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The Critic's 2 cents

Page: 15 of 24
 JediKnight707
07-17-2007, 7:00 PM
#701
Yay! My first review in who knows how long. Thank ye for the review. Guess I should start to read my own work before I post it.
 machievelli
07-19-2007, 11:37 PM
#702
Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Mandalorian wars (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179866)
Mindtwistah

Before KOTOR: A look at the Mandalorian wars from the trenches.


Welcome to the site, friend. I won’t ding you on spelling. Just remember proper names are capitalized, as in races such as Mandalorian. You had one point where you should have had the possessive ‘Mandalorian’s’.

You give a relatively gritty look at a dissipated soldier. All it needs is editing polishing, and as you yourself said, a quick run through a spell and grammar checker.

A Search For Sanctuary (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178406)
Mr. BFA

Before KOTOR: The Jedi are called by Revan to fight

The writing is a bit cumbersome. You tend to be too wordy. ‘strictly toned as to how he wanted it to be’ could have been written ‘toned.to his own exacting standards’. The way you said it is confusing. Check and edit it your work, make sure lines like that one don’t slip by.

The calm before the storm feeling I got from the first posting was well done.


Holovid Moments (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178219)
Bee Hoon

TSL On Dantooine: Just dinner a little light entertainment

Kid, all you really need for this piece is editing. Some parts of it are a bit rough, and you jounce the reader along on those stretches. Just polish it until it’s like butter.


Return of the Exile (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=154792&page=1&pp=40)
Jedi Knight 707

Re-critiqued at author’s request.

This was first reviewed back in February of last year. Here is what I said then;

The work flows smoothly after a bumpy start, and keeps the reader interested. There are a few spelling and editing errors, but on the whole is excellent. I wish I had the time to read it all the way through.

While a year older JK707 still forgot the first rule; reread, edit, rewrite, and repeat. The bumpy start we had at the start was smoothed out, and the basics are still good.


A Mandalorian's Treasure (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179871)
Darth Balatro

During TSL: From the Bounty Hunter Challenge, a Bounty hunter catches a Jedi, but does he know what he’s caught?

The basics are good, but romance wise it left something to be desired. Instead of giving us different endings, I think it would have been better to end it without telling us.


KOTOR3-worst fanfic...so far (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179164)
Empress Padme

After TSL: A brief respite for the crew of Ebon Hawk

Well first off, I have seen far worse, so cut yourself some slack, kid. Remember spacing when writing. Space between every word, at the end of every sentence, and remember conversation breaks. You’re doing one thing I ding kids for all the time, not completing thoughts, but I do it because I make the same mistake more often than I will admit aloud. You also jumped from past tense to present tense in the second chapter.

I agree with those who looked earlier. Interesting plot. Let’s see some more.


The Jedi Archives


I Couldn't Leave You (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180083)
Topsite

After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February.


You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that.

It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


Jacno's Revenge (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16806)
Jacno

Alternate Universe, approximately 23 years after ANH: A dark Jedi returns to cause the Council grief again.

The style is good though it needs editing. Of course as any writer will tell you everything can be edited again.


kotorfanmedia


No Time to Rest (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5590)
PhantomMenace

KOTOR At the arrival at Rakata Prime: A different reason for the crash

The style is crisp and clean, the byplay a bit over done, but it does happen sometimes. 23 people gave it a thumbs up, and it is worth every one of them.


Memories Do Help (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5593)
Kirabaros


After KOTOR: Revan finds an interesting use for the memory of a battle.

The style is good, the pacing superb, and the ending amusing. Very good.


Battle of the Mind (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5565)
Tai DuClau

KOTOR: The greatest struggle is within yourself…

Short, sweet to the point. 64 readers gave it thumbs up.


Routine (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5444)
Jedi serenity

After TSL: Carth reminisces about his life with Revan.

Well done, worth every second reading it. Only eight people have given it thumbs up. Maybe they aren’t paying attention?


She (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5455)
Virusq

After KOTOR: History does some strange things…

I was stunned about halfway into this piece, but as a person in love with history itself I understood the contention and the problems. My pick of the week.


Naver: A Parody, Chapter 1 - Endar Spire (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5465)
Avari

KOTOR: Just when you thought it was safe…

I loved it! The lines lifted from AOTC, Harry Potter and Galaxy Quest were tossed in at just the right places. Well worth the read.
 JediKnight707
07-20-2007, 1:24 AM
#703
Thank you :) Another good review. You're right, I do need to read my own work. I've always had a mental block about it though.
 Diego Varen
07-20-2007, 2:21 AM
#704
I Couldn't Leave You (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180083)
Topsite

After TSL: Contestant in the First love last Embrace contest of February.


You hit a few bumpy spots there at the start, top. You didn’t have to make a note that it was unedited, I could tell when I hit a couple of them, you’re usually smoother than that.

It makes more sense to say just one thousands Instead of thousands and thousands. As an example, you could have merely said the first mention of the tomb was x thousands of years ago, and it was ancient then. Like the comment in League of Extraordinary Gentlemen when Alan Quartermain comments on being a young boy and being taught by Dorian Gray.

Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic.

Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon.
 machievelli
07-20-2007, 10:36 AM
#705
Thanks for the review mach, but two mistakes in that review is that it was for the May contest, May Day and it was inspired by Jasra's First Love, Last Embrace Fan Fic.

Personally, I thought my style had improved since the old days, but we all have opinions. Once again, thanks for the review and I'll edit it soon.

I stand corrected on the date.

The primary bumps were the 'thousands and thousands'. It was like taking off in a plane and finding out that there was FO on the runway. I mentioned it because if you had editied it, it would have been near perfect. That is why I commented that it wasn't up to your own usually good standards.
 Mr_BFA
07-21-2007, 10:09 AM
#706
Thanks for the review, Mach.
I've been planning to go back and edit but I haven't even had time to continue on writing the story lately. But I plan to make some time for editing soon. For Sanctuary and The Second Coming of Evil.
But once again, thanks :)
 Bee Hoon
07-23-2007, 7:29 AM
#707
Thanks for the review! That was a last minute piece, so it really really needs polishing, in due time;p

Are there any bits that were particularly bad?
 JediMaster12
07-23-2007, 1:01 PM
#708
Thanks for the review mach. I think that was the first DCC challenge piece I ever wrote for KFM and I thought it to be a rather neat thing to do. The theme called for a duel and the first thing that hit me was lightsabers and I wasn't up to sharing completey some other ideas so I just followed through with what is to be read as a little supplement to the last part of the Heart of the Guardian trilogy.
 machievelli
07-27-2007, 3:25 PM
#709
27 July

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Legacy of the Force: Purgatory (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179539)
Tysyacha

During the Legacy of the Force series after Mara Jade Skywalker’s death: Luke faces a new challenge, pondering both love and hate as he confronts it.

There isn’t much yet, but what there is so far is captivating. Keep it up, kid.

Episode 3.1 (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178707)
Bobby Pendragon

AU version of the end of Revenge of the Sith: It is the battle on Mustafar… Which way will Anakin go?

The pace flowed perfectly, and this change was surprising considering the writer. It is the one focal point in the battle where Anakin might have made this decision and so much would have changed if it had. Very well done.

He's a Lethal Weapon (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180235)
Daft Adidas

Period not given: A master bounty hunter on the prowl

You’re jumping from present tense (exits the Public Transport) to past tense (Took a step forward). Try to stay in one. Second, you’re using language that is cumbersome. In the intro you say ‘left his home and was never spoken to again by a relative’’. Which I would suggest would sound better if you said ‘left home, never to speak to his family again’. Also, when using races, remember that they should be capitalized so bothan would be Bothan.

Calling a weapon Mega, or a pistol ‘weak’ doesn’t tell the reader anything. After all, a pistol will not do what a rifle does, and a rifle does not match a machine gun except in range. Just drawing a pistol would be enough for most of us. Also if you say ‘explosive rounds’ you don’t need to go on and say it explodes like a bomb.

Exile (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180311)
Lord Spitfire

During KOTOR: The Exile begins his journey

Not too much yet. Needs polishing and editing but I say that to everyone, right? All in all, that is the only thing I see to complain about.

Technical note. The average yacht is pretty small, and a smuggler would use a ship that size when possible, but calling it a large smuggling vessel doesn’t really fit. Sort of like calling a modern day yacht a Destroyer. Han Solo’s ship is a light freighter, and is only half the size of Lando’s Lady Luck. Talon Karrde’s ship is almost three times that size and it is at the upper end as a yacht but only at the same level as a merchant vessel so calling it large is a bit much.

Mandalorian Measures (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179503)
JediMaster12

Song-fic Set after TSL: Mandalore looks at the rebuilding of his race, and why.

JM12 always turns out pretty good work and except for a missing word at one point there’s nothing that polishing and editing won’t cure.

Keep at it, kid.

Shady (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179722)
Natedogg

Everyone has commented already and anything I might say would be merely repeating it. All I can say is my usual mantra;
Edit, reread, and polish repeat until it glistens.

The Jedi Archives

Imposter II (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180576)
Darth Balatro

Set three months after Imposter
The basics need editing and polishing, but it is the basic story I think needs revision.

Read my piece on Canon, and apply it to the Arthurian legends as well.

Like the Star Wars Universe, the Arthurian legends deserves respect.


kotorfanmedia


Lost But Not Forgotten Chapter 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5536)
PhoenixGate

Set during Endar Spire segment of KOTOR: Twin Revans escape the ship

The style is good, the departure from the basic story line interesting and rare. Well worth reading.

The Reaction She Hoped For (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5541)
Danielle1980

After Leviathan in KOTOR: Will the revelation change things between Carth and Revan?

The style is good; the piece only needs polishing to make it perfect. Well done.

In the Eye of the Storm (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5551)
Malak’s Mistress

Two Years After KOTOR: Dustil makes a choice. But is it the right choice?

The style is good, the work well done, and the end perfect for setting up what may come next. Well worth the time to read.

Knights Of The Old Republic: The Sith’s Legacy (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5578)
Cybercat

11 years after TSL: As Revan has nightmares, two other Jedi discover a secret

The style is good. Some words used in the wrong context or misspelled, but nothing a quick edit won’t cure.

Sacrifice (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5603)
Lethe

Before entering the temple in KOTOR: Revan considers her one special gift in the force, and what it will cost her.

The idea is intriguing, a Force power never suggested, and a painful one at that. Far too short to give me an idea of style, but what I see is outstanding.

Apathy Is Death (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5126)
Joysweeper

Set before the Mandalorian Wars: Revan ponders how to explain why they
Jedi should intervene.

The piece is excellent. Laying out the argument for intervention, and the idea that the Council was merely too conservative sets up the denouement very well. My pick of the week.
 JediMaster12
07-30-2007, 1:10 PM
#710
Thanks for the review mach. The song for that piece was jumbling in my head. Listening to the lyrics I saw a bunch of images and what stuck the most was what could have been memories of an old war horse that longed for days long since by. Thanks again for the review. Another thing under my belt regarding a possible literary career besides my day job of lookng at cultures of ancient empires. :D
 machievelli
08-03-2007, 2:38 PM
#711
Coruscant Entertainment Center


Enter Calo Nord
(http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179416)
RC1162

Before KOTOR: Calo Nord’s first bounty hunt on Taris

The writing style is good, but the actual taking of the bounty at the start was a bit slapdash for me. Nord came across as a good man in a fight but as the Hutt said later, survival looked like it was blind luck.

Calo Dead (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179125)
Tysyacha

During KOTOR: Calo Nord’s own explanation of what happened.

The style needs some smoothing out, but it was a pretty good piece. The end didn’t tell you what happened to Calo beyond his corpse disappearing.

Technical note: Setting off a thermal detonator or even a normal fragmentation grenade in an enclosed space would be like setting of a small fuel air explosive. Not much is coming out of the room after that including the guy who set it off. I assumed he used a flash-bang, which would disorient the enemy but cause little damage. Also, according to the translation used on the disc of the phantom menace Bantha poodoo is fodder.

Bounty on Hoth (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179776)
Daft Adidas


The style is a bit ragged and confusing. Part of the problem as I commented to a writer about a year ago was that a game will lump weapons and styles into categories, but you have to be more specific. You are using comments that fit in game-speak, but for writing makes it either confusing or irritating to your readers. I wrote articles in the resource center already about weapons, military units, fleet operations flight operations and small unit tactics.

As an example, instead of martial art, you could use (Just known ones on earth) Tai Kwan Do Kung Fu Tai Chi Judo Savate Su-chai (An Apache hand to hand style), even wrestling and boxing. I believe I commented on you choice of statements about weapons last week.

Looks like I am going to have to do a ‘martial arts’ article…

Twins' Destiny (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179602)
Grace

About one hundred and fifty years after Yavin: A unique bounty

The style is workmanlike, the story needing some stronger characterization, but the confrontation and denouement was perfect.

Boundaries, Methods, Bounties, Madness (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179833)
Darth InSidious

Before TSL: A slight disagreement among bounty hunters.

The first paragraph confused me because you refer to the target first as a man, then as a woman. ‘He kept his eye trained on a single point at the man's head. He'd barely met her, but her reputation alone was enough.’

One problem, and it is with timing. You have two professional bounty hunters walking away, another dying from poison all in an open area. Yet somehow someone sneaks close enough to carve a design in someone’s back, get away unseen and carry out the bounty in the confusion. That stepped over the line of believability for me a bit.

