Coruscant Entertainment Center
Void A tale from the Book of the Nine (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179992)
OD Mia
Time not specified, but probably between ROTS and Survivor’s Guilt in the EU: A mysterious person meets the 501st.
I see others commented, especially Jasra and Jae who I admire and what they did not address I will. As I tell every kid the first time I read their stuff, reread, edit, rewrite, edit again, polish until smooth.
I agree with DA in only one point. You have given no orientation or even race of the opponents he is facing. Are they rebels? Are they even human? Who are they fighting and why? This is important to a reader because we don’t just want mindless violence, we want a reason for it.
Plus you’re mixing eras. You have the Sith, who supposedly had not been an organized body for a thousand years, raiding a base that had been protected by the 501st, who first followed Vader, then became the major force in the section of the Empire mentioned in the Hand of Thrawn series.
Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales: Mission Across Space (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180026)
The Doctor
Compilation of Doc’s KOTOR fiction: Why Mission and Griff ran…
The basics are all there, and considering most of it, we’re going to get as much explanation as Mission did of what occurred and why.
Every editing and spelling suggestion was already said, so I won’t repeat. Just remember to edit and proofread, k?
Loss and gain (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180559)
Darth Stephanie
After TSL about 20 years: The Funeral of Revan
Some spelling problems. Greif instead of grief. Infact is two words. Others have already pointed out most of what is wrong, so I will simply repeat my mantra.
Proofread, edit, reread, rewriter, polish, and repeat until it is the best you can do.
One minor thing. A horse is native to Earth. You will notice that everyone else merely calls them a riding beast of some kind. Just come up with another words for it. As an example, by using comments by varied writers in the EU I have ascertained that a Nerf is probably a sheep, and a Barve is a pig. Primarily because I don’t see being insulted by being called a ‘Nerf Herder’ if it’s the equivalent of ‘cowboy’.
Keeping the Galaxy Intact (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180600)
Tysyacha
No specific era given: A duelist fights, but not for what you might expect.
The piece is good, the basics are there and I think it will go far. I was asked by Tysyacha to collaborate on this, and had to decline with regrets. I ran into a block on what I was doing in our last collaboration, and right now I need to figure out how to have the time to write again.
One thing, Tys. Remember that Kung Fu is an earthly martial art. You can rename it and it will work.
Untitled (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180233)
Reclaimer
Before TESB: A squad runs into something unexpected on Hoth
You used point instead of pointing. And you don’t have to say a dead corpse. ‘The corpse had on a bloody worker outfit, like the ones the crew had on’ would have been less cumbersome if you had said ‘the body was dressed in the same outfits as those we had escorted’.
The descriptions are good, and the piece flowed well. The biggest bobble I had was having him lose most of the squad on Tatooine. I doubt rthey could have flown in fought a pitched battle and Luke living on that planet would not have heard about it. To Luke the Rebellion was like Camelot to Lancelot in that musical. Something he had heard of and wanted to join, but it was somewhere out there.
Technical note: You did well with every aspect of the military op, but you fumbled it by having some call the sergeant sir. As many a Petty officer I dealt with would say, Sergeants work for a living, and those you call sir do not.
Forgotten Scars (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=179551)
Sabretooth
Minor points Sabretooth. Coffee is an earth drink, and dog, an earth animal. That is why they call animals of their type ‘hounds’ in the EU. This is minor, and part of the reason I had my characters drinking teas, because any infusion with leaves in water is a tea.
The piece is good despite its faults, and I was not surprised because while I haven’t seen Sabretooth’s work recently, the work of this author graced my very first column.
My pick of the week from Lucasforums.
The Jedi Archives
Scars of War (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181027)
Igyman
During interim between the end of the Mandalorian wars and the beginning of KOTOR: Soldiers returning from home suffer.
The work was excellent Igy, but the portrayal of the subject matter bothered me.
First even with ‘post traumatic stress syndrome’, 95 percent of the people who go off to war return without major psychological problems, so having even two from the same area having exactly the same problem with exactly the same solution is unlikely. As much as the peace movement seems to think everyone who has ever served is automatically a brainwashed zombie who will suffer horrible nightmares, it isn’t the case. Suicides are more likely among retired policemen than it is among returning vets.
Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater
Dark Hand (
http://www.galacticsenate.com/showthread.php?t=16877)
Nightvision90
250 years after the battle of Yavin: Yet another war, this time between the Empire and the Dark Hand
The basics are good, there are some problems with the way it reads, but that is an editing problem.
One minor point, An empire is also called an Imperium rather than an Imperial Kingdom.
Technical: There are military geniuses, however the odds that someone would be able to reach Grand Admiral (The equivalent of an American Fleet Admiral) is unlikely. An officer that young with a rank that high would not have done it through competence in combat in most situations.
Kotorfanmedia
A New Hope Reborn, Prologue (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5784)
Phalon23
Beginning of KOTOR: Three women meet aboard the Endar Spire a year after Revan is captured… But which is which?
The piece is well written, and the only thing that bothered me was, which one was Revan?
Meeting Yourself (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5793)
Onasilvslv
After Leviathan incident: Who am I Really?
A very interesting take on the situation. The arguments are cogent from their own points of view, *
If I Close My Eyes Forever (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5807)
Danielle1980
Kotor after Leviathan incident: Sometimes you just wish it never happened.
The piece was good, the emotional overtones well done. I had thought I recognized the song, but it wasn’t the one I thought.
Turning the Tide: Chapter 1 (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5808) )
Wick3dWitch27
Not finishing sentences Such as ‘I told I was sleeping didn’t I?’. But that is an editing problem. Slow down a bit when you write, proof read and edit. I have the same problem if you have read my stuff. The way you handled the last sections of the fight were interesting.
Technical note, marine troops aboard ships are usually called fleet marine units, but a fleet implies ships entering, not the men.
life after death chap.1 (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5463)
Safetyjedigirl
After KOTOR: Sometimes you best wasn’t good enough
Some cumbersome wording such as being taken off (Sometimes spelled 0f) the Jedi order is confusing. Removing would have been better. You also left out words in some sentences. One problem was the end seemed contrived.
Technical note: There is no specific size for a Garrison since the Romans standardized the size of the Legion. So saying a ‘garrison and a half’ makes no military sense. Also, unless you have a dockyard facility, it is unlikely that a commander would leave a ship completely empty. You need a station keeping crew or sensor crew aboard at least. The only reason to leave them in orbit unmanned is abandoning them or lack of crew.
The Princess Jedi, Prologue and Chapter One (
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=5697)
KSCrusaders
Set in the Expanded Universe approximate with the Jedi Academy Trilogy. KOTOR Meets the Princess Bride head on.
I was at first shocked then delighted by the story. The only problems I had with it was ‘Grandpa’ Anakin being blue, and Jacen thinking the name is cool since he has a brother by the same name. All in all however an enjoyable read.