This is my first fanfic so bear with me and I am grateful for comments. Chapter 2 will be posted when I finish writing it:)
Chapter 1:Beginnings
Up until four thousand years ago the Avalonian peoples lived in a relative isolation from the Republic save for a few of the most daring explorers. All that changed when the Jedi known as Revan entered their space and convinced its peoples to join the Republic. That was of course after aiding the planet in a war against something called the "True Sith" and a longtime enemy known as the Rashikians. Even though the system was a part of the Republic, few of its people ever ventured into the Core Worlds to live there. That all changed four millenia later.
It is said that Avalonians are much like the extinct clans of the Mandalorians; possessing a fierce agression and a seeming lust for battle. Though it is true, this people also followed a code of honor that seemed to follow along the lines of the Jedi Code. It was due to Revan that their demeanor changed and they adopted this code. Until recently, this was unknown to the Republic until the Lord Governor Atrius agreed to let his baby daughter be trained in the ways of the Jedi at the Temple on Coruscant. She was the first but not the last.
Ashira-Li Starlighter was the youngest of her people to attain the level of Jedi Knight. She exhibited a skill with a lightsaber blade that had not been seen since the days of Tulak Horde and had a unique command of the Force. Due to her abilities, the Council preferred that she remain on Coruscant to help instruct the younglings. Often she would go on missions with a Master and apprentice, an odd thing considering Jedi are often seen single or in pairs. As a Jedi, she was rather a rule breaker. She followed the Jedi way but never saw eye to eye with the masters preferring to see the shades of grey. It was because of this that she was sent on diplomatic missions and it was one such mission where she learned a secret that opened a nest of hungry mynocks.
It was after a training tutorial with another master that she was summoned to the Council chambers. Most of the pupils didn't give it a second thought since she was always summoned there for one reason or another. At the Council chambers she was given a mission to return to Bandomeer to settle a conflict that had arisen between the two dominate mining corporations. She was to accompany Master Qui-gon and his padawan as a representative of her homeworld with a secured goods case as a peace offering.
On board the ship the Lightning Rod, they were attacked by a band of pirates. An old friend was onboard to help by the name Kaedra Beyros, considered a Jedi of some sort. Kaedra had followed them because he sensed a trap and the trap had been strung. Unconcious, Ashira-Li and Obi-wan were taken prisoner along with two cases.
When Ashira-Li and Obi-Wan awoke on board the pirate ship, they were being scrutinized by Count Torrence, an exiled Avalonian. He was pleased and said, "I never thought I would see the day when I would meet my enemy again."
"What are you talking about?" she spewed forth.
"What," then a menacing laugh," you mean you don't know? Well I'll indulge you about a secret of your family. Let me tell you about a Jedi called Revan."
This looks like it is going somewhere. Quite short, i think, and not realy too much of personality of main characer included, but as i said i like where this is going.
Well it's supposed to be about Revan. The meat are the lost tales after REvan disappeared into the Unknown Regions. The key person who is hearing this is relatively minor. When I finish chapter 2 you'll see what I mean.
History on Revan. This sounds good. Keep it up.
"As you know young one, Revan came into the Unknown Regions and met up with our people and fought against those that called themselves the True Sith and they were aided by our enemies the Rashikians..."
"You would have done well to have joined them," Ashira-Li interrupted for she disliked being held against her will. One of her flaws was her tendency to send things flying if she was in a place she did not go willingly or as instructed by the council. Her captors noted it and had a special room made where they were now.
"And you would do well to listen to how Revan and your family ruined everything we built. Now where was I? Oh yes, Revan was leading a batallion of our people to protect the central planet of our system. My forces were to cover the escape routes the Sith would have taken..."
"Yeah, yeah I've heard this part, seven days it took to win the battle. Revan was victorious and the Rashikians driven out. Afterwards she was asked to become one of our people where it is said she lived for the remainder of her days with the one she loved," she said rather impatiently but it was masking a series of cues she was giving to Obi-wan who slid into a role of confusion and waiting.
