Hi, Fellas. CSI series is back. This time it's not CSI: Nar Shaddaa, it's a new CSI Team: CSI: Coruscant.
This is NOT an epic or adventure fiction. This is indeed a DETECTIVE fiction. If you feel don't like it, please don't read along.
Special Thanks to JediMaster12 for her beta-reading for me. Also Jae Onasi for pointing out my inappropriate contents in my fic. And Pottsie, Dark_Lady, for their support.
Of course, everyone in the forum deserves a sincere appreciation, too.
Disclaimer: Includes, but not limited to, Star Wars, and its logo belongs to Lucas Arts Ltd. CSI and its logo belong to CBS Studios, Jerry Bruckheimer, and Atlantic Alliance. This fiction is not intended to be commercial use, just for fun.
This story is originated from CSI, Episode 100, "Pilot".
CSI: Coruscant
During the peacetime of Galactic Republic, many planets showed peacefulness. But of course, during the darkness, many illegal events was occurring…
Due to the more and more criminal activities occurred recently, the Galactic Republic Senate agrees to set up a special Crime Investigation group, Crime Scene Investigation, short for CSI. Master Vandar appointed Nihilus, who originally from Crime Lab in Nar Shaddaa, to be the Chief Command in newly established Crime Lab in Coruscant. New CSIs, new environment, what cases would Nihilus face?
Prologue [Thanks to Pottsie, Sabretooth, and Jae to remind me this.]
When Nihilus walked into the door of Crime lab, he felt hard. New people, new environment, and new mood.
“Hi,” the receptionist greeted.
“Hi,” Nihilus didn’t want to give other people impoliteness, “Excuse me, where is the Supervisor’s office?”
“Oh, you must be the new supervisor other people talking about.” The receptionist smiled and revealed white teeth, “Go straight forward, and make a left turn, and the third door. You can’t miss it.”
“Thank you.”
Nihilus went straight, and prepared to make a left turn. “Ouch!” He crashed on a red-haired woman who walked around the corner. Her files on her hands fell on the floor.
“Oh, I’m terribly sorry, lady, are you okay?” Nihilus used the force to help her pick up the files shattered on the floor.
“Yeah, I’m fine. Thank you.” She smiled and hurried away.
Nihilus smirked and headed to his office-Supervisor’s Office. Opening the door, he found a desk, a chair, a real collection of glass jars of animal exemplars, and a computer.
On his desk, he found a short note and assignment sheets from previous supervisor: “Hi, Nihilus, welcome to CSI Coruscant branch. Hope you have a nice day here. The assignment sheets on the desk is for fellow CSIs: Mira, Visas Marr, Carth, and Malak. Here is their bio in their appropriate folders. Eh, that’s all. Have a great day.”
He also took a quick glance to the folders on the desk: there were 4 CSIs and with their photo.
After he finished, someone was knock the door. “Come in.” Nihilus didn’t even raise his head.
“Eh, Lumiya, what’s our assignment today?” A lady in dark red dress asked, “Wait…You’re not Lumiya!”
Looked up, he noticed the red-haired woman he crashed on was inside, too. She can’t cover her surprise.
“Yeah, where is Lumiya?” A humanoid man with a red robe asked. Nihilus noticed he had a artificial jaw.
“Oh, I recalled when I walked into here, all people are talking about the new supervisor, so you must be our new supervisor, right?” A mid-aged man with a good beard asked Nihilus.
“Yeah, I’m the new supervisor, and…why don’t we go to the conference room and have a short meeting? I haven’t introduce myself yet.” Nihilus said.
“Yeah, we’d like to know who you are.” Artifial jawed man said.
The five people went to the conference room. When everybody sat down, Nihilus stood up and said: “Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. My name is Nihilus, I was transferred from Crime Lab Nar Shaddaa branch.”
The red-haired woman said, “Isn’t that the crime lab that solved the sniper case?”
The information passes so fast, Nihilus thought.
“That’s correct.” Nihilus answered reluctantly.
“That’s a great job. I like it.” The woman in red dress said.
“Thank you. Eh…Why don’t you introduce yourselves? Let's start, eh, from you?” Nihilus nodded to the man with a good beard.
“My name is Carth Onasi. I worked here…” His speech was interrupted by the ring of Nihilus’s holocron.
“Excuse me,” Nihilus went outside to answer the intercom transmission.
Through glass, all people can see Nihilus is nodding and talking.
“Alright. Bye.” Nihilus hung up after some time.
“We’ve got company. Let’s cut this short and just tell me your names then we’re off to go, OK?” Nihilus announced, “A suspected suicide occurred.”
“Visas Marr, a Miraluka.” The woman in red robe said.
“Mira.” The red-haired one said.
“Malak,” the artificial jaw man said.
“OK, let’s grab our gear and meet at garage. Let’s go, let’s go!” Nihilus announced.
“He’s got an attitude. I like it.” Visas whispered to Mira.
[Off Topic: Thanks to Dark_Lady for letting me know Holocron is for data storage.]
Woohoo! It's here already!
-edit-
There's more! Cool.
Ringing holocron? Just wondering about that. I thought holocrons were data storage devices.
I'm loving it so far. It looks like it's going to be as good as the other one.
Woohoo! It's here already!
-edit-
There's more! Cool.
Ringing holocron? Just wondering about that. I thought holocrons were data storage devices.
I'm loving it so far. It looks like it's going to be as good as the other one.
Thank you for your compliments and I'm glad you like it.
Is the Epilogue for CSI Nar Shaddaa, because Prologues are shown at the beginning and Epilogue at the end. Anyway thanks for the credit in Post #1 and the Chapter is good. I'll proofread Nar Shaddaa for you and PM it to you.
