Earlier this week in the End of School Prank thread I mentioned that I had to write a short story for my english final and was asked to post it. This is my second draft, I make no apologies if you are offended by my portrayal of EMO kids, or of paranoid people. If you happen to find any grammatical errors or any story related problems that don't look intentional please bring them to my attention as this needs to be turned in by thursday. The formatting my have been messed up a bit by VB but what can you do?
THE BOB HOPE MAN
Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction and furthermore a satire piece, nothing serious is being implied by this story and all resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Besides if you sue me for defamation of character that would be very uncool.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
— The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution
Main Body
It was night time in an unnamed Minnesota suburb, the stars were out and they lit up the sky. Bobbie father however was not excited about the star as he turned into his drive way. He got out of his car and walked up the 13 steps to his front door. He grumbled to himself quite loudly, he didn’t care if the world to know he was pissed off.
“Man just can’t make a living off slip and fall lawsuits anymore, damnit!”
He opened up his door and was surprised by how quiet it was, the angry music wasn’t blaring and nobody was crying, maybe Bobbie had smothered in his sleep. He smiled thinking of all the money he could make suing by Serta. He walked through the kitchen, and then into the hallway, he was about to walk past the laundry room when he noticed that someone had stretched a hose from inside the laundry room down the hall and around the corner. He stepped into the laundry room and flipped the switch, the end of the hose was hooked up to the laundry tub, he was puzzled but many strange things tended to happen to him, at least he thought so.
“What the hell is going on around here?” He said under his breath.
He walked out to the hall and followed the hose around the corner and to the door of Bobbie’s room. Bobbie’s door was only open enough to permit the hose to get through, which provided only a narrow crack to permit viewing. He walked up to there door and braced himself, he never liked opening “this door”, every time he did he was confronted by images so gruesome that he’d spent many a night at the bar trying to forget them. He decided it would be best to swing the door open slowly, going too fast would force the horrors inside on him all at once. He got up the courage and slowly, very slowly inched the door open. He suddenly realized he had instinctively closed his eyes. It took some effort but he managed to open his eyes, he instantly wished he hadn’t. The strange posters we there as always, the place was a mess like always but something new had been added since his last unfortunate visit. The hose was run up onto Bobbie’s dresser and into the aquarium that served as a home for Bobbie’s hamster “Mr. Fudgey Face”. The water wasn’t running very fast but it looked like it head been going for some time, as half of the tank was now filled. Bobbie was hunched over looking into the Aquarium. His expression was the same one he’d had on that face for years, eyelids lowered, lips turned downward into a pathetic frown. Then he spoke.
“You see Mr. Fudgey Face, this is what I live with every day, it’s always raining in my world”
Mr. Fudgey Face was making a valiant effort to avoid drowning, he was standing on top of his wheel trying his hardest not to unbalance it and end up pitched into the churning water that had his home.
“Bobbie Fisher Gaerbolstuoffer, what in the hell are you doing to Mr. Fudgey Face!”
He ran back out of the room before he could have gotten a response to turn off the tap, when he came back Bobbie was sobbing softly.
“What are you crying for, you tried to drowned you hamster!!”
“I was trying to teach Mr. Fudgey Face about life, and how nothing good happens, and the rain, and the leaches, and and and……” Came the babbling reply.
“Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to go over to Menards and watch me spray WD-40 in my eyes, we still have that lawyer on speed dial right?” He said condescendingly.
“But if you can’t behave yourself, I guess I’ll just have to do it by myself” He continued.
“No, don’t do by yourself, then who will drive you to the hospital?”
“I guess that I’ll just have to get that shyster to bring me downtown” He said with great enjoyment.
“Wherever there is and ambulance he seems to be, so you just stay here, listen to some angry music, cut yourself, read Catcher in the Rye for the hundredth time”
He was greatly enjoying this, messing with the mental state of his less then ideal offspring was great fun and was the only reason he ever purposely engaged Bobbie in conversation.
He could see Bobbie’s eyes begin to roll backward in his head, he didn’t want the boy to put a curse on him or anything so he decided not mention some of the other things he was sure Bobbie did when no one else was around.
“Please dad, I’ll behave, just give me a minute and we can go over there” He said and began searching through the mess for his Jack Boots.
“Nah did that last week, they might start to catch on if I tempt fate”
“Why, would you.. You.. do this to me” Bobbie Stammered.
