It's that time of the year again! Following the success (or not!) of last years fesitive bonanza, it's time for:
Star Wars: The Cantina: Holiday Special 2....
*It all began one winter's day as Deac sat in the Cantina with Orthos*
Deac: Orthos? What are you doing alive?
Orthos: It's a special. The writers wanted me back. Plus I said I'd help the boss move if he gave me a part...
Deac: You must really want that part!
*In walks RH Irvine.*
RH Irvine "So tell me. 'Deac'..." *Mentioning to the 'post writer'* "... Interesting how you put the setting in the Cantina on a winter day..."
*RH Irvine runs up and opens a set of certains to show the outside, snowing.*
RH Irvine "This is a desert planet!" *Begins to shake his fist at 'Deac'.*
*In walks a red haired man in japaneese robes.*
Man in robes "Lost his mind that he has... Talking to the ceiling, he is..."
((<3 Kenshin))
*Flax walks in, wrapped in his fur cloak.*
Flax: The Director had the Cantina moved to Agumar, just for this episode.
*Odin appears*
Odin: This is a christmas special. It can snow on a desert planet, you just need a lot more stage hands, then simple shred some important financial documents and you have instant snow.
RH Irvine "You seem to know alot about this."
*An earth shattering secret is revealed!*
Deac: Well...truth is...it isn't just some guy who happens to share the name of his lead character. I am the writer/director...
Orthos: What did I do? Why'd you write me out! Tell me!
Deac: I was sick that day. [Phew] And please, it always snows in Christmas specials. But it wouldn't be a christmas special without...
*Syrnl walks in*
Syrnl: Hello!
Deac: without....
*Enter Lokpihet and Reletha*
Both: Hi there!
Deac: It definatley wouldn't be a christmas special without...
*Beler Jil enters*
Beler: Yes! I got invited!
Deac: Oh for crying out loud! It says so in the script!
"Deac: It wouldn't be a christmas special without...
Enter Rwos, left stage!"
*Sophae and Sellena walk in.*
Flax: Hay Deac, who writes the parts about my dead wife coming back to life? *To Sophae.* You're not supposed to come back till Ep 15!
Sophae: I need the money. Besides. *Holds Mistletoe over Flax' head.* I wanted to say you.
*They start kissing.*
*In walk Hal and Kal, along with Mirra*
*Hal sees his parents groping.*
Hal: Ah, no! That's just wrong!
*Mirra goes and sits down next to Orthos.*
Mirra: Hello Orthos, you look good.
RH Irvine "Too bad they don't know what mistletoe looks lke, thats poison Ivy..."
Kaildor walks in.
kaildor:Heyhey, i know hardly any of you, and none of you well
*nothing*
Kaildor:...rigggght
*begins backing toward the door*
*Rwos stumbles in, out of breath*
Rwos: Sorry, am I late? It was a long way to walk from...wait, what am I doing here anyway? I'm supposed to be er...*looks round shiftily*...something...else...in my own universe. *Looks around at the snow* Oh! Of course...it's the Christmas Special. How could I forget?
Orthos: Uh...thakns. I...have been going to the gym a lot.
Syrnl: Deac! It's been great! Dismembered Ewok have our "Best of" Album coming out in a week. Someone might be getting it in their stockings... *Motions to Lokpihet, Reletha and Orthos*
Reletha: Not again.... Now, what about the irrevlevant Christmas related plot?
*Lokpihet stands*
Lokpihet: As was revealed at the end of Cantina 10, I....HAVE A CELLPHONE!
*It rings. Everyone looks cross.*
What!? I don't know how to change the ringtone!
RH Irvine "I wish I could have gotten one of those... Too bad they don't work in this universe... Or do they??"
*RH Irvine thinks about a cellphone that has 'Duel of the Fates' as a ring tone. Expression on face: ^_^*
*Lokpihet keeps punching his cellphone*
Lokpihet: Come on! Change!
Orthos: You're gonna break it...
Lokpihet: There! ...Uh oh
*The phone now beeps. A vortex has appeared in front of them*
Deac: Wow. It seems your inability to use your cellphone has opened upon a portal to who-knows-where.
Orthos: You're the writer. So you must know where. So tell us.
Deac: That's not really been decided. Votes?
Odin: How about the North Pole, and we all get to do something like save christmas, or kill some of those annoying elves.
Rwos: Yeah, the North Pole. While we're there, we could, you know...save the world...from Christmas...or something... Besides, I want to know once and for all if Santa Claus really exists.
*Looks around at everyone*
Rwos: What?
