A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY....
STAR WARS : RETURN OF THE SITH
It is 100 years after the death of darth Traya, and the sith that survived have formed brotherhood of the sith. with darth raptor and ryox the brotherhood of the sith waged war against the republic and it's jedi protectors.
The republic now is at the point of beeing destroyed as it has been split in two, separatist and republic, the trade federation has created a droid army for the sith,countless Knights fall in battle, and many more swear allegiance to the new Sith Master.
A lone smuggling starship, the Ebon Hawk, flies to the planet Alderaan. Xin, a smuggler and harr a wookie friend to xin, are the pilots of this ship....
Err... I don't normally criticize, however... there are a few things that I question about this. First of all, Darth should be capitalized along with: Sith, Raptor, Ryox, Brotherhood, Republic, Jedi, Separatist, Trade Federation, Harr and Xin.
Another thing... the Trade Federation's droid army didn't come until nearly four thousand years after Kreia's death... It was created in 33 BBY, dissolved in 32 BBY and then recreated in 22 BBY until the end of the Separatist movements...
Also... don't you think the Ebon Hawk would be a bit... unflyable? I mean at the time of K2 it was already looking rugged and about to fall apart. :/
Anyway... other than that, it sounds like it might be an interesting read.
Also, I don't usually criticize, but this seems like a very short prologue. Not even the official STAR WARS text crawls were this short in the movies. You gave a rather good overview of what's going on, but I would have liked to get a preliminary sense of the characters. What are Xin and Harr like? Even adjectives like "intrepid" and "loyal" would have helped set the scene. All in all, this was like eating 1 potato chip. I want more!!!
(Kael'thas Solo is there any source that is telling that the Trade Federation did not created an another army. also the droids at this era will be like black Hk. thanks for posting)
( Tysyacha thanks for posting. now at this post you will learn many things about xin and harr.)
Near the planet of Alderaan there is a lone smuggling starship, the Ebon Hawk. xin is tall and lean.he thinks he is very handsome. he works for Gula the hutt.
harr is a very strong and sometimes very angry when he lose in pazzak. he is many years friend with xin. once xin was a pilot of the Trade Federation, but when he saw some droids torturing a wookie slave named harr, he destroyed the droids and escape with harr. then harr and xin became friends and smugglers.
xin is going to the pilot room
xin: hey, Harr, i want to ask you something. is it true that brotherhood of the sith was preparing from the time of darth revan?
harr: har ha ha hahw
xin: you dont know. anyway i dont care much about the war. if we complete this mission Gula will give as a ton of credits.
JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT
Christos is a jedi knight with blond hair, black robe and some scars in his face. he is apprentice to ben.
Ben is a jedi master and friend to christos. he has a beard and is tall.
ben and christos walk in the jedi temple and talk about the war.
ben: my apprentice, very dark times are coming for the jedi. once we were thousands and now were a few hundreds. you must be carrefull now that i will go to the batlle of Alderaan.
christos: yes, master
DANTOOINE , IN A FARMER HOUSE
nick is handsome guy with black hair who stays with his uncle in the planet of dadooine.
nick enters the house.
uncle: where have you been.
nick: i have gone with my friends in a bar.
uncle: you can waste time with your friends later. i need you to do some work.
aunt: hey, come for dinner.
nick: i'm coming
as they eat uncle opens a hologram to see the news.
hologram: the war is going worse for the republic. the separatist destroyed a republic military base.
nick: i hope the war won't come here.
uncle: with the jedi academy here i think the war will definitely come here.
Actually, yes somewhat. I can't give you a specific source... but I do have something from Wookipedia (yeah I know that can't always be trusted... but it itself has sources. Anyway click me (
http://starwars.wikia.com/wiki/Trade_Federation_Droid_Army).
Also, I've skimmed over your first chapter, you still haven't learned the use of the shift button. :p And your writing is somewhat more play like than it is an actual book.
( Kael'thas Solo thanks for posting. well there is not a book or a video game that takes place at this era so i can say whatever i want if it is star wars. one of the things i can tell is that the Trade Federation had a droid army at that era.i don't know if you think is more play or book but i hope you like the first part.)