“Because I’m your father now take the trash out to the burn barrel” He quickly stated hoping to distract the boy.
“But I don..”
“NNNNNOOOWWW!!!!!” He roared.
“Allright Allright!” Bobbie yelled and promptly ran from the room.
When Bobbie came back from the burn barrel out back he found his dad outside staring at the stars but had his hands clapped over his face.
“Dad why are your hands over your face?”
“I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, alright!”
“What?”
“I don’t know I’ve just conveniently forgotten the question”
“Never mind I don’t care, but here’s a question I think everyone is dying to know the answer to, why do we have an burn barrel isn’t that illegal?”
“Why yes Bobbie, but I’m afraid of people going through my garbage, particularly government type people, and while we’re on the subject who is the everybody you mentioned?”
“Why me, pazuzu, and the reader of course”
“I know about Pazuzu but who’s this reader you mentioned?”
“I don’t know, forget about it, now could you explain why you’re covering your face, with your hands like that?”
Bobbies father backed up to the house so that he was under the overhang, he then took his hands off of his face and motioned for Bobbie to come over to him.
“See those lights up there, all of those are satellites boy, I didn’t want them to see me, I really should have wrapped my head in tin foil just to be safe but that looks silly”
“You mean the stars?”
“Those aren’t stars boy, they’re satellites and I oughta know because they weren’t there in the 40’s….”
“….But Dad you were born in 72”
“Don’t talk back, I know these things!”
“Alright, I believe you.”
“You’d better, don’t you have any respect for me boy?”
“I do, I tried to write my admiration essay on you but you made me write about Bobby Fisher.”
“You should admire him son, he doesn’t take crap from anybody, now that’s life.”
“Dad he’s in prison!?!”
“So, If you work real hard in school, someday you could be just like him.”
“But I don’t wanna be like him, I have my ban…”
“…Oh is that what you were doing out in the garage, I thought somebody was molesting the cat.”
“IT DIDN”T SOUND BAD!!” He stated with fire in his eyes.
“Alright that wasn’t fair, I guess, it sounded more like somebody was doing a two step on your nuts.”
“Dad, STOP IT!”
“OH you got dissed, oh oh!”
“Dad, stop it, you are lowering my self esteem to unprecedented levels.”
“Well that sucks don’t it”
“Dad, please stop, Mom never treats me like this!”
“Yah well I’m not your Mom!”
“Where is Mom anyway”
“I don’t know, she’s an unimportant secondary character who is only mentioned a few time, I guess the author didn’t feel the need to explain her whereabouts, kinda like he didn’t see fit to give me a name, what a bastard”
“What? That didn’t make sense, what author?”
“It makes more sense then that crummy music you listen to”
“Dad don’t change the subject, what were you talking about!” Bobbie said demandingly.
“I was just saying
“What weirdo’s?!” Demanded Bobbie, who now had completely forgotten why they were discussing this in the first place.
“You know, like that one Canadian guy who wears a dress and cries.”
“Dad don’t mock my self expression!” He screamed.
“Since when is it your self expression? All he does is scream “I HATE YOU ALL BURN BURN BURN” may I ask what the hell that has to do with you?”
“It’s how I feel inside.” Said Bobbie in a very frail voice.
“Well if you feel like that then I guess I feel like like a jelly donut”
“Dad if you don’t stop it I’ll put a curse on you!”
“How dare you take away my right to feel like a jelly donut, you’re no better then any of those government types!”
“What the hell are you talking about, we were just talking about jelly donuts, and you go and misdirect the conversation!”
“
“You get to keep misdirecting the dialogue and I think I should get a turn, and you have to pretend that nothing happened!” He interjected.
“Fine, go ahead” Was the answer.
“Well, when I tell people I don’t want a government people make fun of me because I have no explanation why, why do I hate the government?”
“Because Bobbie, you do what I tell you and if you don’t I won’t protect you anymore and Bob Hope will come to our house during the night, and he’ll take you away, Bobbie do you want to join the legions of undead who prowl the earth, do you boy!”
“Cool!”
“No Bobbie it’s not cool.”
“But it sounds cool.”
“I seem to have been mistaken, It seems that Bob Hope takes you to a place where you have to wear white clothes and listen to happy music, is that what you want?”
“Well no, but someone told me that Bob Hope doesn’t steal children and tha…”He was suddenly cut off.
