and i agree with machievelli, so just mind your own business. besides, nobody said that we had to give you guys reviews on the stories you write. remember that. ;)

as for hyperlinking, I'm an old man who remembers when a computer as powerful as this POS of mine needed a 20 by 20 room with seven half inch wide, ten inch reel tape drives. I don't know HOW to hyperlink

:rofl: POS...

Good job :)

...you can expect the critique of the critic in about a week :D

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!

um, good luck.
and if you were serious about the hyperlinking bit, go here (http://www.lucasforums.com/misc.php?do=bbcode) and scroll down to the hyperlinking bit

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGGGG GGGHHHHHHHHH!
Poor guy. I can only imagine through what kind of hell is he going to pass. Good luck!

*raises hand*

Can I be the critic critic critic?

sure, and ill be the critic critic critic critic

16 Dec

Rescue from Mustafar
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155005)

65 Years after the Battle of Yavin, Three Jedi face the legendary HK47

The action is fast and furious, which is good, but the author is compressing it, making it more like a series of movie clips than a coherent story. Like watching just the commercials, and saying you saw the movie. A story must be coherent beyond the action sequences. There must be an underlying bed of created reality to keep the readers on track. This type of thing can work for a movie, but tends to fail in the written work.
The main problem with this work is the writer is trying to bridge a 4,000+ year gap and cannot do it seamlessly. There is no explanation why a robot over 4,000 years old is still running around, why a droid army which was shut down in Revenge of the Sith is still operational, and why they had to name a ship the II, when after 4,000 years I am sure a few others had been christened with that name.
It needs work, but it will work if it is cleaned up.

Fall of the Jedi
RagingHippy212
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156400)

Very good. My only problem is there isn’t enough to keep me going. Write some more, kid.

The Plight of Darkness
ForceFightWme12
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=151361)

After the destruction of the Star Forge.
Revan and Bastila start at loose ends.

I have been asked several times to review this, and have held back to allow all the other reviews below it.
It was worth the wait.
The style is hesitant, and the author is right when she said she misspelled some things. It needs editing, and that is pretty much all I can say about it in a negative vein.
You’re good kid. Really good.


From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

Ben Skywalker: Father's Shadow
Obi Wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5585)
46 years after A New Hope
A Young Jedi teeters on the edge of the dark side.
The style is good but the writer tends to merely let the story drag him along instead of guiding it. Like a lot of young writers this is not a really bad thing. It just means he has to spend more time polishing his craft.


Double Legacy
Princess Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5652)

Set four and a half years after A New Hope. Luke and Leia travel to Naboo to find out about their mother.

The basic story is good but the writer is buried in minutiae at the start. This I believe is because like a lot of the younger generation, she was raised with visual rather than written entertainment. This is not a bad thing, but it does show in the writing style. It needs to be smoothed out, but that is what editing and rewriting is for.
The only problem she has that really needs addressing is the political system on Naboo. Remember that while Padme was called Queen Amidala in Phantom Menace, the title seems to be what they call their president, rather than a title that is passed on to the children. She started with the idea that being Padme’s son automatically made him King.
Again, a minor problem, easily corrected.


Victory Quest: The Growing of the Shadows
Sidious618

A continuation of his earlier work Revelations

Like revelations, he tells the story with news clips followed by vignettes. Well done.

Kotorfanmedia

Coming to Terms
xenzen
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=456)

Between Kotor 1 and II.
There is a reason Jedi shouldn’t love...
Kotorfanmedia does what they call dueling circles, a round-robin story line. I have left them alone mostly because the stories, due to having other writers putting their oars in, in inconsistent.
However xenzen has outdone himself with this segment. The angst of a couple loving each other, yet arguing about something as simple as how to treat a young adult is excellent.

Carth Vs Revan
Carthlover64
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=453)

Set after the destruction of the Star Forge. Revan and Carth face the fact that they might not be together...

I’ve never been much for romance writing. The work is clean and workmanlike, with a deep understanding of the problems of having a forbidden relationship. It isn’t my cup of tea, but if you enjoy love scenes, I would suggest reading it all.

Debt
lastofthelineage
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=464)

Set after KOTOR I
A redeemed Malak must prove Revan is innocent of a heinous crime.

There aren’t many stories out there where Malak was redeemed, and this was the first I have read. The style is excellent, and only needs editing to make it first class.

I see, that you've given me a somewhat bad review. But don't worry, in the next two parts of my trilogy, I'm putting a lot more work into them.