Ah, an interesting innovation in this forum! I'll take a look now and then, Nihilus! And believe me, that coming from me is big compliment! (You can ask the others)
And uh, yeah, the Epilogue part is a little embarrassing, cause it is usually at the end of a literary work. You use a prologue at the beginning, or a preface, if you're writing out of the context.
Firstly I want to thank Pottsie and Sabretooth for giving me the compliments.
But I still have a question:
And uh, yeah, the Epilogue part is a little embarrassing, cause it is usually at the end of a literary work. You use a prologue at the beginning, or a preface, if you're writing out of the context.
Is the Epilogue for CSI Nar Shaddaa, because Prologues are shown at the beginning and Epilogue at the end.
I don't follow what you guys are talking about, can you guys specify on this?
A prologue is a short 'chapter' that comes before Chapter 1--usually it has some background material you want the reader to know before you start your main story. An epilogue is a short 'chapter' that follows the final chapter of your main story. It's used to tie up the rest of the loose ends of your story, but it's not really part of all the action in the chapters in the main story itself, nor is it essential to the main story. However, it's nice to have endings for all the little subplots. --Jae
Chapter 0.5
At night. Coruscant night was charming, but if you were not careful, deadly would be more appropriate.
One man loaded the last chemical chamber into his blaster.
With a quiet “click”, he closed the chamber. “My name is Weric Elsiri. I reside at 7642 Carpenter Street, City of Coruscant.” He said to his recorder, “I am 41 standard years old, and…” He sobbed and continued, “I’m going to kill myself.”
Holding the blaster, he walked slowly into the bathroom. The dimmed light rays from windows showed mysterious atmosphere.
Walking, he said to the recorder: “I’d like to say ‘I love you’ to my mother Rakef and my sister Lumel. I’m so sorry. I never wanted to put you through this. I just can’t do it anymore. I love you, Mom…”
Then the blaster shot echoed through the small bathroom.
----
The dark sky was cut into stripes by the squad-car’s lights. The CSIs’ speeder landed nearby. Nihilus disembarked the speeder.
“Here comes the nerd squad.” The detective, Arren Kae, told another detective.
“Lady and gentleman,” Nihilus greeted them after looked at the house for a while.
Nihilus walked into the crime scene: the bathroom along with Arren.
The victim lied in a bathtub, there was some blood spat on the wall beside him. Nihilus put down his kit, opened it, and took out a pair of gloves.
“Suicide.” Arren said.
“You think so, huh?” Nihilus replied.
“You got the sleeping bag for easy clean up the bathtub to catch the trace, huh, open window so the stench alerts the neighbors…God bless him.” Then she turned on the light.
“Oh, geez.” Arren coughed a little and sighed.
Nihilus said nothing; he was concentrated on his work. He took out a pair of forceps and picked up a small larvae. “Pupa, stage three.”
“Basic please. I’m not an entomologist.” Arren complained.
“It’s the third stage of larvae metamorphosis.” Nihilus observed, “This guy’s been dead seven days.”
“That’s a maggot, and he stinks.” Arren took a look at her watch, “Oh, good, it’s almost 11. Maybe if I’m lucky I can break out of here in time for a shot at the first rack in the Cantina.”
Nihilus noted and saw a recorder in the victim’s hand; he took it out and said: “I think we may have our suicide note.”
Arren just stood there and said nothing.
“I never wanted to put you through this,” At Rakef Elsiri’s home, Nihilus pressed “Play” of the recorder, “I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve lost hope. I love you, mom…” After the short note, a blaster shot came from the speaker of the recorder. It was loud enough to shock her and vic’s sister, Lumel.
“Oh, my god!” Lumel cried.
“Go upstairs, Lumel,” Rakef comforted her, after she ran upstairs, she continued, “This can’t be happening.”
“We’re so sorry about this, Ms. Elsiri,” Arren said sincerely, “I can only imagine how difficult this must be for you.”
“No, you don’t understand.” Rakef replied, “This is his picture, but that’s not my son’s voice.”
Creepy. 0.5? Not 1? Anyway good Chapter and I'm looking foward to more.
No, not Chapter 1. The real chapter hasn't started yet.
[Off topic: Beware! This is a long chapter.]
Chapter 1
Exar Kun parked his speeder in front of the Crime Lab Coruscant Building. He entered the main gate and asked the receptionist: “Where is the supervisor’s room?”
“Sorry, we already got a new supervisor.” The Receptionist mistaken him as the new supervisor.
“No, I’m being hired here, so I think I’d better to see my new supervisor.” Exar explained.
“Oh, you’re the new guy. Just go straight, and make a left turn, third door. By the way, welcome to CSI Coruscant.” She smiled and revealed her trademark white teeth.
“Thank you.”
He walked to Nihilus’s office, and knocked the door. No one answering. “I’m entering,” he announced. Still no one replied. He pushed the door open, and was surprised to see the shelves with lots of examples of animals and plants. Fetus pig, Dead flies, sheep skeleton, human skeleton, unknown plants and more, more were kept in the glass jar.
“Hi.” A sound appeared behind Exar.
Exar gasped and turned back by reflex.
“Sorry.” Nihilus apologized, “Welcome to Forensics. Nihilus. I’m your supervisor on night shift.”
“Exar Kun.” Exar shook hand with Nihilus, “Nice office.”
“Thanks. Would you mind taking of your jacket and roll up your sleeves?” Nihilus asked politely.
“What for?” Exar asked.
“I need a pint of your blood. It’s customary for all new hires.”
“Why?”
Nihilus scoffed: “So many reasons.” And helped him to take off his jacket.