"Did you also know that on that battle that she left us to die and that we were expendable," Count Torrence countered failing to get a rise out of her.
"That part I missed but if it were you I wouldn't want you around either."
"Such strength," and his finger stroked her cheek, "Just like her mother and just like Revan. I wonder if...maybe we should discuss this another time?"
"Just to let you know, Exile, we won't be staying here much longer," and with a push that sent her captors flying, Ashira used the Force to summon her lightsaber and cut her and Obi-wan free who caught her drift that she would find a way out. The Togorains roared to go after them. Count Torrence simply said, "Let her go, she will find the truth. Release all her information to our contacts in the Outer Rim. Time for a surprise."
Making their way out of the brig, they raced to the ventilation shafts and began to climb through it. At every junction, Ashira would place a little device to disable the trackers. They were able to make it to an escape pod and launched towards the planet below.
Meanwhile Kaedra was trying to explain the situation to Qui-gon, "She doesn't know this and hasn't known from the time she was born. It was for her safety."
"So she was hidden in the Jedi Temple all this time?"
"It was destined that she become a Jedi anyway. It was to keep her faraway from those that still hold grudge from millenia earlier."
"We should plot a course along the last know trajectory once we land. If I know her she would find a way out and my padawan would be willing."
On the escape pod Ashira-Li was wondering what Count Torrence meant by what he said. She tried to convince herself that it was his hatred but it failed. She really didn't know anything about her family and yet somehow Torrence knew. Obi-wan was quiet, letting her think and guide the ship while thinking the same thing. The last thoughts running through her head before they touched on the planet were, "Was that battle a defeat or victory?"
The escape pod crash landed on the familiar planet of Bandomeer. Ashira-Li had been there before a while back when Offworld Corp. tried to ruin the Home Planet Mine. They were not hurt and were immediately greeted by some of the Meerian and Arconan miners. Clat'Ha was not there but a new face was. A rather tall and willowy fellow came and took them to the medical facilities for a diagnostic.
Ashira carefully answered her questions and that cued Obi-wan to do the same. The tall man introduced himself as Haras Garen. He took them to his apartments and made arrangements to find their Jedi master. He observed how she remained quiet so he decided to speak and startled he with, "How did you escape?"
Wary at the question but nevertheless surprised, she told of being kidnapped but Togorians and the interrogation. He said that he was familiar with her captor and what he told her of Revan was just bitterness. "You knew Revan?" she asked.
"Well, I knew the Sanga Kirabaros very well from a long time ago. I was there when he met Revan when she first arrived to our system. It was because of both that we were able to become strong enough to aid the Republic."
"When did you meet Revan?"
"I remember well and nothing gets in the way of a good story," and he began:
The Sanga, or better translated the Heart of the Guardian, saw Revan fall from the sky. The ship had been badly damaged but Revan was alright. It seemed as if a strange creature had accompanied her. I was there when we salvaged the ship and I was curious as to how the unique blast points got on it but no one was assuming anything.
Revan was rather beautiful, unusual and some of the warriors thought she was one of the legendary Handmaidens that are only spoken of in stories. She was accepted by Kirabaros, the Sanga, and told of the ancient evil that she was trying to destroy. The chief of the tribe said that the gods had sen a sign that we would become unified.
Revan seemed to fit well enough in the enclave and made a home for herself but was not completely accepted. Every day she and Kirabaros would try to get the ship's sensor's to work. On the day the straif cats attacked, Revan proved herself.
She rescued the children, for that is why the cats attacked. They know when the announcement of the children is and try to steal one or two. Kirabaros and her held them off but she ultimately saved all of them and Kirabaros from the queen. As an honor, she was made into one of us. Kirabaros didn't try to argue against them, I think it was because he too knew what it was like to be surrounded by a myth. He had been living with the myth of Kirabaros for almost three to four years. It started when he was seventeen.
