Whew!! That's one big bunch of reviews. :D Thanks for all the work on these. :)

Whew!! That's one big bunch of reviews. :D Thanks for all the work on these. :)

Agreed. This makes up for all those weeks of no reviews. Good work mach.

Thank you very much for the review! I really appreciate your taking the time, particularly when you've been so busy.

My, thanks for the review on my Feb 07 entry! :)

As I said earlier, I will continue at this rate until mid June. Then I will go back to my normal lacksadaisical style

Honour bound (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174329)
HappyMojo

Set during the interim before KOTOR
The style is a bit stilted and drab, but nothing a quick polish won’t cure. I’m guilty of it myself at times. All in all good work.

Remember that when you have a speak continue talking, but the subject of the paragraph changes, you need to mark the new paragraph as a continuing conversation. As an example;
‘It defines our reality and binds our life together with more then what we see as crude matter.
”And those who wield the force are able to grasp the path of either oblivion or everything.

Technical note: A safety on a firearm is almost always a switch, so the word is redundant.

I'll look up on the paragraph thing, but as far as the style goes... it's mine, it's my own, my preciiiousssss *someone slap me out of Gollum Mode..* :P
Thanks for the feedback btw. :)

Murphyboeing the kind of guy he is, I found out about Global Jedi Day the day after I posted my last reviews.

Go figure...

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Love is a Lie (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176191)
Emperor Devon

During TSL: Atton’s past is revealed by a dark Exile, and she uses it…

I liked the story, because while I don’t really enjoy the darkside, I do enjoy well written versions of it. Every comment I would have made has been done in the comments by others.

As Jae said, edit and clean it up, and it won’t drag, ED.

Unrequited (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176029)
Darth Insidious

During KOTOR: To love someone from afar…

I wasn’t amazed that this love story occurred. I was surprised that it hadn’t happened earlier. The two characters are the stark warriors of the group aboard the ship. The ones most likely to choose fighting as an option first.

I have to agree with the others, though DI. Way too short. How about a companion piece from the other side of the relationship?

A Rose in the Daisies (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176191)
Stingerhs

No specific era given; A funeral shows the depths of one man’s love.

Except for some word usage (Lay instead of laid, to marry rather than for marriage) it is an excellent piece


For You (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176206)

Jedimaster12

After TSL: Atton and the Exile look for Revan and find danger.


A few problems with the wording of sentences, kid. ‘Breathing it’s growling breathes’ suggesting that he is trying to scent them could have more easily been ‘shuffled like an angry hunting animal’.

Pretty much everything negative has already been said by others. All it needs in a gentle polish and editing to make it shine.

"I can sing and I can love" (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=175586)
Darth Aida

No time given: A singer tries to go solo

As a typical teen story it was not too bad. The characters need more development, especially the two lovers and the ‘bad’ guy. I just wondered how it fit into the universe, except for the location of the concert.

My biggest problem with this is something everyone else seems to have ignored…

When have you ever seen a guitar in a Star Wars movie?

The only instruments we actually see are in the hands of the bands in ANH and in ROTJ. None of them recognizable except by type, wind, string percussion etc.

Needs work, but I can say that about everything including published works.


Knights of the Old Republic III: The Unknown Regions (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176622)
Topsite and Tyshyacha

Three years afterTSL: Revan and the Exile get together to face another foe…

Breaking it into separate chapters helps a lot. Two people with totally different styles. If I can keep my life straight, I think I’ll ask Tys is we can either start a new version or revive the one I’m stuck on. There isn’t much yet, but what we have sets the scene.

Technical note; A military captain does not ‘own’ his ship. He maybe ‘master before God’ aboard, but he still only commands someone else’s property. I( do know you have some people in the SW universe that do (Booster Terrick and his Star Destroyer come to mind) but that is a rarity. Historically that went out of vogue when Privateering was banned in 1864.


Revan and Exile, Sitting in a Ship... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176812)
Silentscope 001

Enroute to face the True Sith, Revan and the Exile chat…

Some spelling problems (Grude instead of grudge), and the piece is short.

I enjoyed it a lot because I enjoy comedy, even if I don’t do it that well.

Star Wars: The Loss of the Capital (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176044)
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe 3 years after order 66: Vadere returns to capture Coruscant.

The basic style is good. Most of the problems are with Canon.

Canon: While the Yuuzhan Vong are now part of the canon, they didn’t arrive until a lot later than this. Both twin children of Leia and Han Solo were full fledged Jedi when they were first contacted, and that means you have jumped the invasion by almost 40 years. Add to this the fact that the Yuuzhan Vong would have to travel from the rim to the core to attack Coruscant and that is too far for a fleet as massive as what would be necessary to travel secretly.

Last but not least, the Yuuzhan Vong were totally antipathetic to the Jedi in the two books I read of the conflict. The idea that they would let Vader and Vos live, and also support their intent to capture the capital does not fit with the stereotype of the Yuuzhan Vong leaders.


Star Wars:Once Slave, Now Emperor (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176806)
Darth Saruman

Alternate universe: Yet another contender for the Imperial Throne.

Short, rather abrupt.

Canon note: I have yet to read the book with the sun crusher in it, so I checked out the reference page for it at http://www.theforce.net). Until I get a chance to check out the canon on it, I have no opinions on the capability of what is described.


Rogue Commandos (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176854)
Fettscommando

During the clone wars: A team of commandos are sent on a mission.

The scenes are well done, the battles clear enough to visualize.

Technical note: The average infantryman arriving on Normandy beach carried more than 30 kilos on their backs in food water ammo, etc. A paratrooper dropping on D day carried almost 50. Of course they dumped it and picked it up when necessary and all of the things I mentioned are self correcting, since you eat drink and shoot it off. Weapons (The e-web itself) would not be as easy to tote, but the 82mm mortar weighs 125 (About 60 kilos) lbs and is considered man portable with it’s ammunition because a man can carry a four round box, and the tube (The heaviest part) weighs under 50 lbs (a little more that 24 kilos).


Canon note: ‘Jedi love, but it is love of all men not love of a person’. For Wedge Antilles to be the son of a Jedi his father would have had to A: conceal his love, and B: conceal the kid from the Jedi Order and Palpatine. Not to mention the fact that Luke spent a lot of time with Rogue Squadron and he would have noticed any capability the pilot had with the force.

Not to mention that he would have been born right about the time the Clone Wars ended.


First Love, Last Embrace (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176081)
JasraLantill

Before KOTOR: As Carth’s wife dies, her mind goes over her life from that first fateful meeting.

What can I say? The best I’ve seen in a long time.


Is he really a cloner? (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176646)
Darth Aida

Set at the end of the Clone Wars: An unlikely clone…

Spelling problems, grammar problems, the story is a bit short. Anything else I can say?

Oh, yeah excellent work considering. The basic story is a bit hard to swallow unless the guy had enough Mandalorian blood to look like Fett.

However technical note: Considering the training and pruning the clones went through, they probably wouldn’t have bothered to bring him in. It would be easier to merely shoot him out of hand. Also, unless his DNA matches Fett’s exactly, he could have told the truth and asked for a simple blood test.

kotorfanmedia


Ripples (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3884)
Rc773


While the Star Forge is described by many as alive, the characterization you have given what is primarily a machine is a bit distressing. Besides, if the machine was that arrogant, how did any of the Sith survive long enough to get it to work?

My main question is why is it defined as an attack on Taris? One ship (Unless it’s a Death Star or Super Star Destroyer) is not going to assault a planet. From comments made, it sounds more like a patrol ship being ambushed.

