All great sci-fi series need one...and we can make fun of it for years to come...so here it is...and Christmas is only a month away...
This is supposed to be humourus...so godmoding is allowed, so long as it's amusing. The story is set just before the events of Cantina 8 begin. It does not have to fit in with any continuity of the Cantina series-so enjoy!
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*Deac sits in the Cantina. It's the Holiday season. Yet he feels a great disturbance in the force...*
ooh! a good spot to have where my new character is got Aesir stuff ^.^
how ever, taht other idea that you had about that lab being destoryed or not could take place b4 c8 in the mean time ^.^
*Irvine Cracken, before his merging, is on route to his newest assignment: Assist, Absurve and Manage the Construction of the Crimson Star II.*
Irvine to himself: "Man this is going to take a few years, heez, why after a few years of not seeing him, does Ivan, need my help putting this thing together. Sithspit, the Empire doesn't need another one... Doesn't my father think one's enough!?"
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*??? holding a letter.*
???: "So, eh, Heimdall was it? I herd to come to you for this 'job'?"
((Great idea, Deac :D))
*Rwos sits in a corner of the Cantina brooding on the latest problem to task his brain - whether aliens exist*
With the vastness of the cosmos, it seems impossible for them not to...but then again, there's absolutely no evidence...
*Rwos takes a bite of turkey leg, vaguely wondering if eating it came close enough to cannibalism*
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*An army of immense size emerges from hyperspace in the Outer Rim and advances on Tatooine, with their sights set on the Cantina. They had finally located their greatest and most ancient enemy - Deac Starkiller*
*Drey sits in a corner of a cantina, drinking some caf*
*all of a sudden a few Grans run into the cantina and start throwing thermal detonators*
Drey: WHAT THE HELL?!!?!?!?
*Drey force jumps out of his chair, and uses speed and activates his teal colored single bladed lightsaber, swings at each of the grans heads, and force pushes them and their thermal detonators out the door, a loud explosion is heard, and the entrance to the cantina is caved in and nobody can get out, well for the moment at least*
Drey: damn it....
*Drey wanders back to his small corner of the cantina, and uses the force to grab another drink from the table, not giving a **** whose watching him*
Heimdall: My name isn't Heimdall, and I have no job that concerns you. Good day.
*Heimdall leaves, boards Gulltop enters hyperspace heading for Asgard*
Heimdall: Only a couple more days until the celebrating begins.
((For this Holiday special RPG, the Aesir will be having a large, and long party. If your good boys and girls maybe you will be invited.))
*10 years before my last post....*
*Deep within the secret imperial facilities in tatooine core, a Falleen doctor, supervised by an Imperial Officer is hovering over 2 dead bodies, over 4000 years old, kept preserved in carbonite, but never awoken, so they were both 'brain dead' until now, they've had their old brains removed, and new ones cloned in, and their bodies regenerated so they look just as good as before they died, and they're still unconscious...*
*Rioet makes a deep incision in each skull, and removed the top of each head*
Rioet steps back: Time to HAX0R!!! It is time to start programming them for assassination.
*Saurat, the imperial officer nods, approvingly*
*Rioet has a droid plug into the brains, and starts downloading all the human and trandoshan essentials into them*
Rioet to Saurat: This should take but a moment, what I'm having SABER2 (the droid) do, is program all the human and trandoshan stuff into their respective brains...shouldn't take much longer, then we can begin removing the unwanted emotions.
*Saurat smiles and nods*
Rioet: OK, SABER2, time to remove some of those emotions!
*SABER2 makes a funny noise, and starts removing emotions, but a clanking noise is heard, as a few flash grenades land in the center of the room, next to SABER2*
*Saurat unholsters his blaster pistol, and kills the insignifigant rebel immediatelly, but the damage has already been done...as one of those grenades had knock-out gas, which put Rioet and Saurot to sleep for 5 days as well as wipes their memories... and the other was an ionized grenade, which disabled SABER2. Now both Drey and Kioet wake up, and like programmed labor droids, walk towards the exit in search of the nearest bar....weeks later, Drey wakes up in the corner of a cantina, with like complete amnesia, and not really caring...and Kioet comes to his senses on the other side of the cantina, and wonders angrily how he got here*
((OOS: they're not ignorant to their surroundings, they know what time period their in, it was dloaded into them, Drey is a force sensitive, and kioet is a simple trandoshan, but they both have literally warped minds, and aren't aware of being in the same room together in the facility as their minds were a blurr until just now.. ))
((OOS #2: there ya have it, some insight on one of my main characters, and my upcoming one! this is 15 years before Cantina 8, btw and i don't feel like having them in the spinnoffs as i don't feel like reading 10+ pages...))
admiral: seriously, your really starting to make it hard to make character story lines...