I have never heard of a planet called Dandooine, but I have heard of one called Dantooine. :)
( .:Lord Revan:. well everyone does mistakes
I... did like it. It's just not something I truly expected. Also, you don't have to use "( )" when speaking... we realize that it's not another "chapter" of the book/play (whatever this is supposed to be :xp: ).
Kael'thas Solo in the next chapter the real action and backstories will begin. i can only tell that the batlle of Alderaan will soon begin:)
I know that, just helping out :)
.:Lord Revan:. thanks for correcting me. if you find any other mistake tell me.
Btw, I went back through the prologue. :xp: You mispelled smuggling and smuggler. I would reccomend (if you are able to) to use Microsoft Word (or any software that has spell check) to type your story/play in to prevent most spelling errors. However, I do also realize that it will tell you that there are words spelled wrong, such as Dantooine, Tatooine, ect from the Star Wars Universe.
Tysyacha here. I appreciated the dialogue between Harr and Xin very much--it made me chuckle, reminding me of Han and "Chewie". :) About this line:
"uncle: with the jedi academy here i don't think the war won't come here."
This is kind of an awkward line because the uncle is using a double negative here. It would have been clearer to say, "I think the war will definitely come here!", or something to that effect. Other than that, and the things that Kael'thas Solo and others have mentioned, the story is progressing well. :)
(Tysyacha thanks for posting. i am not a english native speaker so any mistake you find please tell it.)
( Kael'thas Solo thanks for posting and helping me. i will soon edit my posts.)
Korriban
The brotherhood of the sith was ruled by the dark council, and darth raptor and darth ryox where generals-emperors by the dark council. but raptor and ryox where unofficialy
leaders of the dark council and they did the dark council everything they want.
meanwhile the Ebon Hawk arrived to Alderaan only to see thousands of sith droids invade the planet.
xin: o, oh. three sith starships are firing to us. harr go to the turrets.
sith pilot: are the turbolasers ready?
harr: ha hag hag (translation: now the fun begins)
harr in no time shot two sith fighters but the third shot the Ebon Hawk. now xin had to land to Alderaan or the Ebon Hawk would have been destroyed.
the republic fleet was near on Alderaan when it was attacked by two sith capital ships. ben and some troopers manage to land. the droid army was firing at the republic allies when ben and 4000 republic troopers attacked the droid army. fight was chaotic snipers from the hills, turbolaser, jedi knight fighting sith lords. ben killed 20 droids with his lightsaber. a trooper then came near ben.
dak: hello sir. my name is dak and i am here to inform you that darth ryox is here.
ben: darth ryox is here? we must kill him and end the war.
dak: yes sir.
at the same time a young female jedi knight tries to kill ryox. the jedi attacked with a double-bladed lightsaber ryox, but ryox block the attack and drain the force of the young jedi killing her.
meanwhile xin and harr were at the midle of a deadly fight.
xin: what the hell hapend here?
harr: hag haf had harrrrr
xin: you are right. if gula learn that my shipment is destroyed then he will take my head.
TATOOINE
in the palace of gulla the hut, gula is very angry.
translator droid: bounty hunters, the mighty gula the hut wants you to find and kill xin for 10.000 credits.
JEDI TEMPLE, CORUSCANT
christos and his friend stell are tallking.
christos: the jedi council want me to go yavin 4, to find and kill the separatist leaders.
stell: danger this is. i fell great danger in this mission.
christos: don't wory. the separatist leaders will soon be destroyed.
Alderaan
on Alderaan ben is trying to kill darth ryox. soon ben and ryox begin a fearsome lightsaber duel.
ryox: are you ready to die jedi?
ben: not yet, sith lord.
after many strikes a starship lands. as ryox enters the starship, ben is being fired by the turrets of the starship. soon the starship escape the star system.ben then celebrates with his troopers. they have won the battle.
YAVIN 4
as the christos starship is landing on yavin 4, 8 spider droids attack him. christos using force lighting manages to kill all droids. then 5 sith lords jump on him but christos kill them with his lightsaber skills. then as he enters the Separatist base a sith master tries to kill him. christos then after a short duel, force chokes to death the sith master. he then enters the main room and kill every one.
Korriban
darth raptor goes to his starship to fly to yavin 4.