Also, we need to create a dating system that doesn’t look like 17th of August. of 25321. Since canon says ‘a long time ago in a galaxy far far away, using Christian dating systems (August is named after Augustus Caesar after all) does not fly.


She Listens (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3940)
Falnangel9124

During KOTOR After Leviathan: Revan deals with two sets of conflicting memories, and Careth’s feelings.

The scenes are crisp and well done, the story poignant witrh how the crisis is dealt with. It has received 9 thumbs up, and gets mine too.


History Part One: Taris (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3999)
NaTsu4416

Kotor during the Taris Segment: Our heroes find a way into the lower city.
Some word usage problems (illusive instead of elusive)

The author starts with ‘Revan’ and Carth much more adversarial than I am used to, however that makes the mellowing between them later that much more fun to watch. Well worth the read.


Moments 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3963)
WinterOnasi

During KOTOR: ‘Winter’ spends a lot of time on a very special gift…


Excellent work. The scene when she has to measure her victim is choice and everything flows smoothly to a crisp finish.

Purpose Beyond Revenge (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3914)
Jelendra

Pre-KOTOR: A man on the brink of collapse gets a second chance.

The story is a bit dry, but it flows well and once the main characters are together, it flows very well. Well worth a read.

Later… (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4025)
Yggdrasil

Before the climactic battle of KOTOR: Two lover speak on the eve of battle

The story surprised me only a little at the start. But the author caught the nuances of the subject with a delicacy well worth studying.


A Day in the Life (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3946)
Aelis

During KOTOR: The crew relaxes briefly and shares some emotional release before Leviathan catches them…

The story was a bit confused, moving one way or another but it settles down and is enjoyable.



Revan’s Final Battle (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4039)
Walruseater coauthored by Starwars Chick

After TSL: Revan faces a deadly foe to rescue her love


Misspelling, (Barley instead of barely) is minor, and the basics were too good to complain. Though using such an odd way to kill a true Sith struck me as a bit ridiculous.

However read it yourself and tell me what you think…


Memories (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4335)
GeneralTacticus

The climactic battle aboard the Star Forge from Malak’s view

The story flows well, going from the fight to the flashbacks through their younger lives that led the two warriors to this point. Sad an poignant.

Malak (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4175)
Aminta Jae

KOTOR: Another view of the final battle and love, but now seen both through the eyes of the children they had been, and the Sith they had become before that last battle.

Aminta does something most of us don’t. She takes the nasty rotten Malak of the game, and not only makes him human, but makes him someone you are actually sorry for. Not in the ‘he could have done better’ way, but the ‘if only…’ way.

Excellent work. My pick of the week from this site.

I liked the story, because while I don’t really enjoy the darkside, I do enjoy well written versions of it. Every comment I would have made has been done in the comments by others.

As Jae said, edit and clean it up, and it won’t drag, ED.

Hehe, I wrote the blasted thing at 2 AM. I'm happy just to hear it dragged. :p

mach: Thanks for even bothering to read For You. To be honest that was the worst piece I had ever written. I couldn't believe I wrote it while struggling with writer's block. Personally this is one of those works that could be shoved out the airlock if it were possible. Thanks again for the review.

ED,JM12, thanks for commenting. Just remember, I am not going to raise your allowances.

Both of you, whether working against not being able to sleep, or writer's block understand the problem... Sometimes you have to work through what is bothering you.

Since when have you given me an allowance mach? :xp:

Anyway sound advice. I put my fic on the back burner for now unless I get hit with an idea. Sometimes I just have to work with what is floating in my head at the moment.

Darth Aida
Set at the end of the Clone Wars: An unlikely clone…
Spelling problems, grammar problems, the story is a bit short. Anything else I can say?

I am calling you out boy.

The Critic Returns - Posted By machievelli
(On starwarsknights.com's news page.)
"As luck would have it I posted my last reviews ther day before Jedi Day. Just my luck they must have had the largest SW convention in history in Vegas, if rthe news was correect."

Before you comment on someone's grammar or spelling, I would take some serious steps in fixing your own. Also, when it comes to canon, these are fan-fiction pieces. They can write anything they want. Since you are the site's critic, you should know better than to not proof your work. You lost some serious credibility from my perspective.

EDIT ADDED::
I have also found some serious grammar issues in your previous review. Dated: 5.24.07.

F.Y.I.- "The Critic returns" is an article title, so you need caps on all the first letters. "The Critic Returns".

He's the critic, meaning he is supposed to give feedback to both help the writer improve and help people find something they want to read, if they're too lazy to do so by themselves. If someone is misspelling something frequently they might appreciate being told that 'foots' isn't the plural of 'foot'. Also, the person reading the review might want to know if something is utterly unreadable.

He's the critic, meaning he is supposed to give feedback to both help the writer improve and help people find something they want to read, if they're too lazy to do so by themselves. If someone is misspelling something frequently they might appreciate being told that 'foots' isn't the plural of 'foot'. Also, the person reading the review might want to know if something is utterly unreadable.
You completely missed what I said, so I will try to clearify my intentions. If he is in a position to critique a person's grammar and spelling, he should practice the same level of professionalism. Machievelli gave advice besed upon something he clearly does not practice. When it comes to his credibility, he should hold hismelf to the same high standards. His reviews are also on the main page of the website. What this means is that he should have proofed his work, so he does not tarnish the respect of StarWarsKnights.com. Someone like Jae Onasi would have done a better job, for she is very critical of her grammar and spelling. Her professionalism is top notch. When a person who is put into Machievelli's type of position, they should try not to make their eployeer look bad. Even though this is a volunteer job, people are still following his advice. Since he did not hold himself to the same standard (not to mention edit his work), he should apologize to the public for faultering. If he was in the educational system or publishing, Machievelli would have been fired for his performance. Since this is a site for fun and entertainment, Machievelli has an opportunity to fix and apologize for his errors.

Personally, I would want to learn from someone who practices what they preach, so I can feel confident in what I am assimulating.

The Source has made his point, but let's continue with critiques of others' works, which is the purpose of the thread. This may well be a legitimate point but it's probably better served by going through the PM system now. I don't want to see this thread turn into a flame war, and I suspect mach's defenders will be legion, so I'm going to head it off at the pass. Further discussion of mach's grammar and spelling, or defending him, is off-topic. Please take it to PMs.

Before you comment on someone's grammar or spelling, I would take some serious steps in fixing your own.


(...snip...) hismelf (...snip...) assimulating (...snip...) eployeer (...snip...) faultering


"Do as I say, not as I do"? :roleyess:

machiavelli has been contributing his insight to the writers of this site out of the goodness of his heart, with little to no personal gain. On top of that, he strives to deal with the situations that real life throws at him. The fact that he can juggle his hectic and busy life and still find time to read a majority of the works in the CEC and at KFM and comment on them on a consistent basis is one that astounds me. He is quite dedicated to reviewing, even submitting them by proxy through Jae when he did not have reliable internet for a time.

To pull him up for making what obviously seems like a rush job newspost and calling his dedication to the job in question is, quite frankly, extremely rude. Like you said and as everyone knows, mach's job is voluntary. He does it out of the goodness of his heart. So what if a few words are misspelled? That's easily fixable. And if you click the link to read his reviews for this month, you'll find that his grammar and spelling is excellent, as it has consistently been for as long as he's been posting for SWK. When you've been contributing as long as he has, I don't think a few typos are basis for calling his entire job into question.

In short, leave machiavelli alone. He is not going to be fired. All three of his very minor spelling errors have been corrected in his post.

