Thanks for the review! I fixed up some of the mistakes. Good point about the ending, I'll think about a better way to finish it

I sent out a request for people to let me know if I should review their non-SW postings.

What I got was a resounding silence.

All right my dearies, no more mister nice guy.

I am going to have to start at page 18, the very bottom of the list. If anyone is interested, I'm going to be using comments, since most of the Outer Regions stuff (Mine included) got few or no comments. So I'll be done in about two weeks.

It also means that if you want to comment, you had best play catch-up.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

DBZ no title yet (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176976)
Reven0123

DragonBall Z adventure: After a spy is caught, a mission is planned.

The biggest problem is flow. It doesn’t flow well and part of that is TMI, what my wife would call Too Much Information. Don’t get too far into the minutiae of why and how. As is pointed out in the Making of Star Trek, you don’t have Marshal Dillon explaining the mechanics of the Colt Peacemaker, because they are incidental to the story.

This causes rocks to fall into the flow of the river of the story, and that causes the reader to be buffeted. The smoother the story flows, the better. This like a lot of problems is an editing problem. Just look at the work, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish until smooth.

The explanations of the training clothing is excellent, giving someone like me (Who never got into the DBZ universe) an idea of the why of their costuming.

a star wars story with no name (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=151161)
Commas

No specific era given: A Dejarik game leads to a more interesting proposition

I missed this one on my first run through because it’s only a few paragraphs long, and hasn’t been touched since 2005.

The work is interesting in it’s own way, so the author should maybe expand it a bit?

Evil Terror (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=184256)
RevanMMaster

Non Star Wars: A demon from hell thirsts for revenge.

The basics are good but you’re hurrying the story too much. You go in two paragraphs through a century of enslavement and revenge, but have no explanation as to why. Slow it down. Horror writing, like any story, is a refreshing drink to be savored, not chugged like a glass of water on a hot day.

Four Rogues: A Dramedy (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=176082)
Tysyacha

Non-Star Wars: A thief has his day and his say in court.

The primary things I saw wrong with this were two. One, it is two blasted short, and second, I’m wondering why a Constable is passing sentence, the duty of a judge.

Still a Pick of the week.

Puns (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=174789)
HappyMojo

Non-Star Wars fiction: A teacher will teach, even when it is a story.

I cut you some slack because of the time you spent on it. So just remember, reread, edit, rewrite, and polish.

Sort of like a Chinese cookie, a subtle taste with an interesting aftertaste. Too short for my tastes.

Power (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177795)

Lord Spitfire

Non-Star Wars Fiction: Evil has a defender…

The work is interesting, but the premise is curious. Everything in life has a balance, yet you leave that out. If you have an explanation, I’d like to hear it.

kotorfanmedia

Light Side Female Exile

The Paths We Take (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7883)
EmeryBoard

After TSL: The Exile decides she must follow Revan alone. A pity she doesn’t have a say in the matter.

The piece needs editing, and polishing. Beyond that I loved the way it flowed and ended. The ending was one of the best I have ever seen.

Pick of the week.

The Final Moments (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3155#comments)
Winter Onasi

After TSL: Revan considers that it was teamwork that made everything come out in the end.

The basics didn’t follow the canon., but by the same token did I care as I read? No way, because it flowed well. The Story was aq curious and fun departure from the canon, and well worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

Return (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3266)
CodeNameTargeter

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.


After TSL: What do you do when your love finally comes home?

This could have been taken to any genre of movie from western to the stars, dropped in, and it would fit smoothly.

That isn’t derogatory. It’s a comment on how well the author works. 14 thumbs up.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Return of Revan (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3305)
Jedi Serenity

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.

After TSL: Carth and Revan are reunited.

The story is basic and poignant. Very well done.

20 thumbs up, and worth every one.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

When I started I intended to have only one piece of everyone’s work. Of course I was working from the bottom of the original Author’s list, which has since become defunct.

That is why I did not review this work before, and all I can claim is youthful inexperience and long and faithful service. But Amber deserves the same treatment I have given every other writer who posted more than one work so…

Spoken For (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3313)
Amber Penglass

TSL, No specific period: Nothing can be as frightening as Marriage?

Some word usage problems, Wristful instead of wistful, the instead of they. Nothing major. Merely an editing problem.

That said, I started giggling when I got to the Alien chief’s diatribe, and the end was pure choice. All I am hoping for is the scene that follows this one, because her revenge has to be as monumental as her irritation.

Pick of the Week.

A Mismatched Set-Chapter One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3314)
FalnAngel9124

Originally reviewed on June 7 2007. I failed in posting this on Kotorfanmedia last year, but here it is now.

Set almost two decade before KOTOR: An unlikely pair of friends meets Jolee Bindo.

Having Revan come from a society as straight laced as the one Falnangel describes is just so choice. Especially being born of an upper-class of that society. How Revan handles it, and how easily she is willing to throw it aside makes the characters even more interesting

Reprise Pick of the Week.

They put the Outer Rim (Non Star Wars) in the normal queue here, so I’ve been going through all of them. Only two pages (A dozen by me) so if anyone wants to try their hand and stick a fork in me by all means do so. Otherwise they won’t be reviewed.

Coruscant Entertainment Center


Fable- My GCSE Entry- (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=172400)
TSR
Non Star Wars: Sometimes, the evil just wants to rest…

While the basics were not too bad, you tend to create massive paragraphs. Remember first that a paragraph addresses one concept at a time.

When people speak, you have to break the paragraph again, and if it’s too cumbersome people won’t read it.

Cade Drottning (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181537)
Reuben Shan

Non Star Wars set in the world of Eragon: Sometimes it only takes time to see what you want.

The piece is short, and the only problem with that was you forced the story to make it so brief. Remember that a story has to flow, it has to take the reader with it. If it is literally run from place to place you end up with confused readers, not satisfied ones.

Ease down, and let the story flow naturally, give us more to see, to visualize, and to enjoy. Don’t worry, it’ll come.

Trust me.

I, Vader: Part II (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188529)
Tysyacha

Near end of ROTS: Anakin considers his recent past to see where his fall began.

The piece is the usual work we can expect from Tysyacha. The story is flowing well and I anticipate the third part.

Tales of a troubled Elf (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=185517)
SilvanElf

Non Star Wars: After a battle, the old ways still work
The problem I see here is only one, SE, where is the rest?

Little Dreamer (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=186393)
Bee Hoon

Non Star Wars: The past and future collide in more ways than one…

An interesting piece, BH. If this is the one you wanted reviewed, good work.

Pick of the week.

This is Our Way (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188527)
The Source

No specific era given: A dark Lord contemplates his discoveries. All of them.

Problems with word usage. Ceiled (To provide or cover with a ceiling.
) instead of sealed. The other problem is I saw at least four places to break that one monumental paragraph.