Thanks for the review! Note to self: Use spellcheck

Alkonium, I'll make a deal with you. I'll review you again next month. Check out the comment I PMed you.
Force, Edit, edit, edit.

Actually, I'm going to leave my story as is, and put a lot more work into the next parts, as there are too many parts of the story requiring a post-movie era setting.

Were getting there...soon my review shall dominate *evil laughter, thunder slaps me and RC1162* Good review :D

I am posting a little early so I can start my Yule celebration. Those who are going to be reviewed next should be warned that I will probably have a hangover next week.
That isn't true, I never have hangovers. But hey, it's a good excuse.

24 December
First, Happy Yule to my fellow Pagans. Merry Christmas to the Christians, Happy Hanukkah to the Jews, Solemn Tet to the Buddists Happy Boxing Day to Canadians

From Lucas Forums Coruscant Entertainment Center

Triumph of the Republic
Alkonium
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156087)

Continuation of story Rescue from Mustafar

The only complaints I have here are the same ones for Rescue from Mustafar..
Beyond that the action is excellent, storyline well done.

Path of Betrayal
Robqeldroma
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156628)

Set 50 years after KOTOR II: The Sith Lords
A young man is sent on a spy mission to infiltrate the Mandalorians
In the third section you misspelled feigning. No biggie.
While I am surprised sometimes by how bad some writing can be, I am refreshed when I find excellent ideas done well. Rob except for some editing problems and some misspelling, I have nothing bad to say about it.
Well done!

Star Wars: Victim of Betrayal
Sabretooth
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=155419)

Sequel to Invisible Hope, concurrent with Revenge of the Sith
When Order 66 was passed, some didn’t take it well..

The problem I have with Sabretooth’s work is it’s always good enough to keep me going, but he never writes it fast enough to keep me happy.

Very Well done. You mentioned the KOTOR prequel, let me know when it’s started.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater


In My Father's Shadow
Jedi Bounty
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5070)

The unknown daughter of Obi Wan Kenobi seeks her father even as evil forms around her.

First, it’s great to have a story that suggests that even Obi Wan was a youngster. The writing is excellent, the idea superb, and like a lot of you kids, only marred by editing and spelling problems. Keep it up!


All That Matters
princess_Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5692)

An alternate Universe version of Return of the Jedi.
Fighting a debilitating illness, Luke moves toward reconciliation with his father.

I don’t tend to like AU fiction but this is better than most I have read. As a possible outcome, it is well thought out. There was always the chance that Luke would either join his father, or the emperor. The writing style is a bit confusing, but not bad.

Jedi Outcast: Unlikely Heroes
Obi wan
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5860)

A team of unlikely heros must save the galaxy

In writing there is the idea that you can take the story from a book and crossover into it from reality. The movie Galaxy Quest comes to mind.
This is one of those stories. The basis being that the entire Star Wars universe is real and just over there in the unfashionable end of the galaxy resides our own Earth. If he had left it at that, all well and good. But he also had the ship land, be found by George Lucas who stole the idea for a series of moneymaking movies and sent it back off into space where it crash-landed on Earth yet again to pick up a bunch of kids.
The style is pure Obi Wan Read my postings of his work from 5 November, 26 November and 16 December, needing polish more than anything else.


From kotorfanmedia

After the Star Forge
azoq
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=413)
As the teaser says; “So what does the most famous heroine in the galaxy do after she’s defeated Darth Malak, destroyed the Star Forge and saved the Republic?”
“She goes on vacation,”
I thought it was horrible yet funny to have the Rakata homeworld suddenly become the most popular tourist trap in the galaxy. The writing is well done, and using the younger girl as the main character after Revan and Carth a good choice. Especially with the child’s attitude that the Jedi are an evil Elf like group that steals children. Worth a look.

Questions of Character
jiara
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=500)
After the destruction of the Star Forge, Carth asks Revan to marry him. The result...

Jiara had a lot of fun mixing angst, romance, and humor in this one segment. Having HK47 straining and grinding trying to be nice was the perfect touch. 18 people gave this a thumbs up on the site. It deserved them.

Silence Is Copper-toned
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=564)

listed as following ‘Future’s End” ”Slow Dissolve” and ”Lost and Found” by the same author, though it was posted before the last listed. With Katrina (Revan) going somewhere, her daughter by Carth Onasi reprograms HK47 with humorous results.

She’s done it again! I have yet to read anything of Rose’s that I have not liked. I just wish I was as prolific.