((Well Scar, it is your own fault. Read the PM I sent you.))
((my background story on drey and kioet is 'real', it's just a rough draft of what happened, looks funny though, and before anyone says carbon freezing didn't exist back then, check this:
http://www.starwars.com/databank/technology/carbonfreezingchamber/eu.html) :D ))
*Deac turns to Rwos*
Hey supply ship's haven't got here yet..they have to be if we're going to do the customary exchanging of gifts...
Wait 'till Rwos sees the Stone Polish I got him!
*The Comm screen goes blank. Reletha's face appears.*
Reletha: I know you're there, Starkiller, so here's today's evil plan. Unless you surrender you and your annoying friends to me, then none of your present laden supply ships will get through...no booze, no chocolate...
*Laughs evilly. Deac suddenly has the urge to launch into song, but resists*
*Drey gets up, and starts doing some karaoke to the song that was played in jabba's palace one time...*
*A concussion blast blows the cave-in away, and a pissed-off trandoshan storms into the cantina, shoves everyone out of the way, and shoves his head face to face with the bartender*
Kioet: GIVE ME AN ALE DAMMIT, I JUST MADE A LOAD OF MONEY!!!
*the bartender gives kioet an corellian ale, Kioet takes it, and runs to the nearest table, shoves an old couple off the seats, and sits down and finishes their meal*
Rwos: No! Not Reletha! Not the presents! Not the CHOCOLATE!
*Rwos ignites his lightsword dramatically* Deac! This is your sister...niece...um...close relative's most fiendish plan ever! We must stop her for the good of the holidays! For the good of the galaxy! And for the good of free peoples everywhere!
*Everyone in the Cantina applauds*
That's not all that's at stake here...if we don't succeed... Deac will never see the Cyborg Joint Oil I got for him!
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*The immense army advances ever closer to the Cantina, undetected by the unsuspecting ordinary people going about their business in Mos Eisley*
Army Commander: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Starkiller. *looks sinisterly at nearest underling* At last we will have our revenge!
*Deac can resist the urge no longer. The Holiday special urge is just too strong...*
Reletha's stolen all our presents
What are we going to do?
We got them last visiting the merchant day,
They're practically brand-new!
And they've gone gone gone,
Yes they've gone gone gone!
And we'll get dirty looks and feel guilty
If we don't exchange them!
*Deac and the party begin to dance in a well coreographed routine. He then begins to break dance...*
*Rwos tries to breakdance and trips over his tail* Okay enough of that. We must get to Reletha!
*Kioet tosses the bartender over the counter ,and starts dancing with him, goes overboard with it, and ends up tossing the poor man out the door*
Kioet: reletha? let's GOOOoooo!!!!
*Deep space. Reletha and Lokpihet sit in the command centre of the SSD Cromwell, eating huge piles of chocolate*
Reletha: Is this our most fiendish plan ever or what?
Lokpihet: But won't Starkiller win anyway
Reletha: Lokpihet, don't ruin the ending for the viewers!
Lokpihet: Fine. Praline?
*Munch!*
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*Deac finishes break dancing and begins to plan. Then, for some reason, Orthos enters, and a live studio audience cheers whilst he looks slightly befuddled*
Orthos: I've discovered a weakness in Reletha's plan! All we have to do is overload her with presents, then we can sneak aboard her ship!
Everybody, start ordering useless stuff!
*Deac hacks into Reletha's account, and orders one million cases of shoe polish*
Rwos: Overloading her with presents? How will that let us sneak abroad her ship?...Oh, what the heck, I've always wanted to waste someone else's money. *joins Deac* How about some of those Trallian purple sardines? A few thousand should do...and while you're at it, check out that Neimodian lipstick! I didn't even know they made that...how about a few hundred bottles...
