Never shall we dwell in darkness and sin, the light shall pour forth from feeling and emotion.
Always will I tell myself, the promises I've made, the heart I dare to keep, the dream I dare to dream.
Seldom do the dreams come true, seldom more of I and you. Forevermore the moon shall shine, back in heaven, the dreams were mine.
I stand alone, atop the world, it is but mine to make, shall it break me no more. Bewildered by love, held in hope by dreams -I ride the spiral to the end, now I go where no one's been.
tomorrow is another day
and mayhaps I will tell you
all about something called
blue stationary
blue stationary,
I will try to remember
to post it tomorrow,
going zzz soon.
a long time ago when I was in Art School (are you listening Jofa?) I was in art school therefore I was a wannabe art fag. anyway there were 2 girls in the school; there were more actually, but these two were the Shelly's they were twins, not in name sake or family or face, but they were in the same class and had the same name so they were the Shelly's, Shelly one was very young ands decided to fall in love with an older student, Shelly 2 was going witha clean cut yuppie type in another class, at any rate the Shelly's both enjoyed my comapny and as in college, university or highschool habits and nitches form, and I hung out with the Shelly's. I introduced Dan into our group, he was a nice very quiet and shy conservative type, I di not want him to be lone man out, and there was also a student named? (for the sake of memory and for full affect he was Fez.) just like in the show the 70's show. at any rate Shelly 2 and Shelly one came and went and sometimes we hung out and sometimes they did the private couples thing, but by the end of semister one, Shelly 2 and this guy she was hanging out with were over, and so over the holidays and into term two Shelly just worked and socialized with our group, well by the end of semister 2 and heading into semister 3 I realized that Shelly and I seemed to have something of a conncetion, if I was somewhere in the building, she would know where I was wasif she wanted to join me, and vice a versa, and when ever working late; because we practically lived on campus, if they were going for dinner, coffee, whatever Shelly would always come for me, or if I wanted to go somewhere Shelly made the time, and I eventually thought I should get up the nerve to see if Shelly and I could go to that next level, so I being the hopeless romantic, started a campaign of secret admirer notes to Shelly, each day she got one or two, or sometimes more, in hewr locker where her coat was in her books etc, since I knew Shelly's patterns so well it was incredibly easy, and I thought that she should figure it out. But whta happened was the entire first year bevy of female students were in love\hate and envy with Shelly because she had a secret admirer. and so the Shelly's and some other females set out to discover the identity of this person, well they guessed high and low and everyone (almost was suspect) and they began eyeballing and keeping surveliance on all candidates, well if you have not guessed by now, I was not even considered a dark horse running, I was not even considered to be the secret admirer. finally after this had dragged on and before her interest and curiousity would dwindle, her secret admirer told her to come meet her at a set time and to come alone, and she would know her admirer because they would be the only two present. I chose a place in the college we art students never went, ever, and at a time period when students of those subjects were all busy and I picked a weird little little used alcove as the meeting place. I got there early and got out a book and tried to read, and waited. eventually as the time and place came into it's own, Shelly 2 appeared alone, and she was surprised to see me there, she sat down we chit chated she looked distracted, she kept looking at the time on the wall, because we were both early and she was waiting for her secret admirer to show, well the clock ticked the hands moved and she sighed and then she decided to confide in me all about her secret admirer, how he had sent her notes, etc...well after opening her soul up she, sighed and guessed he was not coming, and i asked her what her note said, and she told me that it said go to place X at time Y and you would know your secret admirer because he and she would be the only two persons present, well I looked at her and said thats right, the time is now the place is here and there is only one other person in front of you, and then it dawns on her that I am her secret admirer and she is shocked and I say why be, we hang out all the time, you think I am funny, we laugh together go drinking together help each other out with studies, I walk you home every night when it's late because it is on my way to the train station, well... she is of course flattered; and that is an understatement becaue I heard them swoon for more than a fortnight over my peotry and without being to eggotistical, anyone familiar with my poems know I can trip the word fandango. anyway her big comeback was I was kind of hoping my secret admirer was Dan. Dan the guy who said nothing, the guy who opened the door for you as his only form of communication, even peasant boy saying 'as you wish' displayed more passion, well Shelly left and the next day she put in my locker a very nice sentiment thank you female brush off note on blue stationary, and do you know what that same day her and Dan started being a couple. well a taxing year, humping off a proffesor or two and becoming an unwitting Cyrano took its toll, and I never finished the 2 remainding years, but Dan and Shelly did......
and ready for the kicker, I was sitting in a Burger King a bout 5 years later and who should I run into but Shelly one and some other old school cronnies so we sat and shot the breeze and of course had to ask if Shelly was still seeing, that guy, but she was not, BUT that opened up the door to the great romance between Shelly 2 and Dan, well they all wanted to wool gather about how Dan had played secret admirer to Shelly 2 and how he had sent her notes and how he had gone to meet her that day in that little obscure cornerof the school and how they had gone on to dating, all through years 2 and 3 and then how they had gotten maried after college, all because of Dan's romantic nature.
well trying not to lose it, I had to remind them that it was "I" who had sent Shelly 2 the letters and how it had been "I" who had met her that day, and it was because of "Me" that they started dating, and that if they were now indeed maried, if SHelly 2 and Dan actually looked back fondly through rose coloured glasses at events that never happened, well they must really know each other very well. and they deserve each other very much.
