2 years after TSO...
STAR WARS
The Jedi Order
Jaden Korr,leader of the jedi has incresed the jedi amount to the number
to the amount there was when Luke was the leader.Darth Nilin's student
Darth Strander,was killed when he had attacked the jedi,Nilin had not been
heard from since.Mordale now was a jedi master and Luke Knight............
Chap 1 coming soon
Bios
Name: Darth Nilin
Age:33
Apprentice:None
Weapon:Red saber
Aligned:Sith/Jedi
Home planet:Vavin 4
Name:Connor
Age:20
Master:Luke Korr
Weapon:Blue saber
Aligned:Jedi
Home planet:Skylerc
Chap 1 later
FEEDBACK please
Ok Chapter 1 Connor’s message,
It was a good day, Connor thought. Then he saw his parents holding a Holopad. “This is for you son said his dad giving it to him”. “Thanks dad he replied activating it”. A face appeared. “You have been chosen to enrollee a spot in the Jedi temple said Jaden.
Please respond in 4 hours”.
Connor was on his way to Yavin 4, to become a jedi. Then someone asked him “who are you”? “I’m Connor, you are he replied”. “Chris Penin, son of Rosh he replied”. “We our landing on Yavin said the pilot”. “Great said Chris”.
“Since there our still few of us we will sign multiple students to 1 master continued Jaden. Connor you will be assigned to Luke Korr, Chris you will be assigned to your father”. “Okay, Connor lets start your training said Luke”.
Same training as Jaden in JA…
“Good job, your improving said Luke”. “Thanks said Luke”.
Stay tuned for Chap 2
The first misson
A lot better. Written better, but still needs improving slightly. I think Niner was right when he said you would improve in this Fanfic. Good Chapter.
Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic
the idea is good, but please pay a little more attention to the grammar and the punctuation :), in the story that is. normal posts dont bother
Thanks, Pottsie have any ideas for your a fic
It's a new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL.
When's Chapter 2 coming?
Chapter one was good. You're definitly improving. Still, some of the quotations could be fixed.
It's new Fic. Anyway, I have an idea. Either have an ancestor of either Kyle Katarn or Jaden Korr or just have a completely new person. I think I'll do a completely new person. It will either be set after TSL or two thousand years after TSL.
When's Chapter 2 coming?
working on now,btw RC 1162 did you read TSO this is a sequel to it
Chapter 2 The first mission,
“Okay ready for your first mission Connor” Luke asked. “Yes sir” said Connor. “Okay some mercenaries found a planet and they want us to check it out since there scout never came back” said Luke. “Lets go” Connor replied.
“Here’s the planet” said Luke. “Good replied Connor let’s get down there”. They landed.
“Sir, a shuttle has landed” said the commander. “Good, must be the other mer. send stormtroopers to… dispose of them” the Sith replied.
“Master, stormtroopers are approaching” said Connor. “I see them” he replied. They shot. Then the jedi activated there sabers, blocking the shots. Connor flipped up, landed behind the stormtroopers and cut off there heads. “Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied.
“Sir the stormtroopers have disappeared off the radar” said an officer. “Send a sith then” said the commander.
The sith moved through the trees, planning his attack. Then the master, moved and he was off guard off a second. The sith jumped, pulling the master toward him. But the jedi slammed his elbow into the sith’s side. This brought the saber down cutting the jedi’s hand off, then the apprentice jumped up and stabbed the sith killing him.
“Thanks, Connor” Luke said after they attached a mech. arm on. “No problem master said Connor the he grinned I only saved your life”.
“My lord, the sith is dead” said the commander. Then the sith stabbed the commander saying “You have failed me for the last time commander”.
Stay tuned for chap 3
The new war
The sith is Nilin
it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics
it was good, the only problem is that you dont put any feeling into your story, it sounds like your reading a history book or something, if you want seom examples of feeling check out mine or pottsies fanfics
I have to agree with jedi_exile here. Anyway it was good, but if you want to read better examples of Fics, check out The Plight of Darkness, Mace Windu: Jedi Master Reborn, The Adventures of Jolee Bindo, The Crystal of Life and Hidden Shades of Grey.
im reading tcol already im on page 3 ind i've read MWJMR it was the second fanfic i ever read
Good chapter. Some ideas that I've come up with to improve your writing could be giving more detail of the surroundings and the characters' appearences. Also, like jedi_exile said, put more feeling into it. Make people be able to relate to the characters possibly. Give them realistic feelings. Those are just some things that I thought of while reading it. Nice work.
thanks i hope chap 3 is today
a new treat is born
Chapter 3 The New Weapon
“The droid is complete, my lord” said new the commander. “Good” replied the sith.