Oh, and just a bit of Gospel for ya: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." :rolleyes:

I am going to back away from the topic, for I have been convinced that I may have been too harsh. I do believe I was correct in my accessment, but I am willing to let the subject drop to the floor.

It's time to take the advice of an elder and allow this subject to end.

Peace Out.

I noted in my post above that further discussions were off topic and I elected to delete off-topic posts--I take the responsibility for that in this case. Discussion to Niner is deleted since he's not the one responsible and so it's not applicable.

Note to other members--Mama Jae has her fire extinguisher standing by, but I'll just be very unhappy if I have to use it.... :) --Jae

Nice job!!... would like to see more!!... keep it up

Oh, and just a bit of Gospel for ya: "Let he who is without sin cast the first stone." :rolleyes:

*throws a rock at ian*

I thought several of the various fics were good

Canon:

I have explained this earlier, but perhaps I did not make myself clear.

We did not create this world we play in here. A man named George Lucas did. Rather graciously, he has allowed us, here in the official Lucasforums site, to play with his toys, and run on his fields.


But to be gracious to his host, we have to play by his rules. We do not ruin it for everyone because of our own hubris, any more than a child has the right to break the windows at a neighbor’s house.

But as one of the senior (As in older) writers here, I see it as teaching children to learn and grow. We can tweak it, we can edge it outward, and we can have fun with it. We don’t smash it ‘because we’re kids’. The first thing you must do, is teach them to respect the property of others.

To write fan fiction, you have to be so deeply immersed in the genre and universe that you want to play with it and tweak it, for I don’t see ‘fanfic’ as derogatory. I want every one of these kids to get better, to become more than they dreamed possible, and everyone I see taking lessons to heart and pushing out and doing better makes me proud to have done anything to aid them.

What I would like to see before I die half a dozen books in the Star Wars EU written by those kids of today where I can point at them and say ‘See? Give a kid the right idea and he’ll make a name for himself’.

One of my jobs here is to show them how to do that without killing the lawn. I do not ridicule them when they break canon. I point out gently that what they have done does not conform. I am willing to bet that if you ask any of those writers who are being ‘defended’ if I hurt their feelings so totally that they never want to write again, the answer would be proportionally ‘no’. Some would feel that way in any group.

The poll I created when I started this column proves it. In over one and a half years I have consistently scored better than 70 percent approval. Among my strongest supporters are two people I have reviewed more than once, both moderators. I know there are more mods that have been on my ‘hit list’, but I deal with real life first, and their rank here is not that important to me. After all with five full novels posted here, I have yet to pass the 1,000 mark on posts yet.

To state as the Source did ‘it doesn’t matter because…’ is to say Lucas has no say in what we do. We can rip up the plants and torture the pets all we want.

But if you ruin the park, how long will you be allowed to play in it?

Think about that.

June 7

With this one I am going to go back to six per main site so I can include the Jedi Archives and Galactic Senate again.
If either of those drops off the screen, I will add two to each main sites for either the Archives or Senate.


Coruscant Entertainment Center

Knights of the Old Republic III Shadow Rising (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177368)
Steven

Set two years after Sith Lords: The invasion begins

The author is not editing and proofreading his work. The writing is cumbersome because of this. As an example, he mentions an infantry squad running into a fighter squadron, which implied a strafing run. His first comment starts with several Star Forges and I will address that below.

Then he began the next paragraph with more about the character and only then did he now go back and begin a timeline to explain how those men die. A writer has to think like someone dancing. As the ‘male’ in the dance, you are leading the ‘female’ who is the reader. If you do it correctly, you both enjoy yourselves. If not you step on their toes, bump into other pairs, and it ends badly.
Canon note: This is not the first story, nor will it be the last where someone builds a ‘new star forge’ I expect to see.
I used the analogy of the cargo cult back on 23 May because the technology of the Star Forge in comparison to what the Republic and the Sith has is as far above the Stone age New Guinea tribesmen as a modern Jet liner. I am going to do a special article I hope to finish that will be directed at this concept.

The author has defined his work as failed, and it’s times like this I wish I had my own ‘wall of shame’. You see, as I have told a number of writers here, I wrote my first story when I was 11 years old. I went through a year of high school in a science fiction writing class with the teacher grading me at C- to one B+ because my ideas were ‘generic and easily foretold’.
I did not pop out on the world stage fully formed. Those who have read my work here see 42 years of busting my butt every time I sat at the pad, the typewriter, and finally the computer.
Read Starship Troopers by Robert Heinlien where he has classroom situation where a teacher asks a student what place he had in a race. He placed fourth. The teacher writes him a first place sticker, and tells him ‘here, you won the race’.

Furious, the kid rips it off. Then the teacher points out he’s proud of a mediocre finish, and infuriated by someone ‘giving’ him the victory.

If you want kudos, you have to work for them.

My KotOR Comedy (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177361)
The Architect

KOTOR: The title says it all.

Problems with dialogue. Remember to have a paragraph break when you change speakers.

The humor starts fast and furious, and doesn’t really stop. He says he’ll release the rest around Christmas, but he’s past his due date.

Now I’m ticked…

Tearing the Veil From Grace (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177041)
Mr. BFA

Four Years after TSL: Happily ever after sometimes isn’t

Problems with word usage. ‘disregarding’ a lightsaber instead of discarding it. Trialing someone instead of taking them in for trial. The others in the comments section have already said every negative about the writing style I could mention.


The Bothan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177056)
Silentscope 001

Entry for Javyar's Cantina contest ending March 31st. Subject; Betrayal:

The others in the comments section have already said every negative about the writing style I could see.

However having read the books linked to the expanded universe, it was the Empire that claimed the Alliance had built the Death Star II and only the heroic sacrifice of the ‘glorious emperor’ had destroyed it. They had also claimed that it was the Republic that destroyed Alderaan with a super weapon. So to say they are ‘honest’ only means you are willing to accept their take on what happened. An argument I have had with many an anti-war person, people who think the Democrats can walk on water, and America-basher on several sites.

As for fanon or Canon? The books are considered Canon, and merely making it Alternate Universe would make it acceptable.

Very well done piece.

Tri Protiv Dvukh ("Three Against Two") (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176604)
Tysyacha

From near the end of TSL: The Masters thought they had her outnumbered…

The story is excellent, and instead of cleaving to the dialogue from the Game Tysyacha too us another just as valid way. Very well done.

Star Wars: Second Betrayal, First Betrayal (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176564)
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe after the clone wars: Vader removes the last obstacles.

Everything I can say about this has been addressed in the comments below. The usual work we expect from DS.

Something I made awhile back for an unfinished..... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177265)
Lord Fear

No specific time given: A comedy spoof

The biggest problem I had with it was misspelling and grammar. You also missed several obvious jokes, but I’m older than you are, maybe they weren’t that obvious.

The Murderer, the Thief and the Boss. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176566)
Darth Aida

No specific timeline: A murder for hire at school

Every negative with the basic writing and story has been voiced except for one…

DA, you tend to follow an idea down in flames. Usually this is a good thing, but is my experience that you have to put it down, walk away write something else and only then come back and look at the work to see if you can edit and improve it. I know you don’t have a lot of time for the monthly challenges, but if you post two days before the deadline, it will still be in the running.

As for never playing the games, most libraries should have a copy of the walk through books. If not, there is an entire website under Lucas Arts that can walk you through KOTOR or TSL scene by scene in the same manner.

The Return. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177415)
Kotor If

At the end of ROTS: A surviving Jedi flees Coruscant.

The style needs some editing and polishing. Do that and this will turn out all right.