“I haven’t clocked in yet,” Exar signed.
----
In the break room, Carth Onasi put a magnet marked “Solved” on a whiteboard full of cases.
“One more, baby, one more.” He chuckled.
“Hey. There he is. What’s up?” Malak appeared, and put another “Solved” magnet on another case, “99. You and me, dead heat.” He said amusedly.
Carth only smiled.
“Next crime solved gets promoted to CSI III, man.”
“Yeah, yeah, choice of shift, $8000 raise, extra week vacation--”
Malak nodded and smiled.
“Oh, ho, it’s all about relaxing, bro.” Carth added.
“Twenty bucks, by the end of shift, I’m the man.” Malak imitated the Bartender in the Cantina.
“Is there anything you won’t bet on?” Carth frowned.
“Nope.” Malak smiled, “It’s Swoop Race Reason, man. I won eight of ten this weekend. Kilt ‘em. Outside the Swoopers and them punk-a** Trandos, I’m about four G Reps.”
Carth only smiled, “What the line on us?”
“On us?” Malak chuckled, “I’m like tiger, man—I’m heavily favored.”
“Come on, give me a winner for tomorrow.”
“Ah, Flicker, minus seven and a half over niners.” Then he walked away.
“Um-Huh.” Carth answered, “Cool. Hey, good luck tonight, man.”
“Thanks. You, too, Carth. I hope you get that ‘trick roll’ noise. You’ll never crack that in a shift, never.” He gave Carth a warm handshake.
Carth exploded out a laughter.
“Yeah, well, we’ll see, and I hope the Pack win by seven.” He added.
“We scrutinize the crime scene, collect the evidence, recreat what happened without ever having been there.” Nihilus said as he put the jar containing Exar’s blood, “Pretty cool, actually.”
“I just got out of the Academy—I already know this.”
“Of course you do.” Nihilus passed a piece of notepad and a pen, “Then if you’ll just sign these waivers for personal injury or becoming one with the Force in the line of duty, we can begin our shift.”
When Exar was signing the paper, he felt a little dizzy. He moaned.
Nihilus noticed: “What’s the matter?”
“Um…I’m kind of light-headed.”
“Sit down, sit down.” Nihilus had Exar a seat, “You’re probably low on blood sugar.” Then he opened the fridge and took out a jar, “I’ve got just the thing. Here, try one of these.”
“No offense, but I don’t think I want to eat anything that’s been in this office.” Exar said.
Nihilus said nothing and still holding the jar.
Exar had to take one of the “food” out and examined it closely.
Nihilus took one and put it in the mouth, chewing.
“Is there a grasshopper in there?” Exar frowned.
Nihilus only smiled.
----
“When we get some free time, try and catch up on your reports.” Nihilus said on a lab meeting, “I’m getting a lot of heat from the Security Force’s Office. There, I said it: Administration, not my favorite thing. Alright, here we go.” And he began to read the assignment sheets:
“Carth Onasi, 414, trick roll.” Carth make a “Kill me” face when heard that, “Victim found drugged and robbed at the scene.”
Malak smiled in a relief.
“Malak, 407, home invasion, forced entry. Person reporting crime fired multiple rounds at the suspect. Suspect’s condition is unknown.” Nihilus paused, and asked, “Anyone seen Visas?”
In front of the lab, Visas just got to the front door—the traffic had driven her crazy.
---
In Nihilus’s office, Nihilus told Exar: “Well, congratulations. You’re now officially an CSI. I think you need some experience for the first night. But I have an autopsy for the case (Remember the Chapter 0.5? He’s mentioning that case) You coming?”
A full Chapter. And it's good, well done. I'm looking foward to more. Also, is Exar Kun the same Exar who fell to the dark side?
A full Chapter. And it's good, well done. I'm looking foward to more. Also, is Exar Kun the same Exar who fell to the dark side?
Ah, I'll leave that for readers to imagine.
well, there can't be 2 exar kuns, and thats a continuity error ;)
well, grammar was pretty off in this one, but the concept and the way the story plays out is good. i'd proof read it at least once if i were you :)
overall, good job!
well, there can't be 2 exar kuns, and thats a continuity error ;)
well, grammar was pretty off in this one, but the concept and the way the story plays out is good. i'd proof read it at least once if i were you :)
overall, good job!
You know, I'm not a native English writer, therefore some grammartical error is inevitable. But thank you for the compliments and glad you like it.
I read chapter one and I noticed something very familiar. It falls along the lines of the pilot for the TV series CSI. I noticed that you put in the names Nick and Warrick which gave it further away and so did the dialogue. Nice job on it. I saw the title for NarShadda and thought it interesting that someone decided to under take the task of that. I like CSI and I own the entire first season so I kind of know what's up with it which was how I was able to guess. Anyway, I look forward to the next case.
If you want, you can send me your segments before posting and I can help edit in terms of grammar and stuff. I do it for another person on a different site and it's my day job apart from school.
I read chapter one and I noticed something very familiar. It falls along the lines of the pilot for the TV series CSI. I noticed that you put in the names Nick and Warrick which gave it further away and so did the dialogue. Nice job on it. I saw the title for NarShadda and thought it interesting that someone decided to under take the task of that. I like CSI and I own the entire first season so I kind of know what's up with it which was how I was able to guess. Anyway, I look forward to the next case.
If you want, you can send me your segments before posting and I can help edit in terms of grammar and stuff. I do it for another person on a different site and it's my day job apart from school.
Really? I didn't pay a full check on them...But however it's nice you have Season 1, but for me, I have all of them except CSI: NYC.
Yeah, yeah. I'm a college student and a poor one to boot :)
Still you did do a good job.