War and Love (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=167985)
LordRevan123

After TSL: Revan and the Exile return to Telos

The biggest problem you have kid is repetition. Remember never use two words when one will do; never use a big word when a small one will do. Describe once, but fully, reread, edit, rewrite as necessary. You’ve made a good start.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Jagged Princess (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=460)
Blizzard

No time line specified: Trapped in a derelict ship, a woman ponders the events that brought her to that point.

You’re using some words out of context, forgot instead of forgotten. All in all the work is pretty good, and I am listing it as one of my picks of the week.

Technical: An astromech droid by design would have to be able to maneuver in zero gee better than a human would. In PM they were working on the hull of the ship in space, which means either a small integral tractor beam, or some form of magnetic traction.

Kotorfanmedia

Wet Season Riddles (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5631)
Inicol1990

Set after TSL: The new owner of both the Ebon Hawk and HK47 begins to receive cryptic messages.

The main problem I saw was a lack of characterization. We know the main character is female, that her eye color appears to be mutable and she is a loner that doesn’t like company unasked. But her position in the series is still unclear. Part of the problem is the piece is short, and I do not have time to ferret out more data. However the dreary scene is well laid out, the irritation with HK’s pacifist program is echoed in the readers, and I think this is pretty well done.

Some cumbersome wording. ‘So, with that in mind, it remained to be called ‘The Ebon Hawk’. Would have been better as ‘so it was still the Ebon Hawk’. This is an editing problem, and I have the same problem when I am concentrating on the story, so I know whereof I speak.

The Shadows of the Rim; Prologue: Steel Vultures (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5694)
Hyperion Rising

Two years after the events of TSL: A salvage operator gets more than she bargained for

Extra word in this sentence; ‘and even any intact personal side arms or armor would fetch good price,’ Either even or any could be removed without affecting the context, but both together are like a pothole in the road the story is following. When speaking of her as a pilot, you jumped from past tense to present tense, again a slight bobble. This was the only place where that occurred, suggesting a flow of thought segment as you worked. All the work needs is editing, and it would be perfect.

Technical note: This is not a dig it is praise. You brought out the problem of using a small ship very well. The idea that the time is limited to carry out the salvage operation so it is pretty much a grab and run. The value of even the smallest items to such an entrepreneur because of lack of stowage is well portrayed to give us an idea of this. Even the problem when a small scavenger has in dealing with a larger one.

You did not just link up, take x amount of time transporting everything small enough to carry. You gave us a definite time limit and kept us apprised to build tension. Very well done.

A REAL verbal fight for Revan and Carth (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5711)
Jedi Master Ariana

After the Leviathan escape in KOTOR: The author thought the argument that followed was too tame…

Boy oh boy the author wasn’t kidding. This version of that scene has all the fang out ‘one of us is going to die’ attitude you would feel from someone who feels this betrayed. Some of the action was a bit quick and didn’t have the same feel, but I was riveted from the moment Carth opened his mouth. Some editing problems, but I can’t praise it enough.

What Happened to Us? (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5727)
Aminta Jae

After KOTOR: Sometimes the heroes don’t live happily ever after…

You left out some words. ‘Funny how she could face a battalion of with no fear,’ is an example. An editing problem.

The problem with writing is most of us still believe the ‘and they lived happily ever after’ line. This gritty work is what happens more often than not. As much as it broke my heart, I had to admit it was well done. Up to Aminta’s usual standards.

Three Tarisian Ales (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5729)
Wraithfighter

After TSL: Sometimes there is only one way to kill the memories…

I was surprised by this piece. Having Carth fall apart I could understand, and it hurt me to see him ignoring everyone who might have stopped his descent. But that isn’t all of the story. I am not telling you what happens. The ending is too good.

Of The Lies That I Have Lived | Chapter 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5782)
Old Wolf

The Endor Spire: Sometimes you have to be pushed into defending yourself.

Some words used wrong (Scatter should have been skitter) but nothing editing will not cure.

This is an interesting look at Revan, Making her someone who is almost a pacifist shoved into the fight, dealing not only with the death she metes out, but her own body and mind’s resistance.
 machievelli
08-10-2007, 4:19 PM
#712
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Void A tale from the Book of the Nine (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179992)
OD Mia

Time not specified, but probably between ROTS and Survivor’s Guilt in the EU: A mysterious person meets the 501st.

I see others commented, especially Jasra and Jae who I admire and what they did not address I will. As I tell every kid the first time I read their stuff, reread, edit, rewrite, edit again, polish until smooth.

I agree with DA in only one point. You have given no orientation or even race of the opponents he is facing. Are they rebels? Are they even human? Who are they fighting and why? This is important to a reader because we don’t just want mindless violence, we want a reason for it.

Plus you’re mixing eras. You have the Sith, who supposedly had not been an organized body for a thousand years, raiding a base that had been protected by the 501st, who first followed Vader, then became the major force in the section of the Empire mentioned in the Hand of Thrawn series.

Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales: Mission Across Space (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180026)
The Doctor

Compilation of Doc’s KOTOR fiction: Why Mission and Griff ran…

The basics are all there, and considering most of it, we’re going to get as much explanation as Mission did of what occurred and why.

Every editing and spelling suggestion was already said, so I won’t repeat. Just remember to edit and proofread, k?

Loss and gain (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180559)
Darth Stephanie

After TSL about 20 years: The Funeral of Revan

Some spelling problems. Greif instead of grief. Infact is two words. Others have already pointed out most of what is wrong, so I will simply repeat my mantra.

Proofread, edit, reread, rewriter, polish, and repeat until it is the best you can do.

One minor thing. A horse is native to Earth. You will notice that everyone else merely calls them a riding beast of some kind. Just come up with another words for it. As an example, by using comments by varied writers in the EU I have ascertained that a Nerf is probably a sheep, and a Barve is a pig. Primarily because I don’t see being insulted by being called a ‘Nerf Herder’ if it’s the equivalent of ‘cowboy’.

Keeping the Galaxy Intact (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180600)
Tysyacha

No specific era given: A duelist fights, but not for what you might expect.

The piece is good, the basics are there and I think it will go far. I was asked by Tysyacha to collaborate on this, and had to decline with regrets. I ran into a block on what I was doing in our last collaboration, and right now I need to figure out how to have the time to write again.

One thing, Tys. Remember that Kung Fu is an earthly martial art. You can rename it and it will work.

Untitled (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180233)
Reclaimer

Before TESB: A squad runs into something unexpected on Hoth

You used point instead of pointing. And you don’t have to say a dead corpse. ‘The corpse had on a bloody worker outfit, like the ones the crew had on’ would have been less cumbersome if you had said ‘the body was dressed in the same outfits as those we had escorted’.

The descriptions are good, and the piece flowed well. The biggest bobble I had was having him lose most of the squad on Tatooine. I doubt rthey could have flown in fought a pitched battle and Luke living on that planet would not have heard about it. To Luke the Rebellion was like Camelot to Lancelot in that musical. Something he had heard of and wanted to join, but it was somewhere out there.

Technical note: You did well with every aspect of the military op, but you fumbled it by having some call the sergeant sir. As many a Petty officer I dealt with would say, Sergeants work for a living, and those you call sir do not.

Forgotten Scars (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179551)
Sabretooth


Minor points Sabretooth. Coffee is an earth drink, and dog, an earth animal. That is why they call animals of their type ‘hounds’ in the EU. This is minor, and part of the reason I had my characters drinking teas, because any infusion with leaves in water is a tea.

The piece is good despite its faults, and I was not surprised because while I haven’t seen Sabretooth’s work recently, the work of this author graced my very first column.

My pick of the week from Lucasforums.


The Jedi Archives

Scars of War (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181027)
Igyman


During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer.

The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me.
First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Dark Hand (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16877)
Nightvision90

250 years after the battle of Yavin: Yet another war, this time between the Empire and the Dark Hand


The basics are good, there are some problems with the way it reads, but that is an editing problem.

One minor point, An empire is also called an Imperium rather than an Imperial Kingdom.

Technical: There are military geniuses, however the odds that someone would be able to reach Grand Admiral (The equivalent of an American Fleet Admiral) is unlikely. An officer that young with a rank that high would not have done it through competence in combat in most situations.


Kotorfanmedia

A New Hope Reborn, Prologue (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5784)
Phalon23

Beginning of KOTOR: Three women meet aboard the Endar Spire a year after Revan is captured… But which is which?

The piece is well written, and the only thing that bothered me was, which one was Revan?

Meeting Yourself (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5793)
Onasilvslv

After Leviathan incident: Who am I Really?

A very interesting take on the situation. The arguments are cogent from their own points of view, *

If I Close My Eyes Forever (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5807)
Danielle1980

Kotor after Leviathan incident: Sometimes you just wish it never happened.


The piece was good, the emotional overtones well done. I had thought I recognized the song, but it wasn’t the one I thought.

Turning the Tide: Chapter 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5808) )
Wick3dWitch27

Not finishing sentences Such as ‘I told I was sleeping didn’t I?’. But that is an editing problem. Slow down a bit when you write, proof read and edit. I have the same problem if you have read my stuff. The way you handled the last sections of the fight were interesting.

Technical note, marine troops aboard ships are usually called fleet marine units, but a fleet implies ships entering, not the men.

life after death chap.1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5463)
Safetyjedigirl

After KOTOR: Sometimes you best wasn’t good enough

Some cumbersome wording such as being taken off (Sometimes spelled 0f) the Jedi order is confusing. Removing would have been better. You also left out words in some sentences. One problem was the end seemed contrived.

Technical note: There is no specific size for a Garrison since the Romans standardized the size of the Legion. So saying a ‘garrison and a half’ makes no military sense. Also, unless you have a dockyard facility, it is unlikely that a commander would leave a ship completely empty. You need a station keeping crew or sensor crew aboard at least. The only reason to leave them in orbit unmanned is abandoning them or lack of crew.

The Princess Jedi, Prologue and Chapter One (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5697)
KSCrusaders

Set in the Expanded Universe approximate with the Jedi Academy Trilogy. KOTOR Meets the Princess Bride head on.

I was at first shocked then delighted by the story. The only problems I had with it was ‘Grandpa’ Anakin being blue, and Jacen thinking the name is cool since he has a brother by the same name. All in all however an enjoyable read.
 machievelli
08-17-2007, 12:09 PM
#713
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Glad To Leave (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180655)
Weave

During final battle in TSL: A Sith discovers there is peace in losing…

The writing is a bit cumbersome and repetitive. ‘More fluids oozed from the slit neck belonging to my dead opponent’. Could have been merely ‘More fluids oozed from his slit neck’. ‘Clever was her tactic’ would make more sense if written ‘it was a clever tactic’.

Except for that and some editing problems, this is a pretty good piece, especially for a first timer here. Keep it up!

Lost Path (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180647)
Divide&Conquer

During period of TSL: A Jedi is rescued by an unlikely friend.

You have some words being used incorrectly, paced when you meant placed, wondered instead of wandered. An editing problem primarily. There were several more, but that is for you to learn as I say yet again my mantra; reread and edit, rewrite, then repeat until it flows.

Minor style problem; it is rather obvious that if you shoot and kill someone they are no longer a problem.

The basic storyline is good, and I see others are already giving advice, so I will say no more.

The Shadow of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180251)
Trex

During KOTOR: The adventures of Revan’s ‘Shadow’

The basics are here, but the pacing and chapters do not appear to be a coherent whole. It needs editing and polishing. Plus there is no explanation as to what the ‘shadow’ is. I assumed as I read, that he was the equivalent of Mara Jade who was the Emperor’s ‘Hand’.

Knights of the Old Republic : Destiny (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180289)
Empress Padme

One Year after KOTOR:

Some problems with spelling and grammar. This however is an edit and polish problem, nothing major. I see others have already given advice, and considering how well they have done, I only have one question…

Why do you guys keep me around?

Yet another newbie, and what amazes me is how well some of you can do first time out of the starting gate. There are problems with the warrior mentality, so I see I will have to post that article (Still unbeta-ed) about how I believe the Mandalorians should be treated.

Lyrics by Eagle Eye Cherry, Linkin Park, and more... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178213)
Rabish Bini

Revan’s life in song: Revan goes from knight to Sith lord.

The style is workmanlike; there are some editing problems. It feels to me like it needs work, but what artistic endeavor is ever really completed? I could have a book already in print and be sitting on cash, but still want to tweak it just a little more.

Revan and Bastila have a relationship before he left is interesting. You should expand and fill in the battle scenes you feel comfortable with because the ones I did see were rather bland.

Assuming The Dark Throne (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180732)
Darth Badguy

After end of TSL: The Exile now ponders the reign to begin.

Problems with spelling and grammar, hopefully you can improve these with practice. You have made progress since the last one.

The basis of the story is well done, and as much as the ones who have commented ask what to call the new Dark lord, I agree with you that the name is incidental.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Blurred Lines (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16930)
Borgmatrix

5000 years after ROTJ: An old enemy returns

The style is good, the flow well done. It needs editing, but that is not a complaint. Da Vinci worked on the Mona Lisa for over a decade, and still had not delivered it upon his death.

Jumping this far is the future is an interesting twist to use.


Kotorfanmedia

Butterflies (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5814)
Jedi Serenity

During KOTOR: Carth needs some advice on love and Jolee is there to give it.

Minor complaints. It’s pursue (As in chase) rather than peruse (As in read)

The story flows well from start to finish, the subject one near and dear to all hearts. Well worth the read.

The Trouble With Gizka (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=3345)
Codename SailorV

During KOTOR: Sometimes, you can’t deal with a problem directly. So you use an example…

The piece is written in script form, which is confusing at first, but it flows well. The basis of the discussion is well defined and using the gizka, which is a pest but cute is a nice touch. Very well done.