The basics and work was good, just not up to your usual standards.

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Revan

Tol-Mar chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7889)
INicol1990

After the Star Forge: Time seems to slip as Carth buries his friends, and Dustil mourns his father.

The piece was a bit confusing, but the very confusion engendered makes me want more.

Pick of the week.

Loyal (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7891)
Darth Mettiz

Some time after Malachor V: An eager dark apprentice waits for her master’s return.

Some problems with word usage, faced instead of fazed, whish instead of wish.

The basics are good, and I just wonder who this little homicidal maniac is. More please.

Light Side Female Revan

Only You. Chapter: One (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7915)
TearsOfDarkness

Six years after the destruction of the Star Forge: On the anniversary of the destruction of the Star Forge, Revan has her annual nightmare, but there is more than just dreams evil to fight…

The piece has some interesting moments. It does tend to drag a bit, but that is because it doesn’t flow perfectly. But that is an editing problem.

Please, keep it up.

Double Dare (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3489)
Miraea Starr

TSL After the battle of Onderon: Place your bets, place your bets!

The piece started off rather bland, but the flashback, the bets, the Exile in a nightie, Too much good stuff!

Pick of the Week.

Rude Awakenings (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3414)
Mayla

The Mandalorian Wars during Battle of Dxun: A little bit of comedy during the horrors of war lighten the mood.

The piece flowed well, the scene well done, the story excellent as it is. It’s well worth the read.

Pick of the week.

Backup: Beginnings (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3482#comments)
Onasilvslv

Five years after the destruction of the Star Forge: Between enigmatic warnings from long dead friends, and dreams starring others, Carth Onasi suddenly discovers a need to search for his love.

The piece started slow, but moved inexorably to a conclusion that leaves you wanting more. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week.

Thanks for the pick of the week, mach!:D Yep, that was the one.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

A Matrix Online Fanfic: Mediation (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=178398)
Davinq

Non Star Wars fiction set in the Matrix: Two rival groups fight to see who can control the human side of the Matrix.

Remember quotation marks. If the conversation is telepathic, using italics would be acceptable, but in normal conversation, it helps the reader focus.

The piece has it’s moments, but frankly was not my cup of tea.

The Dreamed Memory (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187610)
Ferc Kast

Non SF: A dream segues into reality…

The biggest problem was the piece was too short, and ended without resolution. The dream did resolve it, but how much of real life would follow that path?

Short Funny Fics (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=175339)
Daft Adidas

Non SW fiction: A couple of off the wall vignettes.

Remember to check your spelling, and edit. The pieces were interesting in their own right.

Time Can't Stand Still Forever (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=183185)
Empress Padme

Non Star Wars set in Inuyasha: Love works in mysterious ways…

Remember to leave spaces after periods, and edit. You used a lot of improper words, your instead of you’re, to instead of too, that kind of thing. This is an editing problem, and I’ve done it so often people have gotten tired of digng me on it.

Never gotten into Inuyaha, but it does all right. Keep it up.

Taryn's Interdiction (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187406)
JediMaster12

Non SW Fiction set in Star Trek Hidden Frontiers: An old friend is asked to undertake an important mission.

The piece is up to JM12’s normal standards. For those who are into the Star Trek Universe. It flows well.

Two Sides of Heaven (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=177507)
ForceFightWMe12

Non Star Wars Fantasy: Flight from a demon leads to rescue.

Long time no see, FFWM. Some of your best work so far.

Pick of the Week.

kotorfanmedia

Prologue: Malachor (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7936)
Aimee

TSL after battle of the Trayus Core: Make you choice without regret.

This is a short piece, just the dying words of one of the combatants. But it is an excellent vignette worth a second look.

Pick of the Week

Treasure the Moment (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3499)
Darth Narciss

TSL in the Traya Academy: The final confrontation between the Disciple and Atton with a unique twist.

Read this at the start, I thought, Ho-hum, Mical and Atton yet again.

Boy was I wrong.

When the fight started, I was instantly caught up, and read it in a flurry. Excellent work.

Pick of the Week.

Over the Edge (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3736)
Paranoid Gerbil

TSL At the Traya Core: Creatng the perfect assassin has it’s downside.

Like the story above, this surprised me. The plot shifted enough that what I expected to happen didn’t occur, and I like it when the author surprises me in that way. Very well done.

Pick of the Week

Love and Good-byes (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3796)
Jae Onasi

TSL After the Traya Core: As Kavar dies, the two women that loved him most confront their feelings.

Another surprising viewpoint. Having Kavar survive the slaughter of the masters is well done, and the goodbyes were well done. Others have already critiqued redundant phrases, and the one paragraph that does appear to have been tacked on, but all in all an excellent read.

Pick of the Week

Final Message (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3790)
Sebastian DeLaOsa

TSL After the events of Dantooine: A last message sparks feelings of regret.

It’s my week for stories that surprise me. This one did because every time you see Vrook in the games, he’s, not to be too polite, an irritation. The nicest thing I could say about him was even as a good guy I was happy he died.

But not this time.

To see that irritating man as a gentle person was surprising, and to see that his apprentice felt the regrets when he died made me reconsider him.

Pick of the Week.

past, present and future (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3584)
Darth Jedi Master

TSL At the Traya Academy: Sion remembers and hates.

You forgot some words (‘That was all he could of now’ needs a verb to make it a complete sentence). Not a big problem. When I get into the flow I forget whole sentences. So it just needed editing.

The piece does flow well, and in my opinion is just the right length, not something I usually say about shorter pieces. Well done.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

It's Just a Little Thing (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187998)
Jae Onasi

No specific time given, though after KOTOR: Friendship means doing things for others…

The piece is up to Jae’s usual great standards, and even if it is short, it was worth reading.

Pick of the week.

Midday on Dantooine (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188469)
The Source

No specific era given: The joining of two warriors, even unto death.

The only problem I had with this Source was why it was one massive paragraph instead of the three I would have used instead.

The Piece 1 of a Map (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188528)
Tysyacha

KOTOR On Dantooine, The installment immediately following The Jedi, Reloaded: Our friend has not really learned any better…

The piece fits with everything written so far, so what can I say?

Pick of the week.

Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic 3, the True Sith War. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188647)
Darth Scorpius

There are problems with phrasing ‘he might want to fight it out in the Unknown Regions and get himself possibly killed’ is cumbersome, more readily understood if written ‘more likely he might want to fight it out in the Unknown Regions, even if it meant is death’ Some word usage problems sewing (connecting two things with thread) instead of sowing (scattering).

The piece is short, but what we do have is intriguing.

The Adventures of Revan, Gray Jedi Master. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188818)
Darth Scorpius

Spanning from KOTOR to Hoth: Sometimes you just have to go with the flow…

Having the POV change so drastically was a bit jarring, but I was able to follow it after a while. Problems with improper wording. A person manning a gun is called a gunner

The one thing I was hoping for was an explanation of how Revan survived for 4,000 odd years. Having him in the present as it were made an interesting view of the world. Still pretty good work.

