Thanks for the replies Connor.I've been very busy,so it's really hard to finish Chapter 4.I'll see what i can dig on weekend though.
good luck
long live star wars!!!!
*Snip*
connor, please do not advertise your fiction in another persons thread, please read our Forum Rules before posting again. I have deleted your advertising part of your post. -RH
I just read your chapters, they're good
Just finished reading it. It's pretty good, I like it. Keep going!
There is tons you will like but little you will read
Thanks for the replies Connor.I've been very busy,so it's really hard to finish Chapter 4.I'll see what i can dig on weekend though.
I'm looking forward to the next chapter, but don't rush it. I can totally relate to being busy. You don't always have time to write. That's fine. I managed whip out a new chapter yesterday. I've started another chapter today. (Most of my finals are done with :D) Anyways, great job so far.
Thanks Niner,i'll check it out.Well,i don't have any more exams,i think i can get the chapter ready on my last week of school (19th-23rd) because it's mainly activities.
Those weeks are always fun.
I know. My activities week is on my last week.
Niner,it's fun because some teachers skip the classes to take us to the activities. :)
I'll probably be watching movies and having study halls on my last week. Too bad its only two days. Oh, and I'll be studying for my regents tests, too.
chap 4, i can't wait but don't rush
like ive said before, good job. hey remember to check out my fanfic too
Thanks for the comments,Chapter 4 probly coming this week.Final week!Also,check out front page for a image.Many thanks to Sabretooth.
It seems everyone is stealing my front Pic idea! Well acutally, I got the idea from Alkonium's Fics. Can't wait for Chapter 4. Please be a good one.
The title pic is just a fun thing to have. I hope that Sabretooth enjoys making them. I am waiting with impatience for chapter four. :)
I think i can get it today.If not then Friday.
Don't worry, I'm finding it even more difficult to work on mine, even though I'm on break. During the school year, I had a schedule; I worked on it a little each day. In the summer, I've been going on all day trips, and I haven't been able to find much time.
The title pic is just a fun thing to have. I hope that Sabretooth enjoys making them.
As much as I love writing ;) ! I don't see the title pic for this one, though. It's probably my Norton blocking it. How ironic, the creator can't see his creation...
This is a very good fanfic and I'm checking this out regularly. Can't wait for the next chapter...
Cool,now Sabretoothe reads my fic.I just hope i get more viewers.Also Pottsie,the English-Latin translator is very cool,comes up with some good Sith names.
Thanks very much Jason. If I find anything else useful, I'll put them in my Fanfics.
Chapter IV right away!
Chapter IV
Games of Mistrust-Part II
Jaden and Rosh prepared the ship, giving it a extra seat for them to fit in while Kyra talked a bit about the Dark Side with Luke: how to evade it, how to get away from it and how to fight it. Rosh then interrupted.
“Kyra, the ship’s ready, we should go.” Said Rosh.
“Alright, thanks Rosh. Bye Master Skywalker.” Said Kyra.
She waved her hand at Luke and ran with Rosh to the ship. They saw Jaden finishing something on the engine.
“Well, the Raven’s ready to go.” Said Jaden. “Also, there is one seat at the front, the other two are behind and can turn around for the turrets.”
“We should get going.” Remarked Kyra.
A droid set up some stairs and they climbed them. Jaden sat in the front seat and Kyra and Rosh in the backseats. He set the coordinates to Nar Shadda and blasted off.
Meanwhile on a space ship, Kayn watched onto Nar Shadda.
“My Lord, the Jedi’s are on their way to Nar Shadda.” Said one of Kayn’s officers.
“Send starfighters Officer Skyrider. Also, tell Darth Tenebrae to go to our base on Nar Shadda. He should straighten those kids up.” Said Kayn.
Officer Skyrider got on some sort of mic and ordered many star fighters to look for the Raven’s Claw while Tenebrae went to Nar Shadda.
“What the? Rosh, Kyra, turrets, hurry!” said Jaden.
They both got their fingers on the triggers and started shooting. Many star fighters appeared and they were skilled shooters. Jaden evaded many shots but they weren’t enough for them. They needed a trap. Rosh prepared some sort of missile and shot it. It destroyed 5 star fighters. They went all at the Raven’s Claw but Jaden simply went up and they all crashed and burned, destroying each other.