He’s Come Back, (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5820)
Fire From The Sky

Four Years after KOTOR: Chitari (Revan) has gotten used to the idea of not being a Jedi, and being a single mother until…

Some minor kitchen problems. I think they might come up with something better than a toaster oven for a name.

The story rolls perfectly, and the idea that a parent would hide such a secret from her child perfectly normal. Excellent work

A Relative to Truth (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5895)
Dakarne

Alternate Universe During Taris segment in KOTOR: This version of Revan meets with Canderous

The piece is well written, the idea behind it intriguing. Fine work.

I was curious until I began reading it what the author had meant be Alternate Universe until I started reading. It is, I admit, one option neither the Jedi nor the average writer had considered, making her merely one of the other branches of Force User that we know exist. Like making her a Franciscan instead of a Benedictine monk. It would also make it easier to explain using the Jedi’s version of the force later.

Behind Closed Doors (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6079)
Jiara

During the sojourn on Dantooine: The meeting between Bastila and the council we never saw…

The scene is one we probably thought about but never saw. The situation clearly defined and argued efficiently on all sides. All of the actions of the later actions of the council fall right into sequence.

With time to spare… (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5985)
RavenRand16

KOTOR Enroute to Korriban: The crew of the Ebon Hawk settles into a quiet evening, and bonds are forged.

The basics are good, and the piece is well done, though it could use editing (‘we should be use’ should be used) Excellent work.
 machievelli
08-24-2007, 12:22 PM
#714
Coruscant Entertainment Center

DXUN (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179900)
Sabretooth

During Mandalorian war: A look at prisoners and interrogations.

You left out words sometimes. ‘Looks the Mandalorians are lying quiet’ needs a look in there. You also forgot a couple conversation breaks. The problems I see are rereading and editing, nothing major.

The basic story is good, the scene well described, the situation bleak. All in all what I would expect from Sabretooth. Very good work.

Army of the Republic (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180310)
Reclaimer

During clone war: A day in the life for a Clone squad.

The scene is minimalist, but well portrayed. You tended to jump back and forth between present and past tense, but only in one scene I have read so far.

Technical note, in a combat situation, you would not have men saluting officers. First, it’s a waste of time, second it exposes you to fire, and third, it lets the enemy know whom to shoot next.

Web of Deceit (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180616)
CSI

Period undefined: A Jedi sent on a mission finds a lot more.

The phrase ‘He waited until the boy struck with a punch to continue fighting’ would have been better ended ‘to continue the fight’. It isn’t the only such place, but it makes the reading a bit ragged. So like I always say, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. All in all though it isn’t too bad.

Having never seen Bleach, in fact, not having seen half of the anime you used, I thought for a minute you had lifted a scene from the first scene of Demon Hunter Yokko. The second time he meets the Jedi could have been lifted from Girl from Phantasia as well.

Yeah, kids. The old man loves Anime too. I’m just surprised you didn’t toss the Dirty Pair and Mahurabo in.

Never Blind in the Force (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180025)
SkywalkerRules

155 years after Yavin:

The Doctor has done all of the basic commenting I might have made, so I will forgo them. I will address however the beginning of your second chapter.

As I have pointed out before in my column, unless the person is just so mean and nasty he has to be evil (Hannibal Lector comes to mind) he isn’t just going to decide to go to the dark side this easily. If you notice in ROTS and in ROTJ Each of the people so tempted to the dark, father and son were given different reasons for it but they were tailor made. For Anakin, it was ‘turn to the dark, and save your wife’. For Luke ‘If you want you’re friends to live, you have to kill me’. I don’t think even Palpatine and Exar Kun just decided to become evil. If you have read Dark Rendezvous, the author gives a very plausible reason for Ventress to have turned, and explained her hatred of the Jedi in particular. And she can’t even be defined as a Sith. The attempt by Dooku to turn Yoda shows the fallacy of it because every argument is easy to overturn if you look at it both from within and from without.

Minor quibble: The first paragraph should have been made part of the intro scroll instead of separated.

A Dark Hope (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180780)
Topsite

It should be inform rather than address when talking of what he will tell the senate. ‘I’ve sent a signal there and some people will be expecting me there’ would read better if you removed the first there.

The basics are good, and it’s up to your usual standards, TS. Pretty good so far.


I reached the point today that we have run out of stories to critique here. But I expect you will give me more to do with time. To tell you the truth, even with the angst of moving and not finding an agent I haven’t had this much fun in years, working on this for almost two years now.

If I have missed you in the previous pages, by all means tell me. But before you do, remember that I am neither a poetry critic nor an art critic. I promise to read and critique any stories I have missed.

I will maintain 12-16 stories per column from this point on, with the Galactic Senate supplying what it may, but filling out from kotorfanmedia as I go.


Kotorfanmedia

One Moment Together (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5994)
Danielle1980

During KOTOR enroute to the Star Forge: Revan and Carth share a brief moment of love, worried about what the future holds.

Except for leaving out the word on in one sentence, the work had no serious flaws. The pacing is good, the scene well and tastefully done. Good work.

Maps and Directions (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6040)
Aelis

On the unnamed planet: Carth and Revan have a discussion about maps, directions, and gender specific comments about them.

The piece is a bit short, but it is well written, and thought out. I would have liked to see more.

Dance Lesson (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6062)
Karacat

No specific time during KOTOR given: Dance is just a metaphor…

The piece was amusing. Taking modern day shows and commercials, putting them in Star Wars context without losing that flavor is hard sometimes. The only protest I have is with the word ‘slutty’ for Twi-Lek dancing. Knowing that most dance started as mating rituals I would have preferred erotic or exotic.

The Steel Tomb (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5909)
KaylaRevan

During the battle between Bastila and Revan on the Star Forge: Where there is light there is hope.

The scene is good, but damn it; it is too brief. I wanted more.

Fragments of Memories: Prologue (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6019)
Mayla

After the Star Forge: A eulogy for Revan

The piece is short, but a eulogy must be. The words strike deep into the crux of the argument about why some go to the dark side, and how important memories are in our lives.

Bantha Steak Soup (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6033)
CarnivorousPineapple

After the Revelation on Leviathan: When the going gets tough, the tough start cooking…

The metaphor of converting the bad memories by using them for something else is an old one but well done. The personal interplay of argument about exactly what the Council did to Revan is one near and dear to our hearts. All in all a well written and thought out piece.

Touring the Ship (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6251)
Allronix

Aboard Ebon Hawk After Dxun: Canderous reflects on the differences between the two crews of that ship

The introspection is well done, the differences between the crews marked clearly. But it seems Mandalore wants a return to that time. The desire comes through in everything he thinks.

More Than a Few Bottles (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6295)
Mythra

Four years after the Star Forge: the Sith Lord Revan spends a drunken night explaining why it had to happen.

The piece is short, but sweet. Revan’s pain torn between love and what she sees as duty well done.
 Diego Varen
08-24-2007, 1:43 PM
#715
Thanks for the review mach, as always.
 igyman
08-24-2007, 6:38 PM
#716
Home
Igyman

Timeline not given: A Jedi Padawan decides to try his own brand of reality on the world.

The primary complaint I saw, that the author didn’t give us a name for the character is incidental to the equation. I have two personal characters from my books that could be represented in the same way, and I applaud the look into those minds.

Well done.


Inner Darkness Chronicles
Igyman

The expanded version of Home reviewed earlier.

The descent is getting a bit steeper with this work. The character that was merely disturbing in Home seems to be power-diving out of control now.


Scars of War
Igyman


During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer.

The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me.
First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets.


I'm long overdue, I know, but that's what happens when I don't check this thread out often enough. In any case, thanks very much for all three reviews mach. Just when I started thinking of asking you to do these, I took a look here and, to my extremely pleasant surprise, you were way ahead of me. Thanks again and again (gotta cover all three :D) and keep up the good work.
 machievelli
08-31-2007, 1:20 PM
#717
Darth Wyyrlok II the Undead warrior (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174485)
)
The Padawan

Set before and during TSL: A Sith lord’s rise to power and immortality.


I see others have commented, so I will try to avoid repeating them. You have a tendency to put commas in the wrong place, tend to use the wrong word (Torture should have been tortured for example, blockade instead of barricade.) You also jump back and forth from past to present tense. Last, your wording is cumbersome sometimes. It causes the reader to mentally stumble. Before you post the next segment, try rereading and editing. The words should draw your reader along, like a river. But not like a section of rapids. It’s like cake or pancake dough. It must be beaten smooth before you continue.


Technical note: As much as it looked like Luke went from one handed to a prosthetic hand within a day or so, even in this future we write about prosthetic surgery is not a slap on and it works situation. For something capable of mimicking the human hand you would need several days at least to get it made, set, and working properly then time to get used to it. As an example, in the Young Jedi Knights series, one of the Jedi lost her arm in an accident. It was estimated by the doctor that it would take several weeks to replace it.

The Dark Republic's rise and Fall (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181766)
)
Paul Rhodes

Set 6 years after Yavin: A dead Sith lord tells his story to Luke Skywalker

The style is a bit cumbersome, with no definition of who is speaking. There is no action to speak of until the character Hannah Shan show up and no description to speak of at all.

If this is a relative of Bastila you should be more specific of timeline. 4,000 years earlier is not sufficient.

Love and Kisses (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6295)

JediMaster12

Several years after TSL: A man reminisces on a very special day.

The style is good, the polishing well done. The story is well told, and worth a look.


Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Drifting Wind (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16955)
)
JediDad

In the interim between ROTS and ANH: A safari goes wrong.

The writing is workmanlike, the basis of the story well suggested. Only problems I saw were editing and polishing ones.

Technical note: First, Toydarians are not that big. If Watto was a standard example of his race he only stands about 18 inches tall, half the size of an Ewok while a Devaronian is described as being man sized. Wingo could have slowed his fall, but not by much. The wings aren’t large enough. Even on such safaris in Africa today, the party would not go unarmed or without armed guards. With vehicles instead of bearers, the average safari party these days are around ten.



Kotorfanmedia

It Had to Be Done (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6323)
)
Mythra

After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan can think of only one thing to do.

The story is well written, the plot well done.

Fractured Souls (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6096)
)
Leelu

Before the attack on the Endar Spire: A better look at the crew of that ill-fated ship.

The style is good, and the situation well defined. Interesting, most do not bother to cover this, because the game starts with the ship’s destruction.

Technical note: While both sides were hiring mercenaries, no modern military can afford to do that except in highly specialized situations where they don’t have what they need to cover it. Too many also remember what Nicollo Machiavelli had to say about them.

In the Silence of Space (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6110)
)
Furiae

After the Leviathan in KOTOR: Revan decides she needs to have a drink…

The style is good, the scene well done, the rationale perfect. You must be an anime fan because one line ‘because I have a manly sounding name’ sounds like one from the Slayers series.

Ain’t Love Grand (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6175)
)
Angeloftheflame

A dream concurrent with the attack on Telos: The Jedi Hero has an odd dream about Revan’s past.

The word is stasis, not status. Remember to edit before posting because everything I saw wrong was an editing problem.

The work is good in and of itself, and an enjoyable read. This is part of Revan’s life not usually looked at, and well worth the effort you put into it.


Soft (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6185)
)
Sass

During KOTOR after destruction of Taris: Sometimes you need a shoulder to cry on…

The style is crisp and clean, the subject matter done and overdone. But Sass found a way to not only make it unique, but made you look at one of those stock characters in a new light. My pick of the week.

The Jedi and the Jacket (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6197)
)
Jedi Chick

After KOTOR: How far will Carth go to get his favorite jacket back?

The piece was well done, a cute bit a fluff according to the author, and I agree.

But it was a very nice bit of fluff.

A Beautiful Jedi, A Fearsome Sith (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6043)
)
Malak’s Mistress

During climatic battle of KOTOR: What is more important, power or love?

The only point I would try to correct in this work is that you didn’t clearly define who was speaking. It caused the ride to be a bit bumpy, though the work is well worth that.

Friendships Taken Farther (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6092)
)
RavenRand16

What I enjoy sometimes is someone who makes me work on a review. I read page one, which was the Endear Spire action yet again, and I couldn’t decide. The work was good, but was it?

Unsatisfied I went on to page two, which is the apartment complex scenes from Taris.

That was when I figured out what was wrong. You’re looking at this as merely expanding on the game, but at the same time you keep using references that tie it to the game specifically, upping a weapon for example. Remember that the game is an extension of the EU, not the other way around. Smooth that out, and I call it very good work.

Surprises- New Allies (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6125)
)
Jedi Rowan

Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity.

Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people.

The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work.
 JediMaster12
09-04-2007, 12:07 PM
#718
Another review under my belt and yet I feel that I am growing old. Mach as always I appreciate the reviews you give me because you give me honest feedback. As any good writer, I look for insightful feedback to think about. Love and Kisses I consider one of my better pieces because I am at that stage of sixteen and spreading wings in the big world. I understand it because my own Pops is doing the same. Maybe that's what makes the writer a good one. The ability to relate to your characters and make them meaningful.

That said and done, I am happy with the review and fo the others that mach reviewed, I recommend as well.
 machievelli
09-07-2007, 3:30 PM
#719
Coruscant Entertainment Center

A Hero's Journey (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182022)
)
Mr. BFA

Some problems with wording. Learnt and burnt are proper but interrupt the flow. Happier rather than more happy

With the sentence “We have spies,” replied Thorin, “amongst the order that send us reports every six months’ would have made more sense by moving the reply to the end of that sentence. It breaks the thought at a time that causes a reader to stumble. ‘Him and the rest of his companions’ should be ‘he and his companions’. Everything I have notated are editing problems, kid, so reread, edit, rewrite, then polish.