A silhouette of the dark (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=182518)
Mr BFA

NSW Fiction: The problem is letting go…

An interesting piece. The problem was that it didn’t really flow. It was more like a surrealistic painting, and like such a painting it becomes more interesting the longer you look at it. Worth reading.

Pick of the week.

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

Forest Of Lies Part 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7955)
Lord Zeuss

KOTOR After Korriban on to Kashyyk: Revan slides further out of control.

The story comes out of nowhere with a unique way of looking at the dark side. The arguments given are more rational than most of the ‘I’m of the Dark Side’ view, where the bad guy just goes from Jekyll to Hyde in the same scene. The slippage is more discussion leading to thoughts that go to the dark in a logical manner.

Well done.

Light Side Female Revan

Nothing Lasts Forever (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7918)
QuantumSheep

PreKOTOR to the future: How do you derail a prophesy? Can you derail one?

The story was well done, but the constant jumping in time caused some confusion. I enjoyed it though.

I Remember (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3634)
The Disciple

TSL at the Traya Core: As she fades from life, The Exile remembers one last moment of pleasure.

This piece required a second reading. Not that it was bad, rather it was so well done I was moved by it. The sorrow was poignant and the end was just icing on the cake.

Pick of the Week.

The Crazies Only Come out at Night (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3643)
Trillian4210


TSL on Nar Shaddaa: Whose the baddest, Mical or Atton?

‘complete the task correctly and timely.' would have been better as ‘correctly and in a timely manner.' But that just might be me.

That said I enjoyed it. Irreverent, full of innuendo. Very funny. The discussions in the arcade merely make the same discussions in the store that much more amusing. The constant one-upsmanship between Mical and Atton is choice. Well worth reading.

Pick of the week.

One They'd Never Seen before (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3764)
Katara Ironarm

TSL Enroute to Telos after Peragus: An artifact from the past links the Exile to the original crew

The story is short enough that it leaves you wanting more. It is an interesting twist on the canon in that you glimpse briefly what happened when Revan and her crew were aboard.

Pick of the week.

INFLUENCE GAINED: MANDALORE (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/2669#comments)
)
Codename SailorV

TSL No specific period given: Mandalore gives some good advice.

Written in script form, the piece had Mandalore, not much for introspection, giving advice on love. It is interesting in it’s own right, and gives some depth to the bluff warrior the game created.

Thanks Mach! (Would I have believed it? ... Possibly not. But, there you have it!)

Thanks for the review, and I guess there's one upside to have a fic like this: the more people that read over it, perhaps more other people will read it also.

Thanks for, Pick of the Week.

to everyone wondering where my column is;

I have been using the varied routers around my home so I would not have to walk over to the local library to do my article. however none of them were working starting tuesday, so I had not even started my article when everyone either went down, or didn't pay thir bills.

That means I have failed you. sorry. But I will have one up next week. promise

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Lost Tales Of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188868)
Shato Khan

After TSL: Members of both crews are gathered to find Revan.

Some problems with word usage and spelling, Though there is no evidence, I would surmise the author is not a native English speaker. Some of the words used are almost as if trying to spell phonetically. Everything I would have said in a normal classroom situation have already been delivered by others, so I will not belabor them.

My major complaint is the brevity of the pieces. There is so much you can do yet with it. I await more.

Prizrachniy Chelovek (The Ghost) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188895)
Tyshyacha

After TSL: Seventh chapter of Vremya

Tys, you’re always doing this. Very good work, the brief interplay where the hero can’t find out what’s happening until she finishes her chore the perfect counterpoint.

Pick of the Week

Story Number One WHOOHOO (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187962)
Samuel Dravis

In the Aftermath of the death of the Empire: One loose end is taken care of.

The basics are good, but you depend too much on dialogue to carry the scene. And it is spelled virulence.

The rationalizations of both sides were well thought out. While brief and a bit unsatisfying, I liked it.

Cantina rat (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187670)
Salzella

Most of the comments from other readers had dealt with the problems in the piece. The term pre-Republic was a bit confusing. Saying was pre-contact (As in before the Republic contacted the planet) or indigenous would have been better. One scene has the hero being fired upon and deflecting fire, but the wording isn’t clear as to who is doing what. A minor fix.

The basics are good, the piece worth reading.

Just the Way You Are (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187946)
Inyri

Aboard Ebon Hawk During KOTOR: Mission likes Gizka?

The piece is well written, albeit short. I agree with Jae, some more reason would have bee nice, but no matter.

Popsicle Bliss (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187974)
Bee Hoon

PreKOTOR: A Padawan finds that some pleasures are still there.

It was well written BH, and seeing Revan and he Exile I assume as children was amusing. A light hearted romp, well worth looking at.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Chapter 1: No, You're Never Gonna Crack (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3703)
Darth Xio Jade

Over a year after TSL and the Exile‘s departure: As bickering continues in the newly reformed Academy, Revan finds herself rescued… sort of.

Remember conversation and paragraph breaks. Everything there is of this so far is good, but that one thing distracted me. Keep it up.

Destiny: Part I (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3802)
Aderyn

During TSL Just before Ebon Hawk heads to Malachor: Revan returns, but te war lingers…

Considering what I know about men coming back from combat, this story is poignant. Revan spends her time constantly on guard, afraid that she might be attacked, typical not of the average soldier, but the hard core veteran who spends months in combat. It takes time to get the sound of incoming out of your ears, something we have forgotten since Korea. The process we see begun here will take time. Very well done

Pick of the Week.

Healing Wounds (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3853)
Ilirium

Malachor V: As the Exile is headed for her last confrontation, Malachor seems to be helping her get rid of her doubts.

The story is well done, what there is of it. The last line was a bit confusing, and as others have said, it is open ended. Very good work.

Possibilities 1: Exile and Bao-Dur (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3264)
WinterOnasi

TSL In search of the last two Jedi Masters: A pair of people find comfort, and perhaps love.

The story snuck up on me even though I knew what it was about. Based on a collaboration, the words of WO and the art of Farlander compliment each other.

Pick of the Week.

Possibilities 2: Exile and the Disciple (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3265)
WinterOnasi

TSL after Dantooine: A long ago relationship may blossom in the present. Artwork by Frandart

The story is not as good as the one above, primarily because the situation seems more contrived. I for one loathed the Disciple (Though I did give him space in my own Fan fic), but it is nice to see someone give him a better look than normal.

The Trouble With Never (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3870#comments)
Aderyn

The flight from Malachor after the climactic battle in TSL: Te Exile admits her love, and explains hos she survived.

It’s a bit generic, but the scenes were well done, and the flashbacks assured we knew what the character was thinking.

