I fancy myself as a pretty good author. Not that i want to it's just pretty fun and i have made a start to a book called Jedi school it's not too logn and i will set up a poll for it. Don't be afraid to call it crap because i don't know if it was you who voted 1 or 2!

Star Wars Jedi School

In a galaxy far, far away………

Jedi Padawans Corakin To and Gar Canna are in a desperate attempt to save the best Jedi School in the Galaxy when mysterious new padawan enters by the name of Yuan. He has never spoken to anyone apart from Jedi masters but always seems to end up near the two Jedi.

When the droids start making several attempts to seize the North of Courasant for no reason, the school is worried and are curious why so many strange things are happening.

The two Jedi try to work out the problem themselves revealing a deadly secret……..




The bus pulled up outside the school and the two jumped off.

“What do we have today?” “Blaster deflection training to start off with then we have to hand in are essay on how to handle a sith then first interval then studying the differs between Crystal and Electrum.” “Then after interval we do fake droid practice and……. I sense danger.” “Me too” replied Corakin. They ran forward together and ignited their lightsabers Corakin’s blue and Gar’s green. There was a droideika rolling up to them then it stopped and its shield appeared and it started firing. Only few other’s came to help them. They blocked the fire well and slowly edged towards the droid. Then it started to roll again and Gar jumped out of the way avoiding to be hit. Then he threw his lightsaber and the droid disappeared. “What?” they both cried in confusion. Then from the roof Master Vanno jumped down and chuckled. “Good deflection there my padawans but your sense’s need to improve.” “But is disappeared?” “That was a hologram and the fire was mini floating blasters just following the hologram to make it look real most of the padawans passed this test I have set up.” “So it wasn’t real?” “The blasters were but the rest was couloured images.” “I didn’t know they even existed Master,” said Corakin. “Yes new technology.” “You must improve or you will fail your senses test this week.”

Here's some things where you can give me tips or what you liek about it.

Good Start?

Good book name?

Good description?

Good character names?

Good use of speech?

And anything else you would like to comment on.

The end........ :)

EDIT.

Whoever voted BAD! don't be afraid to speak as i am not offended and tell me why you thought it was so.

I voted "ok" for trying.

First off... fix all the grammatical mistakes. PLEASE. It hurt my eyes reading all the errors, no offense. Secondly, write the way people actually talk, that's key, at least in my opinion. Now you don't have to go into as much detail as Mark Twain, for example, but still.

Your story has no "meat" to it. In all honesty, it sounds like a bunch of little kids running around pretending to be Jedis "Oh lets work on BLASTER DEFLECTION first.. and then.. then... umm... how to fight... the SITH!" "Yeah!! That sounds like fun *runs around in circles swinging toy lightsaber* ohh.. umm. I sense a disturbance in the force!" In honestly reminded me of watching 4th and 5th graders playing improvisational acting games. Which is NOT fun.

Also, your story synopsis seems somewhat clichй:

Mysterious new figure enters the best academy there is attempting to learn about the enemy and is somehow connected to the main characters.

Harry Potter, anyone?

I mean, if you want to write, then write. But be original, and perhaps take some creative writing classes. Also study literary devices, such as archetypes, motifs, juxtaposition, symbolism, etc.

But it's better to start with this than to never start at all :)



EDIT: I should probably say I've never actually written an honest to goodness short story before, but English and writing kind of run in my blood. My brother is a screenwriter, my father wrote a book a couple years ago, and my mother was an English teacher. Also, English is my best subject... I got over 100% on the last English Final :D but again, it's not like I'm an authority on the subject.

Also, your story synopsis seems somewhat clichй:

Mysterious new figure enters the best academy there is attempting to learn about the enemy and is somehow connected to the main characters.

Harry Potter, anyone?

I was thinking some bad chapter of Naruto actually.

What cracks me up is that I have no idea who is talking at first. Where this place is, what they are doing there, and who they even are. My brother wrote something like this, a comedy, when he was like 13, and it was better. There are no line breaks and you should have put it in [/code] so we could have seen any indentations.

Pick up a paperback novel and look at the format, use that.

You may wish to work on your punctuation and spacing, as well as fleshing out your plot a bit. With a little bit of detail I think this could be very entertaining.

You should also try posting it in the CEC (http://www.lucasforums.com/forumdisplay.php?f=640) if you want feedback from some other writers on LF.

Wow cool your writing a book, why didn't you name it Star Wars Jedi Academy though, that sounds alot better.

Wow cool your writing a book, why didn't you name it Star Wars Jedi Academy though, that sounds alot better.
I think that name is copywrited. Anyway nice story, keep practicing though.