Canon: As much as most of our readers came out of RPGs, and I understand using that as the basis. But two of these Jedi types make no sense. As an example the term ‘sniper’ has specific connotations and none of them are linked to swordplay. Brute makes even less sense. I have yet to see and usage of the word ‘brute’ in a description that is complementary to the subject. That is; except for brute strength.

Technical. A battalion, unless it has been smashed into wreckage in combat consists of between five and seven hundred men. Thirty men is an under strength platoon. Read the article I wrote about army units in the resource center.

Also, I seriously doubt you are going to find a storehouse of replacement limbs in the average corporate office or monastery. In modern day, the fitting of a prosthetic limb takes weeks. Even in that world, you would still need time to heal the injury first. Unlike a modern artificial limb, you also have neural connections that would make it unlikely that someone could just slap one on and expect it to work.

KotOR I sequel (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177259)
Darth Badguy

A follow on for KOTOR: Darth Revan reminisces on his return to power

Like Topsite said, it’s good that you mentioned that English is a second language, so you won’t get dinged for word usage or spelling.

The basic Idea is sound and flows well. I wish I had time to read this in its entirety.

As Topsite commented, there aren’t a lot of the Dark side endings here, yours is one orf the better ones so far.

KOTOR III: The Dark Reckoning (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177531)
Tysyacha

KOTOR III: As Revan falls again, others seek for him and the Exile.

The basics are good, the story line sound.

Diamond in the Rubble (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177494)
Cygnus Q’ol

After KOTOR: A scavenger goes to Taris and finds more than he bargained for.

Unless the name is new I have never read this author’s work before and I wonder… Is it someone I have read, or merely the first posting?

Because it is reminiscent of some one I reviewed in the last year or so, and it’s good work.

Kotorfanmedia

Old Wisdom (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4099)
RogueLadySabyne

Alternate Universe Set after ROTJ: When Luke needs someone to talk to he gets another lat Jedi. Try 4,000 years too late.

I saw who showed up, and remembered a story I reviewed where the crew were the ghosts of Christmas past. This work caused me to chuckle as the irascible spirit of Jolee Bindo does for Luke Skywalker what he was able to do for Revan. Well worth the read. Only 9 thumbs up, but worth more. (6)

Echoes in the Force (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4119)
Darth Ramsis

During TSL before Dantooine: Kreia explains in her normal fashion.

What I thought interesting about this work was at the end. The idea thatr as much as the Jedi Masters were terrified, that the force would heal itself if you let it. I am rarely surprised by what an author will do, but it surprised and delighted me.

Very well done.

Rain (He Never Loved Me) (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4126)
RogueLadySabyne


After KOTOR: Unrequited love darkens the wedding of Carth and Revan

The character is of course the author’s so I am not surprised that I didn’t recognize her. But the angst of someone who has known Carth since she was a kid, and sees him marry another was very well done.

The Fountain (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4158)
Riansage

After KOTOR: Revan reminisces.

The story works very well. Making Revan as a kid a hellion, and Malak sensitive enough to be a painter was a surprise. But her reaction to the fountain made me feel for both of them.

Up for my best of this week.

The Final Moments (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4124)
WinterOnasi

After KOTOR: Revan’s memories return, starting the order’s frantic search for the Exile.

Winteronasi does quality work, sometimes like a cook with few ingredients who still turns out an excellent repast. My only problem is having Revan and the Exile meet then separate, but hey, I’m a purist.


Beautiful Darkness - Part 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4218)
Jedi serenity

During KOTOR enroute to Manaan: Sometimes love is watered by tears…

There are times when the minimalist approach makes the most sense. JS did this so well I wonder if she has any professional credits.

Return (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4282)
CodeName Targeter

After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home?

This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly.

That isn’t derogatory. It’s a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up.

Bastila’s Holocron (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4142)
Joysweeper

KOTOR during the mission on Tatooine: We get a look inside Bastila’s mind as they find her father’s holocron.

The style starts a bit bland, but the subject matter and the internal wrangling Bastila undergoes is well worth the time.

The Return of Revan (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4339)
Jedi serenity

After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited.

The story is basic and poignant. Very well done.

20 thumbs up, and worth every one.

A Mismatched Set-Chapter One ( http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4350)
Falnangel9124

Falnangel9124

Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo.

Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting

Desperate Measures (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4371)
Grimrabbit

Sequel to her version of Kotor: What Dreams May Come; As the team that captured Revan returns, Bastila begins to plan.

A scene we don’t get to see in Kotor, this explains some of what happened aboard Revan’s ship.


Dagen Academy (htthttp://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4412)
Alexxx

After TSL: After the rigors of that quest, the new Jedi settle in to teaching. But it won’t last…

Alexxx tends to jump around. Not a major problem, but it can get annoying. I do the same time, which is why I ask people to critique my work if possible, or reread and edit. All in all an idyllic scene.

Thank you for the review, Mach.
It's not one of my best at all, but I aim to edit and change alot within the story, and hopefully it will be better than what it is now.

Once again, thanks. :)

Since I will be able to work on this friday morning, I am going to return to my friday postings.

How long my job will stay stable, I won't bet on. This from a guy living in Vegas.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Beggining
(http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177841)
ExiledFish

Before KOTOR: The woman later known as Kreia sets out on her first Padawan assignment.

Some word usage problems, the title begs for a spelling check. Man instead of Many, sittin instead of sitting. I hate to tell you, that while a computer might suggest punctuation and spelling, it’s really up to you to remember to use it correctly.

The basic story line is pretty good. I tried to make Vrook a bit more human in my KOTOR novel, and seeing him as a guy perhaps flirting with a woman is a nice touch.

Every Little Thing (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=175992)
Bee Hoon

After TSL: A hard decision creates another one.

The work needs polishing. Other than that I can’t think of anything bad to say about it. Well done.

The Second Coming Of Evil (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164229)
Mr. BFA

It’s infusing, not fusing, and it’s we’re not were. No biggies I can see so far.

As someone who gets a little depressed when I get a lot of views and no comments, I understand how you feel. But if I had walked away from this pop stand because enough people didn’t look, you would have never even met me.


A Jedi Attachment (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178168)
Reuben Shan


KOTOR: A brief vignette

The work could use some polish, and re-reading-editing, but nothing that really needs to be done.

Short was right. This is a mere scene. How about making it a little bigger, eh? Of course I can’t do anything coherent in this short a space.


The Destruction of the Star Forge (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178166)

Reuben Shan

You know, RS, I could repeat the above review exactly here. You’re doing some good work, but it is so short the reader barely gets moving before the ride stops.

Blood Band Brothers (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176004)
Point Blank
Relenzo2

No specific timeline, but during the Rebellion: a Young Wookie gets his chance to taste battle

Remember paragraph and conversation breaks. It’s ‘dressed’ not trussed. Trussed implies being tied up. The discussion of what to use for a battle cry was choice. My favorite has always been ‘not again, damnit!’

I was hung up between considering whether this would be a parody or serious. You didn’t handle the movement to contact very well, primarily because you’re trying to treat a ground action like a fleet action. The fighters could be pounding defenses rather than poking along as if they are on escort duty. Your explanation of the Wookiee fighting style was funny, because most masters wouldn’t admit that you’re going to beat on the problem until it goes away.


The Jedi Archives

The Jedi Purge's Failure (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176801)
Darth Saruman

Alternate Universe. End of ROTS: The Purge of the temple fails, but that isn’t all…

When you wrote annoyed, did you mean avoided? You’re also having problems with homonyms. Reread, edit, and polish.