“Well, we got out alive, that’s good to know. Now we should continue our trip to Nar Shadda.” Said Rosh.
When they got there, the welcoming party was Han and Chewie.
“Finally, you made it. I was starting to think you wouldn’t do it.” Said Han.
They walked off a little to the docks. They saw a TIE Fighter landing.
“Quick, hide!” said Jaden. They hided behind some boxes and saw a Sith coming out. His face was red and black, he had a cape and looked very shady. He asked the Dock Master if a ship known as the Raven’s Claw had landed but he didn’t knew. The Sith then walked off to the Jekk Jekk Tarr, a cantina which toxic fumes could kill a human.
They continued their “trip” to settle the Bounty and found that a Hutt named Gordon was near there.
“So all we need to do is get in there and talk to him?” asked Kyra.
“Unfortunately not. We need to seek a servant of his.” Said Han.
They walked off to the cantina where they found a Twi’lek. Fortunately he worked for Gordon.
“Hey you there!” shouted Han.
“Well well, if it isn’t Han Solo. What do you want?” asked the Twi’lek.
“We want to settle a Bounty with Gordon.”
“Oh, that. Well, you see, Master has certain “tastes”.”
“What do you mean?” asked Kyra.
“Oh, a girl. She’ll do nicely.”
“What does he mean?” asked Rosh.
“Well, kid, to settle the bounty you’ll have to…dance for Gordon. And to make matters worse, you have to wear a certain suit.” Said Han.
The Twi’lek showed them the suit. Kyra didn’t like it but she knew it was the only way to settle the bounty.
“Alright, I’ll do it.” Said Kyra as she put the dress on.
The Twi’lek then brought them to Gordon’s place. Kyra started dancing but eventually Gordon fell asleep as the Twi’lek ran off. Kyra put her normal clothes on and ignited her lightsaber.
“Wake up!” she shouted. Gordon immediately woke up.
“Ha, wah, oh, wait, what do you want?” said Gordon noticing she had her lightsaber ignited.
“I want you to stop the bounty we have on our heads!” she shouted once again.
Gordon looked right and left and then pressed a button. The Sith they saw came out.
“Tenebrae, deal with them!” said Gordon.
Tenebrae ignited his dual red lightsabers while Jaden and Rosh ignited theirs. The battle lasted about ten minutes with red, violet, orange and yellow sparks flying. Eventually Tenebrae knocked down both Jaden and Rosh and Kyra into Gordon. He was about to stab her when she flipped and rolled on his shoulders and he stabbed Gordon, killing him. Tenebrae then turned around only to be decapitated by Kyra’s spinning lightsaber throw. Finally it was done, there was no longer a bounty on their heads and Darth Tenebrae was dead.
“That’s for making me wear that dress!” said Kyra with a angry look. Jaden and Rosh calmed her down and to relax a little, they went to the Cantina and played a little Pazaak and then finally went to the Raven’s Claw to go back to Yavin IV.
“Master, Darth Tenebrae is dead.” Said Cyrus.
“It does not matter Cyrus, he was weak anyway. Let’s see how this meddling kids get out of my next idea.” Said Kayn as he laughed a evil laugh.
Rate, hate, advice!
Good Chapter. Took a while though... :lol:. Looking foward to next Chapter.
cool
connor, I agree with Jason Skywalker's statement below, no more one or two word posts ok? Remember our penalties for spamming. -RH
Thanks for the comments. Also, remember, rate, hate, advice!
Connor: try to post more than cool, it's kinda spammy.
Good chapter. I had to refresh on what happened earlier, lol. Don't worry, I'm sure you'll have to too for mine by the time I get the next chapter out. :D Good work.
Thanks for the comment Niner. Also, Chapter V's coming soon. I plan on doing 20 chapters.
Also, remember to rate, hate and leave advices!
I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation.
Peace out.
I am sorry to say this but after much thinking, i've decided to quit this fic. I may write a KOTOR one in the nearby future but now it's just especulation.
Peace out.
I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc.
