I've been throwing this idea around in my head for quite some time now, and finally decided I'd like to pursue writing a backstory for my character in the roleplaying threads, Strider "Craig" Flamehart. I have chapter 1 and chapter 2 finished, and I want to know what you all think. I intend to add more sensory details into later chapters, this was just to get the idea out the door and to get people's initial thoughts on how everything is unfolding. The following collection of stories will be written in first person view of Strider.
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Chapter 1:
The Planet Kyron
A Look into the Past
Kyron was a lush world in the days of the Old Republic. The planet was also rather awkward. A half of the planet was covered in land, ranging from tropical forests, to blistering deserts, and even zones of constant freezing blizzards. The main cities were built in the deserts, in order to preserve the forestry and tundra. Magnificent cities sprawled across the deserts, irrigation was employed and they were able to have agricultural as well as industrialize. The other half was covered by a massive ocean, where many different kind of industrial plants were scattered about for filtration, mining, and so on. This was the home planet of Strider Flamehart. He grew up here and was discovered by Jedi here. Strider grew up in a wealthy family, and very few of the native citizens of Kyron had ever gone off planet. His parents were reluctant to hand him over to the Order. His father finally chose to do so for unknown reasons, and so Strider was sent to the order.
Kyron’s citizens firmly believed in not leaving the planet, because they believed outside contact with other planets would lead to their inevitable doom. Throughout all of the wars of the centuries, including the Exar Kun war, Mandalorian Wars, the Jedi Civil War, and more, Kyron remained untouched by the conflicts…for a time. Shortly after Strider’s departure from Kyron, the Republic came into knowledge of Kyron, and began attempting to make it a part of the Republic. Kyron’s leaders refused to do so, and much to their dismay, Kyron was later conquered by the Sith, and they squandered the planet of its resources. Many of the high standing citizens, including Strider’s father, used their wealth to their advantage to secure themselves to potentially profit from the Sith’s takeover.
It didn’t take long for them to decimate the planet. The lush tropical forests were razed, the tundra and other frosted regions melted over, adding to the already massive ocean of the planet. The waters became polluted, turning black and murky, and cities became abandoned, except for the capital city, which was turned into a Sith stronghold, run by Strider’s own father. The capital city remained this way for years on end, until finally, two Jedi were sent to dispatch the situation…
Chapter 2:
The Return to Kyron
Strider’s Homecoming
From orbit, I barely recognized the charred surface of what was formerly my home world. I sat quietly in the co-pilot’s seat of our spacecraft, my master sitting next to me, eyes focused on the planet ahead. She was very serious when it came down to a mission, which was quite aggravating for me as she was very lax at any other time. The sudden stiffness was always awkward, and I preferred to take things in a leisurely manner anyway.
“We’ll be landing at Kyron in fifteen minutes, Flamehart,” declared my master’s voice.
“Yes, Master Averre,” I replied, pressing a few buttons on the panel in front of me to initiate landing procedures for the ship. She was already stiffening before the mission, and sometimes I just wish she’d just stop focusing on just the objective, and take into consideration the other things that could be done to help improve the situation as well. Her name was Jayde Averre, and she was one of the youngest Jedi Masters at the academy. She’s an ace lightsaber duelist, and even specializes in many different forms of unarmed combat as well. She had accomplished her trials at age seventeen, and two years later decided to take an apprentice, just so happening to be myself. Unfortunately, I’m her first apprentice, and she’s my fifth master.
Now, it’s not that I’m a bad apprentice, really it’s not. Masters have just gotten tired of my relaxed attitude about everything and my sarcastic nature, and my seemingly blatant disregard for some less approved of sections of the Jedi Code. Basically, I’ve taken things into my own hands against my masters’ wishes a few too many times before, and Jayde was my last shot at becoming a Jedi Knight. I have quite a bit of respect for her, being nineteen as well and having set myself quite ahead of the rest of my peers, she has taught me more about the ways of the Force and combat than any of my other masters.
“We’re beginning entrance into Kyron’s atmosphere,” said Jayde, cutting into my thoughts.
“This isn’t Kyron,” I rejected, “At least, it’s not the Kyron I remember.” As the ship entered Kyron’s atmosphere and headed towards the capital city, I couldn’t help but stare at the decimated landscapes before me as the ship descended towards the spaceport.
“Strider…I understand it’s going to be hard for you to accept, but the Sith conquered this planet four years ago. Your father is in charge of the main capital city. He used his wealth to buy his way into the Sith ranks and gain their trust. Try to keep levelheaded about everything and don’t get carried away,” she said in a much more concerned tone.
“Now you decide to drop the stiff act?” I interrogated. I turned away, looking around at the landscape and the city. “I’ll keep my mind on the mission – getting in contact with the rebel faction, gaining their trust and becoming one of them, and finding out their plan to overthrow the Sith here,” I responded in an almost emotionless voice.
Jayde looked at me, “And while you attempt to do this, I will give the rulers here the impression we’re here to help the famine and other lack of supply issues, which we are here for as well, do not forget,” she chided.
I shrugged and replied in an ever more emotionless voice, “I didn’t forget, but don’t you forget a majority of those supplies go towards helping the faction.” I stood up just as the ship set itself gently onto the spaceport ground and pulled up the hood on my Jedi cloak. Jayde got up as well and rose her own hood, then we both proceeded down the exit ramp of the ship, where two guards were waiting to escort us into the lobby…
Intriguing... my only piece of advice would be to make the chapters a bit longer... other than that, I can only say that you do seem to know how to capture a person's interest. Keep the updates coming. :)
They were kinda the intro chapters, so they were a bit shorter than I intended. The third chapter is far more in depth however in Strider's full inclusion into the resistance group on the planet. I'm going to see how many chapters a week I can do, I'm hoping I can update on Wednesday (maybe Tuesday) with two more chapters then again on Friday with another two.
Note that I'm writing a fanfiction, not a book, so I don't need my chapters to span 20 pages. :)
Heh... not expecting 20 pages... just longer than those intro chapters :)
Nice, this is good, I like it.. keep posting
Thanks. Chapter 3's in mid-writeup right now, no way I'm gonna be able to keep a two-chapters an update schedule, so you'll all have to settle with 1 :-p
I'll have Chapter 3 in all it's glory up before the end of the day.
Due to constant phone calls, unorganized work plan, and other distracting issues that have appeared, I shall publish the third chapter when it is fully completed tomorrow. Sorry!
Chapter 3
Strider’s Initiation
Rebellious faction on Kyron
Getting into contact with the rebel faction was cake for me. They were eager to hear that a Jedi was willing to help them, although it was information I wasn’t supposed to have told them, they would have found out sooner or later, and I figured sooner was the better policy here to gain their trust. I told my master this and although she disapproved, she knows I’m right. Today I’m to confront their “council” and they are to decide if they wish our assistance. I’ve been secretly delivering the supplies through the faction to get to the starving population, and so far regulation and distribution have been going well. My body aches from all the menial labor, but I’m going to have to push that aside if I’m going to pass the trials they put me through. My master has been proud of my performance so far, staying underground and always popping in whenever the authorities requested from her where I was. My timing has mostly been what I would say is luck, but Jedi teachings tell me there is no luck. I’d have to disagree. Although the Force is mysterious to me, there is just no way that things tend to occur the way they do…
I’m walking now into the “initiation chamber,” as they call it. I’m doubtful that this will be difficult. As soon as I walked into the chamber, I could smell the tension of the council in the room. They knew very well that I would proceed, but all the more so they were reluctant to trust me just the same. Many people view the Jedi and Sith as similar, and there’s no way we can change that. The first thing they tell me is that I will not be able to use my lightsaber during this trial. They have not given me any prior training beforehand, so I’m assuming I’ll be forced to improvise.
“You will be facing some of our most competent hand-to-hand combatants, to test your skill without your blade. If you prevail, you will be presented with a series of situations in which you will be required to answer honestly how you would approach them. Should you pass this test, you will be given a mission to finally decide how valuable you will be to us,” said the head councilman in a droning, almost tranquilizing tone. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic. Although he was the head council, he was rather young, probably no older than twenty-one. From the way he looked at me, he had a less than caring, condescending manner. “He must be arrogant,” I thought to myself as I examined his manner. He seemed to be bored by my presence.
It didn’t take long for them to begin the first trial, and I was soon pitted up against the first of their “competent hand-to-hand combatants.” I’m no expert in hand-to-hand, but apparently watching my Master in combat paid off here.
My opponent seemed determined, and he laughed with arrogance and misunderstanding foolishness when I pulled a cloth from my inner tunic pocket and wrapped it about my head, concealing my vision. We both bowed to each other then got into our respective combative stances. We both started to move towards the center, and he made the first blow. I felt the back of my head hit the ground with a resounding thud throughout the chamber. “Sith spit…” I muttered, getting up from the ground, ignoring the now reverberating pain in my head. He laughed and struck again. Before I knew it, I was moving. I leaned to the left, letting his fist drive past by my head. All the while without vision, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward, bringing my knee to his gut. I moved past him, pulling his arm back, and then delivered a harsh blow to the back of his elbow, making a satisfying cracking sound. My opponent was on the ground, whimpering in pain, and was assisted off the combat grounds by another resistance member.
The next opponent was a little smarter to not underestimate my lack of vision. He attempted to come at me with an on-the-floor spinning kick. It was moments later I felt my feet swept out from under me. I did a quick flip, landing on my hands and knees. I rose to my feet and blocked against two vicious strikes, then in a blur, returned the two strikes. He managed to block them, and in fact, grabbed both my wrists. He kicked at me and I blocked with a shin, and then pushed off the ground with my remaining foot. I tilted my body in the air, still holding onto his wrists, I drove my foot into his chest, letting go of his wrists in the same instant. He hit the ground hard, and I landed on my side, but was back on my feet in an instant. He came running at me in anger and drove a fist forward. I grabbed his wrist with my hand, turned my back to him and flipped him over my shoulder and his back met the floor once more with a resonating slam.
He was dismissed by the council member, who looked far more interested in the trials he was being forced to sit through. The third opponent fell much faster than the first two, and even my master, who had become associated with the resistance recently, had come to watch the remainder of the trials.
My fourth opponent was a lot tougher than the last three; he seemed to have picked up on some of my technique from my previous victories. None of my tricky escape moves worked here, and I couldn’t really tell how well I was doing against him because it seemed like many of my blows that made contact wasn’t really affecting him. This had me curious after about an hour of constant fighting, and I lifted up my blindfold to look at my opponent, shortly after wishing I hadn’t. The guy was a hulk of muscle. I put my blindfold back down and tried to erase the image from my mind. My master knew it the moment I had done that. I doubted the moment I saw him, and Fear had entered the room. The man’s next move sent me over his back and slamming onto the ground. I tried to do a spinning kick to knock him down, but all I felt was my shin colliding into the side of his, and he never budged. I heard him laugh and soon I felt myself swept from the ground and hurled across the room. I’d had enough by this point, and lifted myself off the ground, ignoring the pain searing through my muscles and adjusting the blindfold to better cover my eyes. I let my senses wander, tried to indulge my senses into the Force. I heard everything go deafeningly quiet, like the calm before the storm. Suddenly, I hear footsteps, slow, powerful, but spaced rather distantly apart. He was running at me. I waited until the last possible second before taking a step forward and ducking downwards, then pushing up with my back, flipping him over my body. I turned around as he was still in midair and delivered an open-palm strike to his torso in midair. At the same time, I called upon the Force, sending a blast of wind-like energy from my hand and sending him careening into the wall. From what I could tell, he didn’t get back up.
