Embrace the Dark Side.
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, the Dark Side would be
it. The long-term benefits of the Dark Side have been proved by the Dark
Lords of The Sith, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more
reliable than my own meandering cruelty and conquests. I will dispense
this advice now...
Enjoy the power and beauty of your planet.
Oh, never mind, you will never understand the power and the beauty of
your
planet until after the Empire has destroyed it in a futile attempt to
find
a Rebel Base. But trust me, in twenty years, you will look back at
photos
of your home and recall, in a way you can't grasp now, how blissfully
ignorant you were, and how fabulous your planet really looked before it
was a pile of burning space rubble. Your planet is not as dull as you
imagine.
Don't worry about the Rebellion - or worry, but know that worrying is as
effective as trying to make the Kessel run in a landspeeder. The real
troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your
twisted
mind. The kind that fire a direct hit into your reactor core at 4 PM on
some idle Tuesday.
Do in one Death Star officer every day.
Scheme.
Don't disobey the Emperor's orders; don't put up with people who disobey
yours.
Hate.
Don't waste your time on Stormtroopers. They can't hit the broad side of
a
barn.
The battle is long and in the end, it's only with yourself. And your
idiot
son. Remember the prophecies of the Emperor; ignore the whinings of your
bratty upstart farmboy of a son. If you succeed in doing this, tell me
how.
Keep your old lightsaber, but change your costume slightly with every
sequel.
Destroy.
Don't feel guilty if you have no misgivings about joining the Dark Side.
The most interesting people I know didn't have any respect at 22 for
their
victim's lives. Some of the most interesting 40-year olds I know still
don't.
Have plenty of minions.
Be kind to your right hand, you'll miss it when it's gone.
Maybe you'll marry, maybe you won't. Maybe your son will join you, maybe
he won't. Maybe you'll convince your daughter to become a dark Jedi and
assist you in your campaign of hatred and destruction; maybe she'll
become
a rebel leader and marry a scruffy-looking nerf herder. Whatever you do,
don't congratulate yourself too much, or berate yourself either. Your
destiny is guided by the Force. So is everybody else's.
Enjoy the Force. Exploit it every way you can. Don't be afraid of it or
what other people think of your "sorcerer's ways." The ability to
destroy
a planet is insignificant next to its power.
Kill. Even if you have no one to kill but a meaningless extra.
Listen to what the Emperor has foreseen, even if you don't follow his
prophecies.
Do not take your mask off, it will only make you feel ugly. And
vulnerable.
Get to know your parents. You'll never know when they'll turn out to be
your arch enemies. Be nice to your siblings. They are your best link to
your Jedi lineage and the ones most likely to become Jedi in the future.
Understand that lackeys come and go. But with a precious few, you should
keep from crushing their tracheas. Work hard to bridge the gaps in
geography and lifestyle, for as the more desperate you become, the more
you will need to send bounty hunters to do your dirty work for you.
Live on Dagobah once, but leave before you get foot rot. Live on
Tattooine
once, but leave before you get heat stroke. Travel. Preferably in your
own
custom TIE Fighter.
Accept certain inalienable truths: rebellions will rise, the Imperial
Senate will have to be disbanded, you too will get old. And when you do,
you'll fantasize that when you were young, rebels were easily crushed,
the
Imperial Senate was subservient, and citizens respected their Emperor.
Respect your Emperor. Don't expect your son to rule the galaxy with you.
Maybe he'll give in to his anger, maybe he'll strike you down, but
you'll
never know when he'll whine pleadingly and you'll find yourself turning
to
the Light Side and saving his sorry butt. Don't strike down your old
Jedi
Master, or he will become more powerful than you could possibly imagine.
Be careful whose advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply
it,
or I'll crush your throat. Advice is a form of nostalgia. Dispensing it
is
away of fishing your humanity from the depths of sin, wiping it off,
putting black body armor over the ugly parts and redeeming it for more
than its worth.
But trust me on the Dark Side.
That was funny...and just a tad bit scary.
Odd...weird...obviously, I like it.
And there you have it! The Dark Side is better! Ha Ha!
Maybe if you're a mushroom. Or picking sides at a KKK/NAACP demonstration.
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Go right ahead everybody, join the dork side. If everybody goes over then I won't have to worry about who I smoke. Yez iz all on dah wrong side if yez derfect. Then I, Shootist, will consider all moving targets as such and fire at WILL. (Yeah even Will is gonna be fair game)
http://www.roguesquadron.net/forums/smile.gif) Targets,targets everywhere and not a fear in sight. YEEE HAAAA!!! Bang, Bang, Swoosh,vrrroooom, reload, snork a cold one then lemme go again..Oh MY this is just tooooo much fun. Like walkin' into a room full of flies with a kingsize swatter!!!!
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Boldly Going Nowhere
<font color=orange>"...So let us not forget to look back on the mistakes our post-iron age Mediterranean ancestors made in creating extensive networks of indoor plumbing with lead pipes when considering the long term sociological and medical questions associated with our use of new and revolutionary construction materials such as complex hydrocarbon polymers and compound ceramic substances in building our gleaming bright utopian technological paradise cities for the future, or we, too might find ourselves betrayed by the hereto unknown long-term affects of some bizarre chemical interaction syndrome."</font>
What exactly is polyurethane, anyway?
More than one urine derivative? Yo IM, eschew obfuscation when yez get da chance, eh?
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Boldly Going Nowhere
Obfuscate...escalate...defenestrate...I have trouble keeping verbs that end the same straight.
I read somewhere once that after so many years, vinyl breaks down into some kind of toxic badness...which no one knew about during all those years they were making everything out of vinyl! Kind of makes me not think we're so much better than the poor, stupid Romans...
That's why I switched to CDs, which are made of acrylic.
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"Is the state of being realized as important as realizing the state of being?"
--Thrustweasel of Earth
My favorite is naugahyde, but you have to skin too many Naugas for a nice couch.
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Boldly Going Nowhere