I'd like to apologize to you and myself for the soap opera drama you are about to receive :xp:
Two Roads
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It was an odd feeling of disarray… Like someone was randomly hitting pieces of a musical instrument. The music being created was truly nauseating. A mind that was usually so organized; Usually so pin point accurate and hitting the mark whenever possible was now spewing forth chaos into ever part of her body. It gave her a huge migraine.
There she stood; the former Dark Lord of the Sith. The former savior of the republic… twice. So many formers, yet seemingly no present to anchor themselves upon. Who was she? Was she Revan, the Dark Lord of the Sith? Was she Revan, the High Admiral of the Republic fleet? Was she Revan, the savior of the republic? Or were they all one in the same, the person she was staring at in the reflection being the only inconsistency.
In the mirror that inconsistency stared right back at her as she stood there, leaning against the sink in the small apartment bathroom. It was cold, and had the damp feeling in the air that only a bathroom can. But, to be fair, the shower had been running for a few minutes now. She just had not bothered going in at all. The steam was starting to fog up the glass, and she could not help but compare that ever closing window of clear glass to her own current feelings.
She stood there as the calming sound of running water helped her concentrate. As the minutes passed, the glass fogged up and her casual robes dampened. She had the urge to wipe the mirror clean, but did not want to look at herself anymore. There was nothing to look at but a shell with too many people trying to claim it as their own.
She had finally put herself into a corner. Finally lost her balance; forced to decide which side of the wall to fall on. She had dodged the issue for so long that it was no surprise to her that it all came back to haunt her one last time. There was no room to be frustrated anymore. No room for anything else but choice.
A choice between life, and lives. A choice between the subjective, and the attempted objective. She could be selfish, or she could be selfish. There were no other choices anymore.
She could not help but be angry at her own incompetence.
Problem after problem had come before her many forms many times. Revan would know what to do. Revan would have already done something… Revan would have never let this happen. She knew that. But, she still did not know is she really was Revan or not. As far as she could tell, she was simply Avery. Or, so she thought before she found out her memories, beliefs, and everything she was doing was a front for something bigger than her.
Revan was coming back. Revan was taking over again, and she did not know if she was losing or not. From the memories that were slowly trickling back, another part of her was waking up. She was rubbing her eyes and wondering why someone else was in her own body. Revan was talking to her… whispering to her in her sleep.
But, there can only be one at the top. On one side of the wall was Revan, and everything she had done and was planning to do. Then there was her side. The side that wanted to ignore the other side and move on. One side was naпve, and the other was cynical. That was the choice, and she was going to have to make it tonight.
She backed away from the sink and the fogged mirror to rest against the metal wall, lost in thought. Her hand moved down to rest on her belly, reaching out with the Force to feel the choice she was trying to make. The mistake, or gift that had been presented to her. The fork in the road, each leading to a different life. She knew that once she made the choice, there would never be a point of return. It was just one of those choices in life…
Her mind started to wander into different places. She wondered if her mother ever felt this way; backed against the wall, forced to make a choice. Is that the thought a mother is supposed to have about this? If they do not, have they already made the choice? By even seeing the crossroad, had she made up her mind anyway? Maybe she had. Maybe now she was just stalling.
It was an all or nothing choice. She had known that from the first time she had lain down with him. On hindsight, it was an incredibly stupid thing to do. She had already known what had to be done, but she selfishly ran through doors like a child. Revan would not of had this problem.
As she held her belly, the Force told her no lies. She felt her own life force, but mingled with it something else. ..
Very small.
Very faint.
Very helpless.
Couldn’t she just break the wall and have both sides? Did she not deserve that? She wished she did, but knew she did not. The decision had already been made, but she did not want to accept it. The air was getting warmer and damper, her long black hair being weighed down by the accumulating water vapor. She wanted to let the weight pull her down to the floor. She wanted to lay down and open up.
Shouldn’t she be crying right now? She wondered that. No tears fell down her face. No desire to throw herself down and bawl presented itself. It was as if her logic, emotions, opinions, and every other part of herself had already made the decision a long time ago, but a lasting desire was keeping her… down.
Maternal. Female. Woman. Girl.
In the midsts of it all… After all she had gone through… After all that Revan had gone through… She was still female. That was the part of her that was fighting back against all the logic and emotions that were presenting themselves. It was an irrational feeling that felt that it could transcend every part of her. It desperately wanted to win, but was too blind to realize that it had already lost.
Nearly an hour had past, and soon her window of opportunity would close. The choice was now fully before her and would be made regardless of any illusion of free will. Which life to take? She knew it was a foolish question to ask. She knew what she had done… what Revan had done during the wars. The lives that had been taken, given, sacrificed in the name of the goal. She knew herself and what she had done, and already knew what to do.
“I’m sorry,” She said to the empty room, “You have to go now… I have to go now. Neither you, nor I deserve to be here any longer.”
She reached out with the Force and touched the choice that was in her. She reached into emotions to grasp that man’s face and everything attached to it. She reached in and grasped the chains to the only person that could do the right thing. She gripped herself one last time and knew that it was time to go…
She grasped them, closed her eyes… then crushed all within her grasp. In one moment she knew she had made her choice. In one moment she knew this life she had tried to manufacture for herself was over. It was never her place to find love. It was never her place to care for a life. Her place was separate from the world of others. She knew it was her duty to do more and to grasp more than her own selfish thoughts.