Announcement:
Due to the Internet reason, which stated below, I'm very sorry to announce that starting Next week, CSI series will be DISCONTINUED...
Don't be upset yet, I didn't say how long.
For just one day due to Internet will not come up until tue. After that, you know what will happen...
God speed.
CSI: Nihilus
I like the fic so far, though you could use some help with your english (believe me, if I wasn't a native speaker I wouldn't be able to do half of what you have done). I look forward to seeing more.
Hi, what good wind bring you, the most underrated artist, here?
I know, thank you for the compliments. Of course, If you don't mind, you can draw me a cover if you want. Eh, I'm eagerly to get any help, but unfortunately, nobody helps me so I have to improve it myself...
Hey, I'd help! I'm the speediest editor in the world... almost, anyway. And don't pay any attention to the remarks about Exar Kun. Keep him in. :)
I'm sad that you might be discontinuing this Fic. But it's your choice. I have the same problem constantly.
Did you fully read my announcements?
Did you fully read my announcements?
Oh yeah, sorry.
[Off topic: @ Pott, that's okay. Everybody makes mistakes.
This chapter is shorter than the previous one.]
Chapter 2
“Another crime was being committed,” Malak commented when he and Mira walked into the house which a body lied on the hallway. He got good hit on head, and Mira noticed the door lock was broken.
“Yeah, and a waste of that good door.” Mira observed.
After they came in, Mira noticed a desperate husband and a lovable wife who is calming her baby.
Putting down the crime kit, Mira took a close look to the wife: he looked worried, concerned, and comforted her baby: “That’s okay. Shh.” Then she kissed her baby’s forehead.
“Madam, are you alright?” Mira asked.
“Yeah, she’s fine. She’s just shook up.” Her husband explained.
“Somebody want to tell us what happened here tonight?” Malak asked the husband.
“My wife invited her drunk friend to stay here so he could get back on his feet. Two week tops, she says. That was six months ago…” The husband brought Malak and Mira into the flashback:
The husband came into the meeting room and saw his wife’s drunken friend was laying on the sofa. His feet was on the head pillow.
“Jimmy, Jimmy!” The husband said, “Please take your sweaty feet off the head pillow. They stink.”
Then Jimmy threw a unknown object away, soon, a sound of glass break could be clearly heard.
Opening the front door, the husband pushed the drunken guy out, gave him his coat and twenty dollars: “Here’s a 20—twice as much as you came with. Hit the road.”
After a while, he came back and knocked the door furiously like a hungry beast was about to attack its victim.
“Open up!” He shouted while knocking the door—no, knocking is not the exact word, it’s like he was ramming the door.
The husband loaded a blaster for self-defense. His wife looked worried.
Jimmy attempted to open the door but in no vain. So he used his last resort—to kick the door open. After the door was open, the husband shot out a blaster beam, and Jimmy fell down—dead.
His wife screamed.
“Call 911.” The husband said calmly.
“That was it.” The husband finished, “I feared for my wife and my baby.”
Mira and Malak simply stared at him.
“Let’s put the baby to bed.” He comforted his wife.
His wife nodded rapidly in agreement then they walked away.
After looking at their backs, Mira asked Malak: “What do you think?”
“Oh, he’s lying.” Malak smiled, “That’s why I took this job.” He used a tape to get some sample on vic’s clothes; “I can always tell when Whitey’s talking out his a**. It’s a gift.”
“It’s also your 100th.” Mira raised her camera and lowered it.
“Yeah, that, too.” Malak felt amused, “So tonight you might say I’m extra suspicious.”
Mira raised her camera again and made a quick snapshot to the foot print on the door: “Why don’t you print that tread and see how good you are?”
Malak looked at Mira surprisingly. Then he accepted a tread sampling tape Mira gave him. Bending down, he took a sample of the victim’s foot print. Then he took the sample to compare to the print on the door.
“Why are you doing that?” The husband asked.
“It’s just procedure, sir.” Malak explained, “We’re just want to make sure the shoe on the suspect is the same shoe that kicked down your door.”
Mira noticed something: “Wait…Wait a minute.”
“What’s the matter?” Malak asked.
“Sir, after you shot the deceased, did you move, re-dress, or alter the body in any way?” Mira asked.
“No. Why?” The husband asked.
“Talk to me.” Malak still didn’t follow.
“The left shoe’s tied differently.”Mira explained, “Sir, in the six months that the victim lived with you, did you ever wear his shoes?”
Malak noticed it, too.
“No, why would I do that?” The husband asked.
“You willing to sign a statement to that effect?” Malak turned around to face the husband and asked him.
“Sure.” The husband replied.
“What happened to your pinkie toe?” Mira wrote something on her notepad.
The husband looked down and noticed his small toe was injured and tied a band-aid: “Oh, that. I tripped over a rattle.”
Malak and Mira just smiled and said nothing.
Definitely a stroll down memory lane with episode one, season one. Still You did a good job. There are still grammar issues but they aren't so bad that I can't understand what the idea you are putting forth. Your spelling is very good however so that helps in understanding the chapter. Keep it up and I look forward to more.
.....I'll try my best. Thanks for the compliments.
[Off Topic: AT LAST! INTERNET IS READY TO GO!!! HA! Wait, did I forget something? Oh, yeah, the new chapters of CSI: Coruscant Episode 1...Enjoy, guys!]
Chapter 3
In the autopsy lab, Jolee Bindo agreed Nihilus and Exar Kun: “Hi.”
Nihilus replied: “Hi, what do we have here?”
“Mmm…I can see we have a new CSI, huh?”
“Oh, him. Yeah.” Nihilus introduced, “Jolee, Exar.” And they shook hands.