“Impressive…Very impressive,” said the now far more interested council member. “You may continue to the next phase of your trials. You’ve done well here. Now you may proceed to the next trial.”
The next trials were easy. Basically all I had to do was choose the most righteous decision, and it wasn’t very difficult. I had no interest in making the other decisions presented anyway, so it wasn’t very hard. It was rather boring, but finally I got to the last trial.
Nine men walked out from a corridor, armed to the teeth with blaster rifles, repeaters, and strong armor that was stowed away in some of the supplies we sent to the general population, which was intended for the resistance in the first place. Glad to see it would be put to use. The council leader then handed me a data pad.
“I want you to take these men and infiltrate this structure. There will be a meeting with the city’s board of officials. You are to take each of them hostage. Once you have done so, secure the location and we’ll send reinforcements,” instructed the council leader.
“I thought you were going to give me an assignment, not a hostile takeover. Certainly we cannot be ready to move against them just yet,” I replied with confusion.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would that be?” he asked, giving me an incredulous look.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would it be to prematurely attack?” I retorted, resisting the urge to outright humiliate him.
“You are following my orders! Do not question them!”
“I am not questioning your orders; I am questioning the intelligence of them.”
The lead council member was fuming. Finally, he responded with, “You will do as I tell you and you will not ask otherwise.”
“The way I see it, I’m helping you, not vise versa, so I should be the one who decides how this operation is going to be run.”
“A kid like you couldn’t make such a decision!”
“Well it’s quite obvious a leader as old as yourself can’t either.”
There was silence in the room. Finally the leader said, “Fine, do what you will, but you will stick to the objectives.”
“Very well,” I answered concisely, still disagreeing with the sudden direct assault on the city’s infrastructure. I turned to the rest of the nine men who were still standing at attention behind me. “I want you all to fall out and we will reform and meet up a block away from the location in the apartment complex. We’ll move from there to infiltrate the city hall and take captive the officials. Render any guards unconscious, I want as few casualties as possible. If they open fire, then by all means open fire in return. Try not to set off any alarms either. I’ll meet you at the apartment complex in one hour. Move out!”
With that, the nine soldiers left instantly to prepare for the mission. I left the room via another exit and stepped into the lift. I wanted to freshen up and change before the mission. Jayde stepped into the turbolift next to me.
There was a moment of silence until she finally spoke, “You did exceptionally well for a student who’s never been very proficient in hand-to-hand combat.”
“I picked up some stuff from you,” I answered shortly, looking at her. She knew many different combat styles, including Teras Kasi, and I had picked up some of the moves just from watching.
“If you want to learn more, I’d be willing to teach you,” she offered, looking at him. “You let yourself doubt in that last fight though, and that was almost your downfall.”
I nodded. “I know, Master, I noticed it myself. I shouldn’t have lifted my blindfold. As for learning some more unarmed proficiency, I would appreciate that,” I replied.
“You do know your father is going to be there, right Strider?” she asked in an abrupt change of subject.
“Yes…I do know, Master, what are you insinuating?” I questioned, looking at her with confusion.
“Do you think you can pull it off by yourself?” she asked curiously, as if expecting it would be hard for me to face my own father.
“You aren’t coming along to help?” I asked, although already knowing the answer.
“No, I have to go back and help with distribution of supplies.” She responded concisely.
“I’ll be fine,” I simply replied.
There was an awkward moment of silence between us.
“Think the mission will succeed?”
“We’ll find out.”
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Well that wraps up Chapter 3. Hope you all liked it. Let me know what you think, I'll get to work on chapter 4 sometime this week.
Great Yet again, just don't take too long
Thanks, I've got less and less time than I'd like to work on these chapters than I'd like, so 4 might not be up until Friday, at the latest. I'll try and update on a Monday, Wednesday, and Friday schedule for now, if I don't have it done on one of those scheduled days then I'll see if I can get it up the following. I'm glad you're all enjoying it as of right now, I intend to take this as far as I can.
And how far do you think that is? To Sith Hunter times and beyond? (or are the Sith Hunters even in your 'Chronicles of Flamehart'? :p
but ya, good story... update as soon as possible... and by that I mean now :p actually, just whenever you can is great. :)
Well, as much as I'd love to include the Sith Hunters, I really can't remember much that went on in that RPG. If you want to give me a lowdown or something in a PM or something, I'd be glad to include it when I get to that section. Also, to answer the other question, I intend these Chronicles to cover 6 parts:
1. Strider as a Jedi
2. Strider's exile and later conversion to the Sith
3. Strider/"Craig" leaving the Sith and becoming a Sith Hunter
4. "Craig" becoming a Mercenary, and a few of his missions during that time, in this forum and other ones I've thought up.
5. "Craig"/Strider during his adventures in the Unknown Regions of space, aka the place where Revan and one of his followers disappeared to in the KOTOR games, with my own twist on it.
6. Strider's return to the New Jedi Order and the missions he partakes in during that.
Ugh... that RPG was terribly insane... the only good things that came out of it were Craig and Jokemaster... I'll think up a history of the Sith Hunters, write a bit of it, and get back to you on that. :)
That'd be great. Make up whatever you like for my character, just know he was one of the only Sith Hunters to get away before the Implants took full effect, so therefor never really turned on the Jedi. Otherwise, long as you don't kill him, you can use it however you like.
Good... they'll be training against Jedi the Sith caught for that purpose and he'll sort of hold back, taking care of the combat droids rather than the real people... how's that?
Sure, sounds fine with me.
Chapter 4
Hostile Takeover
I met the men in the apartment complex, I was wearing some darker Jedi tunic than normal, the cloth that runs along the front, the tabards, were instead of cloth, metal-plated for blaster protection. I wasn’t taking any chances, despite my own skill being more than well enough. The men listened attentively while I discussed the battle plan. “This apartment complex is close enough to the ceiling of the city hall for us to access the building from the roof. We’ll take the rooftop access door and go down, working our way to the conference room. I want you nine to split up and find a way to surround the conference room. The blueprints show there’s four entrances to the conference room. I want you men to split up into groups of three, and I’ll take the fourth door. Do not make any loud commotion if you can help it, and absolutely do not set off the alarms. Am I clear?”
The soldiers responded with a firm “yes sir,” and that was it. We moved to the rooftop of the apartments, and making use of the clever structure work in the city of Kyron, made our way over to the roof of the city hall. I attempted to open the door, and found it locked. One of the men started to move past me and attempt to plant an explosive, but I stopped him. “On a take down mission this would be smart, but the explosion will alert the guards. I have a much more efficient method.” The soldier nodded and backed away. I lifted my hand and waved it in front of the door, calling upon the Force. A click sound went off, and I opened the door. “Too easy, they need to invest in more security measures.” I grabbed my lightsaber hilt from my belt and walked down the stairs, the soldiers followed suit behind me. When we got onto the right level, we moved into the hallways, I called upon the Force to distract the guards’ minds so the resistance solders could move behind them and render them unconscious with a swift blow to the back of the neck with the blaster rifle stocks. The guards fell to the ground instantly, as if their legs collapsed from under them. We moved swiftly, until suddenly we heard footsteps coming from all directions. In moments, we were surrounded by the building’s armored elite security. My lightsaber was in my hand and activated in an instant, and my comrades had their weapons poised for combat.
“Drop your weapons and we won’t have any messes,” spoke one of the guards, aiming his blaster rifle at me.
My eyes darted around, counting the number of opponents in my head. There were twenty of them around us, and only ten of us. I brought my lightsaber to a defensive position. “Take two each men.” I ordered. Suddenly confusion swept over me, as I heard movement. I turned to see my nine men now facing me with guns poised.
“This is the end of the line, Jedi. You seriously thought that we didn’t have insiders in the resistance,” spoke the voice of the security team’s leader.
“If this is how it’s going to be, so be it,” I responded, bringing my lightsaber back to a defensive position, and now closing my eyes once more. I drew the Force into the room, feeling it’s energy swell up inside of me.
I heard a single sound of the first laser being ejected from a blaster rifle, playing in slow motion in my ears. My arms and legs were already moving. I moved forward towards the nine men that were once under my command, bringing my lightsaber already to where the blast was, deflecting it. Many other sounds went off, and my hands moved in a swift motion. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion, the blaster rifles sounding off slowly, the movement of the bolts coursing towards my body sluggishly, but my body moving in real time, getting to the blasts before they get to me, knocking them away, moving in a blur. I pushed off the ground with my feet and leaped high into the air, doing a single somersault and landing in the middle of the nine traitors. My arms moved in a blur to them, almost so fast that it left an after image of where they had been before as I swiftly started to disarm or dispatch of the men. It wasn’t long before those nine were down on the ground, rendered incapable of combat, incapacitated, or dead. I heard several more sounds now, many more. The other twenty had opened fire. I had no opportunity to move anywhere, so I stood my ground and moved my arms, my lightsaber blade almost one long blur as I moved it all around myself, deflecting bolts everywhere.
For several minutes the fire I was under was nonstop. My arms were moving in a blur, the pain from doing it for so long was starting to swell in my upper arms. Finally there was a cease in fire, and my lightsaber was lowered to my side as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, barely able to move in my sweat-drenched tunic.
I could see it without opening my eyes. The guards were in astonishment. There was no way concentrated fire for so long could have been defended against by a single Jedi. I can’t explain how I had the ability to pull this off myself. I had trained many a day in the blindfolded test in the Jedi Temple, and apparently that training had paid off. I had my eyes closed for so long now, had I not kept a mental image of the room, I’d have forgotten where I was. I could sense considerably less life force in the room. I must have killed a few guards while deflecting. I took this time now to raise my left hand and take some of the Force energy I had gathered up and hurled it at one of the groups of security guards, creating a powerful Force Push effect. They were floored, as suddenly I turned around and rushed at another group, swinging my lightsaber furiously, taking them down in moments. I heard blaster fire going off again. My eyes still closed, I leaped up and kicked off of the nearest wall, launching myself towards the next group. I swung my lightsaber in a criss-cross motion in front of me, deflecting any bolts headed my way as I landed in the middle of them. I proceeded in dispatching them as well, decapitating limbs or disarming completely. I ignored their screams of pain, knowing that I really had no other choice, and leaped at the third group, who were now getting back up from the Force push. The fourth one already had moved in with the other three being they had lost so many. I felt a blaster bolt singe the cloth of my tunic as I landed behind them and ran the lightsaber blade through the chest of the guard who did it. I pulled it out and swung around, slaying any of them close enough to the blade. There was one last soldier left, backing away while firing. I deflected the blasts out of the way and kicked the man in the chest, knocking him down. I put the lightsaber blade to his neck after slashing his blaster rifle, and said to him in a harsh tone, “Take whoever else I’ve left alive, and get out of here.”
I turned and left towards the conference room, opening my eyes. I got to the first door leading into the conference room, and instead of opening the lock, I simply slashed downwards on the wooden doors, causing the lock to melt and the doors to swing open from the sheer force of the slash. All the board members turned, alarmed, except for one, who seemed to have been giving an oral presentation, just smiled at me as I walked in.