The basic idea is good, the story does compel. Keep it up.

Technical note: If your character is supposed to have specialized knowledge, be sure you know something about it as well. A current of airflow above or below a storm is not as significant as having that storm move against the obvious wind at that level. Think of clouds moving toward the storm and past it in the opposite direction.

Nine Circles (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181947)
Tysyacha

Set during the Legacy of the Force series: The fall of a Jedi compared to the 9 circles of hell.

I was a bit leery when reading the intro, but it was a refreshing read. Tysyacha’s style has improved with every passing story, and this is definitely worth the wait.

Kotorfanmedia

Looking Past Reflections (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6243)
Crislyn Tankari

Before KOTOR: A new arrival comes aboard Endar Spire

The writing style is good, needing only a bit of polish. Don’t take that as a negative, anything ever written should be polished a bit more. The interplay between Trask and the main character is interesting, not following the basic story line of the game, making me wonder if Trask hadn’t been reprogrammed as well. Your take on Ashandra is refreshing, more gut level than empirical. I liked it.

Shinobu Okumichi (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6239)
Jedi Rowan

After the Star Forge: A different take on how our Hero(ine) came to be

An interesting read. Having liked the Firefly series (Never got to see it on air, but the DVDs are out) and Serenity I recognized the quote. The story is interesting, yet disturbing. Like the Cestus Deception, which I liked, but didn’t like, it makes the Jedi out to be a bit too duplicitous for my tastes.

But still worth the read.

When what you know isn’t true (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6132)
Bechino Yum

The Intro to KOTOR: The life of a soldier.

There is some editing needed, but all in all a good read.

Technical note: First, marines on aircraft carrier might do close order drill, but on most ships you don’t have the space. If you assume the Endar Spire is 500 meters long, the largest area you would have for such an evolution would be less than 40 meters (120 feet) square. Since it is a warship, that space would more likely be filled with supply canisters or snub fighters.

An awakening from darkness (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6227)
Lisa8507

Events During the Mandalorian War: Revan and Malak consider violating the Council Order.

You forgot words some times, something I tend to do when I am thinking faster than I type. All in all though worth the read.

Technical note: What Revan planned would not be treason, as that is a political crime. It would rather be a schism within a religious order.

Accidental Oblivion (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6297)
Taokan

After TSL: The patient wait continues…

The style is good, the story well done. My only complaint is that it is too short.

The Beginning (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6315)
Aelis

After KOTOR: Revan sets out for the Outer Rim

An interesting introspective take on the situation. Well done and thought provoking. Like the line from the Movie King Kong ‘I’m not a hero. Heroes have beer bellies. I’m just an actor with a gun’.

Very good work.

The Cat Came Back (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6347)
Kian

After TSL: Revan returns from her mission

The story was so well done that 19 people gave it a thumbs up. The situation and flow was smooth as silk, the emotional interplay perfect. My pick of the week.

Lord of the Sith (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6354)
AkiraLamont

Start of KOTOR: When Carth meets the heroine

A journeyman style and basic outlay of the situation aboard the Endar Spire before and during the attack.

Technical note: While British Commonwealth and French ships do have liquor rations for their troops, they would call it respectively the Officer’s Mess, and the EM club, not a cantina.

Goodbyes (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6384)
Grimrabbit

Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan leaves for her quest

Grimrabbirt has not graced this column recently, which makes the appearances that much better. The piece is short sweet, and loaded venom. The breaking up part was well done, and her reasoning perfect. The line ‘I’m a sith lord by occupation’ was a bit over done, but still good.

Epilogue to Redemption (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6423)
Riansage

After TSL: Revan and…who?

The start, a typical scandalmonger program, was fun, but the interplay of the two viewing it was soft gentle and poignant. A very well done piece.


A brief note for anyone interested; I decided to expand When last we met. I think It will be a full length novel by the end. Anyone interested in the life and times of an intelligence agent should look at it.
 Mr_BFA
09-12-2007, 3:21 AM
#720
Thanks for the review Mach.
That technical stuff really wasn't supposed to be in there in the draft that I first posted up there. I realized I didn't know anything about storms and weather pattern's and the likes. Sure I learned stuff back at school when I took Geography for a term but that was a whole 3 years ago! :D

Anyways, thanks again for the review.
 machievelli
09-14-2007, 1:51 PM
#721
Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

New Jedi Order - Falling Darkness (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16990)
Nighvision90

Alternate universe during NJO: A new mission might spell the end of the New Republic.

Primary problem is forgetting to have conversation breaks a couple of times. This is an editing problem, so no major complaints.

The story is interesting enough that I am hoping for more.


Kotorfanmedia

Nightmares (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6455)
Lnicol1990

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: The Nightmares caused an unanticipated reaction.

The style is good, the story excellent. Others have commented on it, and I agree with the one saying a scene appeared to be missing, but still very good.

Destiny’s Pawn: Taris - Chapter One (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6479)
Allronix

The incident on Taris: The heroes of our tale begin their quest


Forgot some words, left out ‘an’ in the phrase ‘in abandoned apartment’. Very few such flaws. Good work up to your usual standards.


The Shadows of the Rm (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6477)
Hyperion Rising

During TSL, probably first scene: An interesting take on waking up on Peragus…

Most people and the game have you go from unconscious to full mobility after waking up from the bacta tank. This was an interesting look at the aftereffects of any meds still in the system. A very good read.

Revan’s Return (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6371)
AkiraLamont

Five years after Revan left: What will happen when Revan finally comes home?

A well done piece that covers the basic situation we have all thought of. A workmanlike job of writing worth a read.

Girl Talk (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6385)
AkiraLamont

Two days after Leviathan Revelation: Sometimes you need a little push…

There were some words used incorrectly, but that is an editing problem. The story is well done and the idea so fitting for the characters. 15 others who gave it thumbs up agree.

Is It Any Wonder (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6496)
JadesFire

After the Revelation aboard Leviathan: How can you deal with what you now know? How does Revan deal with it?

I’m not much on song fics. But the story is well done, the lyrics interwoven in such a way they fit the outline of it, and make it more interesting. Well worth reading.

42-B7 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6666)
Jiara

During mission to Tatooine in KOTOR: Why was that crate loaded anyway?

Very well written, and very funny. The one thing that had bothered me with this sequence is why was that crate delivered and more important, why was it accepted? The reaction aboard was choice. From Juhani to Canderous to Mission.

My pick of the week.

An Unexpected Love Story (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6668)
Ocelott

After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it?

The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading.

Confiding in a Creature Not So Often Loved (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6551)
RavenRand16

After TSL: When you need a shoulder to cry on and a sympathetic ear, does it matter if they have these appendages?

The story is short, sweet and to the point. It is well worth the effort to read it.

The Mortal Coil (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6538)
Grimrabbit

After TSL: Revan returns to what?

So full of angst, so full of woe; so good and worth reading.

In the Beginning (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6605)
Malak’s Mistress

During the Mandalorian Wars: Young Jedi decide to fight.

The story is good, the subject matter rarely covered. The only character I was curious about was Jayda. If she’s supposed to be the Exile as her position with Revan and Malak suggests, why would she be surprised by Mical later?

A good look at the period, worth reading.
 ocelott
09-15-2007, 1:10 PM
#722
An Unexpected Love Story (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6668)
Ocelott

After the Star Forge: Unrequited Love requited at last! Or is it?

The story flows well, the basics so well done, and the identity of Cata well hidden until the last moment. The second pick of the week. Well worth reading.

Thanks for the review! Of all my fics, this one was the most fun to write. I'm glad others are having a good time reading it.
 machievelli
09-21-2007, 3:35 PM
#723
I had an interesting time getting this review done. First there was only one new post here, and KFM were in the throes of their annual 'pirate' motif. So I was sure I wouldn't have anything to review.

But the pirate flag vanished yesterday, but LF was down.

Go figure. But I did it.

Kotorfanmedia

Rogue in the Mist (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6393)
Jedi Master Ariana

Alternate Universe 15 years after the Star Forge: One event can change your entire life.

In the sentence ‘Sage didn’t regard her brother’s voice with movement’ I think you meant reward. When it comes to complaints and editing that is pretty much it.

A very well done piece. Unfortunately, I never have the time to read all of anyone’s works; real life, work and my own writing interferes. But this one is one I think I would really enjoy reading. The one section I did read didn’t tell me who the ‘father’ was, but made me wonder why his children would be that important to Revan. But I want to find out.

The Silent Listener (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6670)
Aelis

After the Leviathan incident: When you need someone to talk to, it doesn’t matter who or even what they are…

The piece is well written, the story easy to follow, and intriguing. My only complaint is that you didn’t let us hear the message. I think it would have helped the Exile a lot to hear that the same problems she is having are not unique.


The Evanescent Orphan (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5630)
Lirael

After TSL: It takes a thief to catch a thief…

I think you meant come on when you wrote common. That is an editing problem, and that is all I saw wrong with this piece on a technical level.


Breaking Down (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6678)
Lady Revan

After the Leviathan Incident: Sometimes even the strongest needs to be held.

The piece grips you and drags you along. While that sounds violent, it’s a willing capture as LR drags you along, makes you see what Revan sees, feel what Revan feels. My first pick of the week.

If Everyone Cared (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6867)
Neni

After the Leviathan revelation: Can Carth be convinced to trust her again?

I am not much on songfics, but this was good albeit short. Having the entire work be dialogue is an interesting twist.

Second Thoughts (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=7003)
Prisoner24601 and Dinah Lance

Three years after KOTOR: Divorced from the Jedi, Revan has second thoughts about her choices.

Both Prisoner and Dinah have graced these pages before, and this collaboration is the best yet. The characters live, their feelings for each other are real, and I wonder as Revan did, if it was real or not. But being willing to take that chance is what love is all about.

Others above have given the authors problems because of the interplay, but what I saw was the teasing you'd expect from any pair trying to make a fresh start and feeling a bit uncomfortable with it. One complaining about how much luggage, the other claiming to have left most of her shoes, then the man passing over what he had done buying a bed by claiming he'd merely bought the most expensive one.

My second pick of the week.



Time to erase the past and make it new… (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6850)
RavenRand16

After TSL: So much that was lost can be gained if you reach out for it.

The phrase ‘the ship she took’ suggests present tense. It would have been better to say ‘The ship she had taken’ instead. That said I loved it. The idea that the one you love now is like the one you first loved is an old story, but it is handled here superbly. The only way it could have been better would have been arriving on Telos to discover that Carth and Brianna had gotten together for the very same reason.

My third pick of the week.

Forgiveness (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6997)
The True Exile

After Leviathan revelation: Sometime you just need some sense slapped into you…

The piece is well written, the situation well portrayed. While some have given you grief because of the slapping scene, I remember friends of mine in Greek and Italian families where when you stuffed your foot in your mouth like Carth did, everyone felt they had the right to slap some sense into you. I was just surprised that Canderous didn’t either hit him or tell him how much of an idiot he was. In fact if he had merely given him that minatory look and stalked out, it would have been perfect.

Badgering Business, chapter 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5607)
Kim Badger

Before KOTOR: A look behind the sets in the making of Revan…

Though each of us has our version of Revan, how and why she was reprogrammed her, most of us have not looked behind the scenes as it were, seen the famous ‘man behind the curtain’ from the Wizard of Oz. A refreshing look at the situation.

Not Much of a Love Story—Ch. 1 (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6696)
Sollie

After the Leviathan revelation: Everyone has issues to work out…

The style is good, the angst very real. We all know both Revan and Carth have to fight their way through this, and we know or at least hope they will succeed.

Those to Come - Prologue (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6428)
SithHappens14

In interim between KOTOR and TSL: Revan is driven to make a decision.

The style is good, the story well rounded. A pity I won’t have time to read it all.

Homecoming (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6738)
McFinnegan

After KOTOR: Sometimes the only one that can forgive you is you.

McFinnegan has at times shown us humor or shown us angst.

But this was perfect. I only wish it was the only one I can say this next about.

My fourth pick of the week.
 machievelli
09-28-2007, 3:04 PM
#724
This week is all LF. Not because I thought it would balance out, but because they revamped the KFM site and I was hopelessly frustrated. I'll be back in there again next week though

The Path of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182216)
Grace

4100 years after KOTOR: A young exile decides to follow Revan’s path.

The story is well written, though I have to agree with the statements made by other reviewers. The path is a little too clearly laid out. Not breadcrumbs scattered along, but huge billboards. A simpler way that would have been more successful would have been having her follow along and listen rather than having ‘spirit guides’ every step of the way. Have them instead watching and nudging her.

I also agree we should get more.

Frozen (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182189)
Bee Hoon

During TSL: A descent into madness.

Problems with editing, but nothing major; remember to punctuate at the end of dialogue.

This is excellent work Bee Hoon. I could watch the fall with both a clinical admiration, and a disturbing alarm. You did what I did not in my own TSL work, looked inside how Atris had fallen. I gave reason, but you give us the sand castle crumpling.

If I had voted, you would have gotten one.

Desperate Times, Desperate People (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182087)

Starmark2K

Minor problems with editing. It’s on board, not on born.

Technical note: Most occupation forces, even the worst ones, avoid merely killing people because they are at present not of value.

Having them sent off to a concentration camp and disappear I feel would have been a better way to show casual brutality instead of just killing them.

It was a bit off topic I agree, but well done anyway.

He Who Wins (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181998)
Topsite

Anything negative I could have said has already been addressed. The piece does have one problem, but it is on a personal level.