Canon: Last week I commented on the use of sniper and brute, and even watching that the two can do, the class makes no sense. Does anyone have access to a copy of the game books online?

The primary reason Jedi ‘sniper’ makes me irritated is that the term has been used only in the last century and a half, and for one only thing, riflemen. To call someone who throws a lightsaber a sniper is like saying an armored swordsman is a Tank.

What next, Jedi purse-snatcher?

Promises (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178499)
Jedimaster12

Part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy

It should be exasperated not –ing. Homonym problems (Won instead of one) but nothing major.

It is always interesting to look at someone’s representations of a society. This gives us a good idea of a number of their beliefs.

Inner Darkness Chronicles (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179360)
Igyman

The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier.

The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

PROJECT: HAILFIRE (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=11145)
Elelohesterling

No specific era given: A mission to find the homeworld of the Jedi leads to danger

Some spelling and homonym problems, but these are editing problems.

The biggest problem with the style is it doesn’t flow. Scenes are put together well, but they have no life, no spark. What you need to do is slow down a bit, reread, edit and visualize the scene as if it were a movie. Even with the best of actors, a scene that does not flow is unsatisfying. No biggie, I have written some scenes that may this look like Oscar material.

The Legend of Admiral Griff (AU) (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15071)
Konig15

Alternate Universe Before the destruction of Alderaan: What if some of the men who fought for the Empire were driven by honor rather than orders?

What can I say? The piece needs editing, but every editor you run into will tell you that. But it is well written, and makes me wish more men like this character were in the Empire.

Well worth the read, listed as one of my best in this review.

Kit’s Tale (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15187)

Oscar the Grouch

Battle of Yavin: An old friend of Anakin Skywalker faces off against Darth Vader

The style is good if a bit abrupt. Having two old friend dueling in fighters is excellent, and having them not know they faced each other makes the story poignant. Very well done.

Kotorfanmedia

Love Beyond Words (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4641)
Mayla

After the climactic battle of the Star Forge: A little personal time is needed…

The style is good, the piece kind of short, and as one reviewer said, the dйnouement needed a little more set up. But well written all around.

About To Crash, Chapter 1
(http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4442)
Mayla

Alternate Universe During KOTOR on Korriban: An interesting twist on the storyline.

Reading into it, I saw the usual Korriban story. Then Mayla slapped me in the face with the one person I would not have expected. The story is long enough to satisfy, yet short enough to make you want more.

Still Yours (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4448)
Faelyn

After TSL, but time not specified: A show of deep loyalty

The piece is short, but long enough to see the situation and feel for all parties. For the last year of so, I have been tapping one story a week in my reviews as must reads. I’m torn as to whom to nominate for this week. This story is why.

Coming Home (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4576)
Walruseater

Six Years after KOTOR: Revan finally returns, but not to the welcome she expected.

The author took a unique look at this situation, interweaving characters from both KOTOR and TSL. Excellent work.

Of Love and War (Re): Chapter one (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4422)
Aminta Jae

Prelude to the attack on the Endar Spire: Trask and Aminta reminisce.

An interesting take on the Endar Spire and her crew. The dialogue suggests a long association between them, yet we know that can’t be the case. It begs the question; how many people aboard knew who Revan was?

The style is excellent, the scenes crisp.

Backup: Beginnings (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4607)
Onasilvslv

Five Years after the Star Forge: Carth is compelled to follow Revan no matter what cost.

The scenes don’t flow together easily, but once in the next scene, that is incidental. Every one is well done, the scenes themselves pieces of art.

Very well done.

Thanks for the review mach. I knew I missed something. As to that piece I figured that it was time to write something since it was somewhat glossed over in the main work. I thought it necessary to show how a young guy and an admiral become bonded like brothers almost. I enjoyed writing that piece.

Thanks for the review! I'll polish up when I have time:)

Thank's for the review, Mach! :D
I'll finish editing it when I get enough time.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

This week I am going to review a body of work by two different writers rather than just one from each. This is not a special treat; it is because these two wrote seven stories in a row between them.

ExiledFish is first with his three;

Atop the Rakata Temple (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178261)

KOTOR: The battle between Revan and Bastila

Some problems with word usage. Span is not a synonym for spun or spin you jumped from past tense to present tense a few times as well.

The scene is well thought out, but still feels a bit contrived. Reread it and see what can be polished from your view.

Star Wars: Darkness Of The Past (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178253)

Alternate Universe, no timeline given: A smuggler is captured by the authorities and finds a new destiny.

Makeshift need not be capitalized in paragraph 1. Interrogation is not spelled that way (title of chapter 2). You have grammatical and spelling errors, but they are consistent, meaning that English is probably a second language.

The basics are sound, but you’re rushing, leaving out words, and not using a spelling checker.

STAR WARS: A NEW AGE EPISODE I (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178395)


Alternate Universe end of Revenge of the Jedi: Anakin’s new goal

Word usage problems, and you’re not completing ideas. In paragraph two you started to make a statement, but left out the middle. Remember question marks.

There is a cure for the problems of this piece and you yourself said it in the reply to Lord Spitfire. You have to write it out in a verbal projectile, but once you have gone back and reread it more slowly. It will take about three times as long as you are doing now, but you’re readers will appreciate the care.

We’re not that impatient here, you know.

Bobby Pendragon wrote the next four stories in sequence, and three are not a short, but a short-short, one of the most difficult forms because you have to give the reader everything in less than four pages. The last is the longer story Topsite (Hey stop changing you’re name!) commented on, and I have to agree with is assessment.

These stories are:

Juhani's Death (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178172)


I see they lambasted you pretty good in the notes on Juhani’s Death, kid, so I will hold off on commenting.

Revan's Fall (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178312)


The scene in Revan’s fall had little continuity. It wasn’t the flashes of reality that a real battle is, rather it is a lack of cohesion in the piece itself. Oh, and ‘yaht’ is spelled yacht.

Darth Aroes' Rise to Power (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178318)

In Darth Aroes' Rise to Power you needed to edit. In the first paragraph alone you have two errors a spell check would have caught layed instead of lay, slayed instead of slain. Again there was little continuity.

In my own works I have had characters joke about falling. But one thing they say fits the problem I see in this last work. They don’t get up in the morning and say ‘I’m bored, lets go to the dark side’. From that first paragraph I could see he had started his slide before the ‘wookiee sized’ apparition, but his slide is still too swift. Plus you took the training and final duel, something that should have taken a dozen pages or more, and compressed them into two paragraphs.

I feel these pieces are too short. They are single scenes that do not light beyond their edges. This is good in some cases, but these leave me with a feeling of ‘all right, where’s the rest’.

Chaos in the Republic (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177817)


In Chaos in the Republic you forgot to mention that he was the last member of the line, and as several have told you ‘descendant’ is just as acceptable as the ‘great’ ad nauseum. You’re making the same kind of mistakes, but they are spread out more, and the background and characters are better formed.


The Jedi Archives

Nothing new in the Jedi Archives, so I’ll look back next week.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

The Dark Coffin After KOTOR II (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=12609)
Darth Dookie

Intro: A young Sith calls upon the evil of Marko Ragnos.

Spelling, editing, word usage are all problems with this piece. The basic idea is sound. Now go back, calm down, edit, and tell it to us again.

Oscar the Grouch (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15197)
The Little Death Star That Could. (Almost)

Children’s story; the fate of the first Death Star, and how the Bothans got that information about .the second Death Star

I chuckled through this work. The piece is cute and light, though it does need editing a bit.

