Coruscant Entertainment Center
To Hide Behind a Veil (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=198611)
Insignia Enithma
Set somewhere in TSL: A dream links past and future
The piece is relatively well written, especially for a first posting. Without thought, there is no obvious connection between the past and future scenes. I read it all the way through before working out that the one named character was the child.
The society seems incredibly harsh. I can understand the logic of tests of adulthood, but making three, two of which are usually fatal, would keep the clan from being very big. In fact since most do not survive the second test, it would make them unable to maintain the society for more than a few generations. This would make sense only if the ones who must take these tests have other options; I.E., not taking it at all, but have much lower social standing.
Welcome to the forum, give us more.
Vode An (
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=198636)
Mandalore The Shadow
KOTOR on Dantooine: The Mandalorians have a plan…
Watch out for cumbersome sentence structure. ‘They had trained close to each other since they were eight years old their fathers had been friends.’ would have been more understandable if it had been written; ‘Their fathers had been friends and they had trained closely together since they were eight’.
The piece is dry, with all of the action except the last at one remove. One element necessary for good fiction is conflict, and while you have that at the end, the battle itself made no sense. Without the Force there is no way the team you have would have been able to gain any of the remaining star maps for one, and having a strike team of Mandalorians penetrate the Temple’s security (You did not specify another port, and that is the only place we see the Ebon Hawk on the ground) is like suggesting a team of white mice are going to raid a cat show to bell one specific cat.
It needs work, and if you’d like, send me a pm with your e-mail and I’ll be glad to go through this line by line.
Welcome to the forum.
kotorfanmedia
The Jedi-est of all? (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4607)
BastilasApprentice
Within the force somewhere: Several Jedi spirits get together to decide who was the baddest of them all.
The author had fun with this, I can see. I laughed at the ending segment more than anything else, because each of the others, when confronted with what Revan had done compared with them they thought, ‘hey, he did all that but he didn’t have a babe’ until Bastila arrived.
Very amusing.
KOTOR Version 2-Chapter 1-Awakening (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4865)
Hitokiri Akins
PreKOTOR rewritten: What if Revan had remembered who he was before they sent him out?
The piece flows well, the logic of the method used feels good. As a previous reviewer commented, sending out a Jedi incognito makes more sense than expecting a partially amnesiac soldier to excel in the situation.
One of those I wish I could read all the way through.
Pick of the Week
KOTOR Ch.1: Is this the way to Corvis Minor? (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4879)
Dobraye Utra
Beginning scenes of KOTOR: The pair of survivors begin to gather their team as they wander the sewers
The piece was interesting in that the author gave several points of view, Syd, Carth, Bastila, and added scenes you would have expected. Having Syd (Reavn) come back with the uniforms blind drunk was choice.
Star wars T.L.O.T.J 1 KotOR 1 Chapter 1 (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4894)
Revan Starwalker
Beginning of KOTOR: The fight on the Endar Spire
I see others have raked you over the coals for grammar so I won’t go there. What I will address is below:
Technical. When you assigned your Revan a rank, you also had to modify the way people spoke to him. We only had two interactions, but the one I am talking about is Ensign Ulgo speaking to Commander Starwalker.
Your Ulgo would be guilty of chares under military law because an Ensign is the most junior Commissioned Officer rank you can have, in Military Parlance, an O1. Starwalker on the other hand, using Army rankings would be a Major, an O4. His manner to a superior is insolent and insulting. Telling a superior officer what to do is a military no-no and if he had survived, the least he could be charged with is disrespecting a superior.
In the game no rank is given, and it is assumed he is enlisted, or civilian; the tone of the game fits that more readily.
There are ways to do everything you had Ulgo do, but the tone would have needed to be different and less disrespectful.
They Come (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5003)
SithBurnBaby
KOTOR on Rakata Prime: When Gizka reach critical mass…
Comments on style have already been addressed, so I will not repeat them.
The biggest problem I had with the piece is; where did all of the extra people come from? You place it before the pair met on the summit of the temple, but that is long before the fleet arrived. So having patrols of both Sith and Republic troops made no sense.
Heartbroken (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4942)
Darth Osiris
KOTOR on the Star Forge: Linking the two games together
The fight scene was well done, and the abrupt death of Basila disturbing. The fact that Jaq will be Atton in the second game was a unique way to link them.
Why KOTOR's so easy, Background + Chapter 1 -- Taris (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/4847)
MainStreet
KOTOR+ Star Trek Crossover: Well there had to be some reason the game is so easy at this point…
The idea of tossing in the Defiant violates the rules of ‘A long time ago in a Galaxy far, far away’, but it would be an explanation as to why the Vulkars inside the base are as dumb as posts. Combining the two was nicely done, but having the Defiant crew get involved doesn’t explain why the ship is there, or how they know who to support.
Back to the Past, Chapter 1 (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5005)
Leiko
PreKOTOR: The Padawan and Apprentice have to learn to work together.
The work needs polishing and editing, especially in remembering conversation breaks. Also check for word usage since a spell check will not spot this. ‘being staring’ instead of been staring is the prime example.
The logic that a Guardian is automatically assigned to every Consular and Sentinel bothered me a bit. They are the warriors of the order, but if a Sentinel or Consular were that easy to kill, there wouldn’t be many of them in the order at all. Also there would be times when you would not have a spare Guardian laying around to plug and play.
Revan’s suggestion that she would be better with a saber staff suggests that he noticed something wrong with her stance that Vrook had not, something sword masters and especially their star pupils would notice. Good scene. I was wondering though who told her not to use the force when fighting?
The thing I liked best, and the pair seemed to ignore when they got their instructions, was that such a pairing makes perfect sense. They have to learn to work together, and forcing them into such a pairing will force them to learn. Revan had to curb his puckish attitude, Bastila had to learn to loosen up.
Interesting, and as one has already said, more.
Pick of the week
Path of the Exile: Prelude Series (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5169) )
A.R. Minion
PreKOTOR: The Exile is assigned to work with a young historian…
Remember to edit, and especially look for improper word usage, startle instead of start for example.
The basics set the scene well, where Atris came from, the Exile’s past and the reason he was noticed by the Jedi, and how he made them uncomfortable. I was wondering which trait bothered them the most; that he had used the Force to be a superb pickpocket? Of his force bond capability.
Throwing these two together, and bringing in characters we would know well later was a nice touch.
Pick of the Week
Trial Of The Spirit - Chapter 1 of 4 (
http://hawk.kotorfanmedia.com/node/5256)
Bobgens001
PostKOTOR: Revan and Bastila struggle to fit back into a much smaller order
Your explanation of why the council became so isolationist was well considered and voiced. I have always wondered how a group of something less than 5,000 people throughout their history could have swayed much of galactic opinion.
Zhar’s explanation of why Revan did not need to go through the trials again was also good. As he said, what test could they have found that would exceed what had to be done to win in KOTOR?
By the same token, Bastila’s argument as to why she must face the trials was well done. Even if the rest of the order had accepted it, she still had to prove it to herself. Her comment about the others being sure ’they’ would have resisted was the perfect counterpoint in the same argument.
Pick of the Week