“…Who are you going to believe Bobbie, some authority figure or me, who’s in charge, ME, as long as you live in my house you’re not going to respect authority figures, who’s in charge!”
“Well I don’t…”
“..ME!”
“But da..”
“..Don’t argue with me Bobbie, you want Bob Hope to break your sweet head open with a golf club, do yah, do yah, I’ll let him do it too, that’s what you get for not having faith in your old dad” He said proudly.
“But da..”
“..Don’t call me dad, I’d prefer to be called High Prefect”
“But you said titles were bad, something Bob Hope would do..”
“..Don’t sass the High Prefect boy!”
“Da..”
“Don’t say it boy, don’t you say it!”
“My teacher said that there’s no such thing as the Bob Hope man who steals children, and she also wanted to know where you came upon this information.”
“Boy have a little faith, Bob Barker told me that.”
“You mean the guy from the price is right?”
“No that dog across the street.” He said with an air of authority.
“That’s Bob Barker?, that’s Bob Barker? Mom told you not to talk to Dan Brown anymore he’s a bad influence on you?!?!” He screamed.
“Dan Brown didn’t tell me about Bob Hope, Bob Barker did.”
“No dad, every time you talk to Dan Brown you get messed up ideas in your head!”
“I don’t know a Dan Brown, I do know a dog named Bob Barker and he tells me things”
“Dogs can’t talk, dad I’m starting to think that a lot of what you say is crap, and that maybe I shouldn’t believe anything you say”
“Boy, don’t tempt me”
“But if there’s no government at all what’s to keep the strong from taking what they want from the weak, and how are we going to survive if there is no government how are we going to defraud our local business establishments, what if maybe there was just a little government?” Bobbie said, he was struggling for every word but it seemed that maybe everything he’d believed all his life was wrong.
“Bobbie you are making the High Prefect very mad, I think the satellite mind beams might be getting to you, lets go get some tin foil.”
“Well uh…”
“Well what?” He demanded
“I kinda left the tin foil in the basement”
“Well Bobbie why would you do a thing like that?”
“It’s a plot device that moves the story along, not to mention changes the setting, and adds some mystery to the story”
“What are you talking about?!”
“I don’t know, it’s like someone someplace else has complete control of my life and I don’t really make any choices, you know”
Bobbies eyes were kinda glazed over, his father did not understand but there were many things he did not understand, besides what a plot device might be, he resolved to ask Bob Barker, he always seemed to have the answers.
“Come on Bobby, we’re going to go into the dark basement so we can get the tinfoil, it sure would be awful if someone who strangely has power over our entire universe decided it was time something bad happened to us, that would make him or her a bad person”
“Dad stop breaking the fourth wall”
“What?”
“Never mind, lets go get the tin foil”
It was quite dark in the basement and he could barely make out Bobbie’s outline as they inched along.
“Bobbie I’m gonna ask again because I still don’t know, why the hell did you leave my tin foil down here in the basement?” He asked into the darkness.
“I don’t know.” Came the reply.
“You don’t know!?! You don’t know!?!?! You don’t know anything do you, what do you thing would happen if I was as careless as you, I’m the only thing standing between J. Edgar and your moms dress’s!” He loudly proclaimed.
“Dad, if you don’t stop making fun of me, something bad will happen to you.” Came the little angry voice. He shrugged the threat off, it wasn’t the first time his son had threatened his life come to think of it Bobbie threatened everybody’s life at some point. He thought back to when the boy had been three years old, he should have figured something was wrong, even back then, It’s just not natural for a child’s first words to be “This sow is mine”.
“Bobbie, Bobbie, where did you go? The only response that came was silence.
“Answer me!” He shrieked. All of the sudden he was falling forward, but he didn’t hit the floor, at least not right away. Though he couldn’t see he knew the basement floor had not broken his fall, not to mention the whole front side of his body hurt terribly. One thing was for sure, he wasn’t laying on concrete, it was moist and granular, the word dirt eventually beat its way into his mind. He struggled to his feet, and backed into a hard surface, as he felt around and realized that the surface, whatever it was, was all around him, he knew he was trapped and began to call out.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
He heard the sound of a light switch click on, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust to his new surroundings. He looked up and saw a circle of light above him, he was in a hole, and there was no way he was going to be able to pull himself out without help.
“Bobbie, help me out of the hole, I don’t want Bob Hope to get me!” He cried out.
Bobbies face appeared above him but he said nothing. Something landed beside him, it was a bottle of lotion.