YAVIN 4
as christos killed everyone, darth raptors starship landed on yavin 4.darth raptor was like a droid dinosaure with lightsaber and dark jedi robe. raptor then attacked christos. christos with force lighting forced back raptor. but raptor saw a force vision to christos.
darth raptor: here see what will happen to the galaxy if the republic win this war.
then darth raptor saw christos Darth Malgus and the Sacking of Coruscant. then he saw him all the battles that the republic looses.
darth raptor: come with me, and together we will unite the galaxy against the true sith.
christos "shocked" replies.
christos: yes my..... master
darth raptor: good, very good. henceforth, you shall be known as darth rex.
christos: thank you, my master
darth raptor: first, i want you to go to the jedi academy on Dantooine. do what must be done, lord rex. do not hesitate. show no mercy.
christos: yes my...master.
Not bad at all !
Maybe I am exagerating, but you sound like a narrator in a theater.
It's neither a good or a bad thing.
So you can be at ease lol.
Oh, also :
christos socked replies.
Socked replies?...
Maybe I am wrong but...
Socked mean : To hit or strike forcefully or maybe a punch.
So it would mean christos hit replies?
(Personal note to myself: like I am the one to talk about mistakes...)
What exacly did you meant by "socked"?
( revan sama i mean that he was suprised by this and very sad and didn't want that thing to happen. something like when darth vader in ep 3 learns that he killed padme.)
edit: thanks for posting. i hope you will like the next part.
( revan sama i mean that he was suprised by this and very sad and didn't want that thing to happen. something like when darth vader in ep 3 learns that he killed padme.)
Oh I see, then maybe it's better to say that he was "shocked" = To strike with great surprise and emotional disturbance.
Or so I think...
Dantooine
christos knowing the code deactivates the shield of Dantooine. then with 4 battalions of droids head to the jedi academy with evil intentions. a jedi master then goes at him.
jedi master: what are you doing?
rex then force chokes him and orders the droids to attack the jedi. in the night sky of Dantooine there is only fire and smoke.
meanwhile nick who is with his friend john see the fire.
nick: oh my, the sith are attacking.
john: i have a bad feeling about this.
It's well written. However... I would make your chapters/scenes a little bit longer if possible. :P Rather than hving 80 posts of chapters/scenes it'd better to have one long one.
Kael'thas Solo i know that is a bit short but some people like reading small posts because the large ones sometimes bore you ( also i am bored whriting long posts:))
thanks for your kind words.
nick with john run to nick uncle.
nick: uncle, the sith are attacking
john: my parents have gone to knooda.
uncle: one minute, to come your aunt.
then all go to knooda. at the same time christos with the droid army have killed every jedi, even the younglings. at knooda the general wants volunteers to fight the sith.
general: who wants to fight the sith. any vounteers?
nick: i.
john: me too.
general: very well men. take your weapons.
meanwhile at a republic starship.
ben: dak, today we will go to geonosis. we will kill darth ryox.
dak: very well sir. but can you tell me more about ryox?
ben: ryox was once a jedi knight. now he is more a machine than a man. twisted and evil.
a trooper goes near ben.
trooper: commader we are landing to geonosis.
ben: very well.
meanwhile at the sith base on geonosis.
ryox: all droids to position. now i want the snipers to attack.
the battle geonosis has begun. millions of troopers, droids, jedi and sith are attacking in a fearsome battle. thousands of troopers and droids die. there is a river of blood. ben with a dinosaure like creature runs to find ryox.
ben: ryox, here you are
ryox: die jedi.
after a short duel ben cuts and the two hands of ryox. but ryox used the Force to control four lightsabers against ben, but the Jedi bested the lightsabers. after that ben cut of the head of ryox. meanwhile the repulic won the battle.
on Dantooine christos after leaving the planet with his starship he orders to his capital starships to destroy the entire planet.
nick: to survive we must go to the jedi academy sublevel.
john: okey lets go.
for hours the capital ships destroyed everything. but nick and john survived.
ben with a few troopers have gone to Dantooine to searce for the survivors. after going to the sublevel he found nick and john. then he go and see a hologram.
ben: i cant believe it. is christos, killing jedi knights.