That was how I met Revan and how Revan became one of our people. As to the various battles, different people and the archives know that I'm afraid. I was only there till I met her. I then came to the Outer Rim looking for work and trying to promote the sport of dueling. Now I'm just one of the mining supervisiors.
"It sounds like you made it up. How do we know that what you said is true about Revan?" Obi-wan posed the question.
Ashira was nervous and elbowed him to be quiet. It was rude to question someone as old as Haras. He just smiled and walked to a desk where there sat a chest. He brought it to where they were sitting and opened it. He said, "We know what we know because we were there. Besides those who have the stories each have pieces of a tablet that had been found by Revan and Kirabaros. Others have something of their possessions. They are scattered now. Hidden because of a secret that has been kept safe for four thousand years."
"Our captor mentioned something of a secret," Ashira explained.
"He would know since he was present when the tablet was broken. He doesn't know the details and I believe he has been trying to get it for centuries. The only clues to follow is that of the five planets. I believe I have a scroll here. Ahh. Here it is. I can't understand it. I think it's one of the languages of the tribes."
Ashira looked at it intently. She didn't tell anyone but she learned the languages of her people. She knew what she had to do. Looking at Haras she said, "We must find it before it is found by him."
Haras knew that she had to find this out on her own. He went to arrange to have a shuttle made ready.
I find the concept of this fic very interesting, and I'll enjoy following your story as it develops. Your 2nd and 3rd chapters are better and more descriptive than the first. While I could follow chapter one well enough, a few commas to cut down on the run-on sentences would make it even better. That's just a style thing and it's easy to fix, fortunately. I check out my grammar style guide every now and then for the nit-picky details. Consider slowing the pace down a little and adding more description to all the pieces, especially ch. 3, where you have a ton of information and activity. I use a page separate from the main story (or journal article, or whatever I'm writing at the time) to jot down my action ideas, outline, and snips of conversation that I think might be fun to include--that way, I didn't feel like I have to write them all down in the main story in order to remember them all. I hate coming up with something that sounds really cool and then forgetting it because I didn't have it jotted down somewhere. :)
I can tell you're visualizing something really cool, but I can only see what you describe to me in your story. The more details you add, the better I'll be able to recreate that picture in my mind, too. If I say, "the sky is blue," you'll get a picture of a blue sky, but it doesn't tell you anything else. Compare that picture to this: "the sky was a shade of robin's egg blue, the kind of sky that one usually sees on a clear May morning. The unusually warm morning caused an ever-so-slight haze, but otherwise no clouds could be seen floating by. There was no hint of the tremendously violent storms that would rip through the little village later that day." You get a much better sense of just what kind of sky I'm seeing in my head. If you use more details, I'll be able to see your vision of Ashira even better. I'll find out her likes, dislikes, history, personality, how she looks, and so on from the way you describe her, her conversations with others, and how she acts in any given situation. I hope that doesn't come across to harsh, because in general I do like it. I just happen to be a. a bit sleep-deprived at the moment, and b. on some pain meds because I hurt my arm a few days ago (happily, no big deal now), so if it comes across as overly critical, please forgive me!
Please keep writing! I'm really looking forward to your next installment.
Thanks for the tip Jae. This one I wrote at the spur of the moment with no formal planning. Heart of the Guardian is different in that I planned it better. I was going to take all the posts that I made for this one and put it on a word doc so I can work on it when I get a chance. I'll try to put more details in.
Great job so far JediMaster12. This is a very interesting concept indeed. Keep up the marvelous work.
Ashira-Li and Obi-wan had taken off in the shuttle and were just leaving the atmosphere when Qui-gon and Kaedra landed on Bandomeer. Haras knew to expect them and ushered them in. Qui-gon remembered the etiquette that Ashira constantly reminded him of when confronting one of her people and he accepted the hospitality though his impatience was showing. Haras noticed the expression but made no rush to say anything but rather observed the rules of proper behavior and serving tea. Settling down on the cushions, Kaedra spoke first, “We seek that which is lost.”