I'm beginning to think that you don't like me :( How come you haven't reviewed mine yet?

cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics :D *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

um, FFWM12 is a she, Mach. maybe you should change that

Well, I rarely find the time to write, but heck this thread is a real motivator device. Expect the next chapter in a few days, people.

About my KotOR Prequel:
I'm going to start it when I'm done with VoB (Which is not going to be too long).
The prequel is set about a year before KotOR and is divided in two books: "The Rise of Ancete" and "The Fall of the Sith Lord". The first book focuses on Ancete as a strategist for an Exchange crime lord, and his rise from the lowly galactic mafia to the position of the Admiral of the Sith Fleet. The first book also looks at Revan's betrayal and Malak's grudges. The second book concentrates on the strategies and tactics employed by Revan and Ancete and the contradictory tactics of Malak and his grudges. It also features Bandon and sets up the ground for the situation of things in KotOR. The end of the second book will be just minutes before the beginning of KotOR.

Whew...

Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

cuz yours and mine are on the top of the page and the list of best fanfics :D *evil laughter*
*thunder goes to slap me and JK707 again but i shoot it in the head before it's even close*

Oh, that's why :D *I tsk you for shooting thunder, but secretly agree with you* :rofl:

Actually, Triumph of the Republic isn't actually done yet, so could you wait until it is before reviewing it?

Let me know, and I will read it all and review it again if you want.

As for FFWM12, I apologize for changing her gender in my review. I have repaired the oversight,and she can put her skirt back on.
It's just rare when I write something like this that the one I'm reviewing doesn't complain first.

Bingle Jells

I noticed you made no mention of the fact that in my story, the Republic and the Yuuzhan Vong are allies. Is this to avoid contoversy, or because you're indifferent to that part?

How much do you know about history, kid? England was our mortal enemy through two wars, and a bosom budy from then on. Germany the same. Russia was friend, enemy, then friend again.
Considering when you have set it, a limited amount of working together made sense. I'm wondering if the alliance caused by the war between the Republic and Imperial Remnant will survive.

Got a review coming up soon Mach?

Oh, and like Alkonium, can you re-review VoB once it's done. It'll be somewhere between 10-20 chapters long.

Also, here's a porblem I've been having all this while. I don't use original words. Don't get me wrong, I have a reasonably vast vocabulary, but I just don't get the right words when I need them, which is why I often use the same words and phrases, or give awkward descriptions which can be easily solved by using a word or two. The words just don't pop into my head when I need them. Any ideas?

Let me know, Sabre.
Every writer has things they repeat ad nauseum. Don Pendleton in the Executioner series, Clive cussler with his last half dozen bookswhere he just had to inject a character of the same name.
When it's just words, try a thesaurus. The advantage of a computer, you can put it in, re-read the scene, and if that word doesn't work, just replace it. On the par, you haven't done that badly yet.
Besides, one thing I have constantly bemoaned in reading in the last half-century is that while there are more than 200,000 words in the English language, only about 4,000 are used even in College level texts.

By my estimate JD, two more weeks. Sorry.

:eek: :eek:You double posted, isn't that illegal if you're a person with a job on LF? ;)

I don't think I actually have a job here, Hallucination. I'm just the critic for Starwarsknight.com. Unless they make me a staff member, I don't work here.

^Its more of a job than being an ordinary member, so to me you'll be a staff member. Maybe an admin will put 'Status: Critic' under your avatar. (I doubt it, but they are getting nicer around here)

i think you need a special staff post that says 'critic' for that. since all we have are mods, Smods and Admins, it no workie

Sorry I am a little late delivering the goods. Between Christmas, My anniversary (Which I remember and my wife forgets, go figure) and prepping for New Years, I have had a full dance card.
But you guys make it worth while.

Okay First Fanfic (Untitled first attempt)
Darth Beowulf
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157073)
A young boy has his first experience with the Force and the Dark side.
The work is good kid. Another one of those simple fixes. Edit and spell-check.

The Battle of the Dark Lords
Theoneman
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=156508)
Malak Versus Revan in their final battle.
Except for spelling and editing problems, this is excellent! The scene is clear and moves well. Keep up the good work.

Luke Skywalker vs. Jacen Solo
Theoneman
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157340)
The climactic battle scene of Luke Skywalker versus Jacen Solo.
Quality work again. My only question is why didn’t you finish the fic?