All of them were bad.

nfwai mang. :lol:


@Darth Aida: I would suggest that you read some other fics <for example those found in the CEC, my own is linked in my sig.> to get a feel for it.

Also, get yourself a copy of "A Writer's Reference" by Diana Hacker. The latter was a mandatory companion through my college English classes. I found it recently and it’s been very handy for reference and for reminders about composition / grammar.


Fuu

I had to say it's not so good. The writing is disjointed and far too fast-paced. You thrust us into a story without even giving a hint at what you're going to write about. Also, as has been mentioned before, you make no distinction of who's speaking initially. I agree, this resembles a few kids playing pretend at Star Wars. I just don't see full book potential in this.

Yeh i kinda want to keep away from CEC as anybody there will probably give me bad feedback as they are probably good expierenced writers. As someone said it could be a good book and i'll work on it. I'll let u know who's speaking and where they are. Thanks for the comments. :)

Well don't you WANT to go where there are experienced writers?

I mean, even if it's criticism, it'll be constructive criticism.

That's right, because I'll delete any criticism meant solely to harm. Pointing out mistakes for someone to fix is certainly appropriate and not harmful. Saying 'I hate x' is not constructive, however. Constructive criticism means also pointing out the things that were done well in a story, too. --Jae

Well don't you WANT to go where there are experienced writers?

I mean, even if it's criticism, it'll be constructive criticism.

Well i don't know how to move a thread either.

EDIT, here part two...................

Chapter 1
School Trip


The bell rang out and Corakin and Gar walked back into the school and headed off to Master Bork’s class for Blaster Deflection. They stood in their places and put on the helmets with the blaster shield down. Master Bork came in and spoke. “Morning class and we’ll be spending the next forty five minutes practicing with the shield down then later for fifteen minutes we’ll have a quick easy session of deflecting from the more slower paced orbs and yes you can use your eyes.” “Easy!” shouted one boy from the class. “Hmm you should not be so overconfident young Roy.”

They started. The orbs rose into the air and fired quite quickly. Corakin and Gar were very good as this. “I’ve deflected twenty in a row so far” said Gar. “Quiet I need to concentrate” Corakin sharply replied. Corakin had always been competitive at school something the Masters didn’t like about him. “Ah!” “Hmm you’re concentrating real well?” Gar laughed sarcastically. “Shut up.” After the first session he went through the class asking them how many times they had been hit. “Roy how many” asked Master Bork. “None blocked them all.” “Lies I sense in you Roy.” Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes. “Gar?” “Just once sir right at the end” he cheerfully replied. “Well done young boy you are improving” he smiled. “Corakin any better than yesterday?” “No, I was hit five times.” “Your competitiveness is ruining your work and makes you angry and spiteful.” “I know Master, I am truly sorry.” “Let’s hope your better this next round.” Master Bork finished off and they carried on, Corakin improving.

Later on Gar got a C plus for his essay and Corakin got a B plus but he didn’t boast as he knew that would be making him competitive and big headed. The rest of the day went well and after Lunch there was a gathering in the Great Hall. The head of the school Great Master Reno told us some interesting news. “Today we have two things to talk about firstly we have a new student joining class Year five and this young boys name is Yuan.” There was a large applause and then Gar whispered to Corakin, “That’s our class I wonder what he’ll be like.” “Ahh don’t worry it’s nice to see a new face” Corakin whispered back. “Also from next week from year two and up pupils be visiting Tatooine class by class.” “There depending on the year each pupil and their fellow Jedi will learn some things about the planet, its inhabitants and for some lightsaber training. Class four and up may earn a new lightsaber such as doubles blades an extra lightsaber.” “Yes I hope I can get two” whispered Corakin. “I prefer one.” “Suit yourself” Corakin chuckled.

Well i don't know how to move a thread either.
I do.

Just a couple techincal things that you can take or leave (not trying to nit-pick. Just suggestions):

- the visor on the helmet tends to be called a blast shield not blaster shield. It protects the wearer's eyes from blasts and explosions.
- the orbs you refer to are usually called training remotes or just remotes.
- for grades they probably wouldn't have an exact copy of the letter grade system. You might want to make something original here.
- Just a guess, but I would assume that dual or double saber training would be quite advanced and not taught to Jedi at a padawan level.

From the first part posted earlier:

- The word "bus" usually implies a distinct picture in the mind (to me anyway) that doesn't really fit in SW. The generic term is "transport" or "speeder".
- As for the holo-droideika, nothing there needs to be new tech if you don't want it to be. All that could be done by current SW tech.