“Hello, Strider Flamehart,” said the man in a sharp, audible voice.
“You’ve been expecting me?” I asked, hiding the surprise inside me.
“For many years now, I’ve been waiting for your return so you can see the wonderful things I’ve done for our home world,” he said in a very propaganda like manner.
“You call this wonderful? I didn’t come here to side with you, I came here to take control and set things right,” I said back in a firm tone.
“Why do that when you could simply join me, and gain power beyond anything those Jedi can teach you?”
“It’s not power I seek. It’s justice. The Sith’s reign of Kyron is over. You’re coming with me…father.”
Whoa! didn't see that coming! :) Nice... was a little short, but still good. Keep up the good work.
Was shorter than I intended, but it made it's point. Chapter 5's gonna be considerably longer.
Wow, great, I love it please update soon. keep it up.
Yeah, I've been kinda burdened with some life issues so my motivation to work on this has lessened. I haven't touched it in a few days, but rest assured I shall when I can. I won't let this idea die out before it comes into execution. I just need some time to sort out some life stuff. Nothing life threatening or anything, just enough to keep my attention distracted and I'm sorry for it.
Course, now y'all are gonna give me the "Oh no take your time life is more important."
Well personally I like this writing and everything better because given current conditions it allows me to escape the burdening nature of my life, so I'd really MUCH rather be doing this. If I can get some writing done today or tomorrow, I'll have it up by Thursday, but no guarantees.
[Edit: Just noticed an unintentional typo that I must've made when transitioning from conceptual thought process to the word document. It was in early on, Strider and his Master are supposed to be the same age, 19. I just edited the initial post and fixed it.]
Sorry for lack of updates. I'm currently working on Chapter 5 but I'm debating on whether or not to sift the story to the third person view. I want to do this because I realize I can describe the surroundings in scenes better because I'm not limited by the narrator's senses. I want to know what you guys think. The story will still be centralized around Strider's views, but itll be told in third person instead of first, so I can describe environmental stuff better.
Dude... she's my age... is she cute? :p
Dude cmon man, she's a fictional story character, haha.
I'd say she's fairly attractive, which is going to of course lead to other problems later.
Now enough about her, what be your opinion about third person? haha.
ok, ok... third person's a good idea... it is definitely harder to write in first (I speak from experience)
Oh, and as for her being a fictional character... well, if not one of them, who can I fall in love with :p
I just feel more limited, that's why. But I'll try in third, and I'll probably have Chapter 5 up by tonight or tomorrow. Let's see how it goes.
Nearly every fictional thing I write is in third person... so much easier that way, believe me.
You can do what you want with your story to make it better flamehart if you feel you can improve with third person it's fine I'm writing NYPD vendetta and it's totally sucking up till now, but well first you fail to improve, or at least that's just me....hehe they say we girls can't write action stuff, I think I'm proving the point....hehehe, we'll don't matter just keep up the good work.. ;)
I read some of it when I had the chance, I actually think it's pretty good. I didn't get the chance to read the whole thing, and when life doesn't have me bogging down and I have some more time on my hands, I'll give it a go and see what all you have there.
Chapter 5 is definately transitioning to 3rd person, I'm having alot more fun with it.
Actually, WJ, alot of authors claim first person is the easier POV to take. XD (Because it can be alot easier to get the reader attached to your character due to the intimacy of seeing what goes on in his/her head.)
Actually, though, a great technique of 'fixing' a story when you just can't figure out what's wrong with it is to rewrite it from a different point of view :)
DarkEmpress - I dunno, in the novel workshop class that's currently consuming my life, alot of really good action stuff is written by girls. XD
Because I am putting off writing up my OWN story - well, novel chapter - that I need to submit for a workshop on Tuesday, I've decided to take it upon myself to critique this entire story as if it was a manuscript I got from a member of that workshop. As such I am going to quote the entire thing and insert comments where I have them, for lack of a printed manuscript to write on. XD
Note: Because I am a bad, bad moderator who skims threads to see if there's any problems rather than actually read every page, I don't know anything about this character. So keep that in mind ;)
Also, I don't expect you to listen to me just because I'm a mod. Pretend I'm not a mod for the entire time you read the following. Everything here is just a suggestion, blah blah blah. XD
Since I'm used to critiquing by writing on things, suggestions are inserted in the text and indicated in blue.
Chapter 1:
The Planet Kyron
A Look into the Past
Kyron was a lush world in the days of the Old Republic. The planet was also rather awkward. (I kinda got stuck here on the mental image of an "awkward planet". I know it's nitpicking, but 'awkward' means clumsy, not graceful, difficult to handle, uncomfortable, embarrassing, etc. An 'awkward planet' gives me the idea that this planet is kinda roaming around space bumping into other planets - "oops, sorry about that, didn't see you there!". I know, I know, I'm nitpicking. But you might want to choose a different word. Or, y'know, not. XD) A half of the planet was covered in land, ranging from tropical forests, to blistering deserts, and even zones of constant freezing blizzards. The main cities were built in the deserts, in order to preserve the forestry and tundra. (You know that tundra and deserts have ecosystems of about the same volume, yes? You'd think they'd want to preserve those as well. (Granted, could be a different situation on this planet.)) Magnificent cities sprawled across the deserts, irrigation was employed and they were able to have agricultural (agricultural what? also, run-on sentence, and the first part is repetitive; why not tell us the cities were 'magnificent' in the previous sentence?) as well as industrialize (or "industry"?). The other half was covered by a massive ocean, where many different kind of industrial plants were scattered about for filtration, mining, and so on. This was the home planet of Strider Flamehart. He grew up here and was discovered by Jedi here. (sentence might read better reworded; i.e. "Here he grew up, and here he was discovered by the Jedi.") Strider grew up in a wealthy family, and very few of the native citizens of Kyron had ever gone off planet. His parents were reluctant to hand him over to the Order. His father finally chose to do so for unknown reasons, and so Strider was sent to the order. (Hey! "Unknown reasons" is cheating, unless you plan to follow up on that later. Cheater. :D)
Kyron’s citizens firmly believed in not leaving the planet, because they believed outside contact with other planets would lead to their inevitable doom. Throughout all of the wars of the centuries, including the Exar Kun war, Mandalorian Wars, the Jedi Civil War, and more, Kyron remained untouched by the conflicts…for a time. (You don't need "...for a time." The rest of the sentence implies that.) Shortly after Strider’s departure from Kyron, the Republic came into knowledge of Kyron, and began attempting to make it a part of the Republic. Kyron’s leaders refused to do so, and much to their dismay, Kyron was later conquered by the Sith, and they squandered the planet of its resources. (Or "squandered the planet's resources"?) Many of the high standing citizens, including Strider’s father, used their wealth to their advantage to secure themselves to potentially profit from the Sith’s takeover.
It didn’t take long for them (the Sith? or the citizens?) to decimate the planet. The lush tropical forests were razed, the tundra and other frosted regions melted over, adding to the already massive ocean of the planet. The waters became polluted, turning black and murky, and cities became abandoned (Why? Seems like this would be interesting to elaborate on. Usually people don't just abandon cities they grew up in, even if the city has been abandoned by its government system etc.), except for the capital city, which was turned into a Sith stronghold, run by Strider’s own father. The capital city remained this way for years on end, until finally, two Jedi were sent to dispatch the situation…
Chapter 2:
The Return to Kyron
Strider’s Homecoming
From orbit, I barely recognized the charred surface of what was formerly my home world. I sat quietly in the co-pilot’s seat of our spacecraft, my master sitting next to me, eyes focused on the planet ahead. She was very serious when it came down to a mission, which was quite aggravating for me as she was very lax at any other time. (Stylistic thing: You don't need so many qualifiers; i.e. "very, quite, very, any") The sudden stiffness was always awkward, and I preferred to take things in a leisurely manner anyway.
“We’ll be landing at Kyron in fifteen minutes, Flamehart,” declared my master’s voice. (Unless his master's voice is a separate entity from his master, this might read better if you changed it to "declared my master" or "my master declared" ;))
“Yes, Master Averre,” I replied, pressing a few buttons on the panel in front of me to initiate landing procedures for the ship. She was already stiffening before the mission, and sometimes I just wish she’d just stop focusing on just the objective, and take into consideration the other things that could be done to help improve the situation as well. Her name was Jayde Averre, (Sounds awkward when you add "her name was" so far in. Might read better if you mentioned her name earlier (like "my master, Jayde Averre, sitting next to me") and just start here with "She was one of... etc) and she was one of the youngest Jedi Masters at the academy. She’s an ace lightsaber duelist, and even specializes in many different forms of unarmed combat as well. She had accomplished her trials at age seventeen, and two years later decided to take an apprentice, just so happening (or "who just so happened") to be myself. Unfortunately, I’m her first apprentice, and she’s my fifth master.
Now, it’s not that I’m a bad apprentice, really it’s not. Masters have just gotten tired of my relaxed attitude about everything and my sarcastic nature, and my seemingly blatant disregard for some less approved of sections of the Jedi Code. (Wait... so he ignores the parts of the Jedi Code that less people approve of? Confusing) Basically, I’ve taken things into my own hands against my masters’ wishes a few too many times before, and Jayde was my last shot at becoming a Jedi Knight. I have quite a bit of respect for her, being nineteen as well and having set myself quite ahead of the rest of my peers, she has taught me more about the ways of the Force and combat than any of my other masters.
“We’re beginning entrance into Kyron’s atmosphere,” said Jayde, cutting into my thoughts.
“This isn’t Kyron,” I rejected, “At least, it’s not the Kyron I remember.” As the ship entered Kyron’s atmosphere and headed towards the capital city, I couldn’t help but stare at the decimated landscapes before me as the ship descended towards the spaceport.
“Strider…I understand it’s going to be hard for you to accept, but the Sith conquered this planet four years ago. Your father is in charge of the main capital city. He used his wealth to buy his way into the Sith ranks and gain their trust. (Why is she telling him this? He knows it, and we know it too, since you told us already. ;)) Try to keep levelheaded about everything and don’t get carried away,” she said in a much more concerned tone.
“Now you decide to drop the stiff act?” I interrogated. I turned away, looking around at the landscape and the city. “I’ll keep my mind on the mission – getting in contact with the rebel faction, gaining their trust and becoming one of them, and finding out their plan to overthrow the Sith here,” I responded (There's no reason not to use the word "said", by the way. "Responded" sounds a little awkward - especially if he's already responded...which he has with his first line.) in an almost emotionless voice.
Jayde looked at me, “And while you attempt to do this, I will give the rulers here the impression we’re here to help the famine and other lack of supply issues, which we are here for as well, do not forget,” she chided. (Yet another stylistic thing: You've already established that Jayde is talking; no need for the "she chided" at the end.)
I shrugged and replied in an ever more emotionless voice, “I didn’t forget, but don’t you forget a majority of those supplies go towards helping the faction.” (Which faction? The Sith? The Jedi? The native Sith collaborators?) I stood up just as the ship set itself gently onto the spaceport ground and pulled up the hood on my Jedi cloak. Jayde got up as well and rose her own hood, then we both proceeded down the exit ramp of the ship, where two guards were waiting to escort us into the lobby…
Okay, interesting. I'm not sure of the time frame on this; if this is during one of the Jedi/Sith wars, why are Jedi coming to help out? Doesn't make much political sense, but I could just be confused. The setup may be a little bit familiar (i.e. it's been seen in similar stories before), but it's up to you whether that's a problem or not.