ben then with nick and john go to the jedi council at coruscant.
jedi council member: i sence that the sith are going to attack here.
ben: i sense that this boy, named nick is force user. i want to train him.
jedi council member: very well
after a month
the sith have taken some republic planets. meanwhile rex is attacking to coruscant.
ben: i am going with dak to find my old friend.
nick: master may i come.
ben: no. your training is incomplete.
nick: very well my master.
ben star ships lands at the rex flagship. then two sith lords bow ben and let him go to christos.
rex: i've been waiting for you ben. the circle is now complete. when i left you i was just the learner now i am the master.
ben: only a master of evil darth.
meanwhile dak sacriface himshelf to deactivate the ship shields and generator. as ben and rex fight the whole starship is going to crash to coruscant. as it is ready to be destroyed both ben and rex broke the window and jumped to the ground as the whole flagship was crashing to the ground. after a fearsome duel rex throws ben lightsaber away. but ben with the help of the force grabs his lightsaber and throw it in the heart of his enemy. rex then dies.
at the same time xin and harr managed to reach tatooine.
xin: harr watch out. 4 bounty hunters are coming to kill us.
harr: haaaa
xin: i know that we survived a battle and fixed and the ship but this is other thing.
then harr shouts the 4 bounty hunters and take their costumes. they enter in gula the hut palace as the bounty hunters.
xin: hey gula. i am xin
before even gule speak xin fired and killed him.
at the same time the republic invades Korriban.
ben: we need to find raptor.
nick: yes master.
as nick and ben enter the sith academy 7 sith lords attack them. but the jedi easy killed them.
nick: here you are raptor.
raptor: jedi scums, come here
who will win: empire or republic, light or darknes, jedi or sith, light side or dark side of the force.
and so the battle that will decide the fate of the galaxy has begun. after some time raptor manages to kill ben.
nick: noooo!
raptor: good. use your anger boy. only your hate can destroy me.
nick using his hate manages to cut of his enemy hand.
raptor: good, now kill me and your journey toward the dark side will be complete.
nick: no sith lord. you will stand trial.
raptor: then i have trully lost.
1 year later.
nick is a jedi knight, the sith have been destroyed, raptor is dead and the galaxy is once again at peace and freedom.
THE END.
please post if you like it or not.
This... was odd. The ending anyway... it's very... Qui-Gon Jin and Obi-wan... ish. haha. It was good, but the ending was a bit abrupt. :/ And you never did learn to use the shift key xD
the galaxy is once again at peach and freedom.
I just wanted to say that this piece is really, really funny. :lol:
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SITH
THE LOST PARTS 1 ( this mini story says how xin and harr fixed the ship on battle of Alderaan)
at the planet of Alderaan there is a very large battle. the Ebon Hawk is damaged and xin wounded. only harr is okey. as harr is goind to see what happend with xin, 4 droid attack him.harr turns back and ,fast, fires at his enemies and kills the 3 of them. but the 4 droid manages to fire at the head of harr. harr now is red with his blood. at the other side of the ship xin wakes only to see harr dead. but is harr dead? xin screams "nnnnoooooooo" "no" and fires and kills his enemy. he goes near harr and founds a river of blood. harr has his eye closed but he still breaths,whith difficulty of course, but xin thinks harr is dead.
xin: no. come on, harr old buddy...
harr: haaaaa
xin: ha,ha,ha,ha. i thought i lost you. come on, we have work to do.
harr: haaaa
xin: okey, i will let you rest for a couple minutes.
after 25 minutes:
xin: come on, i will fix the ship. you will keep the republic and the sith away.
after 2 hours of xin fixing and harr fighting sith war droids and republic troopers the Ebon Hawk is fixed.
xin: come on harr. enter the ship.
harr: hooo
xin: okey, are you ready for going to tattoine.
harr: haaaaa
xin: you are right. we have to past the sith and republic starships.
next update: escape from Alderaan
STAR WARS: RETURN OF THE SITH
THE LOST PARTS 2
escape from Alderaan
xin and harr have now get off the planet only to discover a huge space battle.
the republic with 2.000 capital ships attacks 12.000 sith starfighters and 3.000 sith capital ships.