Just some thoughts. :)

You should really start a new paragraph when a different person talks. Also, I'd try to put more detail on what's happening besides the conversation. For example, you could say how Corakin said something, or how he felt while he was saying it, and you could say more about the teachers, what they look like (maybe), what kind of feeling(s) they inspire in the students, etc.

I do like how you put in a few details about the students, like "Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes." That can help you get to like the characters more. Try to put more details like that.

I voted okay, since it isn't the best Fanfic I've ever read. As Fuu suggested, try reading some Fics around the CEC, which might help and fix the spelling/grammar errors and you should do fine.

You should really start a new paragraph when a different person talks. Also, I'd try to put more detail on what's happening besides the conversation. For example, you could say how Corakin said something, or how he felt while he was saying it, and you could say more about the teachers, what they look like (maybe), what kind of feeling(s) they inspire in the students, etc.

I do like how you put in a few details about the students, like "Roy always lied to the Masters and could be a real troublemaker sometimes." That can help you get to like the characters more. Try to put more details like that.


Ok thanks when part three comes (soon) i'll add lots more detail explaining the detail of characters and plus when someoen said stuff about "bus" i just couldn't think of anything in a starwarsy term that's why.

EDIT Part three woo hoo!


Chapter 2
Kin and Rannio


The following fortnight Class 5 boarded onto a space shuttle and flew off to Tatooine. It was packed and noisy, kids being silly and some were getting headaches. They were accompanied by Master Kow a small human who was bald and chubby and fancied himself as a “FORCE MASTER!” though he was only a part time teacher as the school, some just called him Kow as the students said he shouldn’t be a master. The other was Deputy Head, Master Elena Koo a twi’lek girl who loved her pink lightsaber. She would take classes if any teacher was absent. She was young and Roy had a crush on her and only Corakin and Gar knew that and here’s why.

Corakin and Gar were sitting down and on the seat to the left they saw Roy gazing at her. Everybody liked her she was fun and wasn’t bossy and one brave Jedi.

Also Corakin and Gar thought Yuan was a strange fellow. They had kept record and he had only spoke to the masters and that was when they started the conversation he never put his hand up to answer a question and had never. Ever spoken to a pupil and his Grades were always A plus in everything. His Jedi skills were amazing.

“Funny fellow isn’t he that Yuan?” whispered Gar.
“Yes, sometimes I think something horrible has happened to him” said Corakin.
“What do you mean?” Corakin lowered his head and spoke even more quiet.
“Maybe death in the family” he said anxiously. Gar shuddered.
“Hope not, poor guy.” Their conversation was interrupted by the ignition of a lightsaber.
A bothan boy at the back called Kin who had a blue lightsaber suddenly slashed another human boy’s bag in half. This boys name was Rannio Moor and him and Kin did not get on. “You kick me again it won’t just be the bag that’s in half!” Kin sharply shouted. “I had some real important stuff in their!" Rannio moaned.” “Tough.” Kin was very hairy and we all know bothans are quite hairy but he was very hairy. Rannio was very tall and skinny and a bit nerdy and annoyed some there was nothing more to explain him.

Master Elena got out of her seat and walked to the back of the shuttle where the nonsense was happening. “Oh dear boys come on stop being silly and Kin never, ever ignite your lightsaber when not in a session it’s school rules” she said calmly. “We’re not in school” joked Kin. “Oh you’re a real joker well I’ll let Rannio off for kicking you but when we got to Mos Eisly your staying back at camp Kin.” “What but that’s not….” He moaned. “Tut, tut sssh no more, Rannio sit beside me.” “We’ll be making it into Tatooine in a few minutes Master Elena!” called the Rodian driver. “Ok thank you.”

They landed at camp and Kin jumped on bed and fell asleep as he knew he was staying there for a while. Master Kow was to watch over him.

They got on two large speeders and flew off and at halfway to Mos Eisly they stopped. “A few weeks ago I visited here and planted five crystals here in a three mile radius and you are to find them,” called Elena. I want you to get into five groups of four.”
Everyone scattered to there best friends and Yuan was alone.
“Hey Yuan!” He looked at then strangely. Yuan almost smiled but didn’t and joined them. “Hmm who else can we get?” Elena found Roy on his own too.
“Roy, go join that group there, there’s only three of them.” That was one of Roy’s best moments he was almost dreaming.
“Roy?” “You ok? Asked Master Elena. “Yes it’s hot that’s all.” “Yes I know now go join that group.”

“Oh great, Roy’s here!”

I voted okay, since it isn't the best Fanfic I've ever read. As Fuu suggested, try reading some Fics around the CEC, which might help and fix the spelling/grammar errors and you should do fine.