Hunted (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15322)
Master Kinnon

Six years after the Yuuzhan Vong war: An attack is launched

The style is good, though the author is mixing metaphors. Alpine suggests mountains while tundra suggests frozen grasslands.

kotorfanmedia

Warblade (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4560)
RC773

During first part of KOTOR: The Star Forge comes up with a unique way to guarantee its survival…

There are spelling and editing problems, but nothing that cannot be corrected by simple editing.

The idea is intriguing. I have pointed out several times why another Star Forge can be built. The author has come up with a way around the problem…

Ten Minutes (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4961)
Jalana

KOTOR after the climactic battle: Ten minutes can change everything.

I was stunned when I read this. Not the dйnouement, but the sheer complexity of feeling created by the author, all told through the eyes of Juhani. I honestly can’t think of a way to express my delight at this work except to make it my pick of the week.

Eighteen readers gave it a thumbs up, and it deserves a lot more!

Relative (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4900)
Aminta Jae

KOTOR: An examination of the merits of good and bad, and the consequences.

The ending was a surprise, but after a moment, I was surprised that I had been. After all the story had gently led the reader to that point, and only our own biases would tell us anything else.

One of the more interesting suggestions was that prim and proper Vrook was known once for his escapades. It makes me wonder is the Jedi had been more akin to bees spreading pollen instead of Christian style monks.

Excellent work.

The Promise (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4867)
Walruseater

From pre-KOTOR to game: Juhani’s life and her death

The work is excellent, the story and rational well considered and presented. Well worth a read.

He Found Her (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4952)
Alexxx

After TSL: Carth and the exile go after Revan into the Unknown

You forgot some conversation breaks, but any problems with the work can be fixed with an edit.

The only problems with the work are there is no explanation of how the climactic battle could happen, and the entire thing was far too rushed to really get into. Sort of like getting in the car, punching the gas, and slamming into the wall of the garage.

Changed View (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4719)
Noneko

KOTOR: A look at the life of Thalia May

Most of us ignore the shadowy non player characters. It isn’t that they are not there, or unimportant. It’s like the ultra rich with their servants. How many of them even bother to ask how that servant’s day has gone?

Noneko who has graced my reviews before makes us look, and the look is refreshing and fun. Well worth the read.

mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again.

mach, I've only changed my Username once, but I will change it for a second time soon. Good reviews again.

I know, kid. I'm just being a pain. BTW, for my research, do you have access to the royal patent office on the other side of the pond?

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Between Shadows (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174608)
Bee Hoon

From TSL: Excerpts from the author’s own TSL works.

The style needs a bit of polishing, but not as much as I might anticipate. Remember my mantra kid, edit, reread, rewrite and edit again.

Nice work.

Prodigal Knight (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174557)
Jedi Athos

During and right before the Clone Wars: An expatriate Jedi must decide what is right.

The work needs some editing and polishing, but I enjoyed what I read immensely. The basic idea is sound, the characters a little wooden but still believable.

The Second Sacrifice (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179053)
Tysyacha

Forty Years after Yavin: A dark Jedi must choose a new path.

The piece is up to Tys’ usual standard, needing only a polish to make it shine. Having just begun the LOTF series, I appreciate the warning.

Nom Anor: An Executor Always Has An Escape plan... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174961)
Trex

During the Yuuzhan Vong war; what really happened to Nom Anor?
Some spelling problems, Iagoesque is proper. It is used or tested on, rather than abused. Denial instead of denile.

The story tends to drag, and four chapters in (I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery.

What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive.

The little Jedi (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178661)
Darth Stephanie

Before KOTOR: Revan in training.

I see a lot of other people have taken you under their wing, kid. The advice they have already given is what I would have said, so keep at it.

Remember to always grammar check, spell check, and as everyone know my mantra; edit, reread, polish, and repeat until it is perfect. Or at least until it is good enough.


Choice By the Wayside (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179126)
JediMaster12

Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all.

An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall.

A Reason (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177079)
Bee Hoon

Before KOTOR: There is always a reason.

I could tell even without the comments Bee Hoon made that this had been beta read. The story is a bit confusing, jumping to present then back-story, but it is worth the read as all is explained.

The Jedi Archives

Imposter (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179834)
Darth Balatro

Word usage problems, and you’re not completing thoughts. ‘If you try to run the prince’ should have been ‘away from’ or ‘flee. You used was instead of saw. You didn’t differentiate between dream and reality, and my last question is, is this in the Star Wars Universe?

The piece is too short to really judge your style beyond that.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

ARC Trooper (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15700)
Darth sithus

During RTOS invasion of Kashyyyk: A team of ARC commandos preps for a mission.

The style is good, but I had problems with the way the story was told.

First, while I could see the average human group falling into the insiders and outsiders (Pilot and troopers) I cannot see the clones either being casually brutal with each other, or grossly insubordinate (Shooter insulting the captain). With the programming they received, they should still be instantly obedient to authority. For a grunt to verbally abuse an officer makes no sense.


Personal Log - A Troopers Story (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15484)
Angry Wookiee

During Clone Wars: A trooper keeps a private journal.

Forgot question mark (when will we achieve peace?) You made the same mistake in other places, but that is something easily corrected.

Technical note: When in camp you are on perimeter watch, not border.

It’s interesting to see the divergence in the base material of the clones. The original Republic Commandos were considered divergent enough to be worthy of destruction until they were rescued. To see the man who Jango Fett might have become if he had let go of his self-control is astonishing and delightful.


How To Save A Life (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=15872)
ForceFlow

Between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Jedi: A girl is sent by a mob boss to assassinate a Jedi.

It’s belows rather than bellows, but I see your spelling checker did the same thing mine did, re-spelling. If you go back and retype it, the checker will accept, though it doesn’t like it. You misspelled Coruscant, and there are some more spelling errors. It’s due instead of do. Conversation breaks are important, and every speaker should be separate. Don’t use abbreviations as if texting; it is you not u. As much as ‘Lazer’ is used in entertainment, the acronym is properly spelled laser.

Technical note: Mafia however you spell it has specific Earth connotations, as does the date (Named after a specific man; August was named after Augustus Caesar). Avoid things that point specifically at our own planet. It’s a problem a lot of writers have even when using other countries here.


Brothers By All But Blood (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16139)
Miasmo

Between ESB and ROTJ: Aboard the Millennium Falcon, Lando Calrissian and Chewbacca mourn the capture of Han Solo in their own ways.

The work needs polishing, but not as much as you might think. As for spelling and grammar ask someone to beta read it before you post next time.

The feelings of the two characters that are the least demonstrative is intriguing, and well worth the read. Having Han leave a will was a bit much, but seals the bond between the characters in such a way that it is completely believable.


kotorfanmedia

Knights of the Old Republic: Chapter One:- Ambush (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4743)
Kyoko

KOTOR: The battle of Endar Spire through the eyes of a civilian

Chest-hit is a bit cumbersome. And it’s awakened, not woken. Also, you unholster or draw a weapon, holstering implies putting it away.

The antipathy the main character feels for the Jedi is well done. Carth ‘suggesting’ she help by starting to draw his weapon, and the acrimonious byplay between Carth and Shiroko is good.

Technical note: Every well knows author of science fiction and especially space battles has one thing in common, the perception that an escape pod must be designed with the idea that the occupant might be either injured or in some other way incapable of operating the machine. That means they have to be pretty much automatic. There is no mention of damage to the pod itself. Also you go to all the trouble to say Endar Spire is new, yet have old worn equipment on the lifepod.

But the fighting, snippets of reality as they really are, deserves praise.