Well done.

Thanks again for the Pick of the Week! :) I promise, no more Vremya until you catch up. :)

Thanks for the pick of the week!:) Lol prolific. Now that's a word I'd never imagined being applied to me :lol:

Coruscant Entertainment Center

Nasha Doroga ili Shosse (Our Way or the Highway) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189029)
Tysyacha

After TSL, Part 8 in the "Vremya" series, maybe it was heat prostration. Or maybe not…

The piece fits in with the of the story so far. The only negative is that wages are garnished, not garnered.

Pazaak, Juma juice, and a Lucky Gizka (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189059)
Arcesious

No specific era given: Sometimes luck is where you find it.

The game itself was a bit contrived, with the Gizka picking just the right cards. But having it get drunk was choice. Cute.

Archivarius (The Archivist) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189103)
Tysyacha

After TSL, Part 9 of the "Vremya" series: Another old favorite joins the crew.

This is flowing well. Jolee comes off just as irascible as before, and the addition of him to the crew will make it more interesting.

Smyert' Shpionam (Death to Spies) (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189123)
Tysyacha

After TSL, This is Part 10 of the "Vremya" series: Jolee reveals his mission, which adds more complications.

The additional data here helps push the story along. This is flowing pretty good, Tys.

Another bulk Pick of the week.

A Growing Darkness (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189110)
Mr. BFA

Dark Side end of KOTOR: With the Republic reeling, Revan begins recruiting starting with the sole survivor of the failed mission against the Star Forge.

The piece needs editing (Who has failed to have me say that?) but flows well.

The basic premise used in recruiting shies away from the stereotypical Dark side attitude in what to me is a logical manner. Not even the Nazis with notable exceptions were evil just because they could be.

Pick of the Week.

Death to a Planet (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189186)
by DarthRevan243

Pre KOTOR: The attack on Telos and it’s aftermath.

You know, kid, everything negative I might have said in first reaction had been said by others. It is too short, and there’s a lot that could have been done with it. Remember to let the story flow, because like a river it will find it’s own way most of the time. Allow it that flow, only reining it in when the flow becomes too discordant.

A good first attempt. Now make me proud.

Knights of the Old Republic III: The Force Entirety (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189237)
Burnseyy

No specific era given:A girl helps a man being attacked, which will lead to more adventures.

Some word usage problems, peek instead of peak among others. The primary problem is first we have almost no character development. What does our main character look like? Beyond her disgust with her brother’s hormonal rushes, what does he look like? Unlike the average SW story, we don’t have an existing template. Everyone knows what Luke or Han looks like, so aging them either way is simple.

A good first attempt.

kotorfanmedia
Dark Side Male Revan

Mass Consequences Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/8063)
DarthNemesis2

PreKOTOR, A Human ship from our future ends up in the middle of the battle of Dxun.

The only real complaint I have was addressed The basic idea has problems, which I addressed back in October of 2006 at Lucasforums in The Expert’s forum (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=164363&page=3&pp=40) post 117. However you have come up with a logical way for this to occur and explained one important point most of us have ignored which I address in the technical section below.

The basics are good, the story has some interesting twists, and is worth reading.

Technical: According to the EU, and this also extends to the Chronology, the capability to develop gravity sinks such as the Mass Shadow Generator didn’t exist until it was captured from an alien race faced by Admiral Thrawn right before the Clone War. But this story has a unique look that could explain how it could have existed then.


Light side Female Revan

A Walk of Redemption to Remember (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/8048)
Wick3dWitch27

One Month after the Star Forge Mission: On her wedding day Revan remembers the gift that Malak gave her as he died.

You forgot conversation breaks, and I see that you had the same problem with your autocorrect that I did (JedI). The problems as I see them are editing, nothing more.

The piece is a one shot, but it’s well worth reading. Keep it up.

Light side Female Exile


Rescue Me (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3854)
Amber Penglass

TSL Aboard Ravager during attack on Telos then in the Traya Academy: An Atton/Female Exile Snippet,

The basics are good, the story well written. Having a game of one-gunmanship in saving each other was a bit of fun on it’s own.

Pick of the Week.

Mere Anarchy, Prologue (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3964)
Greengrass1914

Sequel to The Widening Gyre which is a novella bridge between KOTOR and TSL and set one year after TSL: Revan allows herself to be captured to save Dustil’s life

I reviewed the Widening Gyre last year in February, and enjoyed it. This merely cemented that enjoyment.

Pick of the week.

The Awakening- Planet One- Peragus (Part One) (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4051)
Darth Jedi Master

TSL on Peragus: The Exile awakens and meets Kreia.

The piece was well written, but too short. I agree with the only other person to comment; more.

Anamnesis Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4059)
Arrow

TSL Before departure from Malachor V: Revan is reunited with her ship, now past and present will collide.

An interesting work, melding the past and present to make a mosaic to portray what is occurring. It flows well.

Pick of the week.

Huh... Cool... I didn't know someone here gave reveiws of the stories here... I vote 'keep it up'. Every bit of C & C helps...

Huh... Cool... I didn't know someone here gave reveiws of the stories here... I vote 'keep it up'. Every bit of C & C helps...

I've been doing it since 2005 and you just noticed?

Whimper!

For those who haven't read tysyacha's work reviewed this week, I had posted this on her thread, and am reposting it here:

Now, for a whatever prize, Which leader of the KGB actually started Smersh, and what was the name of the mother organization when he did?

Oh and watching all the Bond flicks would give you part of the answer. His full name if you please.

I'm thinking that it is Nikolay Aleksandrovitch Bulganin?

KGB is the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. It was an intellegance agency, aka the "Committee of State Security".

That's about all that I could give ya. :confused:

I'm thinking that it is Nikolay Aleksandrovitch Bulganin?

KGB is the Komitet Gosudarstvennoy Bezopasnosti. It was an intellegance agency, aka the "Committee of State Security".

That's about all that I could give ya. :confused:

Wrong. The KGB has gone through 5 name changes before the communists fell, and KGB is the last incarnation. Bulganin was never head of the intelligence services.

Tough question, but at least I tried. :giveup:

Tough question, but at least I tried. :giveup:

good try. It reminds me of an 'important question' exercise we did where I came up with Miyamoto Musashi, and literally gave the person every clue except the name.

good try. It reminds me of an 'important question' exercise we did where I came up with Miyamoto Musashi, and literally gave the person every clue except the name.

Tried a google search on this. Appears that the parent organization was the NKO (People's Commisariats of Defense) and NKF (Naval version apparently). Wasn't sure if Beriya or someone named Abakumov (its appointed head in '43) were responsible for SMERSH (Stalin, perhaps?). Mind you, this is from wiki, so can't attest for any accuracy here.

I too looked on the Wiki page (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/KGB#Origin_of_the_KGB), among another one, that I can't find.