I found that reading other fics helps me to get inspired. It reminds me that writing isn’t just about good plotlines, it’s also about how you lead your reader through the story. How you draw people into your characters, and make them think about what they're reading. Reflecting on other people's work gives me a fresh perspective on my own.


That being said,

DA I suggest you re read the comments and your fic, then do at least two revisions before you post it again . Write it in something like ms word that has grammar/spelling editing features. A wiser fic writer once suggested this to me, and I have found it invaluable in improving not only my fic but also my rusty spelling. This is also why I suggested “A Writers Reference”. Getting rid of grammar/spelling issues frees the reader from distractions & allows them to chew on the real meat of your story.



Now I just need to put my money where my mouth is.

I found that reading other fics helps me to get inspired. It reminds me that writing isn’t just about good plotlines, it’s also about how you lead your reader through the story. How you draw people into your characters, and make them think about what they're reading. Reflecting on other people's work gives me a fresh perspective on my own.


That being said,

DA I suggest you re read the comments and your fic, then do at least two revisions before you post it again . Write it in something like ms word that has grammar/spelling editing features. A wiser fic writer once suggested this to me, and I have found it invaluable in improving not only my fic but also my rusty spelling. This is also why I suggested “A Writers Reference”. Getting rid of grammar/spelling issues frees the reader from distractions & allows them to chew on the real meat of your story.



Now I just need to put my money where my mouth is.

I think part 2 was better but part three was good. I didn't have that many mistakes on 3 and i'm getting good. Thanks for the suggestions later on today i'm going to check over part 4 and then send it. I think people are getting more interested in my story. :)

It could use a lot more work. Also, it's very hard to judge from such a small snippet. Be careful not to repeat words (look at the use of then). Also, use more comma's!

Rate: 2

“What do we have today?” “Blaster deflection training to start off with then we have to hand in are essay on how to handle a sith then first interval then studying the differs between Crystal and Electrum.” “Then after interval we do fake droid practice and……. I sense danger.”

It could use a lot more work. Also, it's very hard to judge from such a small snippet. Be careful not to repeat words (look at the use of then). Also, use more comma's!

Rate: 2

Ok i see the problem there..... i'll use more comma's but part 4 is where it gets ab it of action and that's coming today.

Also, try putting it through MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes :)

Also, try putting it throug MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes :)

Well i don't know what it is and plus i don't have it but anyway heres part 4 hope this is better. :)


Chapter 3
Roy in Trouble.

They had been following their senses for ten minutes now but there was no sign of finding any thing until Roy did.
“It’s here!”
“No it’s isn’t Roy come on!” called Gar from ahead.
“No, no I swear it’s here!!!!!!! Trust me look!” He knelt down and scooped up a load of sand with the force.
“I found it!” The three ahead looked round and saw something gleaming in his hand. “Wow he’s right.” They stumbled their way back to him and praised him.

They called Master Elena.
“We’ve found a blue crystal we’ll be on are way back” said Corakin.
“Well done boys who found it?” Elena called.
“Roy.”
“Tell him well done bye.”
“Bye.”
“Oh bye the way there’s a speeder in the North for you guys if you can see.”
“Yeh I see it bye.”

“Master Elena said well done Roy” he told him.
“Oh my god” he breathed. Roy dropped and landed with a thump in the sand.
“Roy?” Yuan seemed almost invisible he just followed everyone around without saying a word.
“True love” chucked Gar.
“Stupid lover boy all she said was well done it’s not that exciting!” laughed Corakin.

They trudged through the sand while Corakin had Roy over his shoulder. Roy woke up. “Why am I looking at sand?” he thought to himself.
He thought someone had kidnapped him so he ignited his lightsaber and kicked Corakin in the side of the head where his foot had been.

“Wow it’s only us Roy!”
He put away his lightsaber and managed to mumble a…..
“Sorry.” Corakin pulled himself up.
“What happened?”
“Roy thought we was someone else” Gar said.
“You could have given me brain damage you idiot!” Corakin roared.
“I thought you already had brain damage” he joked. Corakin didn’t say a word and they climbed into their speeder.

Suddenly Roy was almost shot in the foot by two Droids on speederbikes.
“What the?” the three called excluding Yuan.
“I say get the hell out of here, back to camp!”
“We’re all going to die!” cried Roy.
“No we’re not their just droids for god sake!” shouted Gar.

