)
MystDragon
At the end of KOTOR: Revan would prefer you not call her that. She makes a break to become herself, but others seem to know her so well...
The writing is excellent, the ‘running away’ feeling sublime. Well worth a read.
The problem I have seen with any story actually, is that ‘and they lived happily ever after doesn’t really mean that. I learned to tell stories in the Celtic style. The Celtic style says this about Happily ever after. ‘That every week they spent two days loving each other. They spent three with one of the other not feeling well, but love brought them through. They spent one day upset for one reason or another, and one day when they had screaming arguments.’
I have to agree with the character. With the choice of either running away or being molded by others, which would you take?
The Fury of the Sith (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3379)
Aelis
Set before the Events of KOTOR: A Telosian girl faces the destruction of her world and kidnapping.
The style is good, but there are some editing spelling and rewriting problems. For example scaring instead of scarring. You forgot a few words. ‘I had used a blaster for eight years, but I felt as if should use more’ makes no sense unless you add ‘it’. Since I have the same problem (Few of you will ever see my completely unedited work) I am only pointing it out.
Excellent work.
Freeze, Organic Meatbags! (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3371)
Walruseater
KOTOR: the raid on the Sith Embassy on Manaan. What could go wrong? You had to ask...
The work is well done, the story more farce than anything else, but I happen to like farce. The ‘getting in too deep, and being rescued scene reminded me of Tom Bombadil from The Hobbit meeting the dwarves and Frodo not as a cohesive group, but as parts of a story Gandalf was telling. Very funny.