Knight Trials
Zane Marit
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5278)
Obi Wan struggles with the loss of Anakin Skywalker.
Departing from the series a little, but excellent work.

Trial Under The Suns
Kopernikuz
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=3330)
A padawan wanting a challenge gets more than her bargained for.
While the writing style is good, he fails to hold my interest because he obviously doesn’t know enough about ship to ship combat. While a pirate in an armed merchant vessel can and sometimes does take on and defeat a warship, it is unlikely that the merchant would be more heavily armed and armored than anything but a smaller warship.

A Killer Among Us
Kopernikuz
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=3148)
A down and out Jedi can’t resist the call of a mystery.
Make the Jedi the equivalent of the FBI. Take a typical Private investigator story with the PI an ex Jedi. Toss in a murder and the burning need to investigate, and you have this story categorized.
It’s very well written, and deserves a look.

Kotorfanmedia

Knights of the Republic III: Force of Echos
WebMistressGina
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=533)
Revan is getting together a few good people...
The style is well done, the story easy and fun to read. The readers on Kotorfanmedia gave it twelve thumbs up. It deserved them.

Amplexus,
nihilio
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=534)
After the Star Forge, Revan tries to come to grips with her life again.
The writing style is smooth and the angst of the main character well considered and revealed.

Lost and Found
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=566)
Sequel to ‘Future’s End” and ”Slow Dissolve”
I can’t say enough good things about her work.

happy anniversary, Mach. and great work once again.

Happy anniversary :D

Happy anniversary :D. Great reviews, but I'm beginning to think
>_>
<_<
that you're going to easy on us.
>_>

Happy anniversary. I hope you had a good one.

Happy Anniversary, Merry Christmas (late, i know) and a Happy (and hopefully less critical) New Year!!!

To machie, BTW.

Sabretooth, ask my wife. I'm ALWAYS critical.

6 January 2006
Just an aside; Did you know that this column has gotten more views in this forum than all of my posted fiction combined?
Now I'm depressed.

Darth Sion: A legacy of Pain.
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157206)
DarthSion101
A Sith master remembers his rise to power
For a first attempt it is very good. The story is compelling the characters well defined and only needs editing to make it work perfectly.

Sith or Jedi... Illusions.
Jamijaster
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157574)

A young Jedi is exiled.
You pretty much said yourself everything critical about this piece that I could have. I have always said a good story is rewritten, and that is merely a quote from Arthur Clark.
Calm down, think of what you want to say. Visualize and begin. Remember that quotation marks are used to differentiate between who is speaking as are paragraph breaks.
Now try again.


The Adventures of John Skywalker
John Skywalker
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=153678)
The Twin Brother of Anakin Skywalker is found and trained by the Sith.
I have critiqued some of John’s work before, and he has the same problems but they are, as I said then, merely technical. He needs to remember to have paragraph breaks, watch when he has people speaking and check his punctuation.
Overall very good.


Galactic Senate’s Coruscant Theater

Mara Jade Luke's Demise
dbzmaster
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5407)

Set during the Vong War. After the death of Luke Skywalker, a 2026 year old Jedi falls in love with Mara Jade.
He jumps back and forth between present and past tense, and his scenes while compelling feel merely slapped together rather than conceived. The premise of the ancient warrior returning to save the day is a bit hackneyed, but like any idea, it comes back.
While the style is bothersome to me, the story is not to badly done.

Tales Of A Coruscant Cabby, The Isamu Starkiller Story
Isamu Starkiller
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=4738)
A night on Coruscant through the eyes of a world weary cab driver.

A story where some people have inserted their own sections, the writing is reminiscent of the Harry Canyon segment of the Heavy Metal Movie, or the movie Taxi driver. An interesting read.

Jedi Slave
Princess Tranquility
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5938)

Set a year after the Battle of Endor, Han Solo is sent on a diplomatic mission. But the planet is proslavery and he needs a slave so...

The writer was immediately worried at the end of chapter 1 that people would be upset that she would have not only slavery, but that two of the major characters would be involved. Knowing politics as I do, that didn’t bother me in the slightest.
What did bother me is the idea suggested in the work that Uncle Owen was abusive to the point of beatings. Something I did not detect even when Anakin Skywalker was still a slave.
The style is good, and only needs tweaking.

From kotorfanmedia

Promise
Mellyna
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=574)
Set during KOTOR II
A short scene between A female Revan and another unnamed woman.
It is only a short piece, barely a page long. But it immediately caught my interest. Mellyna has two more stories she has written, and I almost went up the chain to find them before going on.
However I am sticking to my methodology. Well done!