“Bobbie please help your old man out of the hole, who will look after your mom if Bob Hope takes me away!” He pleaded.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told” Bobbie said emotionlessly.
“Bobbie let me out of the hole and I’ll let you play with my razor” He said franticly.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told” Again no emotion.
“That’s it, when I get out of this hole, I’m canceling the cable and then I’m gonna…”
“Going to do what?” Asked Bobbie.
“I’m not sure I think someone might have writers block.”
“Could you explain that more clearly, my character who is not based on anybody by the way, was not created to have much of an intellect” Bobbie added.
“Well this sure is embarrassing, maybe it would be best if everything ended right here, this can’t be going anyplace good anyway.”
“But then people will feel cheated if they read this far just to get a cop out ending.”
“What are we talking about anyway?”
“Who knows, lets get back on track, where were we.”
“Alright, I was going, AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told”
THE END
Dude..you either have too much time on your hands or you love torment...probably both..
“Wherever there is and ambulance he seems to be, so you just stay here, listen to some angry music, cut yourself, read Catcher in the Rye for the hundredth time”You, sir, win the internets.
What,does this have to do with Kotor?
Yours Truly,
Revan466
I wonder if you read what the ahto section is all about..
What,does this have to do with Kotor?
Yours Truly,
Revan466Stop in and chat among your fellow Knights about anything and everything!
XD three posts at the same time.
Stop in and chat among your fellow Knights about anything and everything!
Ohhhhhhh...........Woopsie,sorry. :laughing:
Yours Truly,
Revan466
I'll avoid bringing up some issues and just suggest running this by hallucination for a grammar/spellcheck.
You do understand that you will be forced to undergo psychiatric evaluation if you turn it in as homework, m'kay.
All right, you posted it!
“Alright that wasn’t fair, I guess, it sounded more like somebody was doing a two step on your nuts.”
hehe, oh god, that's so funny....I can't stop giggling....
Great story bro. Here's to you getting an A! :thmbup1:
My teacher isn't one to censor, besides the disclaimer. He isn't gonna care, another project we had to do was a childrens book, that was a little tamer than this but still pretty bad.
haha that was great, you sir win forever
Uh...um...*scratches head*
Statement: Please explain story. Otherwise, funny jokes!
I had to do a short story for my English final due wednesday, after having some run ins lately with obnoxious EMO kids I decided that I ought to write a story about one I dislike in particular. The story is exagerated but a good portion of the dialogue is bassed on things that him or his dad have said. I spent last night, lunch today, a study hall, and a little time tonight revising more (To take out grammatical errors, replace words I some how forgot to put in, and to add somethings I'd forgotten for the earlier draft. I expect to have it ready a little later tonight.
:rofl: Good jerb job, tell us what your teacher says. :)
Here's the story with revisions made that I will turn in tommorow, I meen later today (damn it got late). I'm pleased with the positive responses I've gotten but I was kinda hopin to get a death threat (meens you've really struck a chord). Thank you for taking the time to read it.
THE BOB HOPE MAN
Disclaimer
This is a work of fiction and furthermore a satire piece, nothing serious is being implied by this story and all resemblance to persons living or dead is purely coincidental. Besides if you sue me for defamation of character that would be very uncool. Everything here is intended to be humorous in nature, the views represented by characters in this piece are by no means views I hold, I also confirm that I am of sound mind and body and therefore not a lunatic.
Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.
— The First Amendment to the U.S. Constitution
Main Body
It was night time in an unnamed Minnesota suburb, the stars were out and they lit up the sky. Bobbie father however was not excited about the star as he turned into his drive way. He got out of his car and walked up the 13 steps to his front door. He grumbled to himself quite loudly, he didn’t care if the world to know he was pissed off.
“Man just can’t make a living off slip and fall lawsuits anymore, damnit!”
He opened up his door and was surprised by how quiet it was, the angry music wasn’t blaring and nobody was crying, maybe Bobbie had smothered in his sleep. He smiled thinking of all the money he could make by suing Serta. He walked through the kitchen, and then into the hallway, he was about to walk past the laundry room when he noticed that someone had stretched a hose from inside the laundry room down the hall and around the corner. He stepped into the laundry room and flipped the switch, the end of the hose was hooked up to the laundry tub, he was puzzled but many strange things tended to happen to him, at least he thought so.
“What the hell is going on around here?” He said under his breath.