Deac: And now, to order 500 boxes of Jawa coats...from Tatooine! Then we sneak aboard the frieghter! Who's with me to save-
Orthos: Reletha's forgotten something! We don't need presents and booze and chocolate to enjoy christmas!
Deac: Yes. But Reletha's not the Grinch. She'll just start taking no-christmas related stuff if she sees it doesn't work. Besides, what is the point of this unless we stop her?
Rwos: Won't she suspect a trap? ...Nah. Who'd suspect Jawa coats? *pauses* Are those made from real Jawas?
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*The immense war fleet closes in. In just a few seconds, they'd arrive at their destination, and then...Deac Starkiller was doomed...
Suddenly, and immense, gaping maw loomed in front of them! Before the warships could take evasive action, the immense trap slammed down around them...*
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*Outside the Cantina, a tiny wamprat licked its chops, spit some strange metal bits out of its mouth, and scurried away. That had been one strange swarm of flies.*
Deac: NO, they're made BY Jawas. We can sneak on that. Come on, let's go.
Orthos: And I suspect Reletha's tied up right now...
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Reletha: Lokpihet! Look what we just captured! Nemoidian Lipstick!
Lokpihet: *Sighs*
Rwos: Yes, let's go!
*runs out of the Cantina door on all fours, easily outdistancing the rest of the party, who are all humans and thus have speed inferior to gargoyles*
*About 30 seconds passes*
*Rwos runs back in* Uhh, em, exactly where are we going?
Deac: To a miscenanious docking bay. Let's go!
*The party, including Rwos, Deac, Orthos, and a number of miscellanious backup characters, arrive at the docking bay just in time to catch the transport of Jawa coats*
Rwos: Quick! Everyone disguise themselves as Jawas, so they won't recognize us.
*Wears Jawa cloak*
I'm a bit tall...
Rwos: Oh don't be so pessimistic, you look fine. Just crouch a little!
*attempts to squeeze his seven-foot body, complete with wings and tail, into a four-foot Jawa cloak* She'll never recognize us! And if she does, by some impossible slim chance, realize that we aren't Jawas...
*opens a box of eyeglasses*
Just wear a pair of these, and she'll never recognize you!
*Rwos hands out glasses to the rest of the party*
*Deac and co sit in the cargo hold as the ship approaches Reletha's ship*
Boy, this hurts my knees. Uh-oh
*They hear the sound of a tractor beam*
They got us.
*Reletha bursts open the door*
Reletha: Jawa coats?! What would...Starkiller!
*Lokpihet yawns*
Lokpihet: I knew they were coming. It was in the script
Reletha: Keep your voice down!
Deac: Hah! Now surrender our gift items!
*The Cargo bay door suddenly bursts open and in steps*
Everyone: SYRNL!!!!
Rwos: SYRNL!!! *ignites saber*
Wait...
*turns off saber*
Ummm...
*turns saber back on*
*turns saber back off*
*to Deac* Is he a bad guy in this episode or what?
*Syrnl laughs*
Syrnl: This wouldn't be a Christmas Special without me! By the way, Reletha, have you noticed that the ship is about to crash on Tatooine?
Reletha: Lokpihet! That was your job to watch the helm!
*Lokpihet shrugs. The ship crashes and crushes the presents*
Reletha: NOOOO!
*Deac stands*
Deac: This time is not for presents...it is for love and peace!
*Snow begins to fall*
Oh wait...they're all right! Here you go, Rwos!
*Credits begin to roll*
[COLOR=crimson] MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM THE CANTINA!
No Jawas, wamprats, nor miscellaneous backup characters were harmed in the making of this presentation.
*Deac opens his present*
Cyborg Joint oil! And it's that expensive perfumed stuff! The ladies will love it! Thank you, Rwos!
*Hugs Rwos*
Now open my present!
*Rwos opens his own present*
Grade-A Stone Polish! Just what I've always wanted! Thank you so much, Deac!
*Christmas music plays as Tatooine becomes layered in two inches of snow*
Elder Irvine: "Am I too late?"
Janitor: *sweeping the stage* "Go home."