I'm disappointed to hear that, but I think you should maybe continue this, but maybe not make it twenty Chapters. Maybe something like ten. If you want, I'll help you with ideas, etc.
i hopefully agree just because sadley kotor i think(no ofence to anyone i hope) has WAY to many fics
Connor, with JA you can't do many things so that's why there are so many KOTORs.
Well, i've decided to take Pottsie's advice and do only 6 more chapters instead of 16.
good point, and also yeh i like this fic
Do whatever you feel like, Jason. It's hard to write if you're not really "feeling" the story, lol.
Chapter V on it's way!
Chapter V
Getting Comfortable
As the Raven’s Claw landed on Dantooine, the students found themselves on the receiving end of familiar faces: their Master Kyle Katarn and his life-companion Jan Ors.
“ Master Kyle, you’re alright!” shouted Kyra in happiness.
Kyle smiled and said:
“Thanks Kyra. Also, just call me Kyle, titles make my…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by Jan.
“Titles make your skin crawl, everybody knows about that Kyle.” Joked Jan.
“But this is no time for jokes.” Said a voice. Everybody looked behind to see the most powerful Jedi there ever was, Master Luke Skywalker. “ There is something serious happening.”
“Well, what is it Master?” asked Rosh.
“There seems to be a war that involves the rebuilt planet of Taris. Unfortunately I don’t know much so you’ll just have to go there and discover. But I do know something: the New Trade Federation is involved.” Said Luke to everyone’s shock. “Kyle, you and Jan take Rosh to Taris and find out more.”
“Alright Luke.” Said Kyle.
“Jaden, you accompany Kyra to the Space Colony and do the same.” Said Luke as Jaden nodded. “Also, there is a New Republic Cruiser waiting to pick you up and drop you on Taris.
They walked to the Hangar and all got inside the New Republic Cruiser and took off as Luke looked at them with a worried look.
***
Meanwhile on a place unknown, Uriel Tim'Sep, leader of the Trade Federation discussed something with his partners.
“You are crazy Uriel. Do you know what this will cause!?” shouted a Neimoidian. Uriel, a Neimodian himself answered.
“Do not worry, I have thought of the repercussions. I just hope it goes all smoothly. In the meanwhile, let’s just focus on the building of “The Silencer” ”said Uriel as he pressed a button and the screen behind showed a incomplete, planet-size like spaceship.
***
As the New Republic Cruiser approached the Taris Spaceport, Kyra’s preoccupation started to become bigger and bigger. Jaden noticed it and started a little talk.
“What’s the matter Kyra?” asked Jaden.
“Ah, it’s nothing.” Lied Kyra.
“Come on, you can tell me.” Said Jaden with a smile on his face.
“Well…it’s just that I only became a Jedi now and I’m already in a battle against a Great Sith Lord.” She said.
“Well, it gets off. When you notice you’re important, it will come off. I also had that feeling when I first joined the Jedi Academy. In the end, I killed a Sith Lord.” He said.
“Thanks for the relief Jaden.” Said Kyra. She got up from her chair and so did Jaden. Their faces got close as their lips locked in a passionate kiss until Kyle came in and broke it up.
“Uh, did I interrupt something?” he asked.
“No, nothing.” Said Kyra as she cleaned her lips with her finger.
“Well, I just wanted to say that we arrived. Luke instructed me to say to you to grab a fighter from the Cruiser and fly to the Space Colony.” Said Kyle
Jaden and Kyra nodded and got out of the Cruiser with Kyle, Jan and Rosh. As they went to grab the fighter, Rosh noticed they were too friendly.
Jaden and Kyra got inside a two-pilot X-Wing and and flew off. As they were almost getting there, they had another little conversation.
“Jaden?” she asked.
“What is it?” he said
“I’m sorry for kissing you.” she said with an embarrassed look on her face.
“I’m not.” He said without looking at her. She got a little confused but then she just co-piloted.
They could see the Space Colony, it was truly big, and they hoped to find out why. As they landed, some of the habitants surrounded the ship. Looks like we’ve got trouble, thought Kyra.
Some of the habitants that looked like guards took out blaster rifles and the captain shouted:
“Come on out with your hands up!”
Jaden got out first while Kyra hid and got out by behind, where no one could see her.