I like that Flamehart's gone through so many masters while still being a pretty nice guy, but I'm torn as to whether I believe that or not... I mean, Anakin was worse, and he really only had only one master. Still, not every Jedi is like Obi-Wan, so I'm willing to believe it. XD
A suggestion on the first chapter: Why not give us that information from Flamehart's point of view? You still get the info across, and we can get insight into Flamehart's character from how he comments on it.
More later >_>
Chapter 3
Strider’s Initiation
Rebellious faction on Kyron
Getting into contact with the rebel faction was cake for me. They were eager to hear that a Jedi was willing to help them, (and) although it was information I wasn’t supposed to have told them, they would have found out sooner or later, and I figured sooner was the better policy here to gain their trust. I told my master this and although she disapproved, she knows I’m right. (Watch the tense changes - either use "disapproved" + "knew I was" or "disapproves" + "knows I'm".) Today I’m to confront their “council” and they are to decide if they wish our assistance. I’ve been secretly delivering the supplies through the faction (Again - faction? Which faction? What faction?) to get to the starving population, and so far regulation and distribution have been going well. My body aches from all the menial labor, but I’m going to have to push that aside if I’m going to pass the trials they put me through. (What trials? You didn't mention no stinkin' trials before ;) so it comes off as confusing now without further elaboration My master has been proud of my performance so far, staying underground and always popping in whenever the authorities requested from her where I was. My timing has mostly been what I would say is luck, but Jedi teachings tell me there is no luck. I’d have to disagree. (This might read better worded differently, i.e. "My good timing has mostly been because of what I would say is luck. Jedi teachings tell me there is no luck, but I'd have to disagree.") Although the Force is mysterious to me, there is just no way that things tend to occur the way they do… (This isn't very believable from a Jedi, or any Force user for that matter. Why not believe that the Force produces luck, like everyone else?)
I’m walking now into the “initiation chamber,” as they call it. I’m doubtful that this will be difficult. As soon as I walked into the chamber, I could smell the tension of the council in the room. They knew very well that I would proceed, but all the more so they were reluctant to trust me just the same. Many people view the Jedi and Sith as similar, and there’s no way we can change that. The first thing they tell me is that I will not be able to use my lightsaber during this trial. They have not given me any prior training beforehand, so I’m assuming I’ll be forced to improvise.
“You will be facing some of our most competent hand-to-hand combatants, to test your skill without your blade. If you prevail, you will be presented with a series of situations in which you will be required to answer honestly how you would approach them. Should you pass this test, you will be given a mission to finally decide how valuable you will be to us,” said the head councilman in a droning, almost tranquilizing tone. He didn’t seem very enthusiastic. Although he was the head council, he was rather young, probably no older than twenty-one. From the way he looked at me, he had a less than caring, condescending manner. “He must be arrogant,” I thought to myself as I examined his manner. He seemed to be bored by my presence.
It didn’t take long for them to begin the first trial, and I was soon pitted up against the first of their “competent hand-to-hand combatants.” I’m no expert in hand-to-hand, but apparently watching my Master in combat paid off here.
My opponent seemed determined, and he laughed with arrogance and misunderstanding foolishness when I pulled a cloth from my inner tunic pocket and wrapped it about my head, concealing my vision. We both bowed to each other then got into our respective combative stances. We both started to move towards the center, and he made the first blow. I felt the back of my head hit the ground with a resounding thud throughout the chamber. “Sith spit…” I muttered, getting up from the ground, ignoring the now reverberating pain in my head. He laughed and struck again. Before I knew it, I was moving. I leaned to the left, letting his fist drive past by my head. All the while without vision, I grabbed his wrist and pulled him forward, bringing my knee to his gut. I moved past him, pulling his arm back, and then delivered a harsh blow to the back of his elbow, making a satisfying cracking sound. My opponent was on the ground, whimpering in pain, and was assisted off the combat grounds by another resistance member.
The next opponent was a little smarter to not underestimate my lack of vision. He attempted to come at me with an on-the-floor spinning kick. It was moments later I felt my feet swept out from under me. I did a quick flip, landing on my hands and knees. I rose to my feet and blocked against two vicious strikes, then in a blur, returned the two strikes. He managed to block them, and in fact, grabbed both my wrists. He kicked at me and I blocked with a shin, and then pushed off the ground with my remaining foot. I tilted my body in the air, (and) still holding onto his wrists, I drove my foot into his chest, letting go of his wrists in the same instant. He hit the ground hard, and I landed on my side, but was back on my feet in an instant. He came running at me in anger and drove a fist forward. I grabbed his wrist with my hand, turned my back to him and flipped him over my shoulder and his back met the floor once more with a resonating slam. (this sentence might read better split; i.e. "I grabbed his wrist with my hand, turned my back to him and flipped him over my shoulder. His back met the floor once more with a resonating slam.")
He was dismissed by the council member, who looked far more interested in the trials he was being forced to sit through. The third opponent fell much faster than the first two, and even my master, who had become associated with the resistance recently, had come to watch the remainder of the trials. (Whoa. When and how did this happen? I thought Flamehart was the one who was all big into joining the resistance. Now suddenly 'pop' his master is part of the resistance too? Seems too easy.)
My fourth opponent was a lot tougher than the last three; he seemed to have picked up on some of my technique from my previous victories. None of my tricky escape moves worked here, and I couldn’t really tell how well I was doing against him because it seemed like many of my blows that made contact wasn’t really affecting him. This had me curious after about an hour of constant fighting, and I lifted up my blindfold to look at my opponent, shortly after wishing I hadn’t. The guy was a hulk of muscle. I put my blindfold back down and tried to erase the image from my mind. My master knew it the moment I had done that. I doubted the moment I saw him, and Fear had entered the room. The man’s next move sent me over his back and slamming onto the ground. I tried to do a spinning kick to knock him down, but all I felt was my shin colliding into the side of his, and he never budged. I heard him laugh and soon I felt myself swept from the ground and hurled across the room. I’d had enough by this point, and lifted myself off the ground, ignoring the pain searing through my muscles and adjusting the blindfold to better cover my eyes. I let my senses wander, tried to indulge my senses into the Force. I heard everything go deafeningly quiet, like the calm before the storm. Suddenly, I hear footsteps, slow, powerful, but spaced rather distantly apart. He was running at me. I waited until the last possible second before taking a step forward and ducking downwards, then pushing up with my back, flipping him over my body. I turned around as he was still in midair and delivered an open-palm strike to his torso in midair. At the same time, I called upon the Force, sending a blast of wind-like energy from my hand and sending him careening into the wall. From what I could tell, he didn’t get back up.
“Impressive…Very impressive,” said the now far more interested council member. “You may continue to the next phase of your trials. You’ve done well here. Now you may proceed to the next trial.”
The next trials were easy. Basically all I had to do was choose the most righteous decision, and it wasn’t very difficult. I had no interest in making the other decisions presented anyway, so it wasn’t very hard. It was rather boring, but finally I got to the last trial.
Nine men walked out from a corridor, armed to the teeth with blaster rifles, repeaters, and strong armor that was stowed away in some of the supplies we sent to the general population, which was intended for the resistance in the first place. Glad to see it would be put to use. The council leader then handed me a data pad.
“I want you to take these men and infiltrate this structure. There will be a meeting with the city’s board of officials. You are to take each of them hostage. Once you have done so, secure the location and we’ll send reinforcements,” instructed the council leader.
“I thought you were going to give me an assignment, not a hostile takeover. Certainly we cannot be ready to move against them just yet,” I replied with confusion.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would that be?” he asked, giving me an incredulous look.
“What kind of ridiculous idea would it be to prematurely attack?” I retorted, resisting the urge to outright humiliate him.
“You are following my orders! Do not question them!”
“I am not questioning your orders; I am questioning the intelligence of them.”
The lead council member was fuming. Finally, he responded with, “You will do as I tell you and you will not ask otherwise.”
“The way I see it, I’m helping you, not vise (vice) versa, so I should be the one who decides how this operation is going to be run.”
“A kid like you couldn’t make such a decision!”
“Well it’s quite obvious a leader as old as yourself can’t either.”
There was silence in the room. Finally the leader said, “Fine, do what you will, but you will stick to the objectives.”
“Very well,” I answered concisely, still disagreeing with the sudden direct assault on the city’s infrastructure. I turned to the rest of the nine men who were still standing at attention behind me. “I want you all to fall out and we will reform and meet up a block away from the location in the apartment complex. We’ll move from there to infiltrate the city hall and take captive the officials. Render any guards unconscious, I want as few casualties as possible. If they open fire, then by all means open fire in return. Try not to set off any alarms either. I’ll meet you at the apartment complex in one hour. Move out!”
With that, the nine soldiers left instantly to prepare for the mission. I left the room via another exit and stepped into the lift. I wanted to freshen up and change before the mission. Jayde stepped into the turbolift next to me.
There was a moment of silence until she finally spoke, “You did exceptionally well for a student who’s never been very proficient in hand-to-hand combat.”
“I picked up some stuff from you,” I answered shortly, looking at her. She knew many different combat styles, including Teras Kasi, and I had picked up some of the moves just from watching. (Didn't you tell us something to this effect earlier? Not sure you need to repeat it ^.^)
“If you want to learn more, I’d be willing to teach you,” she offered, looking at him. “You let yourself doubt in that last fight though, and that was almost your downfall.”
I nodded. “I know, Master, I noticed it myself. I shouldn’t have lifted my blindfold. As for learning some more unarmed proficiency, I would appreciate that,” I replied.
“You do know your father is going to be there, right Strider?” she asked in an abrupt change of subject.
“Yes…I do know, Master, what are you insinuating?” I questioned, looking at her with confusion.
“Do you think you can pull it off by yourself?” she asked curiously, as if expecting it would be hard for me to face my own father.
“You aren’t coming along to help?” I asked, although already knowing the answer.
“No, I have to go back and help with distribution of supplies.” She responded concisely. (Grammar bug: It's "No, I have to go back and help with distribution of supplies," she responded concisely. You know this, too, since you get it right elsewhere ;))
“I’ll be fine,” I simply replied.
There was an awkward moment of silence between us.
“Think the mission will succeed?”
“We’ll find out.”
-------------------------
The trial action sequence is well done, I think, and as has already been pointed out here, action scenes are hard to do. XD I'm not sure what the point of the trial is, though. I mean, the resistance has freakin' Jedi here. Do you really need to test Jedi? And why take away his lightsaber? It's not like he's not going to be using it, oh, the entire rest of the time he's helping you.
I also like the whole lifting-the-blindfold thing, etc.
The Lead Council Member doesn't come off realistically. He's playing the role of the stereotypical Idiot Militaristic Authority Figure; but he doesn't have any logic behind his "Follow my orders! No questioning!" rantings, and people who say those kind of things always do have reasons, even if they're flawed ones. Also, Flamehart's parting jab - "Well it’s quite obvious a leader as old as yourself can’t either" isn't, well, obvious or insightful enough to get the LCM to suddenly give in. Clearly the LCM thinks he's just fine with the whole decision making thing, so why would this "kid" (if he REALLY would be thinking of a Jedi as just a "kid") saying he can't, make any difference?