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It was over. The choice had been made, and that life was lost. There was no going back.
She pulled her hand away from her belly and walked forward, staring at the foggy mirror. She reached a hand up and wiped the water off, seeing her own reflection staring back at her. It was odd that one moment was enough for her to look back at herself and know it was her. To know that she was in control again.
She snapped her fingers and the shower stopped, the door to the bathroom opening as well as she walked back into the empty apartment. It was dark, but she could see well enough to made her way to a cheap desk. She opened it up, pulled out a small piece of paper and pen, and wrote one word. She stared at it for a moment, letting the word flow through her. She turned and placed the note on the bed, then grabbed a communicator that had been sitting on her discarded robe. She chose the com channels of her crew, but left out two people in her message:
“Pack your things and meet me on the Ebon Hawk in an hour. We are leaving,” She stated, then turned the communicator off.
An hour later, she walked, fully robed, through the doors of the hanger bay. Before her was the Ebon Hawk, sitting in a bask of white-blue light. Her crew stood by the lowered ramp, looking at her anxiously as she approached.
“Get on. We’re leaving.” Revan said simply, walking past them without a glance up the ramp and into her ship.
She could hear their questions, but ignored them. She headed down the dark corridors of the Hawk to end up at the cockpit, sitting down in the pilot seat and switching buttons on to prepare for departure. She could hear someone hurrying down the corridor to her as she prepared the ship.
“Avery, Bastila and Carth aren’t here yet!” Mission exclaimed, running through the doorway into the cockpit.
“I know.” Revan replied, switching more buttons on as the Engines hummed to life.
“You… You know?” Mission asked slowly. “Then why are we leaving without them?”
“Because I cannot take them were I am going.” Revan replied.
Mission paused for a moment before continuing. “And… where are you going?” She questioned.
“Where do you want to go?” Revan asked, looking over the computer screens in front of her.
Mission thought his over for a moment. “Where… What do you mean?”
“Where do you want to go?” Revan asked again, pressing a few buttons to open up the Navi-computer by her seat.
“I don’t-” Mission started.
“I am asking you where you want me to drop you off, because you cannot come with me either.” Revan said sternly.
“I want to stay here! With you, Carth, Bastila, Big-Z and everyone else!” Mission said, her temper flaring.
“I am not an option in this situation. Make your choice, or I’ll make it for you.” Revan said coldly, the Engine’s now at a ready hum.
Mission tried to talk, but was too surprised to pull the words up. “You… you don’t want me here anymore? Ave… what happened? Do you want to talk?”
Revan paused, leaning back in the pilot chair to look out at the Coruscant cityscape before her. “I had a choice, and I made my decision. Now I have to go.”
“What… choice?” Mission asked nervously.
“Avery, or Revan.” Revan replied simply.
Mission stepped backwards a few steps, the answer causing her heart to beat faster. “You… you chose Revan?”
“Of course I did.” Revan answered.
Missions voice faltered as she tried to find words to describe what she was feeling. “But… Carth. And Malak! And everything we did!” She seemed to be torn between frustration and anger. “You can’t just-”
The ship jerked as Revan pulled on the stick, causing the Hawk to slowly rise in the air. “I’m not in the mood right now, Mission. Make you choice, or get the hell out of my face.” Revan said with almost no emotion as the ship sped out of the hanger bay.
“You… you can’t… Carth and Bastila are-!” Mission beggd.
“I said tell me where you want to go or get the hell out of my face, Mission.” Revan replied said coldly.
Mission stared at her friend for a moment. “Ave… what happened?” Mission asked in earnest.
Revan did not say anything as the ship sped up into the sky. Within minutes, the stars of Space could be seen in all directions, the sound of the engines dying to a low hum as the Hawk soared into open space. Mission stayed in the doorway the whole time, however.
“Ave…” Mission spoke up again.
“I had to make a choice, Mission. I had to.“ Revan started “I had to choose between two different lives, but in the end there was only one option…” She paused again to sit back in the pilot chair. “I had to finish what I had started.”
“Why?” Mission asked, stepping back into the cockpit.
“Because the wheels were already turning. Because I had sacrificed billions of lives to get where I am today, and to get things where they are at this moment.” Revan sighed deeply, moving her hair out of her face with one hand. “Because Revan is not only a person… She is a plan. An ideal. She is an ideal that needed billions of lives to succeed, and it would be an incredible insult to every single one of them if Revan were to not finish what she had started.”
Mission was confused for a moment, but allowed it to sink in. “And… what is that?”
“Exactly what I’ve been doing all along… and all alone.” Revan said. She did not say to leave, but there was a finality in her tone that told Mission that she would get nothing more out of her. Revan did not hear Mission leave, but knew she had. She knew she was alone again, and that there was no going back.
She was silent for a long time.
She knew what she had done. She knew what she had to do. What she did not know was…
Why she couldn’t stop crying.
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Carth opened up door to the dark apartment. He looked around and called for Revan’s name, but to no reply. He reached to switch on the light, but then something caught his eye. He walked over to the bed and picked up the single, small piece of paper that had been left behind. He read the single word and knew what had happened…
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“Goodbye”