You see Qui Gon was a believer in the Unifying Force, unlike most of the masters. In the book of the first movie he debated with Obi Wan because his apprentice had followed the other path. He would have understood Anakin’s problems with losing his mother more readily than Obi Wan, and when it came to the attack on Padme, he would have been more able to talk the hotheaded kid down.

But that is two different views of the same character, and both are equally valid.

Descent Into Shadow (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182337)

Darth InSidious

Long after TSL: Oldtimers reminisce before a young Padawan

I agree with the comment that it was surprise, and it was an enjoyable read. The only real complaint is there should have been more of a disparity in ages between Carth and Canderous. Remember Carth was in his forties (Approximately estimated from time he claimed having served) While Canderous claimed to have fought over 40 years, and assuming an age of 15, that would make him a minimum of mid to late 60s in KOTOR.

I especially liked your comment in a reply;

‘I was a bit worried about this, but the three of them just wouldn't do as I meant them to....’

I always thought I was the only one that had my characters take off into right field when I was working.

No Escape (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181816)

Igyman

No specific period given: A woman willingly embraces the dark

Anything negative that could be said has already been said. I enjoyed as did Tysyacha the stepping from ‘promising employee’ to removal anticipated.

The primary problems I had with it are technical; as efficient as she is supposed to be, I was surprised that she merely took the man’s word that she would be allowed to walk away. If he had been a senior company employee (Say her own boss) it would have made more sense.

Second; the man she faced was stupid in that he didn’t disarm her. That would have made more sense.

I thought however knowing why her family had been slaughtered would have been better. In an old Black Exploitation move whose name escapes me, you have a man’s girlfriend hunted down and killed because she had taped a mobster’s meeting. The lover goes after the man who ordered her death, and finds the tape. But the tape is barely audible. So the woman died for nothing, and the criminal could have let her live, because he brought his doom down for nothing.

One I would have voted for.

For the Greater Good (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182341)
Emperor Devon

KOTOR at the Rakata Temple: It is so easy to slip across the line…

Everyone has already dinged you on what needs dinging, ED. That said, all I have to say is this:

Great work! I liked the way you laid it out, how it progressed, and the denouement. I especially liked the special neural collar. Put the decision fully in Bastila’s hands.

I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind.

One of those I would have voted for.

Descent to Darkness (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182344)

Jae Onasi

Pre KOTOR: Revan and Malak go willingly into the dark.

The work is good, Jae. I am not dinging you on he instead of she. It left me with the suspicion that the masters had to have lied to our player when you return later. That was why I had Revan in my work find the map before they left.

That said I disagree with Bee Hoon that they should have been disarmed. It makes sense that no matter how hard you are inside, you need R&R, and this could have easily been during one of those brief breaks. I would have had them banning them from entering the temple however because that would have allowed them to seduce even more Jedi.
 Bee Hoon
09-28-2007, 10:57 PM
#725
Thanks for the review:) Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""?
 machievelli
09-29-2007, 11:23 AM
#726
Thanks for the review:) Just to clarify, dialogue needs punctuation after the ""?

correct. YOu did it twice if I recall
 Jae Onasi
09-30-2007, 10:29 AM
#727
Here's the rules on punctuation in or around quotation marks. (http://www.grammarbook.com/punctuation/quotes.asp) :)

Thanks for the review, machievelli. I appreciate the information.
 igyman
09-30-2007, 10:38 AM
#728
Thanks for the review, mach. Honest and professional, as it should be. I'll try to fix some of the things you mentioned in the [FIN] version.
 machievelli
10-05-2007, 2:50 PM
#729
Coruscant Entertainment Center

Alien: New Frontiers (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182669)
Phantom Knight

No specific era given: The Aliens from that series of movies move into the Star Wars universe…

When you described the face hugger on the victim you forgot the possessive (Around the victim’s). You don’t have to capitalize a job or designation. Parasite did not need it, and the following paragraphs with the medical specialties did not either.

When describing a person you do not say ‘whom’.

Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat.

The basic idea isn’t too bad, and the flow works well except for cumbersome sentences, and problems with description. As I have told so many before, edit, reread, rewrite, repeat until smooth.

Technical: The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems. As an example, an American doctor rarely sees a case of say Ebola, though a doctor in the Congo would know exactly what to look for. A medical data base such as say Walter Reed Hospital has covers every known parasitic species of our planet, and it would be logical that their hospital would have such a resource spanning not just the planet but every such danger for a sector or more at least. It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form. Remember that the Nostromo from the original Alien did not have such capability, but the Sulaco from the second movie did, because the equipment was used in the third movie by Ripley to find the implanted Alien queen embryo.

If you had made it a small trading outpost the following events could happen. But making it the equivalent of a city with proper medical facilities sort of leaves me wondering about the competency of the medical staff.

Kotorfanmedia

When KFM did their rework of the website last week I found I had to go back literally to the beginning to find my place. This was frustrating but not a wholly bad thing. I had missed the first five reviews below the first time around somehow. But better late than never.

Shards (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/412)
Karacat

Continuation of Revival: As Revan waits to enter the Rakata temple, she looks at the shards of her recently discovered memories.

The style drags a bit, but it is a good piece of work. The description of her shattered memories as shards of crystal is a good analogy well played and used.

Hope Rekindled (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/2046)
Shara Kortarr

Prelude to KOTOR: As a young woman prepares to join the crew of the Endar Spire, another worries about her mission.

The writing is good, needing only a polish to make it shine. Well worth reading.


The Sith Captive (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/2617)
Walruseater


During events of KOTOR: The sister of Revan is captured, but The Sith find they have bitten off more than they can chew.

The piece is an excellent example of Walruseater’s work. My first pick of this week

Men Don’t Cry (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/2804)
Aminta Jae

Two Years after KOTOR: A family reunion of sorts

Wrong word used, probably a typo (He instead of we) Thei instead of their, that kind of thing. A simple polish is all that is needed.

The basic story is sound, and the man waiting patiently for the return of the woman he loves is well done.

The Way Things Are (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3663)
Amoinete

Prelude to KOTOR: After a disastrous mission a scout decides to try again by joining the crew of Endar Spire.

The piece is well done, the history and byplay excellent. The second choice for pick of this week.

Fighting Sticks (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4869)
Starwars Chick

KOTOR During Taris Segment: A duelist finds something else to fight for.

The piece is pretty well done though rather vague at times. Bringing in another character adds to the spice of the scene.

Why (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4853)
JadesFire

At the Star Forge: There has to be a reason why Carth followed a dark Revan aboard the Star Forge

The piece surprised me. I hadn’t expected it to go this way, yet when I got to the end, I had to agree with the author. It would probably have been this way.

Third Pick of the Week.

Coming up for Air (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5138)
The True Exile

After TSL: Sometimes they don’t live happily ever after

Problems with word usage, and cumbersome sentences, but that is an editing and rereading problem easily corrected.

The story was a bit contrived, and you pushed it a bit far, but all in all a good read. Try polishing it a bit more before you post next time.


The Admiral's Daughter (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5193)
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child.

The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none.


Save the Galaxy (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5194)
Rainwood

KOTOR During Kashyyyk mission: They want me to do what?

I started into this expecting nothing. I left it chuckling because most ‘heroes’ don’t have angst, don’t have worries, are sure they will at least take a swing at the mission.

This is a breath of fresh air from dealing with a programmed ‘here to there’ adventure. Another pick of the week, but this one is THE pick of the week.

Darth Gizka (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5216)
JadesFire

A year after TSL: Just when you thought they were gone…

Between a squeaky toy in the form of Canderous, Carth’s life hanging in the mouth of a Gizka, and the Gizka’s commentary, it was a choice piece of fun. One of the two best I have read about the little critters.
 Emperor Devon
10-05-2007, 8:25 PM
#730
A late thanks for the review, mach! I'm quite flattered to hear you'd have voted for it.

I am however surprised that you might be surprised by describing Malak as ‘sneaky’. Being a brutal man does not stop you from having a mind.

It's the way he's portrayed KotOR, I suppose. There's no direct evidence in it he actually has a mind apart from taking advantage of a foolishly trusting master.
 jediserenity82
10-06-2007, 10:19 AM
#731
Coruscant Entertainment Center


The Admiral's Daughter (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5193)
Jedi Serenity

After KOTOR: Revan leaves her husband to watch over their child.

The piece is well done, the emotional byplay excellent. The ending with Revan calling actually hurt it, because there is no reason they could not have let the girl speak with her. At that age any contact would have been better than none.

Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again.
 machievelli
10-06-2007, 11:25 AM
#732
Thanks for the review, and I'm sorry that you weren't too pleased with the ending. I had originally intended to make it a two parter, which would have explained why they didn't let their daughter speak to Revan, but it was one of the last fics I wrote before the nasty writer's block hit me. Regardless, thanks for taking the time to read it, and I'll keep your critique in mind in the event I do write again.


It's good to hear from someone over at KFM. The primary reason I was bothered by the ending is that I didn't meet by biological father until I was 30. I think of how much my life might have been different if there had been that contact growing up.

I hope you get past the writer's block. It was well worth the read, and I hope tp see more.
 machievelli
10-12-2007, 2:08 PM
#733
Coruscant Entertainment Center

When I ran out of specifics to review here at LF, I asked that anyone who might have been missed please let me know. Thanks to that, we have the following piece missed about four months ago during my problem-with-moving time.

Shadows of Hope (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179436)
JediMaster 12

A year after Order 66:

Some word usage problems resist instead of resisted, lead instead of led. When you said the people were objective did you mean accepting or irritated by it.

The basics are good the story needs editing and polishing but who has avoided that comment from me?

Solovey: A Fable About Faith (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182874)
Tysyacha

Non Star Wars Russian Fable: How do you judge a person’s actions?

The story is good, Tys. The scansion for a child’s fairy tale or fable is perfect. Having worked on stage for several years as a storyteller at the Renaissance fair, I am only bothered that this was one I was not able to tell.

Kotorfanmedia


Crisis in Infinite Galaxies: (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3615)
Sikon

At the end of TSL: Alternate realities converge.

There were some problems, but all are editing and polishing ones.

The basis of the story is intriguing, and fun. Sort of like the ‘Five Doctor’s’ Episode of Doctor Who. Everyone connected by a single series of events, but different because of the alternate universes themselves.

Friendly Advice (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4016)
Codename SailorV

Before meeting on Dantooine: Lena tries to help yet another girl.

The story is well done, the sadness of a woman betrayed back into poverty excellently portrayed. One of my picks of the week.

Lucky number Sevyn (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4738)
Sevyn

Start of KOTOR: A dream segues into our story…

The primary negatives mentioned about this work have already been addressed. Remember to reread, edit, rewrite, and polish. Don’t let anyone stop you from doing it because as Onasilvslv said, you get better with practice. I could always tell you about my first attempt at writing at all… I shudder to think I did something that bad.

The Master and the Apprentice (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5153)
RevanRules

Some word usage problems, repeated instead of repeating awoken instead of awakened. Forgetting to finish sentences (I'm A lot of girls are going to hate me for becoming Master Kavar's FIRST padawan.) and forgetting conversation breaks. But remember these are editing problems. I suffer from them all when the creative juices flow, especially with a keyboard that inserts an R almost every time I hit a T E or F. Slow down, read, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish.

The basics are interesting, showing another glimpse of the inner workings of the training. I have to agree that the bonding ceremony does look suspiciously like a wedding.

Misery Loves Company (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5507)
Jae Onasi

After the Leviathan revelation: In vino et Veritas

Having been on one of these ‘the world hates me’ binges as both participant and princip0le, I have to applaud Jae’s take on the phenomenon. I thought it interesting that Canderous had a thing for her, but also that he had already buried one wife he deeply loved, and wasn’t sure he wanted to do that again. One of my picks of this week.

In Dealing With Rejection and Abandonment (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5502)
Revans Pet Duck

During Interim Between KOTOR and TSL: Revan’s departure hurt more than Carth and Bastila…

What can I say that others have not? The piece flowed well, the angry seen between the lover and unrequited lover smoothly done. The collapse of the meet was done a bit quickly though I think it was because you were clearing the decks for action. The only think I can honestly say then is;

One of My picks of this week.

Galactic Basic (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5501)
RyannQuinn

During trip from the Planet to Star Forge: Sometimes you have trouble saying the words.

This was one of the best-crafted stories I have seen in a long time. The angst of Juhani at being rejected, the pain of knowing someone else is getting what you have wanted, the desire for a shoulder to cry on, even the problems with translating what you want to say into another language. All well done. One of my picks of the week

For the Love of Food (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5440)
Innicol1990

During KOTOR: Be careful when HK is the cook…

The idea of HK cooking was amusing, and I anticipated not only his ‘tweaking’ but the main ingredient. But that didn’t mean I don’t like the piece.

Including the fact that being a little girl Mission might have a thing for cute animals everything else went as I expected. Carth and Bastila reacting exactly the same way was choice. A funny piece.

Someone made a comment regarding having a famous General being a vegetarian, but Himmler and Hitler were vegetarians, as was Sun Tzu according to what I have read.

The Shadows of the Rim, Interlude 1: Morning Will Come (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5024)
Hyperion Rising

Two Years After TSL: There are times you need to relax, even if it means drinking and dancing on tables

The piece was well wrought, the basic situation a standard through fiction of the wait before the action begins. I like the comment that the Exile likes to dance, and just uses getting drunk as an excuse to do so choice. Like the drunk looking in a lamp store to see which lampshade he’ll wear. Using Mission as the Intelligence agent was a bit much, but by then I didn’t care.