While Gar flew the speeder Corakin got up and ignited his lightsaber. He blocked some fire and then force jumped onto the speederbike behind and cut the droid in half. The speederbike was about to crash so he jumped back onto his own. The second speeder barley missed hitting the crashing first but was still on their tail.
“I got one!” Ahead they could barley see a sarlaac pit.
“Let’s get that droid in there!”
“How?” asked Roy.
“You’ll see.” Then that plan was crushed when the speederbike fired and hit there own setting it on fire.
“It’s going to blow, jump!” They jumped in different directions and the Droid’s speeder crashed in the first explosion.

Roy fell too close to the sarlaac pit and started to slip closer to it. The radio which was Roy’s fell out of his robes and slipped into the pit.

Yuan made a cheeky grin which no one noticed and spoke for the first time.
“I’ll get help!” He ran as fast as he could back to camp.
“But we need you!”
He didn’t hear them.

“Help!” screamed Roy.
One of the sarlaac’s arms or legs grabbed Roy but Gar threw his green lightsaber cutting it in half. There was a sort of a gobbly moan from the sarlaac and there was no way they could get him out in time without falling in themselves.

For five minutes Gar and Corakin had been throwing their lightsabers at the sarlaac and Roy was inches from falling in and suddenly out of nowhere a speeder came in with Master Kow driving it and Yuan in the back they stopped and Kow gave a hand out to lift Roy up and he was saved.

“How did you end up there??”

This chapter was a bit better, but you really have to slow down the pace of the story. It's like yoy have an idea, and is rushing towards it. Be more descriptive and build up tension. Take for instance this chapter. You are describing an entire action scene through dialogue, and I can't keep track of what is going on.

MS Word - http://office.microsoft.com/en-us/word/FX100487981033.aspx)
Free alternative - http://www.openoffice.org)

ok i'll slow it down a bit the next chapter is not action packed but will have a bit of tension.

here sorry for double posting but part 5 :)



Chapter 4
Jedi Course


After explaining the long, long story they were all transported to Mos Eisly including Kin. They had to go in pairs as Master Elena said something about a course they had to take.

Everyone had an ice day in Mos Eisly and now they had to go and do this “Course.”

Corakin and Gar were last so they were ready to go in.

They walked through a gate and there were to paths one which was dark and going downhill and one which was heading to the city they listened to the dark path and heard breathing and they thought they saw shadows so they took the safer way. They came to a ladder and climbed it coming to a thin plank leading from the top of one building to another. They slowly edged forward but then two droids appeared on the building they were trying to get to. To be safe Corakin who was in front of Gar force pushed them off the building but it was a bad idea. When the droids hit the ground they got up and fired at the plank it wobbled and Corakin fell forcing Gar to jump after them. Corakin fell on his own two feet and cut up the stupid droids but then there was a road blockage and there was a small alleyway and that was the only way to go and they saw two super battle droids backs.

“This is some neat test they’ve set up” said Corakin. “I don’t want to go through that alleyway I feel like there are more than two there.”
“I agree maybe we should try and force jump onto the plank.”
“Good idea.”

They used all their strength and jumped up onto the plank, barley balancing on it they walked on top of the building.

They found a ladder going down but just jumped off the building instead. There was a one way road and they walked up it accompanied by the citizens of Mos Eisly who agreed not to be worried if there was a bit of a battle with these young Jedi and fake droids.

They walked along time and then came to a big cliff and then a hole in the ground going downwards.
“I say climb the cliff” said Gar.
“Me too.” They slowly climbed foot by foot and came to the top seeing a mix of regular battle droids and supers. They hid behind some bushes and thought their plan through.
“There’s far too many we’ll be killed for sure” said Corakin.
“This test wouldn’t lead us to our deaths thought would it?” replied Gar.
“Maybe we have gone the totally wrong way.”
“No, I feel we have gone the right way from the start anyway they are probably fake droids from the school which just give you a sting” explained Gar.

“Let’s avoid those droids and hide behind that tree, move through the bushes and up that path.”
“Ok agreed.”

They ran towards the three when Corakin fell over the stone. The droids turned round.
“Jedi!”
Now all those droids left there positions and chased after the two.
Corakin stayed behind to fight. Gar who was more wise shouted.
“We shall not fight, we must lead them to some sort of trap or somewhere, where they can get us!”
Corakin agreed with his friend and ran as fast as he could. They came to the end of the path and ran out into another part of Mos Eisly.

Corakin and Gar jumped to the top of a house and deflected some fire hitting a few droids. They then jumped off it and the droids struggled to keep up. They ran through a very narrow alleyway which the supers couldn’t get through and now they had less of a challenge and they could fight them.

They came to a halt turned around and ignited their lightsabers again.
The droids poured out and after a few swipes they were all scraps of metal.