He walked out to the hall and followed the hose around the corner and to the door of Bobbie’s room. Bobbie’s door was only open enough to permit the hose to get through, which provided only a narrow crack to permit viewing. He walked up to the door and braced himself, he never liked opening “this door”, every time he did he was confronted by images so gruesome that he’d spent many a night at the bar trying to forget them. He decided it would be best to swing the door open slowly, going too fast would force the horrors inside on him all at once. He got up the courage and slowly, very slowly inched the door open. He suddenly realized he had instinctively closed his eyes. It took some effort but he managed to open his eyes, he instantly wished he hadn’t. The strange posters we there as always, the place was a mess like always but something new had been added since his last unfortunate visit. The hose was run up onto Bobbie’s dresser and into the aquarium that served as a home for Bobbie’s hamster “Mr. Fudgey Face”. The water wasn’t running very fast but it looked like it head been going for some time, as half of the tank was now filled. Bobbie was hunched over looking into the Aquarium. His expression was the same one he’d had on that face for years, eyelids lowered, lips turned downward into a pathetic frown. Then he spoke.
“You see Mr. Fudgey Face, this is what I live with every day, it’s always raining in my world”
Mr. Fudgey Face was making a valiant effort to avoid drowning, he was standing on top of his wheel trying his hardest not to unbalance it and end up pitched into the churning water that had filled his home.
“Bobbie Fisher Gaerbolstuoffer, what in the hell are you doing to Mr. Fudgey Face!”
He ran back out of the room before he could have gotten a response to turn off the tap, when he came back Bobbie was sobbing softly.
“What are you crying for, you tried to drowned you hamster!!”
“I was trying to teach Mr. Fudgey Face about life, and how nothing good happens, and the rain, and the leaches, and and and……” Came the babbling reply.
“Well I was going to ask you if you wanted to go over to Menards and watch me spray WD-40 in my eyes, hey we still have that lawyer on speed dial right?” He said condescendingly.
“But if you can’t behave yourself, I guess I’ll just have to do it by myself” He continued.
“No, don’t do it by yourself, then who will drive you to the hospital?”
“I guess that I’ll just have to get that shyster to bring me downtown” He said with great enjoyment.
“Wherever there is and ambulance he seems to be, so you just stay here, listen to some angry music, cut yourself, read Catcher in the Rye for the hundredth time, and whatever else you do”
He was greatly enjoying this, messing with the mental state of his less then ideal offspring was great fun and was the only reason he ever purposely engaged Bobbie in conversation.
He could see Bobbie’s eyes begin to roll backward in his head, he didn’t want the boy to put a curse on him or anything so he decided not to mention some of the other things he was sure Bobbie did when no one else was around.
“Please dad, I’ll behave, just give me a minute and we can go over there” He said and began searching through the mess for his Jack Boots.
“Nah did that last week, they might start to catch on if I tempt fate”
“Why, would you.. You.. do this to me” Bobbie Stammered.
“Because I’m your father now take the trash out to the burn barrel” He quickly stated hoping to distract the boy.
“But I don..”
“NNNNNOOOWWW!!!!!” He roared.
“Allright Allright!” Bobbie yelled and promptly ran from the room.
When Bobbie came back from the burn barrel out back he found his dad outside staring at the stars but had his hands clapped over his face.
“Dad why are your hands over your face?”
“I’m a paranoid schizophrenic, alright!”
“What?”
“I don’t know I’ve just conveniently forgotten the question”
“Never mind I don’t care, but here’s a question I think everyone is dying to know the answer to, why do we have a burn barrel isn’t that illegal?”
“Why yes Bobbie, but I’m afraid of people going through my garbage, particularly government type people, and while we’re on the subject who is the everybody you mentioned?”
“Why me, pazuzu, and the reader of course”
“I know about Pazuzu but who’s this reader you mentioned?”
“I don’t know, forget about it, now could you explain why you’re covering your face, with your hands like that?”
Bobbies father backed up to the house so that he was under the overhang, he then took his hands off of his face and motioned for Bobbie to come over to him.
“See those lights up there, all of those are satellites boy, I didn’t want them to see me, I really should have wrapped my head in tin foil just to be safe but that looks silly”
“You mean the stars?”
“Those aren’t stars boy, they’re satellites and I oughta know because they weren’t there in the 40’s….”
“….But Dad you were born in 72”
“Don’t talk back, I know these things!”