One of my picks for this week.

Dark Hero - Chapter 1 - Awakening (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5291)
Rakeesh

Before KOTOR: What do you do with a mind dead person? Especially when they won’t stay in one place?

This one surprised me a lot. I’m sitting here thinking; Now how is this author going to handle the problem?

Then Revan goes for a walk.

One of my picks of the week, and I just wish the author would send me a copy of the completed work. I want to read it all and don’t have access to the net all the time.
 machievelli
10-19-2007, 4:34 PM
#734
Kotorfanmedia

The True Sith (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5343)
Jaina Solo

A few weeks after KOTOR: Struggling with what she once was, Revan makes plans for going into the Unknown Regions

I love it when some of the best is the first I see. The story has an excellent start, the style clean and crisp, the motives behind continuing well defined. Another one of those I wish I had time to read in it’s entirety. Already on my list for pick of the week, and it’s only the first I’ve seen today.

The Jedi and the Mandalorian: (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5350)
RevanRand16

After Revan’s return from the Outer Regions: A long delayed reunion approaches

I can understand your frustration RR. You bust your hump, put it down on paper, tweak it, edit it, rewrite it, present it and nada. But you did good kid. If that isn’t enough praise, how about this:

On my list for pick of the week

Carth and The Fangirl (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5356)
Tatooine92

Alternate Universe: Carth faces his fans, sort of…

Here I am, having read a serious work above, then a poignant one after it.

And I get blindsided by this one. Too choice, and very funny, especially the end.
So what can I say?

Another pick of the week

Final Battles (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5385)
Prisoner24601

30 years after TSL: Everyone faces their own final battle.

The piece was so well done, the characters well defined, I hated to read it this week because everything I have read so far was so great. The end for Canderous was so perfect that I couldn’t complain beyond the same one about the period of time. If it had happened when it was just her and the children (Say fifteen years) it might have been better.

The only kudo I can give here is what I have already said above.

Right now I’m hoping on one side that all are that good, or nothing else comes up to this level. Because so far everything has been picked…

Even When All the Moons Stop Shining (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5399)
Belladonna

Seven Years after KOTOR: Will the love still be there?

The only complaint I have is with this one sentence:
‘Their sole duty was to make sure she showed up on time for whatever dinner or celebration one senator or another wanted the famous crew of the Ebon Hawk to make an appearance at.’ Where you needed to smooth it out.

That said, the work is excellent and the way you set it up perfect.

Finger Puppets (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5401)
RevanRules

During TSL: What does the exile do for amusement? Well she…

Minor problems with spelling and smoothing out the work, nothing that editing can’t cure. You keep repeating craft which I knew meant arts and craft but it caused me to stumble when I was reading. Don’t feel bad, I tell everyone they need to edit, and I edit my own work over and over.

The basics of the story are good, the idea that a rough tough warrior would find finger puppet amusing was cute, but the ‘get revenge on Atton’ part was really choice.

Leviathan - Part One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5413)
Tatooine92

KOTOR During Leviathan Incident: A generic retelling of the scene.

The work is good, the scene well laid out. I agree that you should avoid the standard dialogue, but that is my own quirk.

When I wrote my own version of the escape I liked each one so much that I just combined them (The Crew that wishes to remain nameless) figuring in real life that none of them would merely sit in a cell and allow themselves to be abused.

Well worth the read.

Dark Origin (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5417)
Tasca Lumina

Approximately six months after TSL:

Remember conversation breaks. Remember to edit so the style is smoother.

The basics are good and the storyline compelling. The comments above were the only stumbling blocks I ran into, and they are an editing problem.

Technical note: A capital ship is a battleship or battle cruiser, none of which actually exist if you want to be technical about classes they are given in the games books movies etc. The Republic ships of the game are usually called Frigates, which are smaller vessels though I think that is more lack of specific knowledge by the writers.

I have always considered the Corellian Frigate and the Mon Calamari ships from The Return of the Jedi as light and heavy cruisers with the Star Destroyer also heavy cruisers and SSD as battleships.

The Many Woes of Bastila Shan (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5434)
Katara Ironarm

KOTOR on Tatooine: During a storm, Canderous and Bastila have a private moment

There was one word usage problem; the term is rerouting, not resorting.

The basics are there, the scene interesting enough to keep you going. The idea that Canderous would be actually nice to Bastila was an interesting twist, as was her reaction to it.

Retribution (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5472)
Tasca Lumina

KOTOR, The Destruction of Taris: What, you mean he had another reason?

You forgot conversation breaks a couple of times. Again, editing problems.

The story is interesting, the reasoning behind Malak’s callous destruction a bit sad. It needs work, but it still is one of my picks of the week

Broken Promises (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5488)
Lady Revan

After KOTOR: Where can you run from yourself?

The writing is up to her usual high standards, the story excellent. The idea that Revan had literally ‘run away from home’ before heading for the Outer Regions is an intriguing possibility. Another of those I wish I could get full copies of so I can read it.

Another pick of the week

Showdown With a Little Old Man (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5503)
Tatooine92

KOTOR on Taris: Hatred will make you do things.

Considering how much I loathe the average bigot this story was a breath of sweet air. The one part of Taris that always irked me was that you didn’t get a chance to put that old SOB in his proper place.

Tat, I am not giving you another pick of the week. Primarily because you’re getting a best author of the week from me. Everything I’ve seen this week of yours was good.
 Phantom Knight
10-20-2007, 1:21 AM
#735
Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome).

Your description of the city is a bit confusing. You take two completely artificial habitats, and add in a normal albeit huge city. My suggestion would be to make that section flow better, leave out references to any specific place, but work in the utter artificiality of the habitat.

Yeah, sorry. I feel I didn't give the full description of the city in the prologue, so I gave more detail in the second chapter.

The medical science of Star Wars should be significantly advanced over what we have or will have within say the next century. And they are used to dealing with several hundred thousand different ecosystems...

It is also unlikely they wouldn’t have something that would detect an unknown life form.

I was under the impression that if the embryo were to remain undiscovered, and suddenly bursts out of the guys chest, it would make a nice twist and introduction of the alien. But now that you mention it, I suppose the medical staff lacking the technology to detect the alien (when it is the Star Wars universe) does seem kinda crummy.

Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy?
 machievelli
10-20-2007, 11:27 AM
#736
Sorry for not replying. Anyway, I apoligise for making this Fic suck, but hey, at least its better than AVP (However, the sequel looks awsome).

Anyway, to make up for my mistakes, I'll re-edit my last chapters so they can meet with everybody's standards. Happy?

Kid, I did not say it sucked. My biggest problem since I began writing myself (Years before you were born) is that I critique the story when I see movies and read books even today. My biggest pet peeve is the full auto blasting with anything capable of it just because it looks snazzy.

I was irritated with the original Alien until I found out that the Android Ash was the doctor, which explained why they didn't notice it.

As I said, it was the setting that spoiled the scene. Everything else was pretty good.
 machievelli
10-26-2007, 12:28 AM
#737
Tommorw the library is closed so I'm posting this early.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Such A Quiet Thing (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183095)
Uilleand
Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia.

The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course.

The first pick of this week,

Healing Touch (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183098)
Uilleand

Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton…

Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done.

Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week.

Legacy of the Force FanFic: Legacy's End (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183186)
)
Empress Padme

During LOTF: Vengeance must be mine…

The basic premise is good; the style needs polish, but no real complaints.

The story is a bit contrived, but the reasoning is sound. The only other option would be if someone who didn’t know him plotted this death. Please continue.

Kotorfanmedia


The Reality of Things (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5557)
Miraea Starr

Prelude to KOTOR: A specialist is cozened into joining the Endar Spire

The style is good, the basics sound. Making the main character the equivalent of a forensic pathologist is an interesting idea. Keep it up.

Bad Days (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5562)
Ellecrys

After KOTOR: The take on why Revan went into the Outer Regions…

The piece is short and sweet. The style is good, and the piece compelling. Enough so that it is one of my Picks for this week.


Fires of Change (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5585)
Onasilvslv

Prelude to KOTOR: What Revan did during that time before the Endar Spire.

The style is pure Onasilvslv having reviewed the author’s work before. The story only caused one twinge, that because no one had suggested a lag time of a year or more before the story begins. Can’t say it detracts though. One of my Picks for this week.

Something to Remember (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5652)
Grimrabbit

Alternate Universe preKOTOR: Maybe we shouldn’t let their imaginations run too wild…

The piece bothered me in only two ways. Since it was done without word wrap, it ran straight across the page. To read it, I had to copy paste into word, then read it.

That said I was glad I did what was needed. The piece was intriguing in the ‘all right what will they do?’ way, and seeing what Revan did for her ‘free range’ class project was a laugh.

The idea that the students would practice with their lightsabers by massacring the Kath hounds disturbed me on another level but the idea did not detract from the quality of the work.

Truce (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5912)
Prisoner24601

Alternate Universe KOTOR On Taris after Bastila’s Rescue: Carth struggles to understand his feelings.

One of the ‘What If’ entries, this piece is well worth reading. You get the flavor of someone trying to conceal knowledge without giving up his feeling, which causes the frustration that was so prevalent in the Taris Mission specifically.

The only way it could have been better is if it had been on Leviathan with Saul telling him and Carth saying ‘so?’. One of the picks for this week.

Spiteful (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5814)
Grimrabbit

Alternate Universe KOTOR: Considering the last piece, what happens when she finds out?

The set up is great, reminding me of the Osterman Weekend with it’s layer by layer secrecy until the main character is trapped.

While I had to agree that the piece jumped scenes abruptly, it makes a perfect companion piece to the part above.

Great Sacrifice (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5818)
Lady Revan

Pre-TSL: What if Revan had taken someone with her?

A well-written piece with everything a good story requires.

This story got a lot of comments, and I have to agree and disagree with some of them. In the middle of a fight is not the time to wax philosophical. And if sitting with the body long after they are dead doesn’t show love, I don’t know what would. As much as some picked at specific lines, the ending; ‘How did Carth continue forward after Telos? I wasn't sure, but I knew if I sat there for the rest of time, I'd never have that answer’ said it all. Life is going on afterward, no matter how much it hurts.

Superiority at any cost? (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5716)
Lnicol1990

During Korriban Mission KOTOR: Lessons of pain last…

The style was good, but the basic story a bit static and lackluster. The best scene is the sparring between Revan and Dustil because you put more into it. The comment at the end of that scene is the one I always wished someone would use to the ‘the dark side is automatically stronger’ types.

Revenance, Part I (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5722)
Alatriel Elen

During TSL: marooned, all Revan had were her thoughts.

The piece is good because of many things. The ‘why did I do this to myself’ attitude; the falling back into childhood fears, the relief upon rescue all protrayed.

My only real question is what’s on the data chip?
 Uilleand
10-29-2007, 4:59 PM
#738
Such A Quiet Thing (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183095)
Uilleand
Long before KOTOR: The path followed by Kreia.

The style is well done, the basics of the story well thought out and presented. Having never seen the author here before I was surprised until I checked the profile. An editor in her thirties would turn out such quality work as a matter of course.

The first pick of this week,

Healing Touch (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183098)
Uilleand

Aboard Harbinger: The Exile tries to save Atton…

Like the above work the piece is enthralling. The style is different from that work but at the same time as well done.

Thanks, I have my first Best of the best for this week.



Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust??
*chuckle*
Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh*

Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work.

Now, stay of my lawn, you punks!! *shakes cane in the air*
 machievelli
11-01-2007, 3:58 PM
#739
Older? Than what, precisely? Space dust??
*chuckle*
Oh, don't worry - I know, I know....just...older. *sigh*

Kid, the writers on here run from 12 and thirteen (Perhaps younger) and I think I'm the grand dad of the place at 54. My comment was merely on the breadth of style.


Thanks so much for the warm welcome to the forums. I very much appreciate your comments on my sometimes very strange work. *

Keep wrirting and I will keep commenting.
 machievelli
11-02-2007, 4:04 PM
#740
Feast of Fright on Dantooine (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183244)
Tysyacha

After TSL: An ancient feast is revived.

The style is good if a bit bland. The basis of the story works without the usual me screaming no about how it has obvious connections to Earth.

While the symbolism is obvious, the method used; dressing up as what you fear is well done.

Control (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183335)
Uilleand

After TSL: What if Atton released that control of his?

Again it is excellent work. Having never been an overly demonstrative man, I am struck by what might happen if someone this controlled merely let go. The only problem I had was the ending.

FORCE INTERVENTION (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183344)
Empress Padme

End of ROTS, Alternate Universe; What if Padme had lived?

There a problems with spacing, forgetting to leave space after periods, that kind of thing. An editing problem

The story was too short for a real evaluation, EP, let me know when it has been expanded, and I will review it again.

A Rose By Any Other Name, Part One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5773)
Kian

After Leviathan Revelation; Can Jolee Explain it better?

The style is good, the meter well timed. The story one all of us have gone through in the game, just seeing it from inside Carth’s head.

What I enjoyed is how it was centralized into ‘why can’t they see?’ more than why he might be wrong. Carth’s reservations make sense seen in this light, and even Jolee’s attempt to explain it pales in comparison. Worth being one of the picks for this week.

The Arms of a Child (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5755)
RevanRand16

Ten Years after KOTOR: Nothing matches the peace you find in a child’s arms…

The piece was subtly done. I had a suspicion who the main character was, and it didn’t surprise me. The interplay between a young woman trying to explain to a child why she is hurt is well done.

Another pick of the week.