He put his hands up and a guard spoke to him.
“What are you doing here, low-life scum? You don’t belong here!!” he said.
Jaden simply smiled and immediately kicked the guard’s gun, making him shoot himself on the chin, laying dead. He then ignited his lightsaber and so did Kyra that just appeared but then someone hit from behind with a stungun. They then blacked out.
Kyra was the first to wake up. She looked around but what got her the most was a Neiomoidian. Jaden then woke up.
“Who are you?!” she shouted. The Neimoidian smiled.
“I am Uriel Tim’Sep, but you can call me either Milord or Emperor.” He said with a big grin in his face.” I am the leader of the New Trade Federation, and I have a partnership with the Sith…but not for long.” He then laughed.
“But why did you call yourselve Emperor?” Jaden asked. “ I mean, if you actually win this war, he would be the Emperor.”
“That’s where your mistaken young lad. You will see soon. Throw them into the dungeons!” he then shouted as the Super Battle Droids roughly threw Jaden and Kyra into the dungeons.
“Well, might as well get comfortable.”
***
Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. :xp:
Rate, hate advice! Also, credit for the * to divide the "sections" goes to Pottsie. Unless he stole it from someone. :xp:
Damn right it does! :lol: I didn't steal of anyone (not that I know of) and the Chapter was a good one. Liked the romance too.
Thanks. I'll work on the next chapter either now or tomorrow.
Good chapter, I'm glad that you've decided to continue this. Maybe a little time off was a good thing, though.
Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.
Thanks Niner. Seems like no-one cares about the Rate, hate and advice thing.
I know I do. It sounds stupid and every time I saw it, I hated it. It's your choice though.
okay, i just read the first chapter and not the rest, so i don't know if these thing have been brought up, but i'll just give you my views on that. please dont think i'm being too harsh.
your concept is very good and i'd like to see how the plot thinkens or thins, but several grammatical mistakes takes the fun out of reading. i'll deal with a few things according to the order they are apprearing in the chapter.
“I have sensed that energy on Geonosis, and that’s why I’m sending you, Kyle, Jan and Rosh there. You shall go in the
Raven’s Claw. And Jaden, be careful with the darkside.” said Luke.
Jaden nodded, and got out. He went back the garage, and the Falcon was ready. Han told him to get in.C-3PO and R2 were also there.When they were all inside, Han fired up the engines, and they left Yavin. He set a course for Geonosis, and they jumped into Hyperspace.
i distinctly see luke saying "go in the raven's claw", but it says that they were travelling in the Falcon right after that. is Jaden one of the disobedient types?
and Luke's advice is kinda wrongly worded. it should be "Be wary of the darkside" IMO
His face was covered by a hood, and he had a cape. It was Kayn. Suddenly, a Kel Dor with a lightsaber appears.
i'm not sure if you wrote this intentionally or not, but the tense changes totally when you write "appears". i am sure it should be "appeared"
they had arrived in Geonosis
grammar lesson: it is on Geonosis, not "in". In would imply that they went underground directly from orbit ;)
other than these in the first chapter, it was pretty good, just watch out for the occasional full stop and comma, they can help a lot.
as a final note, id like to ask you to add a little more description to battle sequences. they make the fic more enjoyable. and the Empires troops are spelt "Stormtroopers", not "Storm Troopers" ;)
other than this, i'll keep reading and posting feedback. please dont think i'm a partypooper or something (like ChAiNz and Jae are :D) i hope this helps when youre writing future chapters. good luck! :)
1. That was when i decided for Han and Chewie to have some brief appearances on the fic, and i forgot about that.
2. I always get that wrong, lol.
Thanks for the advices, and no, i don't think you're a party pooper. I think you're more like a fic pooper! :xp:
:ah, but i'm a civilised ficpooper :D. besides, i have HK at my side. would you care to repeat that statement, meatbag? :xp:
j/k.
i'll read more and post feedback as i progess through your fic.
It's great Jason! I like it.. lol although switching in bitween fanfics (reading wise...) gets confusing! out of the fanfics ive read so far, this is one of the better, i started to read one without grammer or punctuation or anything, couldnt read it and didn't know what was happening. But yours is good, not Perfect, but it's good if there is room to improve!