“Yes, I know. They had just left when you arrived,” Haras replied and sipped his tea.
“You didn’t try to stop them?” Qui-gon asked.
“Why should I when she decided that she was going to learn what she had forgotten,” Haras replied. His comment was more directed to Kaedra.
Swallowing a bit, Kaedra said, “You know that she was exiled from the Bushida for following you and that business with Xanatos. Well, she is seeking out the masters who know of her family.”
“Why would she do that and drag my padawan into it?”
“Perhaps a connection exists between them. Trained together they did?” Haras asked.
“Yes, as younglings,” Qui-gon replied.
“Let me explain something,” Kaedra began.
The shuttle made its way into the Unknown Regions, straight to the Avalonian system. It was by habit that Ashira-Li decided to land on Andorra. She was familiar with the enclaves that were hidden there but in the troubled times, many were destroyed from local disputes and the masters had scattered. Knowing the risks, she decided to land the ship in the main port. There was already enough suspicion in the air and she decided that there was no need to add to it.
Almost immediately they were greeted by the local security forces and they were not in a mood to chat. The leader of the forces, Lt. Sakiyana asked them to halt, “You are to be detained for the time being.”
“Any reason why lieutenant?” Obi-wan asked.
“You are being held pending investigation of the supply vessel that was sabotaged on its way to Bandomeer,” was the brusque reply.
“What was so special about that rust bucket anyway?” Obi-wan responded.
“I can’t answer that for the moment. You are to be escorted to the detention center until quarters can be made for you. In the meantime, you will have to surrender your personal arms and any druids until the inspection is complete. Do you understand this?”
“Yes,” Ashira-Li responded before Obi-wan could say anything.
“Good,” and Sakiyana led them to the force cages in the detention center.
Once alone, Ashira-Li sat on the ground in a cross-legged fashion and mused more to herself than Obi-wan, “I had forgotten.”
“Forgot what?” Obi-wan asked.
“Forgot the planet, the people, everything. When I was…when I left, I left behind everything and did what I could to forget it.”
“Ah and when you forget that part of you, you are no longer whole,” a cryptic voice startled them both.
“Who are you,” Obi-wan demanded.
“I am Krayus. Pardon for my intrusion.”
“Why are you being held?” Ashira-Li asked.
“The Force has willed it,” that was enough for them both to realize that they were speaking to a Jedi.
Curious, Ashira-Li asked, “How did you end up here?”
“Times are troubled now. I was on my way to Bandomeer myself searching for you Handmaiden.”
“You are mistaken.”
“Your manner tells me you are a Handmaiden but keep to your past and we will focus on the now. Patience we must have if we are to be able to leave this place,” and Krayus closed her eyes and began to meditate. Following suit, Obi-wan and Ashira-Li did the same. Just being on the planet was a faint energy source reconnecting to what was once lost.
The thing is why the heck is Qui gon & obi her beacus eif you pay attnetion on the first one & read the stuff when it is loading you would know the kotors are set 1million years before the films & i dopnt think revan would live that long do you? so your stroy is wrong.
It is called the Lost Tales for a reason. It is 4,000 years later and one of Revan's descendants is learning about her from various kinds of her people who knew her. Her people have been known to live for millenia. KOTOR takes place 4,000 years BEFORE TPM. Should have caught the gist of it.
Hey JM12, I was just reading this again, since it is one of your first Fics and I like it, only reading the first Chapter, since I'm offline soon. It seems to be a Sequel to your Heart of the Guardian Trilogy and the Heart of Deception Fic. I swear Ashira-Li is from your Broken Wounds Heal Fic too. I'm sorry if you didn't want to see this Fic resurrected, but I believe that once you finish the Heart of Deception Fic, you should consider returning to this and finishing it off and editing the previous Chapters with how you write now. That's just my opinion though and you're the writer so it's up to you.