“Master Luke, we must move out” said Connor. “No, tell the merch. that the planet is not
safe and to never return, replied Luke. Then were leaving, lets go”.
They were now flying back to Yavin 4 with the merch fling behind, when one of the
merch ship blew up Connor Gasped in horror as the ship burst into flames. “I have a bad
feeling about this” said Luke. As a sith fighter appeared blasting the hell out of another
ship destroying it. “Make that 2” said Connor. The merch with them was so terrified it
was hard keeping him from killing himself. Suddenly Connor jumped up and grabbed the
controls. “What the hell are you doing” yelled Luke. But Connor didn’t answer, he
grabbed the comlink told the other ships something then hit a button 3 times. Feeling
confident Connor quickly zoomed up as 3 seismic bombs exploded destroying the sith.
“Good move Connor” said Luke. “Thanks master” Connor replied.
“Send the army to Yavin there I will revel myself along my new weapon” said the sith.
When the jedi reached the jedi temple it was completely deserted except for Jaden.
“Where is everyone” Connor asked Luke? “We learned the temple is going to be attacked
soon after you return, we are exactly 30 yards away on the south side covered up
completely” Jaden replied.
The sith named Nilin planed for the attacked, General Grievous III would sneak into
The front using his invisibility cloak. As the army attacked all around the temple woods
since the jedi new of the attack. Nilin would go with GG3 into the temple.
Nilin felt they would win…
Stay tuned for Chap 4 Attack on the temple
Name: General Grievous III
Weapon: Vader’s saber, the saber Sidious lost in the fight with Yoda, Revan’s saber,
and Nilius’s saber.
Equipment: Saber proof armor, and the force and invisibility cloak.
Aligned: Sith/felloow kyeesh army
i desided to make this a trilogy :D:D
EDIT: FEEDBACK please!
ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly.
ok the problem is that when your story is being read it sounds like you are reading a script, not a intresting story. you need to put details in every thing and how the characters react and what they are thinking. if your story could walk it would move like a robot, it wouldnt flow like a human does, i hope that makes sence to you and that you take this as constructive critisism, not harshly.
I agree, but good. Also Sidious didn't lose his Lightsaber, Yoda lost his. I once had a General Grevious II. Maybe you should do that. And Invisiblity Cloak. Isn't that off Harry Potter? I think you mean a Stealth Field Generator (Off KOTOR/TSL).
not really a cloak just like in SWTESB the officer says no ship that small a invisiblity
cloak thats what i mean. i thought they both lost them...
Or what about a portable cloaking device, lol. Wait, no, that's Star Trek. :D
Good chapter, connor.
thanks niner
EDIT: im now working on chapter 4
Chapter 4 Attack on the Temple
The fleet landed on Yavin 4 30 yards North of the temple. The army started to move aro-
und the temple to the south planning to attack the jedi. While GGIII and Nilin went to the
temple... Nilin was now in the temple, he had told GGIII to go to find and steal all thejedi
holocrones while he went to Jaden’s private quarters. For 2 hours Nilin watched the battle
till GGIII returned. “Lord Nilin, I found all the jedi holocrones and this jedi who was
returning to the temple” said GGIII. “Good said Nilin satisfied .I could make him my
new apprentice, but now we must leave”.
When they reached the ship they heard the battle was getting closer. “Hurry general” said
Nilin. Suddenly 3 jedi and a sith appeared. The sith doing a flip landed and cut a jedi in
Half, quickly turning to the next and was about to kill him when the 3rd removed hishead.
“Master Luke Connor yelled help”. 1 of the jedi turned noticing them, and then charged.
Nilin pushed him back into a tree knocking him out grabbing Connor he jumped into the
ship after GGIII.