as the republic looses 22.000 starfigthers of the Separatist,who only for these battle are alied with the republic, attacks the sith. at the same time xin and harr are trying to leave the battle and go to tatooine.
xin: harr go the turets!!
harr: hooooow
meanwhile 8 sith starfigters attack the Ebon Hawk. harr shoots at the and manages to destroy the 6 of them.
xin: harr, watch out these starfighters. they are new models. fire, fire!!!
harr:haaaa
in the ship something made a strange noise. xin lets the ship in autopilot and goes to find the source of the sound. as he goes to see behind a box a blue lightsaber is on his neck.then a very beatifull woman with long black hair and jedi knigts clothes talk to xin.
harr: hooow
xin: i am okey harr. just........
maria: dont talk or i will kill you. i am maria jedi knight. if you listen to me i shall not kill you.
xin: very well.
next update: jedi knight.
in a few days i will update.
No offense, but honestly this just reeks of the movies. A Jedi knight who turned to the Dark Side and is now a machine? Darth Vader. Aunt and Uncle who take care of a teenager on DANTOOINE? Aunt Beru and Uncle whatever who take care of Luke on Tatooine. A human smuggler and his wookie friend? Han Solo and Chewbacca. See, I don't want to be mean or anything, but just try to think of more original concepts rather than taking them from the movies. Sorry. :raise:
No offense, but honestly this just reeks of the movies. A Jedi knight who turned to the Dark Side and is now a machine? Darth Vader. Aunt and Uncle who take care of a teenager on DANTOOINE? Aunt Beru and Uncle whatever who take care of Luke on Tatooine. A human smuggler and his wookie friend? Han Solo and Chewbacca. See, I don't want to be mean or anything, but just try to think of more original concepts rather than taking them from the movies. Sorry. :raise:
First i want to thank you for reading this story.
Second, i know that is copy, but i have my own storyline. also there is nothing new i could write. in star wars there is nothing original now. even kotor is a copy of the original trilogy.
First i want to thank you for reading this story.
Second, i know that is copy, but i have my own storyline. also there is nothing new i could write. in star wars there is nothing original now. even kotor is a copy of the original trilogy.
That's really not true at all. Carth Onasi is NOT the equivalent of Han Solo, Bastila is most definitely NOT the equivalent of Leia, and Malak is nowhere near to Darth Vader. Not in the Original Trilogy did I ever see a Sith Lord's mind wiped by the Jedi Order and enlisted on a Republic ship. Hell, the Republic nor the Sith even existed in the OT...
you are joking, right?
star forge: death star
darth malak: darth vader
revan : luke skywalker
the wookie ( dont remember its name): Chewbacca
the pc is revan: luke is darth vader son
if you look well, you will see that even if kotor has its own storyline many things are taken from the original trilogy.
you are joking, right?
star forge: death star
darth malak: darth vader
revan : luke skywalker
the wookie ( dont remember its name): Chewbacca
the pc is revan: luke is darth vader son
if you look well, you will see that even if kotor has its own storyline many things are taken from the original trilogy.
How is it the same at all? The Death Star is 100% different than the Star Forge, and Zaalbar is absolutely nothing like Chewie. Just cause they're both wookies doesn't mean it's taken from the OT. Assuming you think Carth is Han Solo, "Han" is not friends with Bastila nor Zaalbar. And how in the hell is Luke the same as Revan? The whole point of Luke is that he came from nothing, just a little peasant life with his Aunt and Uncle, searching for his father and seeking to destroy the Empire and becoming a hero. Revan was nothing like that- he was a ruthless Sith Lord that had his mind wiped by the Jedi and was redeemed by his enviroment and companions. Luke was never a bad guy. And two shockers don't mean it's copying... and don't get me started if you play dark side.
Sorry about the rant, but you're just wrong. Every star wars thing has some elements from the other movies, but not to that extent.
again, you must be joking.
The star forge is a copy of the death star. even the kotor fanatics say that.It may not have the same power but is a space station with almost the same name to the death star.
Luke learns that his father is darth vader and revan learns that he is darth revan.
I didnt said that kotor is a complete copy, i said it has copied the main story and changed some things.I like kotor but is a copy of the OT.