They decided to run up the left of the room and surprisingly came to the finishing line where Master Elena waited for them.

Also, try putting it through MS Word. It will pick up most mistakes :)

I had already suggested this. Do people even read threads before they post anymore?

@DA: My suggestion was related to the entire fic. If you leave mistakes on the earlier chapters it's going to put off any new readers <when I read a fic & the first 2 ch have a ton of errata, I stop reading, even if the later chapters are "better"> who might actually get into it.

For me, the bottom line with any fic is grammar. No matter how good the story is, if the sentences are awkward or poorly written I (and others, READ: Grammar Wars) am completely put off. This is why I referred you to "A Writers Reference" This is a cheap book that will GREATLY improve one's understanding of proper grammatical structure. If you don’t want to pay for it there are plenty of Grammar tuts. online for free.


You really need to put your fic into a typing program, read it a few times, and edit the entire fic for clarity. Once you’ve done that…..do it again. Seriously. My fic has taken me 7-8 revisions to get out all the stuff like that. Many of my revisions were never even posted because I knew there would be something I hadn’t fixed yet.

I applaud your commitment, keep working on it.

Fuu

aha ok well i do have an new shortie fic in the works which will be a lot better and hey i've done pretty good for a begginer. I'm glad you like it and i WILL work on it. :) Thanks Fuu.

here some more less action packed but has a suprise unless you've figured it out.


Chapter 5
The deadly secret


“Twelve minutes and twenty second that’s the quickest out of the lot” said Master Elena quite happy.
“But it’s not the quickest pair who have won the test.” “You took one wrong turn.” “Which one?” they asked.
“At the start you decided took take the safer looking path but you took the plank instead of the alleyway and that put you back on track.”
“We give you A plus the only A plus given the class.”
“Woohoo!” they both shouted, this had been a brilliant day.

The next day each pupil was transported to their parents houses and Gar’s and Corakin’s were particularly happy.

With a few days rest from the busy trip they returned to regular Jedi school and the two couldn’t help noticing that Yuan’s lightsaber skills were amazing. Not just good with practice but the master’s said that he was making good attack and defence.

“I know it’s bad but we should, well, spy on Yuan” said Corakin.
“What?” “Why?” said Gar in a confused tone.
“Well Number 1 his skills are amazing Number Two between classes’s he’s nowhere to be seen and Number Three he is always so quiet we should see what he does. See if he goes home for lunch or sulks in a room somewhere.” Corakin was wrong it wasn’t going home for lunch or sulking, far from it.

As a few weeks back Master Vanno a mandalorian who was the “real” master of senses was giving them a test that day the one he didn’t want them to fail.

There wasn’t much to explain it. Lot’s of questions like what am I thinking of or what’s behind you thing’s like that and results came out Corakin C Minus and Gar A Minus. Master Vanno blabbered on about that competitiveness leads to this and that and that sith were like this and his year report would not be good as his senses were weak. Master Vanno could be a real pain in the butt.

After Yuan getting an A star they followed him through to the toilets. He had a leak and he walked out not seeing him. He did not hear or feel them following him despite him getting an A star for his senses test. He went to his locker and opened it up pulling out a lightsaber.

“That’s not his lightsaber” whispered Gar.
“You’re right.” Then he ignited it to see that I was red and had the mark of a Dark Jedi or sith. Their so know “pitiful friend was far from what they thought he was.

I had already suggested this. Do people even read threads before they post anymore?

Just skimmed the other posts, but I guess I overlooked it in your post.

Another great book is "Practical English Usage" by Michael Swan

Look , I want to get back on topic so...... Chapter 5 what do you think? What do you think of Chapter 5?

Excuse me? Maybe you need to go read the forum rules again. I pride myself on keeping my posts (almost completely) spam free, and neither of use had really gone off topic. Save your BOT comments for when 5 people repeatedly spam your thread with one liners, and spare those of us who are here to offer help.


OH, and if you didn’t want advice you shouldn’t have asked for it. You can't say "How can I make this better" and expect everyone to clam up. Nor can you ask for advice, balk at it, and then act surprised when no one comments on your fic later.

On that note: I'm done helping.

F

ok sorry then. It's just it's going on about books which i have looked at and considered buying but i just want to see what they actually think of the book that's all.

Chapter 6
Kids in war

“Happy Birthday Corakin!” everyone called when he stepped into his own living room at home.
There were cake lots of party food and all the family was there.
Gar was there too. It was his fifteenth and now the same age as Gar. There were a few presents.
He opened the oddest looking one. It was a quite expensive blaster.
“Just in case you forget your lightsaber” said Dad cheerfully.
The other two which was a picture of his Mum and Dad (moving) and a notebook for school.