Advice leads to hatred which leads people to rate!! lol
Rating: 8/10, could use improvement but still great!
Thanks. Why are you writing in red though? I already thought RH edited something. :D
Expect Chapter 6 tomorrow, i'll be checking it for typos and such, and then "Make it Pretty".
Chapter VI
The Decaying Taris
Rosh, Kyle and Jan got out of the Cruiser. The looked at the once glorious Taris. Luke said it was being rebuilt but to them it looked like there was a disease spreading and people where evacuating. They walked a little until they saw three drunken beggars with guns.
“Your money or your life!” shouted the one standing in the center.
Rosh, looking relaxed, walked up to them.
“Hey friends, no need to point those guns. How about we don’t give us our money, but instead use it for a few drinks?” he said relaxed, waving his hand.
The beggars all looked to each other and nodded but then one of them said:
“No, no more drinks, we’re full!” he said as they ran away.
Kyle walked to Rosh and tapped his shoulder.
“Well done Rosh. And you did it with your cybernetic arm, very good indeed.”
“Ah, it was nothing.” He said. “Although, a compliment’s a compliment.”
“Ya’know kid, you’re better when you’re modest.” Jan joked. They all laughed a little and walked off. Their destination was the Taris Army HQ. While on the road, they saw many once beggars living with always rich people, until someone with a cloak and a hood talked to them.
“You’ve done wrong to come to Taris strangers. You should leave.” The mysterious person said.
“And why should we do that?!” Jan asked.
The mysterious person sighed and then told them a story.
“My name is Rufio. I was once a beggar, like many people here were. Taris was rebuilt and had is beauty restored. Until someone came up with the idea of the poor people living with the rich. As expected, many didn’t like it.”
“Wealthy, rich bastards.” Jan swore.
“I agree young lady. But let me continue. Now as I was saying, most of the people agreed, but the most powerful and rich Tarisian families that practically sustended Taris, left and built the colony. Since then, Taris has been decaying.”
“That’s really sad. That’s why we are here, to prevent Taris from decaying even more. I just have one question.” Kyle said. “What’s the way to the Tarisian Army Headquarters?”
“Hmm, i don’t recall quite well, you should go to Javiar’s Cantina. There’s a blue Twi’lek girl that will surely get you there.” Rufio said. “Her name is Rose.”
***
They then headed to the Lower City parts. When they finally found Javiar’s Cantina, they immediately saw Rose. Rosh talked to her.
“Hello there.” He said.
“Hello to you two. My name’s Rose. I’ve never seen you here, and I pretty much know everyone in Taris so you’re outsiders. So that makes me your welcoming committee.” She said.
“Thanks Rose. We would like to know where is the Army Headquarters.” Rosh said.
“Well, come with me.” She said, holding her blaster. Her shirt covered basically her waist. Rose was relieved they didn’t see it.
***
“Well, this is it. The Taris Army HQ. I’ll go with you. I am in need of a journey.” Rose said.
“Thanks but no thanks Aurora, you’ve done much already and we don’t want you to get hurt.” Said Kyle. “Although, I ain’t gonna stop you.”
Rose smiled as they entered the HQ.
***
Jaden sighed. They took their lightsabers and their hands and legs where tied. He then thought of something. Since the guard was sleeping, he tried to use The Force to get the keys but he had a hard time since his hands where tied. He then uses the key to open the gate. Kyra sneaked on the Tarisian guard and got their lightsabers. They ignited them and carefully cut the ropes that tied them.
Time to get out of here and tell Kyle, Kyra thought.
***
Fortunately, the HQ was in pretty shape. They wandered a bit until they found the Army Leader, General Ulgo.
“Sir General, we want to…” said Kyle as he was interrupted by the alarm. The Colony Droids were invading Taris! They quickly ran outside to see atleast five droid ships. They looked at the sky and realized it was a full scale invasion! Kyle and Rosh ignited their lightsabers and Jan and Rose got their blasters up.
“Okay Rosh, me and Jan take on the 200 hundred on the left, you and Rose take on the 100 on the right.” He said, running to the droids.