Wedding Chaos (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5803)
ForceHorse44

After TSL: Revan and Carth finally get married, though there are some crashers…

A few comments; the ‘head type-thing’ could have been ‘her ever present bandanna, but in pink’. Anyone who has played the game will recognize the reference. ‘Sadly, the tower of champagne glasses was smashed by two flying Dark Jedi, which Mandalore held responsible for.’ Should have read whom instead of which and without ‘for’. These as has been pointed out above are editing problems.

When you man a cannon, you do not get ‘in’ it. If it is vehicle mounted (Suggested by the comment that it was in the garage) you would be in the gunner’s seat.

The piece was funny; the saving of the cake I agree was choice. I’m just wish I had not missed the party.

Aftermath, Chapter One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5815)
BlackFox

After the Star Forge: An interesting beginning for the next adventure.

The only complaint I had was that the tale was a bit confused, as if there was a lot of subtle interplay, which I for one wasn’t smart enough to catch. But it was interesting enough to make me want to read more. Another pick of the week.

What Can We Blow Up First? (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5816)
JadesFire

Alternate Universe Crossover of KOTOR and the Rogue Squadron books: The start of the adventure with a few additional characters tossed in…

Some editing problems but nothing that can’t be corrected by rereading but even professionals get that from me.

The basis surprised me, but after a while I got into it. The interplay of the people even from different generations was well done. There was the comment about ‘if the colonel isn’t happy, no one is’ and having served in the military, I understood and accepted it. If you write more, could you send me e-mail parts of it?

Another pick of the week.

Worthy (http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=6666) )
Muhnemma

TSL after saving Citadel Station: One final test for Revan…

Departing from canon, but great work. The interplay within the test was well done, the explanations of why she went through this specific test well done. Another pick of the week.

Endar Spire Part One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5834)
Tankgirly

Before beginning of KOTOR: The stage is set…

Some problems with wording and cumbersome sentences, nothing editing can’t cure.

The basic story is good, bringing you into the scene without the abrupt beginning of the game itself. It explores the actions of the two main characters without stomping on the canon entirely.


The Unknown Regions, Chapter 1: The Exile's Recovery (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5938)
KaiofDragonfire

TSL no Specifics except after Dantooine: Unknown memories plague the Exile

The story was a bit confusing for me, primarily because the provenance of when is not clear. The basics are good, and that is one of the most important parts of story writing.

; ; (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5889)
bRoKen gAze

Before the events in KOTOR: The main character deals with other people and her own sketchy memory.

The work is well done, the development of the main character workmanlike. Well worth the read. The last pick of the week but by no means least.
 Uilleand
11-02-2007, 6:44 PM
#741
Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin*
I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription....
 machievelli
11-03-2007, 11:37 AM
#742
Can I ask you to send me a note about your concerns with the ending? Not fair to say there are problems without saying what they are! *grin*
I'm very interested in the specifics. I think the intention does get lost because I strayed from the actual word-for-word of Atton's cut death scene. I've wondered whether or not I should edit it back to a direct transcription....


As I have already told the author, since I had not seen the death scene before, I did not recognize it. To me is was as if Atton was blind drunk and just opening himself up to the emotions is what drove him down.

I have already apologized to her now I apologize to you all.
 Uilleand
11-03-2007, 3:51 PM
#743
Oh, jeeze....:doh:
An apology is so not necessary!! really! :blush2: :blush2:
If I didn't get the point across, the fault lies with me! That's why I do appreciate feedback so much! I'm a bit useless, if I'm writing in a vacuum for my own pleasure, no? *chuckle*
 machievelli
11-08-2007, 8:50 PM
#744
Posting a little early because tomorrow is payday. Oh and daylight savings time is fun. try it when you forget the 'fall back' so you lose an hour of sleep.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

KotOR III: The Unknown Regions (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177971)
Darth Balatro

Eight Years after KOTOR:

The first thing I should say is I am sorry DB. I check to see if I have reviewed something by title, and sometimes only by an odd keyword. When I did so I found that a story by this same title (Only Knights of the Old Republic rather than KOTOR) had been posted and reviewed by me back in May.

However I do not know how often this might happen to you, but when I tried to use my ‘find’ setting yesterday it told me no such story had been reviewed several times (A lot of fun when you are sure you have done so) so I went through it posting by posting and discovered this error. That being said:

Some cumbersome sentences. (‘he's the one that Revan told me that he chose for this job.’) Would have been smoother if you had said ‘Revan assigned it to Bao Dur. The basis of the story started out well, but two things bothered me. First if Carth had merely told the character that the clues she needed to find the missing pair was on the planets but they had seceded, it would have made more sense. Also why would a Jedi (Not a Dark one) suggest bombarding a Republic planet as a show of loyalty?

Technical note; Calling a ship II is usually used for civilian ships. Military vessels tend to have merely the name. As an example there were seven ships in the US Navy named Enterprise since 1778 but none were called by an additional number. I know many writers have done this, but I have yet to find any warship in the last 400 years with a name and a number attached except for some Submarine classes in Russia.

Sorry, just the purist in me

Across the Stars, the Two Hunters: Zero Mission (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183539)

Master Jimmy

Crossover between Star Wars and Metroid set in the period approximately a century after ROTJ: An unlikely pair are sent to save a world.

It’s slid, not slided. The sentence ‘ship that was rocketing down to the surface’. Would have read better is you had used ‘ship plunging (or plummeting) toward the surface’. The sentence ‘the tunnel was rocky, but consisted with a bit of moss’ didn’t make sense until I mentally translated it into ‘sparsely cover with a bit of moss’. Remember, when the sentence doesn’t make sense or uses the wrong words, the reader hits a speed bump that takes him from the story for a few seconds.

The intro was convoluted and there was the error pointed out below. I liked the interplay of the characters, and making one appear to be either suicidal or stupid made them funny together. Her ‘oh I’m so dead’ was choice.

Canon note; Except for the Yuuzhan Vong there has been no mention of intergalactic travel. In fact there are comments in the canon that there is an energy field at the edge of that galaxy (Shades of Star Trek) mentioned in Outbound Flight. If you had said ‘nebula’ or ‘cluster’ it would have fit within that parameter with no problems.

Also you used Earth as the homeworlds of one character.

Lessons in Pazaak (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183442)
Uilleand

After TSL: The Exile searches for an old friend

The piece is like all of Uilleand’s work I have seen so far, which means well written and thought provoking. Along with everyone else, I wonder about the people that tried to attack her. Hopefully we will find out their secret.

Pick of the week on LucasForums.

Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Wraith Squadron: Cell Theory (http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=17080)
TuskenRaider1

19 Years after Yavin; My favorite Squadron prepares for action.

This is not the first of TR’s works I have reviewed, and it is up to the standards I think we should aspire to. There isn’t much to it yet, but what there is makes me want more.

I said it the last time (Bad Run) I’ll say it again. Keep it up.

One of my Picks of the Week.

kotorfanmedia

Short Stop (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5833)
Tankgirly

Approximately eight years after KOTOR: A brief reunion.

Some word usage problems. Chartered means being hired rather than proceeding, tried instead of try (Or remove the did) that kind of thing. No biggie, it’s an editing problem. If you have read any of mine, you’ll see I have the same problem sometimes.

As for the mechanics of the story, is this really your first attempt, or merely just the first here? This is excellent work. The story gives enough to make you a bit hungry for more, like (If you are old enough to drink) a bite of strawberry washed down by champagne.

One of my picks of the week.

The Paths We Take: Part I- Love's Sacrifice (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5980)

Starr

As the Star Forge is being destroyed: Sometimes all you have is hope.

Remember to tone down the game terminology. When you’re reading it tends to cause speed bumps in the reader’s path. Having been writing for over 30 years, I tend to edit them out automatically when I write, but that is only experience.

The basics are good, though the intro was confusing. (Both dark and light side angst comedy and AU?) The story itself is excellent, having a scene right of something like ER with the characters felt right.

As I tell any kid who will listen; reread, edit, rewrite, repeat until polished. Keep at it Pretty good work.

A Bond Like No Other (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5986)
Verna Jast

After the confrontation aboard Leviathan: Revan dreams, but are they of the future or her own fears?

The piece is pretty good, needing primarily polishing.

The piece has a bit of the same feel I had from the old psychological thriller Invaders from Mars where you find out it’s all a dream just as the ‘invasion’ begins again. I always wondered if it was a series of dreams or really going to happen.

One of my Picks of the Week.

Dancing (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5996)
Tatooine92

After KOTOR: The path to love…

The style is good, the story basic but at the same time poignant. The description of the dance music itself made me wish I could hear it. Not having a copy of Hungarian dances, I will merely have to use my vision of it.
One of my picks for best of the week.

For the Republic: Part 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6020)
Verna Jast

Pre-Mandalorian War; Dantooine Jedi Academy: She said, but he thought.

For a moment I thought the author had just repeated the first section again. About a line into it, I recognized what was happening, and really got into it.

With verbal communications, 85 percent of what is conveyed is by the words. But words are not what you heard but what you thought you heard. This puts that idea across very well, and makes you keep reading just to see how far the misconceptions go.

Shatter (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5409)
PhoenixGate

The escape from Endar Spire, with a twist: When the going gets boring, how about juggling?

The idea of having three people, all obviously playing one possible aspect of Revan as originally described was interesting. It kept me wondering which one was the real Revan.

Pathos (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5497)
PhoenixGate

During Taris: More background

Following that I agreed with the one person that had commented so far. The background on two of the trio of characters was well-portrayed right down to one drawling and the others overly precise speech.

Finding Hawk, Chapter One - Good Night Sweetheart (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6155)
Tatooine92

No specific time after KOTOR to 15 years later: A man reminisces about an important day in his life.

The piece flowed well, and the situation a human one full of both fear and joy for any parent. Well worth the read.

One of my picks for best of the week.
 Ferc Kast
11-08-2007, 10:08 PM
#745
I'll definitely keep that in mind while planning my next fan fiction. But, my K3 fan fic did fulfill the vision that I began with; So, the criticism wasn't too harsh on me.
 machievelli
11-16-2007, 3:41 PM
#746
I've been watching an interesting Anime named Noir. Only one disc so far, but I like it. The series gave me an idea. Anyone interested in seeing the dark side of me should look at Heart of the Assassin in the outer rim. This is a work in progress, and feedback is not only desired, but I am almost begging you guys. Anything you see that needs work, let me know.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

At the Trayus Core (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183074)
Tysyacha

TSL: The final confrontation.

The one thing I really liked was the way you translated the fight into what might have been called a debate beginning the ‘lecture’ with lightsabers and Traya’s defense as the ‘rebuttal’. Traya’s comments make me wonder about not the force but perceptions of it.
.
One thing that caused me to bobble was the use of terms probably right out of the games such as ‘power attack’ or ‘life drains’. Others have made comments on this so I will not comment on it further.


Reason to Kill (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182948)
Igyman

The climactic battle in KOTOR: Sometimes you need a reason.

A slight problem with double negatives; you’re usually pretty good, Igy, so I will leave it for you to find. The dйnouement was the best part of the work because it makes a specific statement everyone can understand and accept.

I usually don’t vote as you know, but you would have gotten mine.

Mistakes (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183175)
Darth Stephanie

First, why is it all one paragraph? By my estimates, I think it should have been about nine. Of course part of that is you made the same mistake I did when I first posted. Since the system removes all indents, the only way to tell when a paragraph ends is by the period and a larger than average spacing.

Second, you were hurrying with this. There was little or no character development. All we know for sure about her is she was a brat, grew out of it, ran away from the academy because she was homesick, and later led the Jedi off to war. No details. It is almost as if you just posted the synopsis.

kotorfanmedia

Bonds of Fate-Chapter 1: Darth Revan, Dark Lady of the Sith (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6172)
HitokiriShadow


PreKOTOR: What goes through the Dark Lady’s mind?

I started into it and was immediately hooked. The style is spare, but it leads you where the author wants you to go, and does it with such a delicate hand you barely notice.

The basics are good, the premise excellent. The only problem I have with it is simple and deeply personal…

I don’t have time to spend online reading it all.

The first pick of this week from KFM.


Coming Home (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6205)
Car7hLuvR

Approximately one year after TSL: Revan has a surprise for Carth when she returns from the Outer Rim. And gets one in return.

Some word usage problems haft instead of have, but that might be merely how you heard it; course (path) instead of coarse (Rough). You also forgot conversation breaks.

All that said, the work is excellent. The story, starting from when she left to after her return was full of the angst you would expect, and the love you anticipate. Very well done

A pick of this week from KFM.


Defying Gravity (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6237)
Ryusui

Pre KOTOR: The die is cast for Revan

The basics are well done, the situation what might have been anticipated the characters well considered.

Well done.


Ice Roses; Winter (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6253)
SkyePrism

During interim and after TSL: A lone survivor of a vanished people sees the quest of Revan and the Exile from her point of view.

The piece was well done, the basics portrayed with style. Seeing the main characters of both games from the outside gives us a unique perspective. The only problem I had with it was that several years had been compressed into so few pages.


Lessons - Bastila (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6322)
Lnicol1990


After the reconciliation on Tatooine: Did Bastila learn something from this?

Missing words in some places (‘a look offence’ should have of in it.). The primary problem with it is that you didn’t put a lot of yourself into it. It comes across as bland, like restaurant food. A problem solved by polishing.


Motivations: Revan (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6342)
Delasaer Chval

After the Leviathan Revelations: Revan and Carth tear into each other.

The author commented; ‘a/n: Spur of the moment little argument. No one has proofed it but me, and frankly, it's not worth it. It just helped kill a bit of Writer's Block.’