Tried a google search on this. Appears that the parent organization was the NKO (People's Commisariats of Defense) and NKF (Naval version apparently). Wasn't sure if Beriya or someone named Abakumov (its appointed head in '43) were responsible for SMERSH (Stalin, perhaps?). Mind you, this is from wiki, so can't attest for any accuracy here.

NKO and NKF were the forerunners of the GRU, but Beria who created it worked for the KGB offshoot of that time and worked as an advisor to the military Intelligence of the time. What is Beria's first name? Got a quarter Whatever so far.

Lavrentiy Beria

Lavrentiy Beria
You got the other quarter Rev.

For those interested, when the Tsar fell, his intelligence agency was the Okhrana. This was replaced by the Cheka. After Dzherzhinski died, it became the OPGU. Stalin changed the name to the NKVD right before the Second World War and Beria who was a field agent (Working with a man who later became famous, Nikita Kruschev) created Smersh. Smersh created one technique called absorption, where they contacted rebel groups behind the line, and if they were anti-communist but still fighting the Germans, arranged to have them killed with weapons that pointed a finger at someone else. The same technique used in Yugoslavia painted the Chetniks as German sympathizers and murderers. This caused the Allies to openly support the Partisans, who assured every political opponent became and instant 'Chetnik'.
The MGB as it became in the late 50s kept Smersh running with Beria now the head man of the organization which caused a literal spy versus spy war in Germany. After his death it became the KGB.

Wow. Thanks for the question mach!

I'm so confused as to what this thread is about.

Huh... I never knew any of that. History never was one of the subjects I excelled in...

I'm so confused as to what this thread is about.
It's here to educate the proletariat, comrade. You failed. o_Q

I'm so confused as to what this thread is about. It's primarily for critical comments on the fan fics, LF. But occasionally I ask a question and give out Whatever prizes.

A whatever prize is named after my ex step-daughter's favorite line when lectured.

Danger May Befall (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=187947)
Darth Insidious

Between Phantom Menace and Attack of the Clones: The Dark Lord of the Sith
and Gilbert and Sullivan?

The piece is a bit convoluted, but the last line set me giggling. A cute little bit of fluff.

Pick of the Week.

True Sith (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189219)
JCarter426

About a year before K1: Revan worries about the course of the war.

Some word usage problems. lied should be lie. An interesting piece needing just a bit of editing.

The biggest problem I had was that Revan is characterized in the game as a genius at strategy, yet makes such an elemental blunder?

Doctor Who: Happenstance (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189162)
Alkonium

Dr. Who fic: The eleventh Doctor hijacks the ship of the 9th Doctor to rescue his companions.

The only negative I have that hasn’t been mentioned is that unless the reader is a fan, he doesn’t know one doctor from the other. Comments on wardrobe for example fall short when I don’t even know what the wardrobe should be. More description, please.

I have never been much of a fan of the series, but it’s good seeing you back.

Evil Within (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189136)
Diego Varen

After KOTOR: As the Galaxy tries to settle down after the Jedi Civil War, Bastila faces her trial before the Council.

The work is good, the basics well covered.

The way the trial is portrayed and explained comes across a little harsh though. Not a judgment made by fact, but by impressions of the judges. Adding the jury looks more like making it a show. After all, a group of students who have not had experience is not a jury of your peers by any stretch of the imagination.

One minor technical thing. There is no real ‘admiral in training level. You’re in training from the time you put on your butter-bar. What you do have before you reach captain is Staff and war colleges, then they pin on your first star.

But during war this is jumped more often than not. Sometimes you stuff the round peg in the round hole and hope for the best. If you read the Captains by WEB Griffith you have a captain shoved into a Lt Col’s spot, and he does it well. But after the main campaign is over, a bean counter wants to move him out of that slot into a secondary one because he hasn’t ‘punched all of his tickets’ on the way. Another example is Custer who went straight past Brigadier General to Major General due to just such an emergency.

All in all an interesting work. I’m waiting for more. Welcome back.

The Rise and Fall of Revan (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189258)
Marius Fett

PreKOTOR: Revan finds the Star Forge.

Forgotten words such as ‘pulled a (lever maybe?) on the control panel‘. Remember to spell check. You’re pushing the action causing the flow to break up. Take your time. All of these are editing problems, easily corrected.

The only real bobbles I had was having Karath with them and waiting until then to find the Star Forge. Revan left with a third of the fleet, and even a genius would want better odds than that when they start the ball rolling.

All in all, an adequate first attempt. Welcome to the board.

Halo: Extraction (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189271)
Construct

Set in Halo Universe: Yet another battle in that endless war.

You’re pushing the action. Slow the pace, be more descriptive.

The main problem is like others showing us yet another universe, you’re assuming we know it.

Light Side Female Revan

How She Left, Chapter One in The Truth About Lies (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/7996)
Car7hLuvr

About a year after KOTOR: As Revan leaves for the Unknown Region, she struggles not only with that, but leaving the man she loves.

The work flows well, the dialogue generic but excellent. The introspection was well done, like a conversation. Having used the same style, I enjoy seeing it in others when done correctly.

Pick of the Week

Light Side Female Exile

Tanglefoot (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4162)
Charamei

During TSL before Nar Shaddaa: Sparring goes a long way.

This interested me because Malak is still alive and back on the light side. The characters both old and new are treated well, and the dialogue and actions fit them. Well worth a look.

Dancing for Vogga (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4231)
Sass Morgan

TSL on Nar Shaddaa: A dance leads to the original dancer.

This piece surprised me. I’m not much on dance myself, since I can’t do it at all well. Yet I could visualize the dance and the thought behind it, I was a bit surprised that the Exile could read so much just from the force on the clothes because it isn’t mentioned often, but her reaction was perfect.

As for Atton, I did like the idea that he had a sensitive side.

Pick of the Week.

Pazaak in My Head (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4049)
Katara Ironarm

TSL on Onderon: An explanation of why Atton plays Pazaak in his head.

The piece is straightforward and explains without acrimony. Too short as far as I am concerned, but worth looking at.

Routine (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4093)
Jedi Serenity

Originally reviewed 20 July 2007. Original review below.

After TSL: Carth reminisces about his life with Revan.

Well done, worth every second reading it. Only eight people have given it thumbs up. Maybe they aren’t paying attention? Only bobble, I think you meant surrogate.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

Everything And Nothing: Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4099)
Angel of Iego

TSL, Battle of Khoonda: Snippets of hell.

The scenes are cumbersome though the thoughts and introspection is good. The primary thing I think this needed is knowledge of what a battle might look like. I’d suggest reading John Ringo’s work March Up Country, specifically the Battle of Voitan at the end, and We Few, where they are attacking the Palace. Each has something in common. Desperate straits, and clear definition of the battle.