First Kiss (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4793)
Onasilvslv

KOTOR During Kashyyyk segment:

The style is good the mental interplay during the kiss excellent. The sarcastic comments of her inner voice were delightful. The idea that a Jedi can be startled by a tach, then so inept at compliments directed at her made the character warm and fun. Being irritated that she was lost, the amusement it caused Carth made you want to chuckle along.

28 readers gave this a thumbs up.

Not of His Choosing (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5064)
Jiara

KOTOR during Dantooine segment: The Jedi mourns… But who?

The style is good, the story surprising. The victim is not who you think it is as the character suffers her angst, and the end makes you want to giggle.

36 readers gave it a thumbs up. Kudos!

Truths (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4835)
Faelyn

TSL on Malchior: Kreia considers the fate that comes.

It’s possessed, not processed. Otherwise well written.

We all know Kreia had her own motives for what she had done. This version works very well.


Inhibitions (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4852)
Jedi serenity

KOTOR enroute to Tatooine: In vino et veritas

The story flows well, the scenes from the drunk’s point of view well laid and built. Having her fall asleep in the middle of the kiss was a bit much, but funny in it’s own way.

23 readers gave it a thumbs up.

Thanks for the reviews!:)

I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well:)

Thanks for the reviews!:)

I'll be sure to polish up both when I have the time. Hehe, I actually didn't really get a beta reader... Just reread repeatedly until I was satisfied:P I'll try to work on the flow of A Reason as well:)

Nice to know my suggestions bore fruit, kiddo. Thanks.

Choice By the Wayside
JediMaster12

Before the Phantom Menace: A teacher explains how choice affects all.

An interesting premise kid. Like the movie ‘It’s a wonderful life’, you showed how events would have collapsed if it were not for that one keystone that holds the wall.
I never thought of it that way mach. I was thinking of a what if for the kfm challenge and the first attempt involved Jolee but I didn't like it and started again. This time I felt it better to have someone who would know the stories, considering she is a descendant, if you caught that. :D
Thanks for the review.

Holiedaze:

My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me.

No chance in hell.

First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know.

This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was.

So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve.

But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it.

Holiedaze:

My acritlce will be late because of real life yet again. My driver's license expires this month, and I had hoped to just go down, hand them money, and have it sent to me.

No chance in hell.

First, I'm in another state. They expect mer to trot out a passport or birth certificate, which is goode since the only times I travelled overseas I did it in uniform (No passport necessary) and my birth certificate doesn't have my name on it, something easier to explain later if you really want to know.

This leaves me with having to get a DD214, the discharge papers from the service. But the Federal building near home isn't where the VA hangs it's hat, and the building is so new, the man I spoke to didn't even know where it was.

So instead ofr heading to work with everything taken care of, I have to go in search of the VA, then send off for the DD214, then wait for it. On top of that anyone remember what day after tomorrow is? The library is closed that day. So I'll be three days behind the curve.

But don't fret. I'll post a double to make up for it.

Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/index.html)

Mach try this website for your 214: http://www.archives.gov/st-louis/military-personnel/index.html)


All well and god, except that I must have a written request sent through channels. Thanks to the privacy act of 1974, it cannot be submitted through e mail

Yuck....if it makes you feel better I'm having a similar problem.

I'm missing a page of my 214 and had to submit a request for a new copy.

Sitrep: The VA doesn't have an office in Las Vegas. The nearest regional office is in Reno. Try LA to San Franciso via Sacramento.

Luckily they can mail me the form I have to fill out, so desert trudging is not in the future

Postring a bit early because I have to get up at 4 AM to get to work, and wouldn't be able to post until almost seven tomorrow evening.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Revan: A Day in the Life of A Jedi (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178664)
Darth Stephanie

During period of Mandalorian Wars and their aftermath: A diary of Revan.

Welcome to the boards, kid. Serious problems with spelling editing and grammar. You also jump between Revan being a military officer and being a Valley Girl.

While your comment was disingenuous, you forget that people do not write in their diaries in what to them is a foreign language until they feel comfortable. Ask Tysyacha, who does well with English, but is Russian I believe. If you get a chance, see a very bad western named Winterhawk. The title character is a Cheyenne, and when he is speaking in his own language, he is eloquent and thoughtful, but when he is speaking to some white men who don’t speak Cheyenne he comes across as dumb as a post.

Philosophy of The Force (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=159862)
John Skywalker

Sequel to The Adventures of John Skywalker: Now separated from the Sith, John is given a reason to fight again.

I haven’t reviewed JS’s work recently. The piece is cumbersome, like you couldn’t think of exactly what you wanted to say. Nothing that polishing and editing won’t fix. Some minor grammar and spelling problems, again easily corrected.

It’s interesting mixing a dream with a vision. Having him see Padme through Anakin’s eyes, then seeing the harbinger of Vader.

Knights of the Old Republic III: Sith Empire (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177110)
Lord Spitfire

After TSL: The Exile prepares to follow Revan, and discovers other truths.

Welcome to the site, kid. The piece needs polishing and editing, and since others have been pointing out phrases that don’t ring true, I won’t address them.

Technical note. When setting up a camp, you automatically do a lot of things, and adapt to the threat as needed. If you expect to set up camp where an enemy will attack, you add special additions to them. Embrasures, berms, mines and pungi stick to stop those pesky ground bound bad guys, and automated guns to take out the airborne ones. If you expect attacks by ‘stealthed’ enemies, you add pressure heat and motion sensors. As big and bad as a terentatek is, adding a few automated heavy blasters would slow them down. Even in the future, military truth is still truth.

Me and Sith Fight (My Worst Fic EVER!) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179201)
Tysyacha

No specific time given: A kid can dream, can’t he?

The title warned me, Tysy. I have to agree with the others, it’s like a pun. It’s so bad, and still kind of funny.


Heart of Deception (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=169811)
JediMaster12

The continuing adventures of Kirabaros: Plots and counter plots

The story it follows was good, and so is this. Some problems with word usage (You said ‘is alive and well as is you.’ Instead of ‘as you are’.

The interplay and plotting is interesting.

The Jedi in the east (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=165948)
Anakin34

Time not given, but obviously after TSL: A pair of young Padawan prepare for a journey.

Everyone is jumping in to help so what can a mean old critic do?

Reread, edit, rewrite, Polish, and repeat until is slides smoothly.

Emma (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178128)
Natedogg

First, avoid words that have specific historical connotations. Instead of ‘Banzai’ it would have been acceptable to say ‘all or nothing’, because they are pretty much the same idea. The story has a flow problem in that it runs like a river suddenly meandering when it was flowing hot and fast just a moment before. Jae addressed anything else.

Jae is right that your battle scenes are pretty good, but they are also abrupt. Not a problem, but you can make them larger with little effort if you wish.

A Journey for Closure (One Shot) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179540)
Jedi Knight 707

After TSL: A Jedi finds closure

Welcome back. There were wording problems (‘You brought made your own’) for example. The basics are intriguing, and except for editing problems it is pretty good.

Death of a Prophecy (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178134)
JediAthos

After TSL: While searching for the Exile, Mira meets yet another legend.

I knew it had been beta read so I went at this one hammer and tongs.

But having JM12 beta read one of mine in the middle of an IM chat mind you, I know how hard a taskmistress she is. Between them, they turned out a quality piece of work here. Everything mean I could say was already said, so I just sat back and enjoyed.

The fighting is clear enough to be worthwhile, though as someone who actually watches the fight scenes for fun, I would wish for more. But that’s a personal foible.