“Now this is the fun part,” Jolee said when he uncovered the corpse found in the bathtub.
Exar put on the mask because the smell was so disgusting.
“You got to breathe through your ears, Exar.” Nihilus said briefly.
“First dead body, Exar?” Jolee said amusedly.
“Yes, sir, but I’ll be okay.”
“I hate to put a damper on your night, Nihilus, but it looks like we got ourselves a homicide after all.” Jolee said.
“You see, if the victim had extended his arms like…” Nihilus noticed Exar didn’t follow, “Here, I’ll show you. Give me your hands.”
Nihilus grabbed Exar’s hands, and continued: “And pushed the trigger with his thumbs, like so…” Then he pressed Exar’s upholding thumbs, a blaster beam entered into victim’s chest and fracturing the nearby tissues.
“The wound would look like this.” Nihilus concluded, “The wound will be smaller, and no fractures on the surface of the skin.”
“He’s right. This wound is too big.” Jolee agreed and observed, “This person was shot from six to seven feet away. It’s like somebody stood over him, and…” He formed a signal of firing a blaster, “Bam!” The blaster beam entered the wound and left a bigger wound.
“Criminal homicide,” Jolee concluded and held up the surgery knife, “Let’s see what the Force would have to say,” and then he began to cut the skin of the victim. A strong odor spread throughout the room.
Exar frowned.
This slight movement didn’t escape Nihilus’s sharp eyes: “Are you okay?”
“I’m sorry, sir, I can’t take the smell. Oh, by the name of the Force, restroom?”
“Right down the hall to your right,” Jolee replied.
Exar nodded and hurried away.
“He’s cute.” Jolee observed.
Nihilus looked at him.
----
Exar ran down the hall, but still can’t find the restroom. He looked around and found the Hall of the Dead—a lot of corpses rest there. He could bear it no longer—and puked.
When he finished puking, he felt better. When he realized where he was, he was scared by the numerous number of human corpses. Suddenly, he stepped on a cover, and the cover fell, revealing a deformed Rodian corpse beneath it.
Astonished, he attempted to open the door, but the door was locked.
----
“How soon does the Captain want that one out?”
“Eight hours.” Nihilus said without any thinking.
“Whoo!” Jolee proclaimed excitedly.
On the nearby view screen, Exar was pounding the door fiercely, too bad they could not hear the sound.
----
Turning around, he saw the deformed corpse was indeed laughing at him. He screamed: “Help! Somebody help me!”
Nihilus rushed over and opened the door for Exar.
“There were bodies! I can feel them breathing!” Exar’s sound rushed over Nihilus’s eardrums.
“That’s okay. That’s okay. I’m here.” Nihilus patted his back and shouted back to the corpses in the room, “You ********!” Then he turned back to Exar, “There. Okay?”
Exar only could smile embarrassingly.
[MOD: I know I should censor it, but I think this quote is too funny to deleted. But if you feel it's uncomfortable, PM me and I'll censor it]
I removed it. Can't use that language here, no matter how funny the joke might be. :) PM me or the other mods _before_ posting if you have any questions about whether you can use certain language or words. --Jae
Chapter 4
Carth Onasi went to a hotel where the “Trick Roll” happened.
A waiter passed him, and he asked the waiter: “What’s up, fella? I got a call about a trick roll.”
“Right there, Room 1143.” The waiter replied.
Carth thanked him and walked into that room.
Some Security Force officers finished taking notes and were going to leave the scene.
“Hey.” Carth greeted them and looked at the victim who was sitting on the bed: “I’m Carth Onasi, with Criminalistics. You mind if I ask you a few questions?”
The victim shook his head and held out his palms: “She got everything, my wallet, my ID…Hell, she even got my wedding ring.”
“Did you two have a nightcap?” Carth asked, “You think she could’ve slipped you something?”
“No. I can’t drink. I got this bum ticker.” He paused for a while and looked at Carth, “Look, officer, I…”
“Carth.” Carth took a seat, “You can call me Carth.”
“Carth, I…” the victim signed: “I love my wife. We’ve been married 31 years now. I’ve never cheat on her before. I come into this town for a convention and I’m setting in the lounge, minding my business, when this sweet-smelling Twi’lek came up to me and…Next thing I k now, she’s nibbling on my earlobe and…”
The victim walked out of a casino, holding a beer bottle. One Twi’lek came at him from the street. The duo walked into the room, and [Sorry, I don’t think it’s appropriate for PG class]…and the Twi’lek looked up to the window.
“For a second there, I thought I was your age again.” The victim finished.
“We’ve been seeing more and more of these the past 48 hours.” Carth comforted him. Then he took out a blue-lighted flashlight, “Open your eyes wide for me, sunny side up.”
After a brief observation to the victim’s eyes, Carth guided the vic, “Now say ‘Ah.’”
The victim did so and tucked out his tongue.
“Was she hot?” Carth joked.
The victim made a chucking moan.
“Attaboy.” Carth smiled, “Mr. Mukai, your eyes look okay, but I notice some discoloration around the inside of your lips. Have you always had that?”
Mukai looked into a mirror.
“No. What the h*** is that?”
“I’ll swab your gums see if we can find out that made you pass out.”
I was beginning to wonder if you would ever return. Two good Chapters CSI. I'm looking foward to more.
Yeah two new chappies! I noticed that you have paid attention to your spelling. That's good. What I have noticed is that it almost reads like a script and the like. I know that you have show the perspectives on the crimes and all but I think your characters could use a little more depth. Maybe a little more description at how the character feels. Take for example Exar. He was getting sick being around dead bodies. You make hints like to slight movements but maybe you could have added something like, "He felt himself getting queasy and if he had a mirror he would have seen himself getting green in the face." It gives more depth as to what we are seeing through your words. Description is good because your goal is to try and get us the readers to see what you see in terms of your plot and how it plays out. Still I give you points for even attempting criinal investigation in the Star Wars universe. Keep it up.