*RH Irvine leans over to Lokpihet and mutters a joke about Rwos, then laughs.*
*Lokpihet hears the joke and laughs*
Lokpihet: Hiyo!
*Deac is not amused*
Deac: Only one way to find out...
*Deac enters the portal, and finds himself in the centre of a crowded street. The people are dressed for winter, except a few. All wear clothes that Deac is not familiar with. Fortunatley, he sees a few handy Rebel Pilots*
Deac: Excuse me, what planet am I on?
Pilot#1: Earth man! Outer Rim, Milky Way Galaxy!
Deac: I don't believe I've heard of it...
Pilot#2: My first time too. I'm from Vulcan *shows ears. Deac looks more confused*
Passer by: The convention centre's two blocks away- NERDS!
Deac: My gods. I've gone through a portal and arrived on the strangest and most backward planet imaginable...."Earth"!!!
*The terminator theme begins to play. Then the man in the television shop changes the channel so that the theme to "Doctor Who" can be heard, then finally the theme to "Teletubbies"*
Deac: Thank god this is only a christmas special...
----------------------------------
Orthos: Shouldn't we go in after him?
RH Irvine "I donno. but..."
*RH Irvine is interupted by two small humanoids dressed in semi-worn out clothes.*
*One of the small creatures pulls out a gold ring on a necklace, he proceeds by making a short chant of some strange and exotc sorts...*
Small humanoid "Ring goes on" *Dissappears* "Ring goes off" *Re-appears* "Ring goes on" *Dissappears* "Ring goes off" *Re-appears* "Yes Sam!" *talking to his companion* "We shall go fourth to Mordor!"
*His companion whom twas named 'Sam' holds a look on his face with embarresment.*
Sam "Alright, let's go."
*The two jump into the portal.*
RH Irvine *in a squeeky voice* "...precious..." *Coughs while shaking his head real quick.* "Sorry, where was I? Oh yes! the portal, Sure let's follow Deac..."
Odin: Sure we could follow Deac, or we could wait until he dies, and come back to life again. And while we wait we can get drunk and play Sabacc.
Rwos: Never found Sabacc entertaining. Might as well follow him.
*Rwos jumps through the portal and finds himself on Earth*
Rwos: Well. That was rather anticlimatic. Could've just used my own teleporter.
??? "Tell me about it."
*Leaning up agenst a wall stood a very young man, roughly 17, with blonde hair. RH Irvine jumps through, and reconises.*
RH Irvine "Hey I know you! Aren't you a little old for this time frame, havok?"
Havok "Aw, can't I just introduce myself now? At least now my 'creator' desided to at least give me a name."
RH Irvine "Yeah, but you're only what 6 in this current time?"
Havok "No, actually, in this current time I'm less then a year old!"
RH Irvine "Oh right, right. Cloned. gotcha."
*Havok already 'ticked', turns away.*
RH Irvine *muttering* "I wonder if the brains behind creating malice knows that the brains behind creating him would start having him call his 'mother'..." 'Hmmm, makes a plot. I think.'
Deac: Rwos? You know this place? Can we get back?
*A random guy walks past and looks at Deac, then at a skecthbook he is holding*
Guy: What? Cool! The royalties will be here any moment *Dances off*
Deac: Hmmm. This planet must have a monarchy or something....
*some Aesir appear, they join Odin in a thrilling game of Sabacc. They play for various worlds*
Rwos: Normally I'd say yes, but since this is the holiday special I'm not so sure.
*Watches the man dance by* This planet's got hundreds of divided countries. Judging by the level of civilization here, and the fact that they still have a monarchy, I'd say we're in England or one of its sister countries.
Deac: Is that an important planet or something?
[Note: Players of Freelancer will notice it's the largest sector!]
*Deac then notices a familiar figure in a shop window*
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Lokpihet: Hey Reletha, we need to do something evil.
Reletha: I suppose.
Lokpihet: Want to kidnap the most important person to an Earth Christmas?
Reletha: You mean.... Jesus! No wait...we can't kidnap deities.
Lokpihet: No...
Reletha: Dick Clarke? Then they would never know what year it was!
Lokpihet: I mean Father Christmas!
Reletha: You mean Santa?
Lokpihet: Just because Star Wars was American doesn't mean we should stop being English! Yes! Let's go to the north pole, kidnap him and then hold him ransom for the earth. That sounds like a fiendish enough, yet Christmassy enough silly plot!
*In Fused irvine*
Fused Irvine "Shall I be of some assistence?"
Lokpihet: Why not?