Kid, anything that breaks through a writer’s block is worth looking at, trust me on that. Two of my best works in my opinion were things that started as sheer frustration with that dreaded problem.

You had some problems with cumbersome sentences. As an example; ‘and couldn't believe what she was hearing. After she had just heard that…’ is hard to read. Perhaps ‘Carth was adding insult to injury as his mouth ran. After she had heard that…’?

That doesn’t make it bad, you came up with a choice line (Missing only one letter ‘s’ with ‘she growled, stopping short between insult, struggling to form coherent and useful insults’ caused me to grin. Having been so furious that I can’t even think what to say next is something I have experienced, and while it is not fun for you, it can be hilarious for an observer.

The only thing I did not like was that it ended sort of unfinished. But, having had arguments in my life, I know they aren’t always resolved, but that is just a personal complaint.


When they were young: Of Droids and Gungangs (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6079)
SkyePrism

After TSL: The members who were left behind begin having dreams of Revan and the Exile as younglings.

Some word usage problems. Wreaking (in the act of) instead of wrecking (the end result). Missing conversation breaks.

That said, I loved the idea you used. Picturing Revan as a young Padawan with what would almost be called blonde roots was good, reminiscent of my favorite Anime the Dirty Pair. I could see them sinking an entire city without even breaking a sweat. The disclaimer ‘Why the hell would they even make a city in a bubble that could pop!?!?’ made my day

One of my picks of the week.


It came from Nar Shaddaa (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6369)
Ghando

An unspecified number of years after TSL: A young Jedi goes on his final trial with… well… some advice

Verna has made the main comments I might have made in correction so I won’t repeat them. The piece needs some polish, but when does it not?

Every Jedi trial you ever hear about is dangerous and or difficult. Well guess again. This was a chuckle from Dustil’s apprehension to lying to his father in an amusing manner to Revan giving him advice which might help later, but we’ll have to see. If they had merely wanted to terrorize him it couldn’t have been done better.

Sleheyron: Yuthura (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6282)
343panic

Korriban KOTOR: The fight in the tomb, with an added twist…

Some word usage problems, toughed (Strengthened) instead of touched, could instead of cloud. This is an edit and polish problem, so don’t feel to bad. I get dyslexic sometimes too.

The piece was pretty good. The problems I had were the uses of terms from the game, and lack of knowledge in equipment. An average modern stun grenade, what is called a ‘flash bang’ is about the size of a hockey puck and would be quite heavy enough to knock someone on their butt if it hit them before detonating. Plus as much as the game designers just toss them in, real grenades are rarely used in an enxlosed space you yourself occupy.

Having them move around over what sounded like half the building was refreshing and adding the terentatek as a bit of mobile terrain was a good bit.

This is the first I had heard that Sleheyron was not only a suggested locale but also that there might be cut scenes from it. After reading this I wish that A: they had not cut this out, B; that they had left it in with the option to add Yuthura to the band, or C: someone would add their own mod for it.
 machievelli
11-23-2007, 1:57 PM
#747
An intersting week. Forgot thanksgiving, then found out my computer was starting to check the hard drive, which suggests problems with the system. Then I found out that the reason for it is a bad battery.


kotorfanmedia

Epilog: Tabula Rasa (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5861)
343Panic

Alternate Universe aftermath of KOTOR: A man with no memory struggles to understand his situation.

Nothing comes to mind that needs real correcting or editing, though I never really stop editing when I write.

The piece is dark, the scene stark, and I loved it. We the observers know who the man is, but the struggle he has trying to discover what has happened draws you along with him. First pick of the week.

Alone (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6317)
Starr

After KOTOR: Alone on Malachor V, Revan struggles with her ghosts and her past.

The piece needs some polishing, but other than that, it’s excellent.

The premise is good, the inner struggle manifesting in external visions. The end was a bit fluffy for me, but that did not stop it from being well worth your time.

Another pick of the week.


Family is More than Blood (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6510)
AkroOrka

On Taris: Carth discovers more about his new associate.

Some word usage problems. Top instead of too, bequest (Given from a will) instead of behest (request) that kind of thing. Also the term is overrun instead of run over when a place has been invaded.

The basic piece is well done journeyman style work.

Technical: The id plate reading fluctuated between being military precise, and haphazard. A minor thing, but I disturbed me a bit. But that is because I have read such reports.

Long Road to Taris (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6479)
Tatooine92

Starting Two Years Before KOTOR: A young woman becomes our Hero aboard Endar Spire

I have to agree it isn’t as well polished and laid out as your usual work, though your style still shows through. The running battle through the Endar Spire was truncated, making it almost seem as if it wasn’t the backdrop for the entire end.

My primary complaints are technical; why would you have an embassy, which is by definition an enclave of another nation’s soil, in the capital of the Republic? Second, even if you were frantically hiring mercenaries to fight for you, military discipline would be maintained. In composite units discipline would actually be stricter than the average recruited military unit. Check out the example of the French Foreign Legion for a better idea,

Canon note: The game book for KOTOR defined the Endar Spire’s class of ship as Frigate, not cruiser.

Revan's Challenge (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6538)
Uilleand

After Star Forge: Revan has to make a choice

Others have reviewed this and everything negative I can think of to say has been addressed. I disagreed that the first real explosion of her emotion was unnecessary. Sometimes you have to try to break yourself out of that circle when you’re mad, and a primal scream will do that. A bit over the top true.

The piece does need some work in the areas commented on. But the end made up for it.


Revan: Back in Five (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6565)
TangentalJedi

After KOTOR: As Revan leaves, she all ready regrets it

The style was good the byplay of emotions well done. The point of her leaving, and why she couldn’t even tell her love why cuts to the quick of the situation.

Another Pick of the week.

The Cantina Syndrome (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6654)
SkyePrism

After TSL: As they scour the Unknown Regions, Arista (the Exile) discovers what Revan calls the Cantina Syndrome.

The style is good, the flashbacks well linked to the present and full. Revan’s description fits what I know from my own life, that memories are always there, it’s just that they seem to come out more in a bar setting.

Another pick of the week

Parting is Such Sweet Sorrow (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6675)
Nausicca

Alternate Universe, KOTOR: You don’t need a Jedi to solve every problem…

Verna already said a good bit about this and agree with her assessment. The biggest problem I had with both KOTOR games was that a lot of the side quests were mere fluff, such as this incident and the murder at the bridge. You don’t need keen Jedi sense to work either one, merely a minor degree of deduction for one, and common sense (Mixed with humor) for the other. The additional line tossing Zalbaar’s name in would only have been made more silly if he had moaned Mission’s next.

Not only a good first attempt, but also one of my picks for this week.

damnatio memoriae 1: dreams (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6681)
Verna Jast

During KOTOR: A girl can dream…

A bit hard to follow at first, but once you understand what is happening, it’s subtle, twisting in your mind as you see the two version of what is not only happening and what might have been. The end of the dreams, when she is forced to go back to reality twists the knife even more.

Well worth the read, and a pick of this week.

Why her name is Star... (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6696)
SkyePrism

During Interim in the Unknown Regions: Revan finds maternity an uncomfortable fit at first.

The story is a basic human tale, with the humor of not only a gentle helper, but also the woman who seems at points disgusted and terrified by the process. Having been around women who were at this stage of their pregnancies I could picture each scene like a gentle painting. One of my Picks of the Week.

Broken (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6707)
SkyePrism

During KOTOR: Will Carth admit he was wrong in time?

Skye has done it again. The work is well laid out, the feelings fitting the mood and the mood setting the pace. Worth every second of time spent reading.

One of the Picks of the week.


Drunken Admissions (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6790)
FrackinAmazinGirl

After the Leviathan Revelation: It can be so hard to say.

The piece was cute, though as Verna pointed out, the first paragraph was redundant. The hesitancy, disappointment, even yearning came through lightly veiled, the reaction by the end already apparent. As a first posted work it is an excellent introduction.

One of the picks of this week.
 machievelli
11-30-2007, 2:21 PM
#748
two weeks since I posted Heart of the assassin, and only one comment.

sigh

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Luck of the Draw (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=184016)
uilleand

KFM Dueling Challenge, set on Taris during KOTOR: Trapped on Taris, two unlikely people get together

The work is up to Uilleand’s usual standards, meaning excellent. Would anyone be surprised when I say first pick of the Week?

Adidas Returns (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183982)
Daft Adidas

No period given; A nemesis returns to plague the galaxy

The work needs polish, and the characters need to be better defined. What I got from the meeting in the Regal headquarters sounded more like a group of kids in high school first picking on the small kid, then sucking up to him because he actually has a brain when they need it.

Now technical;

You give a vague description of the ships. So vague in fact that we have nothing to use to visualize it. Saying it is ‘the biggest you have ever seen’ needs something to compare it to. The shock in ANH when Millennium Falcon approached the Death Star wasn’t just that it was a huge ship. It was because first they thought it was a moon, and obviously from every reaction on seeing it, that no one had ever contemplated anything mobile that big. You also gave the ship too much engine power to be readily believed.

As for the rest remember the first rule of Science Fiction and Fantasy; You are allowed one impossible thing.

Just one.

kotorfanmedia


Knowing (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6714)
Venga Fett

PreKOTOR: What if Revan remembered before the Leviathan?

Like one of the other people who had commented said, the first paragraph sucked me in. An excellent piece of work.

A pick of the week.

Time's Embrace (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6856)
Ethereal

After Leviathan revelation: Carth and Revan deal with how this affects them

The intro into the confrontation was a bit short for me, but beyond that, I have to agree with others;

If this is you first piece, don’t tell us it’s your last! Write more.

A Day in the Life of the Prodigal Knight (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6811)
RevanRand16

Ten years after Star Forge: we see what Revan’s life could have been like.

Some word usage problems. Saying ‘solve’ the punishment for example. I agree that it needs tightening up editing and polishing. That said though it was an interesting little piece and as Verna Jast said, I can picture you writing the entire work like the paragraph she praised.

Facing the Universe... Together (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6878)
FrackinAmazinGirl

Before Revan goes to the Unknown Regions: Carth just won’t let go…

Whereas is one word. The biggest problem I had with it was as smoopy said, the all caps, which while it let you know they were yelling, also jars the reader. I use it sparingly. Maybe one word in the sentence, as if the person almost bellows it. Another way would be to break the sentence into single word sentences like ‘Don’t. Tell. ME. What to do!’

A Cathar, a Captain, and a Former Sith Lord (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6899)
Walruseater

After the Leviathan Revelation: Revan gets blindsided not once, but twice.

Seeing Walruseater listed you just know the story is going to be good, and this one really rocks. The two surprises Revan gets makes it excellent. I am not saying another word. Read enjoy.

Another pick of the week.

Shadows In The Sand (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/6949)
Ethereal

Approximately two months after the events in KOTOR: A look into the Mandalorian soul, and how it changed.

The style is workmanlike, the characters well defined, the angst readily explained and the finish smooth. Only the second piece by this author so far, but I expect plenty more.

Another pick of the week.

Awkward (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7054)
Tatooine92

Some word usage problems. Comeback doesn’t feel right where used, I think ‘downside’ would have been better. That being said, excellent work.

From reading the reviews by others, and your response, would you rather I wait until version 2 before reviewing this? Please send me an e-mail or pm.

Reunion (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7065)
Tatooine92

After events in TSL: The fateful reunion.

The piece is a bit of fluff, but that being said, it was a very nice bit of fluff.

Another pick of the week.

Thicker than water: chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7113)
Oktobrerayne


A what if challenge: If Revan was never defeated by Bastila or betrayed by Malak before the start of the game, what would have happened?

Only one editorial note; ‘Her skin sweat’ I think required the word ‘poured’. The style is good, the subject intriguing, and the portrayal well done. You version of Revan here is chilling and seductive at the same time. What else can I say?

Another pick of the week.

Meridian's Voice - Part One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7106)
Tullis

Six Years after Revan’s Disappearance; A new enemy strikes swiftly

This piece surprised me just a touch. Not a bad thing. Going from the mundane to horror is always a good way to start, and this makes me hunger for more. Well done. Another one of those I wish I had time to read all the way through…

Another pick of the week.

Futile (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7073)
Cellotlix

23 years after TSL: Three old men still wait.

Naivety is spelled naivetй. Conversation breaks missing in some places. Some word misusage (mind instead of might).

That said the sad view is well done. Few people think of Penelope spending 20 years waiting for Odysseus to return.
 Daft Adidas
12-02-2007, 2:04 PM
#749
Thanks for the review mach.

I will try and work on the things you have mentioned to my best ability. My latest chapters does not describe the new character, as Im trying to leave it some mystery. The next chapter will reveal all.

Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. :P

Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff.

Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything.

Adidas
 machievelli
12-03-2007, 11:21 AM
#750
Only one impossible thing? But I want my story to have lots of weird and impossible things. Isn't that ok. :P

Yeh, sorry for the VERY vague description on the giant ship. I will work on this stuff.

Well done on all of your work, and for taking the time to review everything.

Adidas

As an example DA, assuming somekind of space travel is possible, you have the original pilot of Star Trek, where the 'odd element' is the Talosians. Or Star War with 'jedi powers'. But as you go on you build on it. lots of weird and impossible things are acceptable; if the items I had mentioned were done spread out through the book, it would not have struck me as I mentioned.

As for the speed of the ship that is mere physics. the larger the item, the harder it is to accelerate.

As for the dialogue, I tend to use the trick my mother taught me of vocalizing it from both sides. It is weird, but it makes the dialogue flow better.

And it is a lot of fun on a crowded bus. You get more room to spread out very easily...
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