1 year later…
The jedi had been severely damaged after the fight for the temple and had gone into
hiding. Connor had turned to the dark side and was now known as Darth Grivis and his friend Darth Zan
okay guys need help on making a good cool sith name
for Connor
Name:Connor/Darth Grivis
age:21
weopon:Red x-saber
Master:Nilin/luke
Alinged:Sith/jedi
Home planet:Skylerc
Name: Darth Zan
age:21
weopon:Red x-saber
master:Nilin
alinged:Sith
home planet:Skylerc
Darth Shadow? Though it sounds a bit cheesy. Good Chapter that could still use some editing.
thanks pottsie darth shadow hummm its okay
Interesting. I wasn't expecting Connor to turn to the dark side. Good chapter.
thanks ninner, Darth Shadow and Darth Grivis is the best so far...any more?
after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1
after this trilogy im going to write a story about darth maul after ep 1
I was thinking of doing a Fanfic like that once. Then I realised Maul went through Naboo's core and would have died anyway. Also, not trying to be rude or anything, but you must learn to improve your grammar and punctuation.
im working on chap 5 I've made Connor Darth Grivis btw any news on AOLS and ATR
Chapter 5 The days of Grivis
Darth Grivis was in a battle, fighting for the sith against the jedi and the republic. He
flipped up removing a rebel’s head, then he charged at a jedi using the force to rip the
jedi into. “Sir a sith wants to see you he is not in our army said an officer. He’s in the
Command post”. Grivis opened the Command Post to find a Zabrack in front of him.
Years earlier, Maul was falling strait through Naboo’s core. When he noticed a stump
like the jedi had grabbed. He grabbed it, with one hand grabbing his legs with the other,
he grabbed a cable gun from his utility belt and dropped the legs. He activated the gun
shooting it but made himself go down to grab his legs. Then pulled up, when he reached
the top of the cable he stopped and attached the gun to him and the legs, so they would
not fall. He got his second cable gun and shot it up taking the first with him when he
reached the top he shot the first. He continued till he was out. He used some crap in his
robe to re-attach him to his legs.
He flew to Korriban to find a sith medical droid. It attached his legs to him properly. He
went to a freezing plant and programmed a droid to free him after the sith return…
After hearing the story Grivis called his master. Nilin was astonished to hear the story
and told Maul to help when the battle and he would join the sith in 3rd command.
Grivis with Maul continued killing rebels, the jedi had left to help other soldiers retreat.
Grivis jumped up using the force to open the ground making thousands of troops fall
into hell.
Maul was promoted to 3rd command of the war to fight for the Empire.
Name: Darth Maul
Age: Over 80 but still is young
Weapon: Double red-saber
Master: Darth Sidious
Aligned: Sith
Home world: What ever the Zabrack planet is
Species: Zabrack
Zabrack is spelt Zabrak, the homeworld is Iridonia and one question. How can Maul still be young as an eighty year old? He isn't like Yoda, he can't live for 900 years. Anyway, alright Chapter.
1 thanks for planet
2 He was frosen so he didn't age or grow
Btw im posting chap 6 tomarrow
Name: Darth Vox
Age: 21
Weapon: Duel red sabers
Master: Darth Kagrun
Aligned: Sith
Home world: Skylerc
Species: Human
Chapter 6 Return of Vader
A sith student named Darth Shadow, had snuck into a tomb on Korriban…Shadow winced in pain a boulder had hit his arm cutting him, he moved through the hall looking for a tomb to open for fun. He saw one and opened it seeing nothing but a staff. He recognized it innately it was a scepter. The sith flew to Endor to look for the body of Vader. Seeing the grave he moved toward it. When his dead master appeared saying “go back to Korriban and destroy the tomb that you got the scepter from there is something else”. Taking the scepter from Shadow he reformed Vader…back on Korriban Shadow had destroyed the tomb and found a shinning tiny star. His master reappeared. “Touch it apprentice”. Shadow touched it and his hand disintegrated. “Ahaaaa” Shadow screamed in pain. “You have resurrected all the sith and jedi said his master. The jedi are being hunted down by the new sith. They all appeared on Dantooine. We appeared here…” he could say no more Shadow had died…
Vader flew to Skylerc searching for this Darth Nilin. “Hello Vader” said a voice. “Hello, Nilin” Vader replied. Go to Korriban your army is waiting for you.
Grivis ran trough the streets looking for Zan and Vox. Then he saw them “where have you guys been Grivis asked. Nilin is here, he wants to see us… Yes master Nilin…” Grivis started. “Vader is now first command of a new army of dead then alive sith. I want your squad to find out how they returned, leave immediately.
Okay... Two things to say about this Chapter. First, thanks for using my Shadow name. Second, resurrecting Vader was a bad idea, because, he died good at the end of ROTJ, so he wouldn't be evil. It was an okay Chapter.
He did not resurrec the good part of Vader only the bad
Good last two chapters. I'm not sure if I like resurrecting Vader because he did die good, but Vader was such a baddie in his time that it seems kind of cool. lol
Well he would be resurrected anyway every sith and jedi where.