“Alright, I believe you.”
“You’d better, don’t you have any respect for me boy?”
“I do, I tried to write my admiration essay on you but you made me write about Bobby Fisher.”
“You should admire him son, he doesn’t take crap from anybody, now that’s life.”
“Dad he’s in prison!?!”
“So, If you work real hard in school, someday you could be just like him.”
“But I don’t wanna be like him, I have my ban…”
“…Oh is that what you were doing out in the garage, I thought somebody was molesting the cat.”
“IT DIDN”T SOUND BAD!!” He stated with fire in his eyes.
“Alright that wasn’t fair, I guess, it sounded more like somebody was doing a two step on your nuts.”
“Dad, STOP IT!”
“OH you got dissed, oh oh!”
“Dad, stop it, you are lowering my self esteem to unprecedented levels.”
“Well that sucks don’t it”
“Dad, please stop, Mom never treats me like this!”
“Yah well I’m not your Mom!”
“Where is Mom anyway?”
“I don’t know, she’s an unimportant secondary character who is only mentioned a few time, I guess the author didn’t feel the need to explain her whereabouts, kinda like how he didn’t see fit to give me a name, what a bastard”
“What? That didn’t make sense, what author?”
“It makes more sense then that crummy music you listen to”
“Dad don’t change the subject, what were you talking about!” Bobbie said demandingly.
“I was just saying that those weirdo’s have a bad effect on your mental state.”
“What weirdo’s?!” Demanded Bobbie, who now had completely forgotten why they were discussing this in the first place.
“You know, like that one Canadian guy who wears a dress and cries.”
“Dad don’t mock my self expression!” He screamed.
“Since when is it your self expression? All he does is scream “I HATE YOU ALL BURN BURN BURN” may I ask what the hell that has to do with you?”
“It’s how I feel inside.” Said Bobbie in a very frail voice.
“Well if you feel like that then I guess I feel like like a jelly donut”
“Dad if you don’t stop it I’ll put a curse on you!”
“How dare you take away my right to feel like a jelly donut, you’re no better then any of those government types!”
“You get to keep misdirecting the dialogue and I think I should get a turn, and you have to pretend that nothing happened!” Bobbie interjected.
“Fine, go ahead” Was the answer.
“Well, when I tell people I don’t want a government people make fun of me because I have no explanation why, why do I hate the government?”
“Because Bobbie, you do what I tell you and if you don’t I won’t protect you anymore and Bob Hope will come to our house during the night, and he’ll take you away, Bobbie do you want to join the legions of undead who prowl the earth, do you boy!”
“Cool!”
“No Bobbie it’s not cool.”
“But it sounds cool.”
“I seem to have been mistaken, It seems that Bob Hope takes you to a place where you have to wear white clothes and listen to happy music, is that what you want?”
“Well no, but someone told me that Bob Hope doesn’t steal children and tha…”He was suddenly cut off.
“…Who are you going to believe Bobbie, some authority figure or me, who’s in charge, ME, as long as you live in my house you’re not going to respect authority figures, who’s in charge!”
“Well I don’t…”
“..ME!”
“But da..”
“..Don’t argue with me Bobbie, you want Bob Hope to break your sweet head open with a golf club, do yah, do yah, I’ll let him do it too, that’s what you get for not having faith in your old dad” He said proudly.
“But da..”
“..Don’t call me dad, I’d prefer to be called High Prefect.”
“But you said titles were bad, something Bob Hope would do..”
“..Don’t sass the High Prefect boy!”
“Da..”
“Don’t say it boy, don’t you say it!”
“My teacher said that there’s no such thing as the Bob Hope man who steals children, and she also wanted to know where you came upon this information.”
“Boy have a little faith, Bob Barker told me that.”
“You mean the guy from the price is right?”
“No that dog across the street.” He said with an air of authority.
“That’s Bob Barker? that’s Bob Barker? Mom told you not to talk to Dan Brown anymore he’s a bad influence on you?!?!” He screamed.
“Dan Brown didn’t tell me about Bob Hope, Bob Barker did.”
“No dad, every time you talk to Dan Brown you get messed up ideas in your head!”
“I don’t know a Dan Brown, I do know a dog named Bob Barker and he tells me things.”
“Dogs can’t talk, dad I’m starting to think that a lot of what you say is crap, and that maybe I shouldn’t believe anything you say.”