Oh...Yeah, true...I'll try my best to combine the feelings and other stuffs. Thank you, JediMaster12.
Thanks for the welcome, Pott. BTW, nice avartar and sig.
Chapter 5
“You know, my first robbery solved was a store like this,” Nihilus dove the speeder onto a parking lot of a liquor store and looked at Exar, “When we caught the guy, the owner was so happy that he gave me a dozen farm fresh eggs out of his cooler.”
Exar frowned: “I never thought you’re here that long.”
“No, not here. Nar Shaddaa.” Nihilus explained.
“You’re trying to cheer me up, aren’t you?” Exar thought aloud. “Nice person,” He thought quietly.
“Yes, I am. How am I doing?” Nihilus blinked.
“Pretty good.”
“Good. Ok, look, this was a routine robbery. Dust for prints, check the videotape, take lots of fun photos. I’ll be back in about an hour to pick you up.”
Exar nodded and thought: “Eh. This should not be difficult as I thought.”
“Okay.” Exar nodded and jumped out of the speeder.
“If you get done early, use Channel Seven.” Nihilus added.
Exar nodded while he watched Nihilus’s speeder vanished into the beautiful sky of Coruscant.
----
In the lab, one of Malak’s buddy walked into the lab. He was amazed the mess in the lab. He swept for Malak and finally found him at one of the microscope.
“What’s up?”
“Hey, rookie. Hair fibers from the home invasion. Take a look.” He moved away and signaled his buddy to take a look into the microscope, “Take a look. Tell me what you see.”
His buddy smiled and jumped onto the chair. He couldn’t miss the chance to be a CSI.
“I see a lot of things,” Under his eyes, he saw a lot of fibers.
“Look at the end of the follicles.”
He hesitated for a while, and took a close look, “Oh, yeah, you know, I see, like little tiny seeds or sacs or something.”
Malak nodded and thought: “Cute kid.” But instead he said, “That’s pulp when the human hair was yanked out like this.” He pulled a stray of hair from his buddy. The pain almost caused his buddy to jump.
“Aw, man! D***!” He complained.
“Nice reaction.” Malak thought again.
“Look, you see the seeds?” he indicated the white “seed” to his buddy, “Hair only comes out in that form when it’s yanked or pulled, signifying a struggle. You know what? I got to go.” He packed up his stuff and told his buddy, “Tell Nihilus when he gets back, I went to the Security Force to do a follow-up on the husband.”
“Yeah.”
----
“Now how long is this gonna take?” The owner complained when Exar was dusting for prints, “I’m losing business because of you.”
“Madam, I told you, if you let them in, it will contaminate the scene.” Exar hated this kind of guy but he had no better idea to do otherwise.
“Oh, contaminate, my a**! What the h*** difference does it make? You ain’t gonna catch them! You never do!”
Exar signed: this is just getting better and better! I hate this kind of people!
----
“Sir, I’m on your side. In the interrogation room in the Security Force Office, Malak told the husband, “I want to clear you.”
“Then clear me. I already told you everything.” The husband looked innocently.
“I understand that,” Malak held out his palms, “But the evidence is telling us something different.” Man. I trust evidence more than you. Malak thought. “So I’m going to ask you again, just one more time—before you shot the deceased, did a struggle ensue?”
When the drunken friend, Jimmy, broke in, “I have a gun,” the husband threatened. But Jimmy didn’t listen to him. Then a struggle began. The husband was pulling Jimmy’s hair and Jimmy’s left shoe stepped onto the husband’s left foot. Then Jimmy pushed the husband onto the ground. With a blaster fire, Jimmy fell down and his left shoe was off. The wife screamed and the baby went crying. “Call 911,” the husband said calmly after hurried to tie up the left shoe onto the victim.
“I must have tied the laces wrong. I’m sorry I’m wrong, but I know I should have tole you earlier but…I was nervous. I mean…I took a man’s life here.”
Malak simply stared at him, but his brain was thinking: “Should I trust this guy or the evidence?”
“You don’t believe me, to you?” The husband’s sharp eye seemed to have penetrated through his heart.
Still, Malak said nothing and simply stared at him. He felt calmed because he decided to believe the evidence.
Another good Chapter CSI. I've been waiting for a while. Looking foward to more.
That was better CSI. I can see that you are trying out what the characters are thinking. Now add a bit more description to the scene like the quickie mart, you can describe how the scene looks to the CSI working the case. It will geive a better insight to the character.
I'm loving this story just as much as the first. :D
Chapter 6
“This is Exar Kun requesting back up at Junkie’s on Sector West, over.” Exar said into his Intercom. His eyes wide, and his another hand reached into his lightsaber. “What the heck?! Man. This is not going to be okay…”
“This is Mira. Are you in danger?” Mira’s assuring voice replied.
“Uh, we’re getting there.” Exar was thinking of an appropriate phrase to answer. His forehead was filled with sweat and signed in irony.
“This is my Popsicle stand—I’ll defend it to the hilt if I have to!” The owner waved her modified blaster around and shouted at Exar. She means the surrounding—the messy ground with lots of empty shelves.
Exar’s hand still on his lightsaber, but he thought: “Calm down, you the piece of… Don’t wave the gun at me! Put it away!”
----
“So, this is it, huh?” Carth looked at the speaker, who continued, “The $8000 Q-Tip.”
