Ergh. What's the situation they're in?
I don't know Milla's been kidnapped and Sasha didn't do it. No one knows she's gone yet. Just give me anything.
Well, alright. Is she gone in the very beginning? Or is the beginning explaining how she left/was kidnapped?
How are you going to explain her being kidnapped if she's psychic? I'm helping, really. I'm TRYING.
Okay um she was kidnapped by a person who was psycic that was not Sasha but was like him. Then somehow the people find out she was kidnapped and they go to rescue her then stuff happens. But right now in ch1 She's already been kidnapped.
Is it started with a 'Milla walked through the door, to find a man waiting for her?' Or a 'Milla was nowhere to be found...'
It starts with Sasha waking up and then going to headquarters doing stuff and then realizing Milla ios gone. He asks oleander about it. And Oleander says she's probalby shoping with her cousin. So Sasha's fine for a while until her cousin calls looking for Milla. He finds out Milla never came home last night....
Then he's looking for Milla... that's it so far.
I have no idea what to start that with. I'd start with a few paragraphs of thinking and scene transitioning and stuff.
.... I just need a quote any random thing that pops into your head. Anything.....
I am here to bring swift doom upon those who write Psychonauts fanfiction.
First off. Like the idea, pretty original. Originality is lacking in people today, and we need it!
Milla walked out of her car. She looked around at the campground. She wondered why Sasha had asked to meet her here. He said it was really important. He walked to the empty campsite and sat down. She looked and saw no sight of Sasha. He had been acting strange lately. It was weird. They had just started dating. But surely that wasn’t the cause of the call. Sasha walked up and sat down next to her.
It sounds a little choppy when such short sentences are used. Try to combine sentences or use different ways of constructing a sentence. Such as using adjectives in the beggining:
Silently, she she made her way to the courtyard.
Bad sentence, shut up.
Or try using DCI's. Dependent clause, comma, independent clause. Most DCI's start with such words as:
After, although, as, because, if, since, that, though, unless, until, when, whenever, while.
An example of that would be.
"Unless you do your chores, then I will not let you go to the party."
You don't just have to do DCI's you can have Independent and Dependent NO COMMA. Independent or Dependent COMMA Independent.
Most of the stuff I'm writing down is just for general use when writing, I don't want you to think I'm forcing this squarely on you. Though it really does seem like I am.
They had just started dating
It would be better if you explained how they started dating in the story.
Besides that, great start! Post up the other sections of the story when you feel like it.
But be carefull...I'm always lurking around the next corner.
Anything?
Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink!
Right, sorry. Not helping.
Anything?
Water water everywhere but not a drop to drink!
Right, sorry. Not helping.
Dude..why? Why post when I used up all of my English language thinking skills.
Dude..why? Why post when I used up all of my English language thinking skills.
WTF you talking bout? Shinzuku wanted a quote/anything that popped into my head.
OMG i hate u.
Is this before or after the game takes place? If it's after, I would be really, really tempted to have at least one "I didn't do it!" from Morry once people find out she's been kidnapped. Just to inject some random hilarity into it. Otherwise, I don't know.
And yeah, Sasha can be really tricky to write--it's hard to find the right balance between reserved and not, what he'd be willing to say and what he wouldn't...particularly in really emotional situations when everyone else around him is reacting to varying extremes (like, everyone finds out Milla is kidnapped), it's almost insanely hard to decide how he'll react. I mean, you don't want him reaching for the kleenex or going into fits of rage, but at the same time, if he doesn't show any reaction, he just comes off as cold-hearted to the point of being sociopathic. Yeah, he's not easy to work with, sometimes. Although for some reason I always thought Milla was the harder to write of the two...go figure.
I find Milla harder to write. She's an extrovert yet she doesn't like to show things that are hard for her to think about.
I edit because I change my mind.
Okay It happened afterwards. They're just together. okay
I get the feeling we're stressing you.
If you need help, you can ask. Or not, in which case everyone will read your fic anyway because it's going to be cute.
Okay It happened afterwards. They're just together. okay
I'm sorry. I know how hard it can be for people to edit others writing. I really do know. It makes me sad because here I am spending my time, energy, and love on a project only to have it ripped apart.
OMG! I have 1,007 posts and I didn't even notice.
Holy ****...I am now a big time on the boards.
Yay good for you... I'm fine.Okay I'm almost done with ch1.
Wow. Klia is one of the big dawgs, now. You were just an exception before, but now you are truly cool.
Project? You're working on a big project--that will be what? I want to hear about this. Is it something we've seen? Something related to Psychonauts? Or school?