Thanks for the review Mach. (I really should get back to trying to write some more of that story)
I wanted to make the DS Revan, different to what the other Sith Masters have been before him. Revan is cunning, and in my opinion, vindictive when it comes to the light and the dark side. He knows how to press the buttons of each side, his mind works in a completely different way than to that of another Sith.

I'm just trying to give another view on the Sith a try. Instead of the whole, "woo! I have power, so now I'm going to use it to control and destroy everything! Oh noes! I'm dead because I'm too stupid to have thought of plan to survive after I destroyed the Republic!"

Thanks again for the POTW by the way.

(I've now made it my sole priortiy to be the first to write something in which there will be no need for editing! :P)

Thanks for the review, mach. I'll work on the convolution for next time...

Thanks for the review Mach. (I really should get back to trying to write some more of that story)
I wanted to make the DS Revan, different to what the other Sith Masters have been before him. Revan is cunning, and in my opinion, vindictive when it comes to the light and the dark side. He knows how to press the buttons of each side, his mind works in a completely different way than to that of another Sith.

I'm just trying to give another view on the Sith a try. Instead of the whole, "woo! I have power, so now I'm going to use it to control and destroy everything! Oh noes! I'm dead because I'm too stupid to have thought of plan to survive after I destroyed the Republic!"

You succeeded in that. The biggest problem I have seen is except for two, Jacen Solo and Ventress, every dark lord comes across as a psychopath who just found out the dark was more fun. Both of the ones I have mentioned went to the dark side for perfectly valid reasons in their eyes, and I can understand them both. But to paraphrase Heinlien 'That just makes you regret having to kill them when it happens'.


(I've now made it my sole priortiy to be the first to write something in which there will be no need for editing! :P)
Dream on, kid. My first published work Gryphonrider (Published by Publishamerica, which I will admit is not a great recommendation) was edited by me for 18 years before I had the guts to send it in. I have seen professional works by big name authors that needed editing.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

He Was My Second Chance (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188712)
Tysyacha

During the battle of the Star Forge: One last chance at redemption.

Tys has graced our pages and my picks of the week more than anyone I can think of right now.

This story can show you why.

I agree that the change from dark to light was a bit abrupt, but Tys has matured into a competent wordsmith worthy of our attention.

Pick of the week.

The Blackest of Angels (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=188463)
ForceFightWMe12

PreKOTOR: Revan plans on discovering the Star Forge at the expense of her love.

Some editing problems, you tended to forget words, but since I have been known to do that too, so just remember to edit next time.

The piece flows well, the argument fitting well with the situation.

Pick of the Week

I need some constructive criticism please (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189388)
DarthJebus05

Non SW Fiction: The story begins

Boba Rhett with over five times my postings among others gave such excellent advice, I’m just going to say, remember to edit, let it flow, describe, describe, describe.

You have potential, you’re better than I was at your age. Allow your work to lead where it will.

An Easy Escape (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189640)
Astor Kaine

After Attack of the Clones, No specific era given; Sometimes running away is the best option.

The writing is not too shabby, the scenes well laid out. The problem I had was technical.

Technical note: While the original light amplifying devices had problems with bloom; the technical term for amplifying too much light, a modern set will reduce ambient light so that it is sometimes a problem with illumination rounds but little else. But Stormtrooper armor with 25,000 years of development would probably be proof against tactical nuclear weapons. A flash bright enough to overload them would probably blind anyone without protection.

Welcome to the forum kid. Write more.

Lost Soldier (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189816)
Divide&Conquer

Non SW Fic: Something called him back, but what?

You forgot a question mark in the several paragraph. Improper word use (Shacking instead of shaking) be sure to edit because tung (As in oil) will sometimes go by when trying to spell tongue, and no spell checker in the world will tell you and is incorrect when you mean an.

On the whole the story is generic, but just needing polishing to bring out the subtle flavors. Keep it up.

Dream or Reality? (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189375)
Rabish Bini

Post KOTOR: Is it a dream?

Except for the following, everything I’d normally say has been. Just remember, reread, edit, rewrite. Repeat until polished smooth.

kotorfanmedia Female Light Exile

Extended Ending (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4103)
Teramars

TSL before leaving Malachor V: Tough choice hurt. But they have to be made.

Some editing problems but nothing major.

The work is excellent. The biggest problem for the Jedi is that never ending choice, emotion or love. Well worth the read.

Pick of the Week.

Beauty, Bao, and the Beastly Droid (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4123)
Emerald Exile

During TSL after Dxun: The Exile and Bao Dur plan robotcide…

An interesting bit of fluff. Too short to get a good grasp, but fun anyway. The one thing I loathe is sanctimonious characters, and killing them off makes it all worthwhile.


Fearless (The Prologue) (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4135)
Esta

In orbit of Malachor V at the end of TSL: There is nothing to fear but fear itself.

The piece is short, but intriguing. It looks like it’s worth reading further.

Talk to Me (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4189)
Evil Shall Giggle

TSL before Dantooine: How do you talk about what bothers you?

Based on a picture, the piece is short, but has some interesting points.

Alternate Parallels; Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4157)
Valar

Alternate Universe TSL: Sometimes when you need a life someone will offer one…

Usually I get all irritated about using Earth because it violates canon. However this was a fun bit of fluff. The ending line caused me to chuckle.

Pick of the Week

Trials (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4251)
CyberCat

During flight from the Death Star: Two new arrivals spice up the mix.

There were editing and spelling problems. Nothing that couldn’t be corrected.

The primary hang up I had was there was no explanation as to how or why.

mach, I am honored and blush at your words at the same time! :) Thank you!!!!!!

mach, I am honored and blush at your words at the same time! :) Thank you!!!!!! Praise is best given for fact, not fancy. I wonder sometimes how much good I'm doing around here, what with Arcecious not even knowing I was working. But I see so many who are improving regardless.

thanks for the feedback, mach!

Coruscant Entertainment Center

My chains are broken (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189782)
SithLord1

10 years after TSL: A test of character may lead to danger.

Remember to have spaces between sentences and after punctuation. Some words used incorrectly (Attuned instead of intuned) punctuation and words left out (He could feel something in him anger and hate.’ then You must find resting place then come back to me).

I think that it is unfamiliarity with the English language. No biggie.

Welcome to the boards.


Forever (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189868)
Mr. BFA

Non SW Fiction: An in depth look at reality.

The piece is well done, the subject interesting primarily because the author is trying to make you think and discern the puzzle. Like a jigsaw it falls into place. Well done.

Star Troopers: Episode I - A New Dope (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189621)
Darth Bender

During first portion of ANH: Some people can’t win for losing

Some rough spots, but nothing that editing and polishing one’s cure.

The designation TK421 was a throw away line in the movie, but DB took it and ran with it. Inserting the character and his partner into every scene from Mos Eisley to the escape from the Death Star was seamless and logical. I almost expected them to be the ones knocking on the door where the droids had hidden. Very well done.