“Well, you’re the chemist. I just need to know what knocked the old man out.” Carth looked at the test tube speaker was holding, and thought: “Man.”
“In 20 seconds, this will give us a complete chemical breakdown right to the atom.” The speaker was Tahiti, the lab technician, “But I’m going to warn you, though. These mouth swabs don’t always read. Vaginal swabs, no problem. Anal swabs—money.”
“Anal swabs?” Carth frowned and thought: “What the hell is that?”
“Anal swabs.”
“Ouch.” Carth signed while Tahiti pressed some buttons on the machine and it began to whir quietly.
“Dude, you get NPL-3S for Dreamcast?” Carth asked when they were waiting for results. (NPL: National Podrace League) Boring, anyway.
“Yeah. Bought it the day it came out.” Tahiti answered, “Those graphics are killer, aren’t they? My team’s the Falcons. What do you use?”
“Hawks.”
Tahiti frowned and took the paper from the printer. Carth read it and said, “It didn’t take, did it?”
Tahiti shook his head: “A hint of saliva; some denture adhesive…That’s it. Sorry, man.”
----
“All right, put the blaster down.” Raising another blaster, Mira entered the Junkie’s store and said. What a hell night.
“What! Who’s getting robbed again now?” The owner put down the blaster.
“Are you okay?” Mira asked Exar.
“Yes, madam.” He watched Mira took the owner’s gun.
“Control, Junkie’s is a Code Four.” Mira said into her intercom.
“Copy that.” The intercom said.
Mira put away the blaster and asked Exar: “You the new guy?”
“Yeah. Hi, I’m Exar Kun.” At last I saw a good person, right? No, Nihilus is the first.
“Hi, I’m Mira.”
“And I’m Meela Tavon. Let’s forget the formalities here! Which one of you people’s gonna clean my counter here?” The owner complained.
“Let me tell you something, lady—if you don’t care about catching the suspect, neither do we.” Mira’s sharp tongue worked out smoothly, “We’re out of here. You can pick your gun tomorrow.”
“You can do that?” On the way out, Exar asked Mira.
“No.” Mira chuckled wryly.
Behind them, Meela pushed the cash drawer back and screamed, “Aw.”
----
In the lab, Nihilus swung a wooden club onto a fake head. And the blood inside the head splat onto the white cloth behind it.
“D***!” A sound behind him.
Nihilus turned around and found Malak at the door. Malak was looking at the white cloth. Now there is a beautiful red flower blossomed on it.
“Blunt force trauma case. At the hotel. Pregnant wife caught her husband in bed with another girl.” Nihilus grabbed a camera and asked, “What you think? Malicious intent?”
Nice flower, Malak thought. He said: “Little bit, yeah. How’s it coming?” Then he heard Nihilus pressed the shutter.
“It’s coming,” Nihilus put the camera away.
“Whose blood is that?” Malak pointed at the white cloth.
“The new guy’s. Would you like to donate?” if everyone donates 1 pint blood, then I’ll have enough blood to do experiments.
“Hell, no.” Malak frowned.
“How’d the follow-up go with the husband? Boe tells me you were onto something.” Nihilus sat down and wrote something on the record book.
“The story’s changed a bit. Now he says there was a struggle.” Malak looked away, “Said he stepped on his shoe while they were fighting.”
“You believe him?”
“At first, no. But now—I don’t know what to think.”
“Forget the husband, Malak. Forget about the assumptions. Forget about your promotion. These things will only confuse you. Concentrate on what cannot lie—the evidence. Follow the reason we’re having this conversation.”
“Follow the shoe.”
Another good Chapter CSI. The length has improved a lot.
Thank you for the compliments. Now work on your Echoes of Darkness. :D
Thank you for the compliments. Now work on your Echoes of Darkness. :D
Well, School has once again started for me, so I won't have much time to write, but I'll try on Friday and Saturday. Still looking foward to more Chapters CSI. Also are you planning more CSI Fics, because I've seen them in your Sig.
Yeah...the last three episodes are "Cross Jurisdiction" episodes. I won't release them now, after some episodes on CSI Nar Shaddaa and CSI Coruscant. Then I'll write one Cross Jurisdiction.
Yeah...the last three episodes are "Cross Jurisdiction" episodes. I won't release them now, after some episodes on CSI Nar Shaddaa and CSI Coruscant. Then I'll write one Cross Jurisdiction.
Is Bounty Hunter Part II based on the Game, Bounty Hunter starring Jango Fett? Or is it completly different to that game?
No, it's not based on the game...It's a completely different story.
Ok. That first part is a little confusing and I am taking into account that English isn't your first language. Some of your phrasing isn't right like reaching into a lightsaber. That is not physically possible unless you are building one. You never really described the owner of the Junkies' mart though I am assuming that it is probably a woman waving around a big gun that could blow a hole in you chest with one shot. I would have probably addressed Mira as ma'am. More respectful in chains of command and the like. You left a fragmented sentence where Nihiluis explains about the BFT (blunt force trauma). I would have attached the two sentences together. It gives a more complete thought. I still would like to see more description of the scenery and how the characters interact with each other. A picture has a thousands words. What the eyes see you must put it down on paper.
I don't mean to offend if I pick at grammar and the like. I am just trying to get at what you are trying to show me as a reader.
[Off topic: I'll credit JediMaster12 to allow me to use "Heart of the Guardian", name of his trilogy, into this fiction.]
Chapter 7
In the evidence processing room, Malak took out the shoe from the husband’s feet. He frowned as he smelt some odor from the shoes. Not a very good job to de-odorize this, Malak thought.