Argh. Shinzuku, I can't wait to read it and steal some ideas.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shinzuku/2529.html)
Ch2. Milla's lost. No one's seen her. Sasha's left. And nothings making sense anymore.
Quarentee: If this fic is any better then it sounds, you get your money back.
Wow, you used my quote. I feel... fuzzy inside.
Hang on, I'm going to C&C. If you want it, I mean.
And would it be okay if I asked why Milla is living with Amari?
Alright.
I'm putting it in spolier tags in case someone who hasn't read it is here.
The little parenthesis comments made me snort, but they may not be entirely appropriate. Instead of explaining why he doesn't have a car, because we aren't quite sure if he has one or not, you could find a reason to have him walk.
And as much as I love you having my quote in there, someone is going to mistake that for a 'dramatic build up/hint' kind of thing.
There are some missing commas in places, but they aren't that noticeable unless you look for them. Longer sentences would be nice, as would paragraphs, but you don't need to change the length.
That's really all I have to say about it, though someone else might have a word or two. I loved it, and it entertained me. I'm actually wondering about Milla. XD
C&c?
Er. Comment and constructive criticism.
Mabye it is a hint. Mwaahahaaha. Working on ch 2. Trying to deside whether or not to tell you what happened to Milla.
Mabye it is a hint. Mwaahahaaha. Working on ch 2. Trying to deside whether or not to tell you what happened to Milla.
Ah! Don't tell me! That'll ruin the whole thing!
And it might be a hint? Really?
Losing inspiration. I've got nothing. *Cries* Where the hell is my muse.
Have you tried messing around in a journal? Sometimes you have to sit and think a while before typing something out.
I shall try. I'm probably only gonna make this story like 5 chapters like the other one. Next chapter Sasha will find out where Milla is.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shinzuku/2613.html)
Here's where Sasha fine's out where Milla is. It's really short. I'm short on inspiration.
Dun Dun Dun! I'm reading it.
Hmm...well, I like it. But I feel like it needs more description--we get the events (which are awesome), but we don't get a clear picture of the scene they're happening in, if that makes any sense. What do places and especially characters look like? We've got all these new people, like the random Psychonauts and Milla's cousin Amari in Ch. 1, but I feel like we don't know who they really are or what they're like. I mean, we don't need their life stories, but a little embellishment wouldn't hurt in some cases.
I do like it, though. I'm just nitpicking. It's a habit.
Oh... so Amari is Milla's cousin!
It was hard to tell. Amari, the name, sounds Asian, almost. XD
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shinzuku/2613.html)
Here's where Sasha fine's out where Milla is. It's really short. I'm short on inspiration.
not bad... though I have to say, no matter how hard i try I cannot imagine Sasha saying " What the Hell"
Hehe..manlady.
Oh and the Becky/Jasper is not my fic. It is from my deranged friend who I shall call deranged friend.
Don't tell her I said this but...
she's deranged.
A lot of my friends are deranged.
http://www.livejournal.com/users/shinzuku/2529.html)
Ch2. Milla's lost. No one's seen her. Sasha's left. And nothings making sense anymore.
Quarentee: If this fic is any better then it sounds, you get your money back.
I enjoyed this. It's funny ^^ And if I had PK I'd probably be tempted to light the birds on fire too.
Is there anyway we can request this to go into the Art board or some other name like that.
not bad... though I have to say, no matter how hard i try I cannot imagine Sasha saying " What the Hell"
How about now
http://www.deviantart.com/deviation/21077554/)
Not my picture
Well, that doesn't count as swearing. It counts as 'inter-acronyms'.
But I love that picture. X3
And it's better because someone asked if Sasha was a boy.
^^^That was a total waste of post.
And dangit, Klia. Your avatar makes me want to hug Captain.
Woot! Sasha went for Milla.
aww, that's sweet and awesome that Milla cussed.
Hm. I can't see Milla swearing.
But Red is an ass.
Alright to keep is from Awwing the whole entire time I will share with you notes from my notebook and maybe later I'll type up the writing excerise I did, yeah it was a Psychonauts excirse but it was just a retelling of an event that happened so pretty plain stuff there.
Ideas are ideas for fanfiction. Strikes mean NO I will not do them. Everything else is open for my brain. I really like Oleander meeting Loboto. That's why I asked in the other thread...Oleander, a poisonous flower.
Ideas
Lungfishopolis
New Year at Whispering Rock
Oleander meets Loboto?
Loboto Lives!
Oleander's Magic Act
Mikhail and Maloof Do stuff!
So what are your ideas. Anything that you wrote down..don't be ashamed.
I know why Oleander and Loboto teamed up.
They have the same voice actor.
Makes perfect sense, the world goes round!