Later that day Corakin and Gar played Scary lightsaber where they would go out onto the streets of Courasant and fight each other but wouldn’t hurt each other and sometimes use the force on each other, cut the bins in half, throw their lightsaber and stuff. Which scared the citizens.

The next day they were back to school and a horrible thing happened that day.

Corakin and Gar were writing an essay in School when there was big blast out in the streets. Then there was fire and no doubt it was Battle Droid fire. Some of the Masters had to leave and assist the clones to take the droids out. For the next few days there was heavy fighting and Yuan seemed happy and Corakin and Gar knew why.

The next week there was an announcement in the hall from Great Master Reno.

“From Pupils age fifteen above will be missing school somedays to assist the clones and fight out in the streets.” "If the droids take over the streets then they will send in supers and droideikas to the school to kill us all.” It is heard that hey will send General Grievous too.” There was a massive uproar.
“We’re too young to fight in the war!” called one child.
“I will refuse to fight.”
“Noooooooooooo!”

Corakin and Gar were devastated they didn’t want to fight they wanted they stay at school and have fun not fight the clone war. Great master Reno must be out of his brains!

Then the next day they had realised that Yuan was over fifteen and they had to keep an eye on him.

Corakin and Gar went out leading three squads terrified of their possible fate. Corakin’s job was to keep an eye on Yuan and his squad.

Corakin watched Yuan lead his squad far away and then he saw a glimpse of him killing them with his “red” lightsaber.

“He just killed his squad!” Before they could do anything more battle droids made their first accompanied by a young sith.

“We’ll take him!” they shouted together. "Clones focus all fire on the droids." This sith wasn’t much, he had one lightsaber and then after a few minutes of clashing blades and they ignited their second and cut half of his arm off. They took out the droids and then saw up the street Yuan walking down, hooded, with tons, and tons of Battle Droids following him.

From the first post what you wrote and up through to the one now, its been an incredible improvement.
My piece of advice, is to really listen as to what these people are saying. They know what they are talking about :D
Would be better if you have a 'little' bt more detail, where it concerns fighting and stuff like that, but hey ... It's your story, and you should write it as you see fit.

Waiting to read the next chapter.

From the first post what you wrote and up through to the one now, its been an incredible improvement.
My piece of advice, is to really listen as to what these people are saying. They know what they are talking about :D
Would be better if you have a 'little' bt more detail, where it concerns fighting and stuff like that, but hey ... It's your story, and you should write it as you see fit.

Waiting to read the next chapter.

Ok! Gee thanks Mr BFA!!! I will not let you down master! Next chapters up soon. Last chapter :( Oh well should be the best! :D

lol, i sense a bit of sarcasm in that remark :D
haha, but yeah ... is this the only part, or will there be a sequel to this?
Anyways, waiting for the 'best' chapter!

There will be two sequels to the book coming maybe after i've sent a few other shortie fics but here it is!!!!! Chapter 7
The final showdown


“Clones go join Jedi Roy and tell him we have to do something!”
“Yes Jedi Corakin.”
“With two lightsabers we should have an easy battle” Corakin said.
“No, I sense he is dangerous, very dangerous.”

The more they ran the closer Yuan came and then the droids cut off in single files through different alleyways heading to the battlefield. Then Yuan ran inside a medical centre.
“Be careful this could be at trick” said Corakin. They ran in lightsabers ready and saw a glimpse of Yuan’s foot run into the elevator and with the force he closed the door.
“Take the stairs!”

They ran up and up and then stood in front of where Yuan was meant to step out but no one was in it. They jumped in and then they felt that he was on the second top floor. They ran out and looked to the left and saw him laughing. He ran into a big office with nobody in it and he ignited his lightsaber.

It was crimson red sparkling and looked dangerous.
“You fools!” he shouted.
“You thought I was a friend!”
“Not until I while ago, we knew you was sith we saw you igniting your lightsaber.”
“Very clever Jedi you have your wits about you yes?”
They looked behind and there were two super battle droids.
These droids had increased fire power. They jumped behind a desk and blocked the fire towards Yuan who jumped out the way. Then Gar threw his lightsaber slicing both droids. The two then forced jump and made a deadly attack on Yuan.
“My name is not Yuan!” he cackled.
“My name is Darth Nako!” He force pushed Gar out of the way and he hit the desk banging his head hard.