Reletha: Well, I think my Dick Clark plan is far more fiendish! In fact, I'm gonna do that and get Dad to help!
Syrnl: Sorry. Don't do evil anymore. Not since that redemption scene.
Lokpihet: Oh....yeah.
--------------------------------------
Deac: What a strange world. Half of them seem to worship something called Microsoft, the other half various gods...*points out a rocker, and goes up to him*
Deac: So what can you tell me about "Led Zepplin"
Rocker: Jimmy Page is the God of Guitar!
Deac: I see, so you worship him to gain musical benefit!
Rocker: Errrr....sort of....they are my band's influence!
Deac: See, Rwos!
RH Irvine *holding a can of soda* "I wonder if Dr. Pepper is a real doctor. Something tells me that he isn't qualified to be a "Soft Drink". But then yet again I can't get enough of this stuff!" *Begins to shake uncontrollably*
-------------
Fused Irvine "Well I guess I could fill in for ya."
*shortly after several blaster shots are heard, Kioet walks down a dark alleyway and takes notice of something horrible*
Kioet: oh my god, what the hell happened here??????
???: mind your own business.
*Kioet takes a closer look....and nearly passes out. what he sees is a dark elf taking a piss on some bodies he just hacked to death with his fireblade shortsword*
((I see some one has played to much morrowind))
*Odin stands from the table.*
Odin: Now that I own the galaxy, lets go through the portal.
*The Group of Aesir follow Odin through the portal. They arrive in the mountains. The first person they encounter is a stranger wielding a sword*
Stranger: There can be only one.
*Takes a wide swing. Odin ducks and draws his sword. A brief fight ensues ending with the strange's head leaving his body.*
*Flax is still kissing Sophae, only now they're on the table.*
*Disgusted the kids jump through the portal, before things progress any further.*
Fused Irvine *yelling loud enough that his voice splits* "GET A ROOM!!"
Rwos: Jimmy Page? Must be a British thing...er...I mean...they don't literally worship music stars here...I think...I hope.
*Flax stops kissing Sophae long enough to take his jacket off.*
*Sellena shakes her head, takes a final look at her sister and the reprobate she married and jumps through the portal.*
*Hal, Kal, and Mirra emerge on Earth, Sellena follows a moment later.*
Hal: Mom and Dad were "catching up" so we left them to it.
Kal: It should be illiegal for married people to have sex.
Hal: Did dad never give you the "talk"
Kal: Talk?
Hal: About the birds and the bees?
Kal: What are Bees?
Hal: Never mind.
Sellena: Colonel, My Brother in Law should be along in a couple of hours, or may I call you Deac? *She gives Deac "the" smile.*
((Same smile Sophae uses to get what she wants.))
*Kaildor wanders through the portal.....late as he always seems to be, and appers on earth*
Kay: Zepplin rule!
*kaildor kicks kay*
Kaildor: Danm hippie
*walks over to Deac and co*
Kaildor: Why do all these people have long hair?
*points at a load of people with long hair*
kaildor: see? this place is strange.
Rwos: *glares* Hey, I have long hair. *looks hurt and strokes his thin white ponytail to comfort it*
*RH Irvine glares at Kaildor.*
Deac: Oh go on then.... Right everyone! We need to find out why we're here!
*TV in the shop window changes*
Newsreader: Dick Clark has been kidnapped! Without him TV will never be the same this new year!
Also...strange figures have been seen heading for the North Pole! Could there be a connection? And why do we have no real heroes on this planet!
--------------------------
*Lokpihet looks round his new ice palace*
Lokpihet: Cold, but it'll do...Mr Christmas
*Santa is tied and gagged behind him*
*Fused Irvine walks in*
Fused Irvine *to Lokpheit* "I've made sure that the elves made giant ice sculptures of our liking. Killed a few with our, heh, 'Magic'." *force lighting arcs from finger time to tinger tip innocently, while he grins widely*
Rwos: The North Pole...that can only mean one thing. Santa Claus really does exist!
*Gilian appears behind the group in a flash of blue light*
Gilian: Rwos! I have something important to tell you!
Rwos: Then there's only one thing to do...we must go to the North Pole and stop Reletha, Lokpihet and their evil minions before---
Gilian: Rwos, stop godmoding. I hadn't even said anything yet.
Rwos: Oh, sorry.
Gilian: Now to business - I have received reports that Reletha, Lokpihet, and some unidentified evil minions (probably all named "Irvine") have been sighted heading for the North Pole. We must stop them before they steal Christmas!
Rwos: To the Cantinamobile! Let's go!
RH Irvine *To gillain and Rwos* "Ahem!? I'm standing right here!"