On the other hand, Flamehart and Jayde come off pretty realistically, and I like their characters. :)
I wonder if there actually is a special reason for the Resistance Council members acting as quickly/prematurely as they are.
Okay, one more chapter. :D
Chapter 4
Hostile Takeover
I met the men in the apartment complex, I was wearing some darker Jedi tunic than normal, the cloth that runs along the front, the tabards, were instead of cloth, metal-plated for blaster protection. (Grammar bug: Split these sentences - end with "complex" and start again at "I was wearing", then either end at "normal" and start again at "the cloth that runs" or replace the comma with a semicolorn.) I wasn’t taking any chances, despite my own skill being more than well enough. The men listened attentively while I discussed the battle plan. “This apartment complex is close enough to the ceiling of the city hall for us to access the building from the roof. We’ll take the rooftop access door and go down, working our way to the conference room. I want you nine to split up and find a way to surround the conference room. The blueprints show there’s four entrances to the conference room. I want you men to split up into groups of three, and I’ll take the fourth door. Do not make any loud commotion if you can help it, and absolutely do not set off the alarms. Am I clear?”
The soldiers responded with a firm “yes sir,” and that was it. We moved to the rooftop of the apartments, and making use of the clever structure work in the city of Kyron, made our way over to the roof of the city hall. (What kind of clever structure work? This sounds too interesting to pass up describing :D) I attempted to open the door, and found it locked. One of the men started to move past me and attempt to plant an explosive, but I stopped him. “On a take down mission this would be smart, but the explosion will alert the guards. I have a much more efficient method.” The soldier nodded and backed away. I lifted my hand and waved it in front of the door, calling upon the Force. A click sound went off, and I opened the door. “Too easy, they need to invest in more security measures.” I grabbed my lightsaber hilt from my belt and walked down the stairs, the soldiers followed suit behind me. (Sentence split: end with "stairs", new sentence at "the soldiers") When we got onto the right level, we moved into the hallways, (Are these phrases supposed to be reversed? i.e. "We moved into the hallways. When we got to the right level..." etc.) I called upon the Force to distract the guards’ minds so the resistance solders could move behind them and render them unconscious with a swift blow to the back of the neck with the blaster rifle stocks. The guards fell to the ground instantly, as if their legs collapsed from under them. (You don't really need this sentence; doesn't tell us anything new and only calls on cliched imagery :)) We moved swiftly, until suddenly we heard footsteps coming from all directions. In moments, we were surrounded by the building’s armored elite security. My lightsaber was in my hand and activated in an instant, and my comrades had their weapons poised for combat.
“Drop your weapons and we won’t have any messes,” spoke one of the guards, aiming his blaster rifle at me.
My eyes darted around, counting the number of opponents in my head. There were twenty of them around us, and only ten of us. I brought my lightsaber to a defensive position. “Take two each men.” I ordered. Suddenly confusion swept over me, as I heard movement. I turned to see my nine men now facing me with guns poised.
“This is the end of the line, Jedi. You seriously thought that we didn’t have insiders in the resistance,” (You forgot the question mark! :) spoke the voice of the security team’s leader.
“If this is how it’s going to be, so be it,” I responded, bringing my lightsaber back to a defensive position, and now closing my eyes once more. I drew the Force into the room, feeling it’s (tiny nitpick: "its" is the word you're looking for. also - the Force wasn't in the room already?) energy swell up inside of me.
I heard a single sound of the first laser (hee... okay, geeky nitpick. Blaster rifles don't fire actual lasers, they fire "bolts" or "laser bolts", which are packets of coherent light as opposed to actual lasers or something like that.) being ejected from a blaster rifle, playing in slow motion in my ears. My arms and legs were already moving. I moved forward towards the nine men that were once under my command, bringing my lightsaber already (You don't need the word "already") to where the blast was, deflecting it. Many other sounds went off, and my hands moved in a swift motion. I felt like everything was moving in slow motion, the blaster rifles sounding off slowly, the movement of the bolts coursing towards my body sluggishly, but my body moving in real time, getting to the blasts before they get to me, knocking them away, moving in a blur. I pushed off the ground with my feet and leaped high into the air, doing a single somersault and landing in the middle of the nine traitors. My arms moved in a blur to them, almost so fast that it left an after image of where they had been before as I swiftly started to disarm or dispatch of the men. It wasn’t long before those nine were down on the ground, rendered incapable of combat, incapacitated, or dead. I heard several more sounds now, many more. The other twenty had opened fire. I had no opportunity to move anywhere, so I stood my ground and moved my arms, my lightsaber blade almost one long blur as I moved it all around myself, deflecting bolts everywhere.
For several minutes the fire I was under was nonstop. My arms were moving in a blur, the pain from doing it for so long was starting to swell in my upper arms. Finally there was a cease in fire, and my lightsaber was lowered to my side as I inhaled and exhaled deeply, barely able to move in my sweat-drenched tunic.
I could see it without opening my eyes. The guards were in astonishment. (doing what in astonishment? staring? gaping? etc) There was no way concentrated fire for so long could have been defended against by a single Jedi. I can’t explain how I had the ability to pull this off myself. I had trained many a day in the blindfolded test in the Jedi Temple, and apparently that training had paid off. I had my eyes closed for so long now, (that) had I not kept a mental image of the room, I’d have forgotten where I was. I could sense considerably less life force in the room. I must have killed a few guards while deflecting. I took this time now to raise my left hand and take some of the Force energy I had gathered up and hurled ('hurl' or 'I hurled' not 'hurled' - keep consistent tense) it at one of the groups of security guards, creating a powerful Force Push effect. They were floored, (hee.) as suddenly I turned around and rushed at another group, swinging my lightsaber furiously, taking them down in moments. I heard blaster fire going off again. My eyes still closed, I leaped up and kicked off of the nearest wall, launching myself towards the next group. I swung my lightsaber in a criss-cross motion in front of me, deflecting any bolts headed my way as I landed in the middle of them. I proceeded in dispatching them as well, decapitating limbs or disarming completely. I ignored their screams of pain, knowing that I really had no other choice, and leaped at the third group, who were now getting back up from the Force push. The fourth one already had moved in with the other three being they had lost so many. I felt a blaster bolt singe the cloth of my tunic as I landed behind them and ran the lightsaber blade through the chest of the guard who did it. I pulled it out and swung around, slaying any of them close enough to the blade. There was one last soldier left, backing away while firing. I deflected the blasts out of the way and kicked the man in the chest, knocking him down. I put the lightsaber blade to his neck after slashing his blaster rifle, and said to him in a harsh tone, “Take whoever else I’ve left alive, and get out of here.”
I turned and left towards the conference room, opening my eyes. I got to the first door leading into the conference room, and instead of opening the lock, I simply slashed downwards on the wooden doors, causing the lock to melt and the doors to swing open from the sheer force of the slash. All the board members turned, alarmed, except for one, who seemed to have been giving an oral presentation, just smiled at me as I walked in.
“Hello, Strider Flamehart,” said the man in a sharp, audible (you can cut 'audible' because... well... we know it's audible or we wouldn't be able to hear it :D) voice.
“You’ve been expecting me?” I asked, hiding the surprise inside me. (Why is he surprised? He knows that the entire team he had with him were a bunch of traitors. Why wouldn't the council be expecting him?)
“For many years now, I’ve been waiting for your return so you can see the wonderful things I’ve done for our home world,” he said in a very propaganda like manner. (You don't need this tagline - we get the whole "propaganda" feel, and "a very propaganda like manner" sounds awkward)
“You call this wonderful? I didn’t come here to side with you, I came here to take control and set things right,” I said back in a firm tone.
“Why do that when you could simply join me, and gain power beyond anything those Jedi can teach you?”
“It’s not power I seek. It’s justice. The Sith’s reign of Kyron is over. You’re coming with me…father.”
Okay, again you've got a really good action sequence. And I was surprised that all nine of the resistance team were traitors. I'm assuming the Lead Council Member I whined about in the last chapter was a traitor too, hence the "don't question my orders omg" thing? If so, then it's fine that he had all those lines before - but it's kind of odd that Flamehart doesn't notice something's wrong there.
The thing with situations that don't happen in quite the way that you expect, due to factors we don't know about at the time, is that you want to have the lead character (whose POV/head we're in) point this out, at least in thought. That way the reader thinks "okay, this isn't just a flaw in the plot, the author knows what he/she is doing and this will be explained later".
Okay, and another thing that bugged me... Flamehart's dad has terribly cliched dialogue. It would be nice to see him given a little more depth than "I'm evil, join me!" The best villains always have more depth than the cliche.
You can totally have the whole "join me and we shall RULE THE GALAXY (or THE PLANET or THE CITY or just THIS COUNCIL even)" thing, but you need to build up to it. Daddy needs to present his case and we need to get a sense of his motivations (besides I'M EVIL) first.
I still like Flamehart, and his singlemindedness is presented pretty effectively without coming off as boring. This isn't terribly easy to do. :)
I realize this is a short story, but the plot is going a bit fast. It might help if the non-actiony scenes were fleshed out a bit - specifically the dialogue sequences, which I think you let slide a bit. :D
Hm. I think I may have overdone this critiquing thing. Well... er... I hope this helps! :p
edit: Last comments:
Sorry for lack of updates. I'm currently working on Chapter 5 but I'm debating on whether or not to sift the story to the third person view. I want to do this because I realize I can describe the surroundings in scenes better because I'm not limited by the narrator's senses. I want to know what you guys think. The story will still be centralized around Strider's views, but itll be told in third person instead of first, so I can describe environmental stuff better.
Now that I've read everything I don't know if I agree that you need to switch to 3rd person - I don't think you need to describe more environmental stuff than what the character can see. Tons of beginning writers do this (especially myself!) and it can get to be overkill really fast. It can lead to alot of "me write pretty!" text that the reader generally skips over anyway, and just bogs down the story. ;)
Of course, I may be misunderstanding - maybe you just want to show stuff in the story going on that Strider doesn't know about? In that case, go for it.
Dude... she's my age... is she cute? :p
Gah - I keep forgetting you're a guy. :D I think it's because your writing style reminds me of a couple friends of mine... XD
Wow, thanks for the pointers.
As for saying I wish to add more detail into the environment, I just want to sift to third person because I can simply say more about what's going on around the Strider may or may not notice. Also, on top of that, it may be written in a third person perspective, but it's still going to focus on Strider, and will probably rarely invade the thoughts of other characters. I forget what the technical name for that kind of third person is, but that's what I'm aiming for. My reasoning for writing in third person is it feels awkward using I or something every other sentence, because it sound's a bit redundant to me, I don't know if it's supposed to or not, but I think it's just a personal quirk with me and that's why I don't like writing my opinion on school related essays <_< >_>
As for some of your comments, you're right about me not spanning the dialogue enough, and that's why I skipped over some information about the rooftop structureowrks and such, because I purely just don't have a good enough mental image of it to write about it. I do intend to go back through these chapters some other time and add more stuff to them, particularly third and fourth because they're the longest and I was experimenting with the actual story itself, since the introductory chapters were over.
I see your geeky nitpick, and you know I was wondering if and when someone would point that out, I just didn't have the first time to go back and change it. I wasn't thinking of the technical fanatics that might read this, but it definitely did cross my mind.