Destiny’s Pawn:
Allronix
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=598)

Set in KOTOR I right before the capture by Leviathan
This piece is outstanding. Going from the bawdy songs of a crew relaxing after Manaan, to the angst of someone who wonders what there is to life after the force, then to a scene heavy with romance, then to an attack
It’s like riding a roller-coaster.

Don’t Think
Rose07
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=568)
Set after Korriban in KOTOR I
Katrina (Revan) decides to push her relationship with Carth to the next level.
The same quality work she has done since I started this job. Very well done.

yeah, no wonder youre the critic. (though youre not TOO critical)

There, Triumph of the Republic is finished. And this time, say more about than simply "Continuation of story Rescue from Mustafar", ok?

There, Triumph of the Republic is finished. And this time, i'd like to thank you for taking the time to first read my story and then write up a review.fixed. :dozey:

fixed. :dozey:
Yes, I suppose what I said was a little rude. I apologise.

Alkonium, If you have read the Lord of the Rings Trilogy, you know that Two towers is only a continuation of Fellowship of the ring. A sequel.
that is what I meant.
If an apology for my semantics is in order, I apologize.

13 January 2006
STAR WARS: Shadows Of The Past
BlackReflection
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157306)

A Jedi needing to get his life straight is given an important mission

The biggest problem this little Dane has is that he is fumbling with English. Since all I know in Danish is nothing, I can’t complain too much about that. He needs to edit and remember to finish his thoughts when he is writing.
The story is excellent and kept me going through that interminable prologue. Kid, it should have been at least five paragraphs.

STAR WARS: The Prophets of the Dark Side
Vain Naji-Mohr
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=157999)

A Sith Lord tries to derail a prophecy.
While he has problems with spelling, the writing is clean and well done. The only problem is that there isn’t much to it yet. Keep writing, kid!

Shadow of Destiny
Gray Master
http://www.lucasforums.com/showthread.php?t=158172)
A silent witness follows Revan through his travails after erasing his memory.

The secret outside observer is one of the least used gambits in fiction, and GM does it well up to the end of this first chapter. I liked what I read, and what I want is more.

From the Galactic Senate Coruscant Theater

A Chance Meeting,
Zane Marit
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=5962)
Luke meets Obi wan Kenobi for the first time when he is twelve.

The writing style needs some work because he tends to jump perspectives from third person present to third person past (The difference between saying ‘he picked up the sword’ to compared to ‘he picks up the sword’) sometimes in one sentence. However Zane does excellent work.

A AU story. Untitled
Arica
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6107)
In an Alternate Universe, Anakin Skywalker deals with the mistreatment of his grand daughter.

Picture Anakin and Padme living happily every after...
That is the premise of this short vignette. The style is god, needing only editing, and as with a lot of you kids, my primary complaint is that you didn’t do enough!

Smuggler Assault,
Rikh
http://www.galacticsenate.com/index.php?showtopic=6209)

Set during the NJO, Smugglers set up to attack a force not realizing what they face.

The writing style is excellent, and the story well done. Rukh only has to edit the work to make it outstanding.

From Kotorfanmedia


Wounds of the Past
Phoq
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=583)

Set on Kashyyyk after finding the Star Map.

Phoq has done some good work here. The style is a bit stilted, but that will improve with practice.


The Wayside
gan xinqba
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=595)

Set in KOTOR II I believe. An intelligence agent and ex-Jedi apprentice investigates the suspiscious deaths of several Jedi masters.

Written in a journalistic style, the author leads you gently into the story with a bit about the main character, setting the scene and characters, and draws you into his created world. Very well done.

Revival
karacat
http://www.kotorfanmedia.com/?p=591)

Set during KOTOR. Enroute to Manaan after the fateful meeting withv Malak, our Heroine wonders what is and isn’t real.

A writer should push the envelope of what is part of another person’s universe but not so far that people are bothered by it. Karacat did a good job here, adding what she called a ‘force bomb’ placed by the Jedi council to stop Revan’s return. An intriguing idea.

Ohhh reviews. Good to see some reviews, but I think your spelling is going down. ;)

Ah, reviews. I was expecting them to be highly-overly-critical, since it was Friday the 13th...

Ohhh reviews. Good to see some reviews, but I think your spelling is going down. ;)

Remember what I tell you guys about spelling checks and editing?

Mea maxima culpa