***
Many blaster bolts flew to Jaden and Kyra but although it was very difficult, they deflected every single one of them. Kyra jumped, twisted her lightsaber and stabbed it on the ground, creating a shockwave of Force, sending away many blaster-wielders. Jaden took care of the guards with vidroblades. Unfortunately for him, vidroblades had cortosis weaves and so he couldn’t cut them. Three guards came running at him but he grabbed hold of one and Force pushed him into to the building. He jumped just in time to avoid their swings and threw his lightsaber to one, piercing his head. He flipped and grabbed his lightsaber with the force, and stabbed the last one right in the abdomen, leaving him to die. But then showed up the Guard Captain, surprisingly with a double-bladed red lightsaber. Kyra holstered one half of her double-bladed lightsaber and she and Jaden took on him.
They all duelled for many minutes, purple, orange and red sparks flying around, practically illuminating the whole place. They were all very tired and fatigued but the Captain simply appeared to not get tired. Kyra then “fainted”, leaving Jaden to defeat him. They locked up their sabers in a saber duel, using a lot of strength not to lose for it would probably give an opening. The Captain used his raw strength to overpower Jaden, knocking him to the ground. Kyra then ignited the other half of her double-bladed saber and threw it, using the Force to spin it around, and it cut the Captain in half, leaving him dead. They got their strengths through the Force and quickly entered the X-Wing and flew to Taris.
***
Kyle, Jan, Rosh and Rose quickly cut down through many droids possible, this was no easy task, even for Jedi’s and experienced shooters. Suddenly, about three droids knocked down Rosh and surrounded Rose. He screamed her name in fear of her getting killed, but she took of her shirt of the waist, revealing a blue lightsaber, and spun around, cutting down the droids as Rosh looked amazed. He got up and ran to her.
“Rose, you’re a Jedi too! Well why didn’t you say so?” he asked.
She blushed a little and told him why.
“I didn’t want you to know, I only use this in times of peril, and this is one of them.” She said bolting two droids behind Rosh with Force Lightning.
“Thanks!” he said looking back .”Watch out!” he shouted, rolling and stabbing a droid. Kyle and Jan reunited with them as they got surrounded by 10 droids. Suddenly, many blaster bolts flew down on the droids, and they looked behind and saw General Ulgo with some sort of heavy machinegun.
“Now this is a gift to my unrested and old eyes.” Kyle said.
“What, did you expect me to sit down and watch you have all the fun? Let’s kick some droid memory core!” shouted General Ulgo.
Suddenly, Jaden and Kyra appeared in the X-Wing, shooting at the ground, destroying more of Taris but getting rid of the menacing Droids. They got out and all greeted themselves.
“So, what did you found out?” Jan asked. Kyra and Jaden looked down.
“They have the Droid Army to help them. And the creator plans to betray the Sith.” Said Kyra. They all heard a big noise. Everybody looked up and saw a giant ship.
“I recognise this ship. It was in the Clone Wars. It’s…The Torturer .” Said General Ulgo as they all looked in awe. They all got onto the Republic Cruiser, flew to space and discussed the situation with Republic Admiral, Steve Onasi.
“Ladies and gentleman, the final battle is at stage. We need to penetrate that ship, kill the Sith and destroy forever the Trade Federation. We got you three young Jedi this special ancient Jedi Starfighter manufacturing. They are very resourceful, and will no doubt help you get to the Hangar not being seen. The rest is up to you. For Kyle, Jan and Rose, they will go with you since they’re two person fighters. You’re dismissed.” Said the Admiral. They all went to the Hangar, and entered them. Jaden was accompanied by Kyle and they had R2 with them, Kyra by Jan with a R3 unit and Rosh by Rose with an R4 unit. They flew out as Admiral Onasi looked from the bridge.
“May The Force Be With Us.”
Good Chapter. Is Rose, Mission's descendant? Kyle's sarcastic humour is good once again, but Jan will never come to the standard of Kyle's humour.
Hmm, pehraps. I find that idea shallow and pedante. Family Guy quote. :xp: Well, i've thought on that, but i haven't really decided it yet.
Yes she is.
Good old Family Guy... I'm not talking about that now though, only in PMs. Anyway, I'm looking foward to the next Chapter.