As for your comment regarding when they were moving in, no that was the order I intended. They were moving down a staircase towards the right level, then they opened those doors and moved into the hallways.
Thanks for also pointing out some of the more redundant and seemingly contradicting parts in the dialogue, I'll do my best to clean those up. As for Strider being surprised, it was because they were more expecting literally him, not just any random Jedi.
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Oh crap. Halfway through typing this I scrolled up more and realized your critiqued the other chapters too. I'll look through those too when I get the chance. Thanks for the tips and pointers.
Also, just so you know, I'm not trying to be a professional writer or anything. I'm writing this sheerly for fun, so I do expect there to be errors, but in all the critique is greatly appreciated, and I'll take those tips into mind when I continue writing the fifth chapter. Feel free to continue with the critique, and I realize I did leave out some things that I should have included in Strider's thoughts, because as you said, there were some things it seems he should have noticed or didn't react properly to. I have no explanation other than the fact I really wasn't focusing on dialogue as much. As for Strider's father, yeah I was told by several others he came off sounding clichй, but I do have reasoning for this. Namely, he was in a room full of directors. Had he said something less...zealous regarding the Sith, they'd question his motive. I do realize that by this point they're cornered by a Jedi and his motives mean jack diddly in that situation, but in the case of event that they did survive and the Sith did win, Strider's father wouldn't want them to be able to turn on him and tell the Sith he went soft because it was his son. Hope that makes sense. Now that I actually wrote that here, I need to include that in the dialogue in the fifth chapter.
Also, the council leader was rather brash, because hes rather young and isn't used to feeling less superior than another. You'll see a much more compromising, agreeable side of him in chapter 5 when he sees Strider return and deliver his report about what happened.
Gah - I keep forgetting you're a guy. :D I think it's because your writing style reminds me of a couple friends of mine... XD
And maybe due to the fact that all of my RP characters are girls? :p
It's funny really... I've tried writing guys and have rather enjoyed it, but either they die or the RP dies... sorta strange, but I've accepted it and fallen into the pattern that keeps me participating:D
I forget what the technical name for that kind of third person is, but that's what I'm aiming for.
Third person limited omniscient, I believe. XD
My reasoning for writing in third person is it feels awkward using I or something every other sentence, because it sound's a bit redundant to me, I don't know if it's supposed to or not, but I think it's just a personal quirk with me and that's why I don't like writing my opinion on school related essays <_< >_>
It shows you have good writerly instincts (redundancy is usually bad). XD However, there are some words in the English language that are completely invisible to readers, and only stick out to the writer... "I" and "said" being two of these. :)
As for your comment regarding when they were moving in, no that was the order I intended. They were moving down a staircase towards the right level, then they opened those doors and moved into the hallways.
Hm, it makes sense to me now. Dunno why it didn't last night. XD
Thanks for also pointing out some of the more redundant and seemingly contradicting parts in the dialogue, I'll do my best to clean those up. As for Strider being surprised, it was because they were more expecting literally him, not just any random Jedi.
Well, I get that, but I was under the impression that the resistance group knew his name. I guess I was mistaken ^^
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Oh crap. Halfway through typing this I scrolled up more and realized your critiqued the other chapters too. I'll look through those too when I get the chance. Thanks for the tips and pointers.
Yeah, uh, I may have got a bit carried away. :D
As for Strider's father, yeah I was told by several others he came off sounding clichй, but I do have reasoning for this. Namely, he was in a room full of directors. Had he said something less...zealous regarding the Sith, they'd question his motive. I do realize that by this point they're cornered by a Jedi and his motives mean jack diddly in that situation, but in the case of event that they did survive and the Sith did win, Strider's father wouldn't want them to be able to turn on him and tell the Sith he went soft because it was his son. Hope that makes sense. Now that I actually wrote that here, I need to include that in the dialogue in the fifth chapter.
Besides that? A good way to get the reader to accept Strider's daddy's cliche-speak is to have Strider respond in an unexpected way, rather than the way he does (which is kinda familiar in itself - "Justice!".)
Also, the council leader was rather brash, because hes rather young and isn't used to feeling less superior than another. You'll see a much more compromising, agreeable side of him in chapter 5 when he sees Strider return and deliver his report about what happened.
Oh, no, that wasn't my problem with him - just that he sounded cliche, basically. XD
And, yeah, I realize all this isn't meant to be published or anything. :D
WJ: It's not just that - it's your writing style. I've noticed you tend to write girls like alot of girls I know write girls (except with a little less guy-obsessing ;))
heh... Red, you're making me want to add a brother for Elaina and Tanara to PTH :p
The clichй of the dialogue has an explanation
9 times out of 10 it resulted from I had a planned out dialogue beforehand, as in when I started the chapter, and by the time I got to the point where I would actually use it, I either forgot it or something in real life distracted me from it and I forgot what it was, so had to throw in something clichй and easy to think up until I could revise it later, which I will. I'm going to go to writing Chapter 5 now, I shouldn't be too much longer. I'll start adding some of the suggestions into play as I continue writing, but I won't go back and fix any errors at the beginning of Chapter 5 until I decide to go back and revise.
FINALLY...finished PART ONE of Chapter 5. I intend to expand more into the "shift of power" onto the planet, but I -really- wanted to get an update out the door just so you guys and girls could get an idea of where it's going. I present to thee, part one of Chapter 5.
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Chapter 5
Shift of Power
Part 1
Strider walked into the conference room of the resistance. He seemed furious. His angry presence was so powerful it could have been felt by the board even before he entered the room. The lead council member stood up and greeted Strider.
“I heard about what happened from the message you sent before you got back, I had no idea the men were insiders,” he said quickly and in an attempted reassuring tone. He then asked in a surprised tone, after thinking about it, “Now that I think about it though…how did you get out of there alive?”
“Their blasters were no match for my abilities,” Strider simply answered. He was furious, and even though his outward expression was calm and emotionless, it was evident still in the swiftness of his movements. Strider closed his eyes and tried to calm himself. He wanted to hit something, to tear something apart, to ventilate his anger on something, but he knew better. He knew what these emotions could lead to. He took a deep breath and tried to let it out. He opened his eyes and looked at the council leader. “I captured the board of directors. They’re being taken into the holding cells. What you decide to do with them is your choice,” said Strider.
“What do you mean our choice? Do you not want a say? After all this is your home planet too Strider,” questioned the council leader.
“I want nothing to do with them,” Strider retorted. “My father betrayed my home world, and this was the result. For that, I…” Strider paused. He sensed his Master’s presence in the room. He turned his head slightly and saw his Master in the corner of his eye in the doorway.
“For that you what, Strider?” Jayde asked in a curious tone, her arms folded and giving Strider a penetrating stare with her emerald green eyes.
“I couldn’t care less about what happens to him, that’s what,” finished Strider. He turned to face Jayde. “He turned this planet over to the Sith for his own personal gain,” he said, fuming once more.
Jayde walked forward and looked at Strider. She was slightly shorter than him by a few inches, causing her to have to look upward slightly. “Relax. Maybe you should confront him, Strider, and find out his motives. He’ll talk to you if he thinks you’re willing to listen. If you can get him to admit everything he’s done, then that’ll just make this planet’s appeal to the Senate for aid that much easier when they hear a confession,” she suggested. Her voice seemed to echo wisdom in Strider’s ears.
“Maybe I’ll do that,” agreed Strider, breaking her penetrating gaze. It felt as if she was drilling into his head sometimes, and he knew very well she could see what he was thinking at times anyway. He was never very good at blocking his mind, a trait he would have to work on later. He walked past Jayde, heading into the lift and taking it down to go to the holding cells.
When he arrived, the former officials were still there, thankfully, and being watched by much more reliable guards. Strider walked down through the monotone gray holding cells, the hum of the containment fields loudly evident due to their older models, walked around a few corners, until he finally came face to face with his father, located in a secluded cell from the rest of the board members.
Strider shared a striking resemblance with his father. They both had messy black hair and similar facial features and skin tone. Strider almost felt like he was staring at his future self. “To think I’m going to grow up to look something like that…I just hope I don’t end up like him,” thought Strider.
His father was the first to decide what to say, “You must not judge me by what I said in the meeting room, Strider. I was surrounded by the board. If I hadn’t given you that alternative offer or if I had acted soft in any way, I would have been ratted out by those buffoons to the Sith, and I’d be –…”
“How could you do what you’ve done to this planet?” Strider interrupted firmly, looking at his father with fire in his blue eyes.
“It was either side with them or die, son. Which would you have rather I done?” asked Strider’s father, looking at him questioningly.
“I would have preferred you resist and die trying. Kyron had far capable technology to fight off a Sith invasion. But instead you sat around like idle fools and let yourselves be taken over, no questions asked,” Strider replied, glaring at his father.
Their voices echoed off the metal walls of the underground prison as they spoke to each other, the other board members, however, were too secluded from each other for any of them to be able to hear any of the conversation. Strider’s fists were clenched, and his steady, drilling glare wasn’t helping Strider’s father come up with words of persuasion any easier.
“W-Well, y-you see son, there was profit to be gained…. I figured that with the money I earned I could… later b-buy Kyron’s freedom from the Si-…” stuttered Strider’s father.
“He expects me to buy such an impractical, foolish idea?” thought Strider. “Then you’re even more a fool than I thought, father,” interrupted Strider, “The Sith have no interest in money. On top of that, I know you too well. You’re doing it for profit only. You don’t care about this planet. You just want more money for yourself; you’ll abandon Kyron once it loses its worth and go to the next planet.”
“You…You don’t know what I’ve been trying to do here for Kyron, son! I’m your father! I have nothing but the best interests for this planet! Don’t you get it? I’ve been secretly trying to develop my own scheme against the Sith,” Strider’s father started to shout, trying to get Strider to believe him.
“Shut up,” said Strider, “I’ve heard enough of your lies about your attempts to save this planet. Even as a child I didn’t find you very trustworthy.” Strider paused, and then asked another question, changing the topic, “What happened to my mother? Is she still alive or did your foolish decisions cause her to die?”
“That’s something you’ll have to ask the council here…She left me long ago.” Strider’s father said solemnly, looking away.
Strider blinked. “The council…? Why would they know about her whereabouts?” Strider thought. He looked back at his father and spoke again, “The Sith are coming crashing down, father, there’s nothing you can do to stop it. I suggest you figure out what to do with what’s left of your time, because I sure as heck will not be around to save your sorry rear.” With that, Strider turned and walked out of the cells. As he went back up the lift, he found Jayde with the rest of the council in the meeting chamber, where he had left them.
Jayde greeted Strider as he returned and questioned him, “Welcome back Strider. Well, what did you find out?”
Strider shrugged and responded, “He’s clearly guilty of what he’s done. He tried to persuade me that he’s been trying to develop a plan against the Sith. It’s a lie; I can see it in his expression. On top of that, he was using the planet as a profitable gain from the Sith.”
Jayde and the council leader nodded. Finally, the council leader said, “We’re going to start mobilizing our men against the Sith. It’ll be some time before they’re all in position. You have two hours to do what you wish, we will send someone to retrieve you once our men are in place and the battle plan decided.”
Jayde responded, “Thank you, sir. I’m sure Strider and I can do something within two hours to prepare.” She bowed lightly to the council leader, who bowed in return and left the room with the rest of the council. Jayde turned and faced Strider once again. “Ready for your first lesson in unarmed combat?” She offered.