then the Burger King crowd kind of shook their heads and went oh wow, your right it did happen that way come to think of it, sorry.
well I chatted a bit more to make it look like I was unfazed by the whole turn of events and then I made my fond adieu,
hoping to never see any of those sods
ever again, and I have not.
what I hope you learn from this Lateralis,
is that I was in college and a young man, and we are talking about 20 years and (insert B52's song 52Girls here)
and I can not remember Shelly's last name, or even what she looked like. All I can remember is that if you ever get a piece
of blue stationary from a female; you know they have just blown you the kiss of death. I am not going to say I am unsympathetic towards your current affairs Lateralis, and if it does your heart good to soak it in poison, acid and pain, then do so; but I will guarentee you life goes on. listen to the song 52Girls, and get on with your life.
wow...thanks darth, first off. it means something for me that someone else would talk bluntly to me...it rarely happens. now id like to reply
im a boy. im 17. it sucks. despite pretentious intentions, all teenagers are still little kids, despite what we think. i thought i could love someone and not **** it up.
her name was..."Aisling"(not real name, the gaelic for dream, actually). last year, around this time id come out of a 4 year cycle of mutilation, suicide and depression. awful time, something i wanted to forget and move on from. the important thing that i learnt was not to give up, no matter what - better things will always await you...if you hold on.
anyway, aisling and i were friends through all the depression, all the blood and tears, so to speak. she helped me through a lot, just as a friend. she didnt abandon me, unlike a lot of other people. it took me the best part of a year, having finished with shrinks long ago, to get myself well again, on my own. it was an achievement i was somewhat proud of. maybe it impressed her, i dont know.
Our courtship was short. i watched her talking someday, across a coffee table, and i knew that i wanted to go out with her. three weeks later, we were going out. it was the culmination of my ascent from depression, from the darkness towards the light. Those were the best days of my life. i was making peace with family, mending bridges with friends lost, and i had her by my side. we were innocent. we were young. we still are young. i guess we're still innocent as well.
we went out. we seldom, if ever fought. im taged as "a nice guy", still believing in manners, etiquette, chivalry, and all the other lost ideals. we were a good couple.
i fell in love with her. i dont know how it happened, or when...it just did, that's the way it goes. we'd been going out around 6 months. i decided to tell her. i wrote her a poem, the type of thing that id do, id done before. it said i loved her.
i scared her. she told me"ive thought and thought about this. ive thought about how great a guy you are(where'd she get that from ;)), about how i want to love you...but don't."or something along those lines. she broke up with because of it.
i did a lot of stupid things/drugs after we broke up. and i regret it. i regret drinking myself to tears, and i regret her knowing how i fell apart.
but what i learnt from before, what i swore by, what made me who i was - was not to give up. That's what Lateralis is about, it's a song by Tool. "I may just go where no one's been."
there was a time, all my friends, including aisling were going to a rural house, down by beaches. One night, I went for a walk on the beach. I swore, under the moon and the stars, that I would not give up. that i would get her back.
that's what my first post here the poem Lateralis is about. It's what I'm about. I know im just a kid, i know this could pass. i know all the **** - but it doesnt change the way i feel. i dont know what will.
im not asking for help, directly anyhow. if you've read this far, you've done more than most ppl will. thanks to one and all.
"There I promised, as I do now, never to give up the hope, that one day, upon a dreaming star, She will return. Too seldom in life are there happy endings. I wish and pray, that my life will be granted one. To hold her in my arms again, safe in the knowledge that she will not leave, is perchance too much to dream. But when I dream, I dream for the stars."
- Lateralis.
if you have ever seen
City of Angels
and watched Nicolas Cage
fall from grace and crash
painful mortality wise
into the pavement
just to spend a day in the sun
with (shudder) Meg Ryan,
what a bad choice of women;
Nick dude!
you might take heart from your
experience with Aisling.
she was your guardian angel,
she did guide you from the edge,
she did bring you to the light,
and you did spend
a moment in the sun with her,
perhaps that's all
that most of us ever get.
think honestly of the poor
Lateralis 17 year old out there
who she\he has not even experienced
what you have so far?
how bleak and abyssmal
is their life?
you were contemplating suicide
so are they, but if they have
no Aisling, who is going to save them?
there is time enough
for all of us to reach
the 9th Underworld
and strand ourselves
like bleached bone driftwood
along the shores of
the Sea of Lament.
"I'll never know how bad it hurt, or what I did."
"But there ain't no way I'll ever stop from loving you now."
- Ryan Adams; Somehow, Some day.
The long and short of it is that in my blissful ignorance, I'm not giving this up. I will see this through to a conclusion, sucessful or otherwise. I will deal with the consequences then.
This may take longer than the preceeding series of events put together, but I am prepared to wait, in all sincerity, forever and a day.
DE, I know I'm damn lucky. I'm not especially poor, I'm going to college next year, I've got friends(how I managed that one, I'll never know) and things are good. However - "Don't be afraid to give up the good for the great."
I'd trade all I have for this, but it will take more than a girl to break me. This is not life or death - it's only love. :D.
Thanks again,
L.