Chapter 7 The Mystery
Grivis moved trough the hall on Korriban. He had found a boulder with blood on it. He felt a disturbance, soothing he had felt on Skylerc. He ducked just as a saber went over his head. “Hello jedi, I’m going to kill you this time” said the sith. Grivis flipped up cutting the sith’s hand. “One thing, I’m not a jedi anymore I’m a sith” said Darth Grivis. He stabbed him. He continued down the hall till he reached a tomb. “Welcome Grivis” said a voice. “Stander” Grivis replied. Pushing him out a crack then sealed it. “What the hell” Grivis saw the scroll.
Maul moved down the hall of the jedi temple on Dantooine. “SITH” yelled a voice. A jedi ran to Maul then stopped. “Maul” said Obi-wan said in surprise. Maul sung his saber at Kenobi. Missing barley. There sabers clashed so hard Obi-wan staggered. Maul pushed him and jumped through a hole that led to his ship. He looked back at Kenobi feeling revenge. He flew off to Skylerc.
Nilin felt that Maul had failed but Grivis had seceded.
Grivis yelled to Vox and Zan telling them that they must leave. “Why” Vox asked? “Because, Grivis replied Mission complete” he said reading the scroll: To all you wonder how we returned a sith named Darth Shadow had found a midichlorian star. When he touched it he was disengaged, but he rescued us. The rest was burned but it was enough thought Grivis. They flew off to Skylerc. (i was going to end the chap here but I wanted action.)
They flew over Mygeeto when a ion cannon shot there wing forcing them to the ground.
They jumped up and landed on the ground as the ship blew up. A jedi slashed at Grivis as he flipped up and stabbed the jedi. Vox removed one’s head and Zan cut one in half. Vox and Zan were pushed into a fly-pod (escape-pod but instead of going to planet it leaves a planet and goes to another.). It left set to Skylerc. A jedi pushed Grivis as he stabbed another jedi, the jedi put cuffs on Grivis and through him into a brig.
Stay tuned for Chapter 8 The escape
One thing I must say is, well done! You've improved in your grammar and punctuation (Though there is still some room for improvement). Keep it up!
Also good Chapter.
next chap is going to have action
Chapter 8 The Escape
When Grivis awoke the first thing he felt was the pain. He had been hit on the head by a stone from the roof. Then the roof collapsed, sending stones everywhere. Above the roof were a shield and an elevator. He started moving down. Through the shield door he noticed tons of jedi. Then the lift stopped at the very bottom. The door deactivated.
He walked out noticing a dead jedi with keys. He used the force to pull the keys to him.
“Hello Grivis said a jedi. As you think, we are not jedi some of us our ex-jedi and some ex-sith. We our known as the Cruins. I am the leader of the Cruins, Tyler Frye”. “Nice to meet you” replied Grivis as he finally unlocked the cuffs. He jumped up using the force to pull his saber from Tyler’s cloak. Tyler jumped back activating a saber Grivis had never seen. “You are trained in the ways of the x-saber as I am trained the ways of the Y-saber. (Like an x-saber but they hold it up like a normal saber and it only has 2 sabers on the top,>== held up.) Grivis shrugged, no mater I’ll kill him anyway he thought. He jumped up, flipping to Tyler. Tyler attacked from the side, but Grivis ducked. Grivis moved back, and then charged. He slashed, making a saber lock. Grivis grinned as he tripped Tyler with his foot. He flicked his saber then stabbed Tyler.
Suddenly the blast doors opened and thousands of Cruins surrounded Grivis. He was pushed to the ground. Thinking hard Grivis made up a force move. He got up, using the force to open the ground so far it led to hell. Everyone fell except him. Then he sealed the ground back up. He went to hangar bay 526 to steal Tyler’s ship. Then he killed the passengers and flew to Skylerc. He pulled out Tyler’s Y-saber. “Lord Nilin, I have a gift for you as he made another one. He put a bomb in the new one. When it was activated it would blow up killing Nilin.
Tyler groaned in pain, he had been stabbed. He changed his name to his old sith name, Darth Nordis. Found his spare ship and flew after Grivis.
Name: Darth Nordis
Age:43
Weopon: Y-saber
Spices:Human
Home world:Corasant
Good, however I still think the action is a bit fast.
I just got caught up. It's good. Keep writing and you'll keep getting better.
okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus.
okay guys need help, should Grivis aprintice be Darth Arca or Darth Forus.
Up to you, but I'd say both. Both because Kreia did it with Sion and Nihilus.