Strider shrugged, “Sure…why not? I’ll ask the leader about my mother later. I need to focus on the situation at hand. Besides, the training can’t be that bad,” he thought, and tossed his cloak aside, walking past her and crossing to the other side of the room. He started to take his lightsaber off his belt and toss it aside, but Jayde interrupted him.
“Hold onto it. Set it to training level.” Jayde instructed.
Strider nodded and simply turned around. “What’s she up to?” he wondered. He brought his lightsaber up to his normal battle stance; his body and head turned sideways and the blade held at a slight tilt at shoulder-level.
[Off topic note: For those who’ve played Knights of the Old Republic, Revan’s stance in the flashback sequence of the fight between Bastila and Revan]
“Make your move, my apprentice,” she beckoned, moving into a defensive stance, no lightsaber drawn.
Strider moved forward and swung downward with his lightsaber at Jayde, his swing so swift, if Jayde had blinked, she’d have missed it.
However, Jayde didn’t blink, and was already moving. Her foot stepped back, allowing her body to turn sideways out of harm’s way, then she kicked upwards with the same back foot and knocked Strider’s hand out of the way. Using the same foot, she then kicked downward at one of Strider’s shins, causing him to stumble onto one knee. Then she proceeded on stepping beside him and delivering an elbow-strike to his back, knocking him onto his front.
Strider grunted, turning his head slightly to see Jayde walk around him. “How the heck did she do that…?” He thought. “I’ll get her this time…” He rolled onto his back and jumped back up feet-first. He swung again in a triple slash combo at Jayde. Jayde dodged each one, then leaped up and kicked Strider in the chest, causing him to stumble back. Strider grunted and jabbed forward with his lightsaber in another attacking attempt. Jayde leaned to the side to dodge it, then grabbed Strider’s wrist and twisted it, causing him to drop his lightsaber. The lightsaber deactivated, and Jayde kicked it aside with her foot, causing it to tatter against the floor and land next to Strider’s robe.
Strider groaned as he stood again, looking at his master, his breathing uneven, “How did you…” he breathed in, trying to catch his breath, then continued, “pull something like that off?” he questioned.
“I don’t have time to teach you any technique, but maybe you’ll learn something from this. Watch your enemy’s muscle movement; it’ll usually give away what they’re going to do next. Surely you’ve learned this from learning how to tell which direction someone is going to fire a blaster bolt deflection as well. Same thing applies. All you have to do is think if your own creative way of taking their attack and turning it against them. I’ll teach you some more technique and actual moves when we have more time to train for it back at the Academy. I know some Teras Kasi, and some other forms of unarmed combat. I figure no one better to teach it all to than my own apprentice that way the information gets passed along. I expect you to teach your apprentice with the same idea in mind.”
Strider nodded, and answered with a strict formality he personally didn’t prefer to use, but felt it highly appropriate given this situation.
“Yes, Master Averre.”
He bowed lightly, then continued, “I’ll take what you have said into mind.”
Moments later footsteps were heard echoing off the marble floor as the council leader approached them. “Master Averre, Jedi Flamehart, our men have started moving. They’re resisting against the Sith authorities at all city checkpoints and stations. They’ve started the fight back. It’s not going as smoothly as planned, of course, and I’m hoping that you would choose to join them on the field to help,” he reported.
Strider thought for a minute, his blue eyes wandering the room for a moment. He then looked at the leader and asked, “What exactly is your plan of action?”
“We know that the Sith will send several of their largest battle cruisers to crush the resistance once we take back the city. Kyron has some small Sith fighters in a secured hangar. They have codes that would allow them to dock with the battle cruisers. We’ll use those ships to board the Sith cruiser, and then we’ll then take them out with high grade explosives. During this, one of our other teams will work to reprogram the planetary defenses online to protect us from future Sith attack,” stated the council member. “Does that all check out for you, Flamehart?” he asked.
Strider nodded, using the Force to summon his lightsaber from the ground and into his hand. “That sounds perfectly fine to me. Let’s take back the planet.”
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And so ends the first part of chapter 5. The second part will include the battle scene on the streets, and their hostile takeover of a Sith battlecruiser. Basically, Chapter 5 will conclude the end of Sith reign on Kyron, then Chapter 6'll probably finish up with Kyron and end with Strider & Jayde being debriefed on this mission. The next few chapters will probably deal with some time Strider spends at the Temple, just so you guys have an idea of what to be anticipated for. Hope you enjoy this first part of chapter 5, I tried to expand some dialogue a bit, attempted to keep my character's single-minded nature while sifting to third person. Let me know how you think it played out. If more people preferred first person than third, let me know. I wasn't as descriptive as I could have been in the training scene seen in this chapter, because I was really wanting to get this chapter out the door for you guys to read.
When I go back to revise the chapters, I'll include some more finer detailed points, and depending on which "person" perspective got more approval, I'll change and edit them accordingly. What I mean is, if third person got more approval, I'll revise 1-4 in that manner. If first person did, I'll revise 5 and on with first person in mind. Hope you all enjoy.
It's going great so far but I feel the transition to third person was a little too drastic, but it doesn't mean it's not great because it is... keep it up.... :)
I'm personally thinking on going back to first person, I just felt a little more comfortable telling the story through Strider's eyes. The only problem I had was a feeling of redundancy, but I'm pretty sure I've got a way to narrow it down. I'm sorry for the confusion but I just wanted to try third person out for part of a chapter and see how it played out. I'll probably sift back to first person for the second half of chapter 5.
Alright... I'm waiting for the next part oh and thanks for what you said about my story being alright :)
Well just so you all know, I've started the second part in third person, I've been playing around with it a bit more come up with some ideas that I could pull off better in third person than first, I'm thinking I'm going to stick with it.
I say go for it... and I look forward to more :)
Okay, there's too much to tell in this chapter that I can simply just seperate it into two parts, so there's going to probably be a part 3 and 4 for Chapter 5, here's part two, I've been working on it all day since 4:15 PM and I just finished it a few minutes ago.
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Chapter 5
Shift of Power
Part 2
It wasn’t long before Strider and Jayde were properly fitted for urban combat in terms of armor. The two Jedi were escorted through the underground resistance base to a tram. They boarded the tram and waited as it sped through fairly nondescript underground tunnels. Finally, they arrived at a station several miles away from the resistance base. There were resistance soldiers all over the place. As Strider and Jayde exited the tram and began to walk up the stairs to the surface, they saw more and more soldiers around the station.
As Strider and Jayde reached the surface, they felt the blast of the hot winds on their skin. Blaster shots, explosions, and sounds of human, or alien, agony were heard off in the distance.
Strider turned and looked at Jayde, and spoke in a loud enough tone to be heard over the winds, “Kyron used to have calmer weather. This is blistering heat…did the Sith screw up the planet that badly?”
Jayde nodded and replied with remorse in her tone, “I’m afraid so, Strider. Hopefully the planet is not beyond restoration, however. We’ll have to see if the Senate is willing to invest on it if Kyron decides to return to the Republic. Keep your mind focused on the task at hand Strider. I don’t want your personal feelings about the outcome of the planet to interfere with what needs to be done, my apprentice.”
Strider nodded, “Don’t worry, master. I have focus on what needs to be done. Kyron’s result does not anger me. It’s who did it that does, and since he’s not here, I consider myself rather level headed right now.”
Jayde nodded, but before she could respond there was a large explosion heard rather near by. Strider made eye contact with her and they shared a nod.
Strider stepped forward and addressed one of the nearby soldiers, “Sergeant, I need you to dispatch me with as many men as you can spare so we can assist some of the men already out on the field.”
The sergeant turned and looked at Strider like he was crazy, “You must be insane. We’ve already lost well over thirty men to each security checkpoint. Being there’s six in the city, that’s one hundred and eighty men lost already. We don’t have much to spare.”
Strider looked at the sergeant for a moment, and then realized he didn’t recognize him as a Jedi due being fitted with armor. “They didn’t have two Jedi helping them take over those six checkpoints, now did they sergeant?”
The sergeant blinked, saluted, then replied, “I apologize, sir, I did not recognize you. I’ll dispatch you with twelve of our best stationed at this point, they should do more than well enough to assist you.” He turned around and shouted some commands to some soldiers idling in the tram station. Twelve soldiers ran out and formed up next to Strider and Jayde. The sergeant spoke to them, informing them who they would be taking orders from.
Jayde nodded at the sergeant in thanks, then spoke to the twelve men, “Split up into two sets of six. I’ll lead one set; my apprentice Strider shall lead the other.”
The men wasted no time, and formed up next to the two Jedi. Strider and Jayde gave each other a reassuring nod before they set off into the capital city of Kyron.
Strider was able to identify the type of weather, after a bit of thinking. “Most of the regions of Kyron have been nearly stripped to nothing but desolate wastelands, and many are as much of a desert as the one the capital city was built on…This is definitely a sandstorm, caused by sand from the city outskirts, and from whatever regions may have been stripped to nothing but dirt” Strider devised. Dirt was kicked up by the wind and was flying everywhere. It was a very gritty, limited visibility battlefield. A Sith artillery could have been standing twenty feet in front of Strider and he wouldn’t have seen it.
He had his lightsaber on and out as he traveled with his six men. Jayde and he had split up awhile ago at a street intersection. It wasn’t long before Strider caught up to the resistance members at one of the security checkpoints. It couldn’t be described in much other way than a brutal blaster holdout. Both sides were exchanging blaster fire through the blinding grit. Occasionally a howl of pain would be heard if someone on either side got hit with a blaster bolt to a weak point in their armor. Several stray shots came their way, as Strider and his men took cover with the rest of the resistance troops. Strider stood up and closed his eyes, so as not to be distracted by the sand. He entrusted himself to his abilities once more.
The Sith soldiers saw the Jedi stand up and step out from behind any of the barriers, lightsaber drawn. They were hesitant to fire at first, and then realized there were no resistance men covering him. They opened fire on the Jedi, figuring he couldn’t block a majority of them at once.
They were wrong.
Strider’s arms moved in a blur around him, leaving an afterimage of where they were last with each deflection. The Sith continued their barrage of fire, hoping this Jedi would get tired. Strider kept walking forward slowly, deflecting shot after shot. His arms were beginning to tire, until suddenly the Sith suddenly took cover again. Strider lowered his saber, his arms feeling rather heavy from the muscle strain. Suddenly, he sensed something coming, and rolled to the side behind a small barricade near some resistance soldiers. Just as he rolled, a Sith artillery blast had fired and the large blaster bolt emitted from it had passed where Strider was standing moments before. The blast hit the ground a few meters behind the resistance soldiers and exploded.
The soldiers’ morale was broken in a heartbeat. None of them were expecting to face any Sith artillery, and seeing something they weren’t prepared to deal with certainly wasn’t making them feel any better. Strider tried to bring them under order, and shouted at them, “I’ll draw fire. As soon as they open up, I want you men to move in and take down the soldiers, we’ll work our way to that artillery and take it out!”