He sat back and took a close observe at it. It was just a normal shoe. Then he took it up and made a closer observe. He turned it over and over to find the slightest trace.
Turning it over and over, finally Malak was tired of this. He took a careful look at shoe lace and signed. No trace so far. Then he peered into the shoes despite the odor and his sharp eyes were searching for something. Something! There was something inside the shoe!
“Well, I’ll be damned.” He patted the bottom of the shoe, a plastic thing fell onto the desk.
Malak picked up that up using forceps and scoffed: “Tripped over a rattle, my ass.”
----
In the Fingerprinting Lab, Traya put down the holocron recorder under a UV light to reveal a white impression with lots of ridges. Fingerprint: “Remember this from your suicide case? Minute I pulled it, I knew something wasn’t right.” She made a pause, “The impression is perfect—maybe too perfect.”
Then Traya put it down into the microscope and called Nihilus: “Take a glance.”
Under the microscope, Nihilus saw some red dots: “What are those red particles?” Funny, what are those red dots? Looks like the pressure point on the bombs. Nihilus joked.
“Latex flakes.”
“From what?”
“Protective gloves, maybe…but the way I figure it, this guy is smart—probably planted these prints.”
“So on a hunch, I chemically tested the flakes. Guess what it was laced with?”
Nihilus shook his head and signaled her to go on.
“Lecithin.”
“The chemical’s found in cooking spray?” Nihilus looked away and thought aloud, “If latex rubber and cooking spray went on a blind date, how would the night end?”
“A lot better than ours did.”
“I know, Pink Floyd’s not your thing.”
“I have on Security Force boots.” Traya said, “I work in the lab. What makes you think Heart of the Guardian and the Mantle of the Force is going to warm my barn?” (She refers to books, Heart of the Guardian and the Mantle of the Force.)
“I just thought it’d be something different.” Nihilus said wryly.
“You want to be different?” She signed, “Well, you’re still too early to hear that. You’re slacking, pal.” Then she sat back to the computer and work on the prints.
“How long is it going to take?” Nihilus asked.
“Maybe four minutes, maybe four days, but you can bet on yourself that she’ll give you something.” Traya shook her head, “She always does.”
----
“Look, um, I got to be honest.” Exar signed: What a hell day! “This isn’t me. I was pushed into it by my mom. She’s a lieutenant in Security Force. She’s never going to get out of fighting with criminals, so um, I’m fulfilling her dreams, not mine.”
“I can sit here and I can baby you and I can tell you to quit,” Mira sat up, “But I’m not going to do that, because I really love my job. We’re just a bunch of kids that are getting paid to work on puzzles. Sometimes there is a piece that’s missing.” Mira closed her eyes, yup, hell of a day.
“Sometimes we solve it in one night.”
“But do you think I should stick with it?”
“Stick with it? The Security Force?” Mira signed and stared into Exar’s eyes, “Forget it. They would not know fingerprints from paw prints and the detectives…chase the lie. We solve. We restore peace of mind and when you’re a victim, that’s everything. Stick with it. At least until you solve your first and if after that you don’t feel like Rancor on Death Stick, then you can quit. But if you stay with it, my hand to the Force, you will never regret it.”
“Mira, cut your lunch short.” The intercom cut in inappropriately, “You got a 428.”
“Copy.”
----
“If you want me to call the Judge at 4:00 in the morning, give us more than a toenail.” Arren snapped.
“Detective, you’ve got to make that call.” Malak snapped back, “If you don’t, he’ll walk.”
“And what do you got? Hair fibers. Big deal. So there was a struggle. I mean, who gives a corn cob? The guy was protecting his wife and kid.”
“I’ve got the toenail.” Malak was quite mad at Arren’s attitude, “If I can get a warrant and match the husband’s shaving to his toe, I can prove that the suspect’s foot was inside the victim’s shoe. That alone will establish it was a murder.”
“The guy lived there, Malak. Maybe he put on the victim’s sneaker and fetched the paper one morning.” Arren was mad, too.
“I have a sworn statement stating he never wore the victim’s shoe.” Malak’s voice raised up.
“You don’t even know the toenail was the vic’s.” Arren shouted back.
“It can’t be the vic’s. He was wearing socks.”
“Not good enough!”
“Not good enough?” Malak blinked his eyes.
“Look, I said no, Malak, damn it!”
Malak nodded and grasped the paper from Arren’s desk. The phone rang ironically.
“We’re not done, Malak.” Arren pointed at Malak, “You stay right there.” Then she pressed the button, “Detective Kae.”
“We’ve got a name on the suicide case, madam. He’s local.” Nihilus said.
“He’s local, good. I’ll phone the judge for a warrant.” Arren looked at Malak.
Malak’s expression shifted from astonishment to scoffing.
“Hey, Malak, I guess we’re all done now.” She posed a fake smile, “do you mind closing the door behind you?”
Malak scoffed at Arren and slammed the door behind him and shut Arren’s voice (“We’ll talk about your little foot fetish later.”) behind the door.
In the office, Arren picked up the headset and said, “My Honor, please…”
Another good Chapter CSI. Looking foward to more.
No offense, why you reply so fast?
It's because he prowls the net like a predator waiting for a new story tosoak up. I know this because I left him hanging with Heart of Deception :lol:
As to the chapter it was very good. There are still some verb issues and using the right word. As I suggested before, I would be glad to help you with that as a beta. You could just PM me with a yes or no. That last argument with Malak and Arren, I would suggest more decription on how they are eying each other. You know the smirks, the sarcasm and the fact that Arren is waving the warrant over Malak's head and he can't do anything about it. It makes for a better description as to the tension between those two and helps with further confrontations.
Yes, please do. Thank you very much for the help and compliments.