Pick of the Week.

Read my Signature (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=181766)
Darth Scorpius

Six years after ANH: A story of the Mandalorian wars being told to Luke Skywalker

Remember punctuation. Also, Mandalorians appear to be human, so why the distinction? Try to cut back on the author’s notes in the story, it distracts the reader from the flow.

Interesting so far.

Technical note: read the Expert’s Forum post 45 regarding melee combat. Even if you use a sword, the style is not called melee fighting unless you include everything from fists to spears. So being a ‘deadly melee’ fighter is a contradiction. The modern term ‘close combat’ is better because it includes by definition all of those mentioned.

Knights of the Old Republic - The Untold Tales (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=180026)
The Doctor

Shatter Love Shattered Faith and Misplaced Trust had already been reviewed (Sept 22 2006) Historical Revelation and Ease of Darkness on (29 Sept 2006) Rule number one on (Oct 20 2006) Mission across Space (10 Aug 2007) leaving only Ponderings for consideration.

KOTOR after Kashyyk: Will pushing an amorous man away cause more harm than good?

Doc, you put all of these out long before I started, and all had their own good points. So:

Pick of the week, with five Reprise picks.

kotorfanmedia

Light side female Revan

Grounded (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/8140)
SkyePrism

Post KOTOR On Nar Shaddaa: The Mercenary baby-sitter?

There are times when I want cute-sey and fun.

Must be one of those times.

This was cute irreverent and irresistibly funny. I read it from end to end and wished I could laugh out loud. Worth every second!

Pick of the week.


Colors of a Knight (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/8153)
Shadow Rise

KOTOR enroute to the unknown world: Introspection

If you use either twin or two, using both is redundant.

That said, the story being short left me wanting more. The introspection was brief, but like an almond cookie, left me wanting more.

Pick of the week.


Light side Revan

A Gaze Into the Future (One Shot) (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4252)
DarthJose480

Six years since Malachor V: Revan gets a glimpse of the dark future.

Some word usage problems. Their instead of there, dual (two) instead of Duel (Fight).

The basics are good, the tie in to the history we know from the movies well

Conversations (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4260)
Sass Morgan

TSL no specific part given: The author said it all, sometimes, you don’t need a person to talk to.

The piece is interesting because it’s two different people confiding in the same ‘person’ about the same thing.

I liked it because both of them really need a safety valve in this situation. Very well done.

Pick of the week.

Its My War (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4275)
CyberCat

TSL, Set ten years after Malachor: Memories.

One thing, remember the characters name when you’re writing. No biggie. I’ve changed a character’s name three times in the same page and didn’t notice it until I (As those who know me will repeat with me) edit, edit, edit! Second, attacks are not blueprinted, they are sequenced.

All in all, a good read. It needs more back story and depth, but it’s fun to read.

Unchained Melody (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/385)
KSCrusaders

After TSL and return of Revan: Love across both games, bridging both life and death.

What was interesting here was how the author rationalized both of the main character’s love, and their actions toward their love. There is enough back story to explain what happened in KOTOR, and the ending is both sad and poignant.

Pick of the week.

Tragic Love (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4324)
Crystal001

Ten Years after TSL: After Revan’s funeral, Bastila tries to move on.

There are comments from others concerning problems they perceived and they were well argued.

But it’s still good.

Thank you for the review Mach. I wasn't really sure about this one, just because I didn't think it had a really good flowing feeling to it. It's unusual, in my opinion, but even when I try to go back and edit it, there's not really much I can see. [I'm probably just not looking hard enough though..]

Thank you for the review Mach. I wasn't really sure about this one, just because I didn't think it had a really good flowing feeling to it. It's unusual, in my opinion, but even when I try to go back and edit it, there's not really much I can see. [I'm probably just not looking hard enough though..]

It happens. I had JM12 telling me one section needed editing and I read it seven or eight times before I found it.

Yeah, it can get annoying. I read through it about three times, then get agitated, and that in turn increases the frustration levels, and I end up sighing and closing it down. Then I down a couple of Red Bull and try again xD

Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread. :D

Wow, thanks Mach! I'm rather proud of the Untold Tales thread. :D

As I said when I started giving Reprise Picks, I started doing Picks of the week, but there were so many that deserved them that had been reviewed before. So when someone slips one through (Yes, kiddies, I am not omniscient) I give them as deserved.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The (Droid) Mouse and His Child (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189865)
Tysyacha

KOTOR Between Dantooine and Kashyyk: The smallest thing can make the difference.

The story flows smoothly, the basic premise interesting. Making the droids key wind linked it to the original in an amusing way. A bit short, but what else can I say?

Legends (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189900)
Lord Foley

Eight years after the Star Forge: Nature abhors a vacuum…

The piece explores the inner workings of the Republic a little deeper than normal, and this interested me. I wish I had the time to follow it all the way to the end.

Pick of the Week.

Gods and Mortals (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189950)
Divide&Conquer

Some minor misspelling. Rashions should have been spelled rations regardless of the pronunciation. Imp[roper word usage (through the air, not threw). Remember conversation breaks. Some terminology mixed. An out cast is ‘cast out’.

The basics are good if generic. Keep writing, I want to see more.

Oslozhneniya (Complications)--Starring Rev7! (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190074)
Tysyacha

Continuation of Vremya series: The mismatched band of adventurers travel to Lehon in search of Revan.

An interesting story up to date. The only problem I have is that would I be asking you for words in Russian if I knew Russian Grammar? (My answer would be that you have used the Welsh grammar everyone hears when they hear Yoda talking. IE it probably reads ‘standing between the third and second house I am‘.)


The Mandalorian Legacy (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189999)
HK42

Post TSL: The Mandalorians again prepare for war.

Editing problems, but they appear to be caused by using and trusting a spell checker. The wrong word but properly spelled, that kind of thing. Remember to reread when you edit.
The writer John Sanford in his latest paperback Invisible Prey commented on it because three different reporters tried to use the word imminent and had three different words, only one meaning ‘soon to happen’.

While interesting, I was curious why the Mandalorians thought they could win this time. Perhaps they are correct, but I don’t think so.

The Chronicles Of Darth Revan Part 1 The Past Of Revan. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190157)
Revan 411

Problems with editing and word usage. Remember conversation breaks.

The story rambles, and events happen too quickly. There is little or no description. You are using numbers larger than would be logical. Having billions both of Lehon and Tatooine makes the desert world far too crowded, and the Sith military too large. Remember that the entire US Military at the end of WWII was less than 7 million men all combined. If they stood in wide order (Such as during an inspection) they would have needed the entire state of Rhode Island to have them all in one formation.

Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two.

kotorfanmedia

Only Fools Fall In Love (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4368)
Charamei

TSL At Malachor V with flashbacks: Lost love and pain, something the character knows well.