“Boy, don’t tempt me”
“But if there’s no government at all what’s to keep the strong from taking what they want from the weak, and how are we going to survive if there is no government how are we going to defraud our local business establishments, what if maybe there was just a little government?” Bobbie said, he was struggling for every word but it seemed that maybe everything he’d believed all his life was wrong.
“Bobbie you are making the High Prefect very mad, I think the satellite mind beams might be getting to you, let’s go get some tin foil.”
“Well uh…”
“Well what?” He demanded
“I kinda left the tin foil in the basement”
“Well Bobbie why would you do a thing like that?”
“It’s a plot device that moves the story along, not to mention changes the setting, and adds some mystery to the story”
“What are you talking about?!”
“I don’t know, it’s like someone someplace else has complete control of my life and I don’t really make any choices, you know”
Bobbie’s eyes were glazed over, his father did not understand but there were many things he did not understand, besides what a plot device might be, he resolved to ask Bob Barker, he always seemed to have the answers.
“Come on Bobby, we’re going to go into the dark basement so we can get the tinfoil, it sure would be awful if someone who strangely has power over our entire universe decided it was time something bad happened to us, that would make him or her a bad person”
“Dad stop breaking the fourth wall”
“What?”
“Never mind, lets go get the tin foil”
It was quite dark in the basement and he could barely make out Bobbie’s outline as they inched along.
“Bobbie I’m gonna ask again because I still don’t know, why the hell did you leave my tin foil down here in the basement?” He asked into the darkness.
“I don’t know.” Came the reply.
“You don’t know!?! You don’t know!?!?! You don’t know anything do you, what do you thing would happen if I was as careless as you, I’m the only thing standing between J. Edgar and your moms dress’s!” He loudly proclaimed.
“Dad, if you don’t stop making fun of me, something bad will happen to you.” Came the little angry voice. He shrugged the threat off, it wasn’t the first time his son had threatened his life come to think of it Bobbie threatened everybody’s life at some point. He thought back to when the boy had been three years old, he should have figured something was wrong, even back then, It’s just not natural for a child’s first words to be “This sow is mine”.
“Bobbie, Bobbie, where did you go? The only response that came was silence.
“Answer me!” He shrieked. All of the sudden he was falling forward, but he didn’t hit the floor, at least not right away. Though he couldn’t see he knew the basement floor had not broken his fall, not to mention the whole front side of his body hurt terribly. One thing was for sure, he wasn’t laying on concrete, it was moist and granular, the word dirt eventually beat its way into his mind. He struggled to his feet, and backed into a hard surface, he felt around and realized that the surface, whatever it was, was all around him, he knew he was trapped and began to call out.
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!”
He heard the sound of a light switch click on, it took a moment for his eyes to adjust to his new surroundings. He looked up and saw a circle of light above him, he was in a hole, and there was no way he was going to be able to pull himself out without help.
“Bobbie, help me out of the hole, I don’t want Bob Hope to get me!” He cried out.
Bobbies face appeared above him but he said nothing. Something landed beside him, it was a bottle of lotion.
“Bobbie please help your old man out of the hole, who will look after your mom if Bob Hope takes me away!” He pleaded.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told” Bobbie said emotionlessly.
“Bobbie let me out of the hole and I’ll let you play with my razor” He said franticly.
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told” Again no emotion.
“That’s it, when I get out of this hole, I’m canceling the cable and then I’m gonna…”
“Going to do what?” Asked Bobbie.
“I’m not sure I think someone might have writers block.”
“Could you explain that more clearly, my character who is not based on anybody by the way, was not created to have much of an intellect” Bobbie added.
“Well this sure is embarrassing, maybe it would be best if everything ended right here, this can’t be going anyplace good anyway.” Said his father.
“But then people will feel cheated if they read this far just to get a cop out ending.” Bobbie Argued.
“I haven’t felt this cheated since the time I rented Primal Fear”
“Why, because Richard Gere is a crummy actor, or because of that awful twist ending?” Bobbie asked.
“What are we talking about anyway?”
“Who knows, lets get back on track, where were we.”
“Alright, I was going, AAAAAAAHHHHH!!!”
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!”
“It rubs the lotion on its skin, it does this whenever it is told”
“AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!”
THE END
Just a quick update, I had my report card mailed to me a few days ago and I did pull off an A on this paper, I could have found out earlier but I had no reason to show up for the last day since I had no finals.