Corakin and Nako where then engaged in a lock and they came free cutting a desk in half. Corakin jumped backwards and threw his lightsaber almost hitting Nako but missed and fell back to his hand. Gar slowly got up and force lifted a chair and threw it towards Darth Nako.
“Ahh!”
Nako jumped and the desk smashed the large window and they could easily fall out.
There many more locks and swings until then Darth Nako jumped and cut of Corakin’s hand!
“Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!” “Help!”
Then he kicked Corakin and he fell out the window but managed to grab onto the seal with his remaining hand.
Gar was angry and made three deadly swing combo’s and cut Nako’s chest making a hole in his robes.
“You Jedi Scum!”
Then something Gar was shocked at and Corakin couldn’t belive his eyes Darth Nako let out lightning from his hand and it hit Gar.
“Didn’t expect that you fool!”
Gar fell unconscious and Nako turned to Corakin hanging.
He then pushed one finger of the seal and he was hanging by four then three but suddenly Corakin found strength and jumped from the seal kicking Darth Nako in the face and landing on the desk with two feet.
He looked at Gar and felt angry and picked his friend up and carried him to the roof.
He put Gar down who was finding breath again and Darth Nako eventually came to the top.

Meanwhile Great Master Reno felt a great disturbance in the force and it led him to the Medical centre.

Darth Nako flung another electricity shot but Corakin blocked it. Then Nako made a great jump and made a cut on the same arm that lost Corakin’s hand and he was in so much pain and anger.

Gar got up and made an attack which would have killed Nako if he hadn’t turned round and blocked it. Then Gar was thrown onto the floor and just as he got up he saw Corakin raging and he let out an explosion with the force which was forbidden at the school and forbidden to any Jedi. Darth Nako was thrown into the air but landed on his feet then made a lock with Gar and then they came off and Gar ignited his second lightsaber and made a deadly spin which Nako struggled to defend and then he came of the spin and swung his two lightsabers into Darth Nako’s stomach. He force pushed him of the building and he fell helpless and dead.

The building was collapsing ad the roof was breaking apart from Corakin’s accident. Then Great Master Reno appeared and said.
“Come with me at once jump to that building and get out of here!” Just as they stepped of the building it collapsed and they were safe but killed some people in that building who were helpless.

The clones had won this battle and the droids stopped making attacks on North Courasant but what was Corakin’s fate be? Had Great Master Reno seen his deadly attack? Will this take him to the Dark Side and what if they don’t have a good enough evidence for killing Yuan?

There was a celebration at the end of the day with fireworks for Courasant being saved again.

“Courasant is free from war again!”

Created by Darth Aida and my friend Connor
Inspired by Star Wars (duh!)

Sequel- Star Wars Jedi School 2 Droid Invasion.

It seemed ... rushed, especially near the end. A couple of spelling and grammer checks, and it should be fine. But all in all, a nice and enjoyable read :)

Awaiting for the sequel :D

Thank you BFA. I guess it was rushed at the end and i won't bother trying to put it in the Archives ai it's not good enough. However the sequel will be good start to finish. :D

It could be good enough, just ask someone nicely whether they can read over it and edit where neccessary, for you. I'm sure that there is someone here who could help, but you would kust have to see :D

And as i said, Awaiting for the sequel :D

ok thanks, I just put the whole thing in one thread and put [FIN] right?

ok thanks, I just put the whole thing in one thread and put [FIN] right?

Yes, that is what you do. Create a new Thread with [FIN] before the Thread title, which for this is Jedi School. It seemed rushed, as Mr_BFA has already said and as he has also said, always take in advice given by other members. It usually helps, unless they're flaming.

yup yup, and a mod will put it in the Archives for you.

Edit: Ahh bugger, Pottsie beat me to it, lol.

oh yeh and you have to put THE END at THE END of the thread. Well that's THE END of this thread.

EDIT I've changed my mind the name of the sequel will be called Kin's Demise

They walked through a gate and there were to paths one which was dark and going downhill and one which was heading to the city they listened to the dark path and heard breathing and they thought they saw shadows so they took the safer way.
My throw at it from 12:04 in the morning.

The two (I haven't read the rest, this could be 20 people for all I know) continued down the path passing an open gate only to discover a fork. The left path was rather ominous, leading a dark trail downhill towards the direction of the city. They both stopped standing next to one another and listened intently for a few moments. doubting the safety of exploring the path. They only heard the hallow sounds of the wind reverberating off the ferrocrete walls, almost hiding the ragged breathing of dark men lying wait. The two looked at each other in worry and, without word, chose the right path.

you kinda revived an old thread thread but thanks.

I did say i was going to make sequesl but have changed my mind.

No sequels i have another saga in my head.

Err, yeah. I couldn't help it.