The story is an interesting view of two of the ‘bad’ guys making them more human. The underlying love story is also poignant.

Pick of the Week.

The Light is Only the Beginning: Chapter 1: The Past Becomes Present (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4390)
Ravenrand16

15 years after TSL: Atton and Mira discover information about Revan.

The story flowed well, the situation generic but still good. The only complaint I have depends on who Raven is; Not enough time has passed for what I think.

Pick of the Week.

Training (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4520)
WinterOnasi

TSL Enroute to Onderon: Taking some time out for training, and a bit of gentle tweaking.

Having Bao Dur and the Exile as a love interest happens rarely, but is refreshing when it happens. The subtle going behind each other’s back in regard to the droids was well done and cute. Well worth the read, but Winter always is.

Pick of the Week.

Some Demons Never Rest (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4556)
Darby Ogill

TSL Enroute to Telos for the second time: An evening of terror for the crew of the Ebon Hawk.

A very well done series of nightmares that focused on the worse parts of their own lives. Each vignette is well done, the basis of each dream well thought out. All about the one demon we can never escape.


Pick of the Week.

The Shadow Jedi : Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4457)
PirateRose

TSL on Dxun: Will Atton return to his past?

Some word usage problems such as formable instead of formidable. Sense instead of sensed. This is an editing problem, just remember to reread your work. You also keep calling Kreia Keira.

As another said the writing and basic theme is generic, but there is some excellent ideas here. Keep it up.

Snow (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4151)
Knight Savtrian

Long before KOTOR: A young Jedi Apprentice feels alone, and gets help from one of the masters.

The piece is a good ‘slice of life’ vignette. We always see the finished products, the Jedi Padawan Knight or Master. We rarely get the chance to see the youngling who has yet to become that future.

Pick of the week.

Crap i didn't know that looks like i need to fix that up.

Technical: Remember that a squad is only around a dozen men in most armies. The numbers you describe should be called a platoon. Check out the Resource Center, specifically the Expert forum post two.

Inspired by this, i've put together a collection of links relating to the various military bodies in the Star Wars universe, with the hopes that it will be useful to people featuring the various organisations there in depth:

Star Wars Military Organisations (http://lucasforums.com/showthread.php?p=2496205#post2496205)

Hope it helps!

Revan411, my primary goal as the local critic is to make the writing better not only by example, but constructive criticism. I hate the 'rah rah' sort of comments, and both Darth333 (Who hired me as it were) told me to 'fix without damaging the ego. I posted those articles primarily because you can't write well about something you don't understand.

Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know.

Aster, thanks for the listing. I used modern equivalents because it is what I know.

No problem, mach. :)

For anyone interested, the day this is supposed to be posted is my birthday. I will be 55 when I wake up tomorrow, and I am going to try to have some fun.

Coruscant Entertainment Center

The Transdimensional War (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189296)
Arcesious

Sequel to The Great Dark War: A massive invasion rocks the dimension.

The basics are good if a bit hurried in the work. Remember to edit and reread.

Technical: The ship you had in the first work was huge but the enemy ships are beyond any suspension of disbelief. A Parsec is 3.26 light years (About forty trillion kilometers, yet you have ships listed as being mega parsecs in length, (a million parsecs). The command ship you so lovingly describe is a needle in comparison.

The smallest problem with these ships I see is that except for the galactic rim, even the smallest ship wouldn’t even be able to turn, let alone maneuver.

UNTITLED WORK IN PROGRESS (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=189775)
Tysyacha

Non SW Fiction: A girl tells her journal everything…

The piece flows well, the society lovingly detailed. The main character fits well within it.

I agree with Arcesious that a little action wouldn’t hurt, but there is something to be said for a nice quiet stroll.

Pick of the week.

Letter to a .... Friend? (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190286)
Mr. BFA

After KOTOR on Korriban: A final letter.

The piece is short, so short in fact that I felt it wasn’t proper to judge it by itself, so…
What NOT to say or think. (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190288)
And…
Here we go... (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190315)

At first it was a bit confusing, but once I read the second part then third part I found myself giggling. The ‘unexpected’ comment reminded me of Lionell Fenn who had a character comment on the name ‘Bambi’ to a female character who spends the rest of the book demanding the reason her father gave her a boy’s name.

Pick of the Week

Tython Ties 2: Deathpact (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190438)
Ztalker

On Nar Shaddaa No specific era though it looks like TSL: A fugitive flees the Sith

The piece is short, but the character is well defined in an almost chiaroscuro manner. Very well done so far.

The Noobaholics (http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=190442)
Arcesious

Non-SW Set in Halo online game: A team gets together

The piece is cute, fluffy, the characters ridiculous. I liked it a lot.

Pick of the Week

kotorfanmedia

Dark Side Male Revan

Revan's Thoughts (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/8156)
Jedi Revan87

PreKOTOR Right before the capture of Revan: The Dark Lord ponders on an old flame.

There are problems but the other people who have commented before me have already told you what I would have said. Always remember to reread and edit your work. The work needs editing a polishing more than anything else.

Good work.


Light Side Female Exile

"Forgive Me" (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/3792)
Katara Ironarm

TSL After Victory on Malachor V: What price victory?

The piece is short, poignant, and cuts right to the quick. Well worth reading.

Pick of the Week.

A Box of Lies (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4789)
Kiraboros

Over at KFM, Our little JM12 is known as Kiraboros. She posted the same story here and like any that didn’t get the nod, she comes up here. My previous review from Lucasforums is below:

TSL: The exile is upset with Atton being himself.

The piece was a bit confusing with it’s flashbacks, but it flowed well, and kept you reading so it works well.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

Impure Pazaak (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4673)
Jedi Chick

TSL No specific planet given, but after Nar Shaddaa: A friendly card game becomes a comedy of errors.

The piece is light and fun. Some of the scenes were funny for other reasons. Atton’s underwear for example. The ending scene was perfect.

Pick of the Week

Surprises- New Allies, Chapter 1 (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4618)
Jedi Rowan

Back in August of 2007 I read this and forgot to post to the thread. So…

Set after TSL: The Characters of the KOTOR series meet the characters of Firefly and Serenity.

Some word usage that needs work. I think you meant plague instead of play for example. Or Titian rather than Titan red hair. You also left out some words. In the sentence right before the one mentioned above you left out the word other as in four other people.

The two series seem to be able to flow together well enough, and the way you have done so is interesting. Good work.

Reprise Pick of the Week.

The Exile and the Fool (http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4739)
Karapeters

TSL After climactic battle on Malachor V: The Exile finally decides.

The piece was a bit odd at the start, with no specific link as to what was occurring. When Bao Dur arrived however, it clicked into place. The ending scene was excellent, the last line perfect.

Pick of the Week