Bridge over Troubled Water (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178104)
Topsite

In the interim between KOTOR and TSL: An interesting view of Revan’s preparations…

Some spelling errors, but nothing that editing wouldn’t cure. The basic story is interesting, and the way you led up to it in the first part drew me in. Very well done.

Knights of the Old Republic III The Second Sith War (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=167170\)
Master Jimmy

In interim between TSL and KOTOR III:

All right kid, here it is. The opening scroll is cumbersome, and there are redundant phrases. You are also pushing the story a bit in the first chapter.

Allow it to flow, kid. Think of a sword master, and reduce it to Tai Chi speed, like I suggested in my own work ‘the Beginning’ for the Echani. Part of the reason for it is to make every movement precise and fluid. If you don’t believe me, ask someone whose butt was kick by a practitioner of that art. Speed it up, and it’s lethal.

The basics are there, the idea sound. Keep it up. Just work to make it flow smoothly.


Right time.... wrong place (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177766)
Daft Adidas

No specific time given: A rescue team finds danger

Problems with spelling, word usage, grammar. As much as ED says it isn’t that important, think of a racetrack with that flat smooth tarmac. Then picture every misspelled word, clumsy analogy and grammatical oddity as yet another obstacle you put in the reader’s way. Make it smooth as silk, and the reader will reach the end before he expects it. That will make them want more, kid.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Jedi Knights - Last Stand (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16623)
Nightvision90

Ninety years after the battle of Endor: The Jedi search for someone to unite them again

The style is good, with some quirks that bother me a bit, but nothing major.

Question, did you mean insanely or angrily when Sidney asks ‘madly’? The usage made me think of angrily. Also you should try not to use the same word too often. You used madly twice in the space of four paragraphs.

To the Edge of Darkness: Book 1 (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=13528)
92-ser
Sequel to the Alternate universe work "Rise of the Empire": Empire day

Pretty well written though there are problems (engrained should be ingrained).h Just a little polish and edit. A pity I didn’t have time to read very far into it (three chapters).

A Galaxy Not So Far Away (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16681)
Catwmnjedi

Our own future: A female pilot starts hearing voicing calling her home.

The style is good, the pacing excellent. While I would challenge it on the ‘log ago in a galaxy far, far away’ theme, it was getting interesting when I reached the end.

Outcasts - Dawn of Rebellion (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16648)
Nightvision90

Two years after ROTS: A captain thinks it’s easy to sell a Jedi…

Well done, the start intriguing. But isn’t Manaan a planet, not a race?


kotorfanmedia

The path of my heart. (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4811)
Jedi Knight Revan

Before KOTOR: An unlikely hero is drafted

The biggest problem I had with this is simple human nature. Most criminals are not known for their sense of honor, so the idea that a thief is going to accept the government’s ‘invitation’ strikes me as wrong. But the story itself is pretty good.

Beyond the Rim (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4934)
Darth Xio Jade

After KOTOR: Revan has dreams

The piece is short and abrupt. The meter is good, but it’s like starting a car with a standard without pushing in the clutch. It jumps forward, then died. There was just enough to pique my curiosity, then it ended.

Knights in Tights (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=4979)
Miraea Starr

After KOTOR: The Ebon Hawk makes a brief detour thanks to a black hole.

As much as I get upset with people dragging Earth into the Genre, this looks interesting. Especially when you have such logical explanations of exactly who and what the members of the crew are. As one of the people who commented aid, it’s insane, and I loved it.

Rise of the Blood King (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5006)
Kirabaros

During KOTOR: An idyllic scene will soon be torn apart.

The style is good, and I know the series, having read parts of it over at Lucasforums. More of her steadily improving and consistently good work. Well worth a read.

Cold (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5026)
M

After KOTOR: Carth reminisces

The writing style is good, the ending surprising. It sneaks up on you, and part of me wanted to scream ‘No!’ when I read it.

Destiny (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5066)
Aderyn

After TSL: Revan returns to a stunned Carth

Editing problems, you wrote ‘had not fallen through’ then went on to send a character down a different path instead.

On the whole though the story is well written, the basics flowing so well I hit the bottom of the first section rolling pretty well. A pity I don’t have the time to read the rest. I think it would be worth it.


Bittersweet Victory (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5075)
Alexandra

The flight from the Star Forge: Every victory has its price.

The piece could use some editing. It’s gritted her teeth, not grit them.

One of the many possible ends of this battle. I loved the writer’s work as I hated the story line. Too good for words.


The Trouble With Never (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5152)
Aderyn

After Malchior: The Exile reminisces

There were some editing problems, but nothing major. The story tended to meander a bit but it was worth reading.

Destiny’s Pawn: Endar Spire (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5262)
Allronix

KOTOR at the Attack on the Endar Spire: Carth meets the passenger before the escape pod.

You need to edit, you missed a word in a sentence on the first page; ‘If (he) could put his blaster to Saul’s head right now’. Editing and rewriting a touch to polish can correct all of the problems I see.

The author moved Carth farther in, making him part of the Endar Spire action. An interesting way to do it and well done.


Mandalorians Don’t Cry (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5309)
Arkatrine the unpure

On Tatooine after the confrontation with Jagi: A brief bit of comfort.

The style is good. In fact the only negative I have to say is it’s too short!

Who Knew? (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5344)
Morokea

Spanning Revan’s life: Revan has memories of the man she once knew, and had to kill.

It’s knelt not kneeled. The piece is poignant in that you can seer the memories of the woman from when they first met, until she sat beside his tombstone. You can feel all the emotions evoked by her simple prose, interwoven with the song.

They Have Brought Truth (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5378)
Silversentinel21

One Year after KOTOR: Revan explains as best she can in letters to three of her best friends

The style is good the. The meter butter smooth. I just wish I had time to read the entire thing.

Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177693)?)

Since it isn't anywhere in the thread I'd guess not. :p

Thanks for the review mach, but I will be rewriting Bridge over Troubled Water as soon as I can. Also, have you reviewed I Couldn't Leave You (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177693)?)

looking at its location TS, it will be week after next.

Sorry I didn't notice it earlier, but thanks for the review.



...(I had already figured out the location) there was still no explanation of how he ended up there specifically. To program the ship, one of those leaders had to know of the Rakata Home world, but I remember no mention of this discovery.

What you need to do is go back, smooth out the action. Come up with a rationale that explains how he ends up there, how a machine shut down 4,000 years earlier was reactivated, and how the Exile (Yes, I figured that out) is still alive.



I think that for the first act I was trying to emphasize how much was unknown and mysterious about the situation. All the above points are therefore eventually explained, but Nom Anor has to find them out (Shimrra ends up explaining why the ship was programmed to go there, I think Vimack covers the immortality thing towards the end when you find out exactly what she is, and NA explains to the Rakata chief that Revan returned to the planet and set everything up there just in case he needed it later).

Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL.

Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it.

Not too sure how you saw Quane as the exile though. Roompa explains in chapter four that she went looking for Revan as soon as he left, meaning she would have crashed on the planet and gotten stuck there long before TSL.

I stand corrected. Ther reason I did not discover that was as much as I enjoy some of what I read, I do not have enough hours in the day to stay online and read every bit of the longer ones.


Big thanks for the spelling though. I've just used the 'Blabla'esque description in something else. Suppose I'd better change it.

Just doing my job, kid. Keep up the good work.

Fair dos and cheers. Feel free to go over my new fic should you ever feel so inclined.

Thanks mach. Two reviews in one shot. That was unexpected. As to some of the mentions in Heart of Deception, they are correct. It was intentional that I put it that way. The intent was to give the Avalonians more of a mystique appearance. The reason for this is because they are so new to the Republic so the other members don't know what to think of them.