There was no way the Sith soldiers had heard this conversation over the blasting winds and the now constant firing artillery. Another round hit the wall next to where Strider and four resistance soldiers were huddled. Debris and shrapnel were sent flying over their heads, followed by shouts of terror from the soldiers nearby. There was a brief moment of deafness from the blast as Strider had covered his face for a moment, and then opened his eyes to look at his fellow soldiers. Sound was slowly returning to his ears, and was starting to make out the sounds of the blaster bolt firing there at the checkpoint, and the sounds of battle far off were also returning to his ears. His hearing was back to normal before long, and he could see the blast hadn’t helped improve their morale any at all, and decided if he was going to make his move, it better be now while they had some sense of priority left in their mind for the mission.
The Sith were waiting. As soon as Strider was up and running, they opened fire. Strider swung his lightsaber in a brilliant display as he ran to the side, deflecting bolts out of harm’s way. Shortly after, the resistance soldiers peered over their barricades and opened fire at the Sith with what little courage they had left. Many of their blaster bolts hit home, the Sith soldiers letting out screams of pain as they fell.
By this time, Strider had almost sprinted to the other side of the street. As he began slowing down his pace, he heard something in the distance. It was the sound of the next artillery blaster bolt coming at him; it seemed as if it was in slow motion to him, almost able to make out the sound of the bolt tearing through the gritty, sand-polluted air. Strider quickened his previously slowing pace; it wasn’t long before he was along the side of a building. He leaped and ran along the wall as the artillery blast collided with the wall behind him. He lost whatever momentum he had on the wall and landed on the ground. Shortly after impact with the ground he collapsed, apparently the impact of the blast had shaken him up. Strider pulled himself groggily to his feet, knowing he couldn’t stay still for too long. After all this time he still hadn’t identified what kind of Sith artillery it was, whether it is a tank or a weapon emplacement. He heard the sound of another blast from the Sith artillery being emitted, tearing through the air, and instead of going at him, it flew right past him, well off target. Strider tried to figure out what on earth it was firing at, but then realized too late what had happened. “Blast!…That last shot wasn’t aimed at me…the resistance soldiers had gotten up and tried to move forward…it’s firing at them now…I’ve got to do something if I want more than decapitated limbs of former soldiers fighting alongside of me,” he thought grimly. Strider got up and started to proceed forward slowly. He kept near the side of the building, and hoped that he wouldn’t be detected providing he stayed out of an open area. It wasn’t long before he could make the shape of the Sith artillery. It was a design he wasn’t familiar with, and was seemingly firing off explosive blaster bolts of some kind. Of course, Strider didn’t consider himself an expert in the field of blaster technology, so there wasn’t any way he could logically explain how any of it worked. Another round fired off back at the security checkpoint, and he could only hope that the soldiers had taken cover from the attacks. Strider decided now was the time to make his move. He ran up the side of it, lightsaber held ready, and cut the entry hatch to the weapon open. Inside were three Sith soldiers and an officer. They all turned with an expression of surprise written all over their face. Strider wasted no time in removing them and rendering the panels inside the weapon useless.
This was apparently the last of the opposition, as the sounds of gunfire immediately near Strider and the checkpoint had ceased. The level of urgency seemed to have dissipated, and Strider felt a bit of calm come over his body. He had accomplished capturing the first security checkpoint. He realized they had to succeed in capturing all of them, but he rested easy knowing one of them was secured. He walked back towards the checkpoint, finding many of the soldiers he had seen when he arrived still alive and well, now securing the checkpoint. Strider heaved a sigh of relief, glad that the efforts weren’t in vain. Many of the soldiers were smiling and congratulating Strider for his accomplishment. Strider simply nodded, and thanked them for the support. He helped them set up a perimeter around the checkpoint and make sure it was secure. All the time he was wondering about his master. He had a connection with her, and could still tell she was doing well, but suddenly a thought crossed his mind.
“How could I doubt her? If she could beat me with a lightsaber, considering all the things I can do with one, she’s more than capable of handling a dozen or more soldiers with blaster rifles…In fact…I almost feel sorry for the Sith for what they’ve gotten themselves into.”
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And so ends part two of God knows how many parts this chapter'll be split up into. I just wanted to get some stream of updates going so you all won't get bored. I'll start working on part three tomorrow, and it will most likely be in Jayde's perspective about what's going on on her end of the mission. I probably won't get that update done until Friday, unless Thursday proves to be a rather productive day as today was :)
Hope you all enjoy this part.
Great again, you're really good...keep it up
Thanks for the encouragement. If you people have any constructive criticism, let me know what it is. I'd also like to know some things you all liked about it, so I know what's currently being enjoyed and what parts I need to make more enjoyable.
Well I like the story... had a piece of sentence correction to offer, but forgot exactly what it was or where the sentence was... but ya, you really know how to keep a person interested in your story... good amount of action. Just remember that it can't all be action. If it is, there's no story and the reading gets tiresome. A few well timed discussions and breaks in the fighting enhance a story very nicely. :)
Of course, but if you noticed the first part was mostly all dialogue, and the rest of the parts is mostly the takeover of Strider's homeplanet, so there's going to be quite a bit of action scenes and there's not much I can do with it. The end of this mission isn't the end of Part 1 though, and Strider isn't so singleminded here because he's rather concentrated on the fact he's dealing with his home planet. When he gets back to the temple and participates in less personal missions, he'll be more like his casual, opinionated self. I realize the lack of dialogue could make the action scenes overdone and too abundant, but it's basically just because this was mostly a war they got themselves tied into. It's like Lord of the Rings...lots of dialogue, then about an hour of battle, then more dialogue :) lol I'll try to include more dialogue here and there between the action scenes. There'll definately be more dialogue once Strider and Jayde are back together for part 4. Part 3 will probably be what Jayde is doing on her end, and Part 4 will probably be when they team up after all the checkpoints have been secured and they move on the Sith capital ships.
Schoolwork's had me bogged down, but part 3's done. It's considerably shorter, and I was rushed to get it out the door because I had a limited window to work on it. Part four will be spectacular, if I can get everything in my head on paper without forgetting any of it this weekend. Expect part four sometime this weekend or next week.
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Chapter 5
Shift of Power
Part 3
Blaster fire ripped into the metallic walls of the building that Jayde and her troops were next to. Several bolts ricocheted off, but went harmlessly in another direction. The soldiers took extra precaution to stay out of the way in that scenario. When the resistance soldiers took cover again while the Sith returned fire, one soldier took a grenade from his belt, pulled the pin, and threw it in a sideways arc over the barricade they were ducked behind. Jayde waited for it, and as soon as it exploded, she was moving. The explosion deafened most of them with the usual high pitched screech and blurred vision, but Jayde simply relied on her instincts and the Force as she ran through the upturned dirt and debris from the explosion of the grenade. It wasn’t long before she was in the middle of four Sith soldiers. They realized she was there and turned to fire on her.
Unfortunately for them, Jayde was faster. She kicked out with her left foot in an arc, knocking one gun clean from a Sith soldier’s hands. She turned her body so her right foot was now in front, and kicked the Sith soldier’s shin in. As he leaned forward from the impact of his leg slipping from under him, she swiftly ducked down to avoid blaster fire from the other three soldiers, moved her back underneath the slipping Sith soldier, then flipped him over her back towards the other three soldiers, his torso taking the blaster shots from the other three. “One down, three to go,” she thought as she leaped from her crouched position at a second Sith, sweeping her foot sideways at him and making contact with his neck, knocking him across the ground.
A third soldier was behind her, he attempted to deal a blow to the back of her head. Jayde leaned to the side as his fist flew over her shoulder. She grabbed his fist with her left hand and pulled the Sith forward, bringing him close enough for her to hook her foot around the back of one of his legs and jerk forward, causing him to lose his balance, then jammed her right elbow into his torso, sending him crashing into the ground. The fourth soldier was backing away by now, attempting to fire while do so. Jayde ran at him, dodging shot after shot, then moved close to the building wall nearby and leaped up, running along side of the wall. Several shots peppered the wall near her; she leaped off the wall and landed on the ground behind the fourth Sith soldier. Before he could turn, she reached forward and in a swift twisting motion, snapped his neck instantly. He crumpled lifeless to the ground, and Jayde moved behind a structure support before the remaining Sith soldiers near the other barricade realized what happened to their comrades.
It didn’t take them long, and blaster fire kept Jayde pinned where she was. During all this, the resistance members had been focusing on firing at a third and fourth group of Sith soldiers hiding behind barricades at the security checkpoint. She ducked down to make sure nothing would come close to hitting her, and tried to focus on the second group of four Sith soldiers behind the second barricade. She closed her eyes and listened to the sounds around her. She drew her focus specifically on the four soldiers, nothing else.
Suddenly, she heard a pin being pulled from their direction amongst the blaster fire. She heard the sounds of the bolts being emitted cease, and heard now the sound of the grenade coursing through the air. Jayde stood up and ran out from her cover behind the structure support and ran towards the four Sith. They raised their rifles to fire; the grenade was still going through its path in midair. Jayde drew the Force around her and used it to give her a temporary burst of speed towards them, leaping in the air. Jayde delivered a spinning kick in midair, making direct contact with the grenade, sending it soaring back towards the Sith. As soon as the grenade hit the ground amongst them, its fuse was up and exploded. Jayde hit the ground and rolled to avoid the debris and shrapnel. She moved to a kneeling position just in time to see a third group of Sith stand from their barricade to open fire. Jayde drew her lightsaber hilt and ignited her violet blade. She deflected the blasts while moving towards cover. The resistance members made their move here. They had already dealt with the fourth group of Sith, and now focused their fire on the third group, who were too busy focused on the dark-haired female Jedi, and fell swiftly from the blaster fire from the resistance without realizing what hit them. The sounds of combat were calming. Jayde lowered her lightsaber blade, looking towards the other men. They talked amongst themselves as they spread out to secure the checkpoint. Jayde let out a sigh of relief. They had successfully cleared the area. Her comlink went off and she answered it, to be greeted by a familiar voice.
“Master Averre?”
Relief flooded through Jayde to hear that her apprentice had made it through safely. She had heard over the radio from one of the resistance soldiers that there was a Sith artillery at that checkpoint, and was relieved to hear Strider managed.
“Master Averre, are you there?” came his voice again.
Jayde brought it to her mouth and replied, “Good to hear you’re alright Flamehart, how’s everything on your end?”
“Pretty good, I’d say. I had a bit of trouble with some Sith artillery of an unknown model, but I managed to dispatch of it. How’d things go there?” Strider asked. His tone was articulate, but he seemed to be struggling for words, as if the battle had drained him of energy.
“You sound tired. You’ve secured the area, correct? Take a few minutes to rest. I’m sure you’ve been running around to nearby area to interfere with the movement of Sith reinforcements,” she said, knowing all to well Strider’s manner.
“You know me too well, Master. I’ve got two soldiers here who’re going to escort me to the hangar here in a bit,” he informed.
“Strider, are you sure you’re ready to take on a Sith battle cruiser? I mean, we haven’t covered that area of training yet,” she said jestingly with a smile.
A laugh was heard over the comlink, and then Strider’s voice rang in with a reply, “Of
course, Jayde. See you at the hangar?”
“I wouldn’t want to miss out, so yes. See you soon, my young apprentice,” she replied, hooking her comlink back on her belt.
Two of the soldiers came over to Jayde, saluted, then stated in a firm voice, “We have orders to escort you to the hangar to meet up with your apprentice and a small regiment to invade the Sith battle cruisers forming overhead. Are you ready to leave?”
Jayde nodded and replied, “Yes, let’s get going. The sooner the better.”
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