Deac: We have a Cantina mobile?
*Syrnl pulls up in a flashy soprts car*
Syrnl: Hey Deac! See what the music industry can do!
*Everyone crams in*
Syrnl:Easy on the paintwork...I've only got ONE PAYMENT LEFT
Passing Cop: And I've only one day 'till retirement!
*Drops dead*
Deac: TO the Pole!
--------------------------------------------
North Pole
*Reletha walks in, dragging Dick Clark*
Reletha: See! Now let's see who the earth Hero comes to rescue first!
Minion: Uh.....Mr Goldfinger called. He's currently being foiled by Mr Bond so we'll have to find another hero to stop us.
Lokpihet: Is Buffy free? *Begins primping*
Minion: Sorry, also booked. It's a busy time of year.
Reletha: The A-Team?
Minion: Well, I think Mr T might be able to...
*The Darkstars shake their heads*
Lokpihet: It seems no one can stop us now!
Fused Irvine "Cue the suspenceful music."
*on the other side of the room a large red certain opens revealing a 50 piece orchistra, which then plays a rich: "Dum Dum DUUUMM!!!", in instrumental ^^*
Fused Irvine "Wait a minute, you sound a little dissappointed."
*Dum dum DUUUUUMMM!*
Fused Irvine "Funny once, not twice."
*Dum dum DUUUMMM!!!*
Fused Irvine *thinking* 'Damnit, who's idea was it for those to get here? I'm just not going to say anything and wiat for them to answer.'
*Dum dum DUUMMM!!*
Fused Irvine "STOP IT!! I DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING!!"
*Flax finally exchanges money for a room key and he and Sophae fairly fly up the stairs.*
*Syrnl puts on his tape player*
Syrnl: It's a long way...
Hey! Check this out!
Send your stormtrooper a card,
He's been with the Ewoks on Endor,
The Ewok's think they're hard!
I'm gonna be their death vendor!
*Syrnl plays GODLike once again. Using the darkside creates great metal music*
Lying at my feet
Is a pile of furry meat
Hacked up by my saber!
In the style of Vader!
DISMEMBERED EWOKS!!!
They smashed up the walkers!
Knocked 'em down!
Made them look like a clown!
Here comes some rage from my daughter!
*Reletha begins to shout from her keyboard*
My daddy's right!
Those ewoks'll pay!
I'll knack 'em in a fight!
And dismember them TODAY!
Lying at my feet
Is a pile of furry meat
Hacked up by my saber!
In the style of Vader!
DISMEMBERED EWOKS!!!
*Syrnl takes back over*
Thanks Reletha!
Now those little kids,
They think they're cute!
I think they're pointless
And evil as Viceroy Nute!
Lying at my feet
Is a pile of furry meat
Hacked up by my saber!
In the style of Vader!
DISMEMBERED EWOKS!!!
Yeah!
*The tape ends* [Yes, I went all the way back to find that!]
Syrnl: Great, huh? Live version
Deac: Are we there yet?!
RH Irvine "I've heard better" *begins to hum Duel of the Fates*
*Odin and the other Aesir wander around*
Odin: This is boring, we need more suspense. I know.
*snapping his fingers. A giant meteor suddenly appears in the sky*
Odin: Nothing like a world ending event to create more drama.
*Vidar appears*
Vidar: HOw about some superstorms over that useless country France.
*Snaps fingers, France is destroyed, the world begins to cheer*
Vidar: Not exactly what I wanted.
--------------------------
Asgard: Valhalla
*Heimdall wakes up and goes down stairs. He quickly finds out that his family left him behind.
He orders a pizza, grabs some mead, and sits down to watch some movies.*
*Time skip 1 hour.*
Flax: We're late for the adventure!
Sophae: Come back to bed.
Flax: Where's my belt? Where's my blaster?
Sophae: Fine! I don't see why we can't sit this one out.
Flax: I need the money to pay off Kal's gambling depts.
Sophae: WHAT!!!???
Flax: After you died he went off the rails.
Sophae: Wait till I get a hold of him!
Flax: Calm down, its only a couple of millian credits.
Sophae: Get dressed. *Chucks his clothes at him.*
*Kaildor is still kicking hippys, untill....*
Kaildor: wow! A sleigh! And rendier!
*kicks shop window in and sits in sleigh*
Kaildor: away!
[timeskip that appiles to me alone as im late in posting putting me on sinc with everyone else]
Kaildor: Away damn it!! aw screw this!
*calls for taxi*
Kaildor: to north pole, and fast!
[ que batman music]