Title: Bedtime story Star wars KOTOR version.
Summary: Put a Mandalorian, a assassin droid and a Republic admiral in Revan's son room. And what will you have? A catastrophe !
Pairing: LSM Revan x LS Bastila.
This is the Knight of the old republic version of my mass effect and dragon age fanfiction.
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Coruscant.
A lively planet both at day and at night.
...After there was no more Sith on it, of course.
It was a wonderful evening for those who were living there.
Everyone was getting to bed to join the city of dreams.
Everything was wonderful.
Unless you are at Revan's home.
Unless you are in a particular room with a Republic admiral, a Mandalorian, an assassin droid, and Revan's child.
Besides that, everything was fine... really... fine...
...
"Once upon a time..." started the Republic admiral.
"That's lame Onasi. Can't you be more original? Trust a former republic soldier to come up with something original is like trusting HK-47 with a blaster and stay alive afterward." said Canderous Ordo the Mandalorian.
"Observation: Yes, the Mandalorian meatbag has a good point. Query: Is that the reason why I am the only one who hasn't been properly equipped?" replied and asked HK-47 the assassin droid.
"Shut up." Carth Onasi glared at Canderous and HK-47. "Oh, so you both think you can do better?"
"Of course I can."
"Statement: Obviously."
"Hell no, I'm the one here who will tell him a ****ing sto-"
"Uncle Carth..."
The young son of Revan and Bastila, Anakin Shan (named after his grandfather, Bastila's Father), was waiting for his bedtime story with a certain degree of impatience.
Suddenly Carth just remembered that Bastila would be upset if he or another one cursed around her son or made him cry.
And an upset Bastila mean... Well...A lot of blood with a broken nose, carving trips and lightsaber in the ass.
Oh, it wasn't that he was scared of her or something.
What kind of a man would be afraid of a woman?!
Especialy a woman who can use the force...
...Who has a great temper...
...And who has fallen to the dark side.
That... would be rather... Unpleasant.
In the deep of his mind, he remembered that time on Tatooine when Bastila wanted to leave the poor mercenary in the desert, alone, without water, starve to death just because he, somehow, 'insulted' her.
... Maybe it would be better if he watched his language a bit. At least for tonight while he was with the little brat.
Oh, don't get him wrong, Carth liked Anakin, and not only because he was the son of the hero of the galaxy.
He was really innocent for a 5 years old, he has brown hair like his mother and the silver eyes of his father.
Revan...The man who taught him how to trust again.
Before he could think furthermore, Carth felt a tug on his arm.
"Yeah, yeah, I know my boy I'm sorry, let's start from the beginning."
Anakin nodded and waited for the story.
"How about I start the story this time?" asked Canderous with a small grin on his face.
"You? what could you possibly tell..." replied an annoyed Carth.
"Something better than what your little brain could make. Beside it's my turn."
"Fine...Have it your way...Just don't cry if your story suck..."
Canderous decided to ignore Carth and tell his story.
"Once upon a time..." Canderous began.
"-Cough- Copy cat -cough-..."
"ONASI!" shouted the angry Mandalorian.
"Okay okay, I will keep my mouth shut."
"Statement: More than once would be appreciated." Said HK-47
Canderous glared at the offensive admiral and annoying assassin droid before he continued.
"One day, while my great-grandfather Sherruk-"
"Sherruk? That strong Mandalorian bandit we fought on dantooine?" Asked Carth.
"Query: You killed a strong Mandalorian bandit? Aren't you ashamed of yourself? Couldn't you wait until I was recruited? No, of course not...You would just take all the fun for yourself."
"Well...uhm...If it's any consolation, he did attack us right away so we didn't had much choice." explained Carth
"Statement: Then you are forgiven Onasi-meatbag."
"No, it's another Sherruk...So As I was saying, BEFORE being interrupt... One day, while my great-grandfather Sherruk was taking his annual bath, someone stole his clothes."
Before Canderous could continue his story, he was rudely interrupted ...AGAIN... by two horrified Carth and HK-47.
"An annual bath? That's gross!"
"Horrified query: An annual bath? That is disgusting!"
Canderous twitched. He decided to proceed calmly for the sake of Revan's son.
"I haven't finished yet."
"That is why I am worried." murmured HK-47.
Canderous ignored the annoying droid.
"Well, as he hasn't found the culprit, he avenged himself."
Carth wasn't any better as he said sarcastically, "It's very interesting."
Canderous twitched even more.
"Will you just shut up and let me finish the damn story?"
"Just hurry up with it." said Carth.
Canderous ignored the offensive admiral and continue his story.
"He has dug into the stockroom and he made underpants of iron !"
Silence...
"Statement: Your joke is as empty as the void between your ears...'" said HK-47.
Canderous lost count of how many times he twitched.
Before he could strangle the assassin droid, Carth said :
"Never mind... So these... underpants… what about them?"
Carth put one hand on his face. I can't believe I said that.
"Well, finally they gave him the name 'Sherruk Bright-Ass!' Hehehe hehehehe hahaha...hem 'cough' "
Silence...
More silence...
Worse than silence...
Carth had to ask, even if it endangered his life doing so.
"Is... this... Mandalorian humor?"
Canderous, rather proud of his story, said, "Oh yeah it's a famous Mandalorian story !"
Carth gathered all his courage and diplomacy to try the impossible: Not Angering Canderous by saying that his story was... not funny.
Miracle tried.
"Honestly... it's...really... What we mean to say...is..."
"Statement: This was the worst story I ever heard, even droids know better ones." HK-47 declared.
Miracle failed.
"Thanks a lot HK."
"Answer: My pleasure, I always try to help." HK-47 beamed.
Canderous was very angry. No, angry was a word too small to describe his wrath.
"What the hell do you mean 'worst story' ? You son of a-"
"Shut up!" Carth yelled. "You're scaring Anakin."
The three of them looked at young lad, who was on the verge of tears.
This wasn't good, if Anakin was upset and Bastila knew about it...
It would mean only one thing.
The gallows!
Of course, not before being tortured slowly with her lightsaber and force lightning.
If young Anakin Shan's vision wasn't blurry because of his tears, he would have seen Carth shaking, white face and murmuring something like, "We are dead, we are so dead...'
"No, no, no, please don't cry Anakin! Whatever you do, don't cry." pleaded a panicking Carth.
"Ha ! I didn't know that You were so scared of a Jedi whore and-" Before Canderous could continue, Carth put quickly his hand over Canderous's mouth.
Unfortunately, it was too late! The question had to be asked.
"Uncle Canderous... What's a whore?"
Carth had only one thought.
****!
They had to think quickly of a way to answer the question without upsetting Anakin nor breaking his innocence yet. And hope that Bastila wouldn't hear any of it.
Canderous was the first to speak.
"What I mean to say is... Well... your uncle Carth was raised because of the fear of the WAR."
Carth continued the little lie.
"Yeah that right! Like your father - he became the hero of the galaxy because of the war against the true Sith Lords."
"And he has grown mature because of it." said Canderous.
HK was being a bit confused "Query: What are you talking about? It mean-..."
"Shut up !" Said Carth in a slow treating voice.
Anakin looked at his three "uncles," a bit confused.
"So... Daddy became a man... because of a whore?"
"YES ! Clever boy." Carth grinned, patting the head of the young boy.
And his worst mistake would have been to think that he said "war" instead of "whore."
Anakin giggled and smiled.
"I-I want to be a man too,.. Like Daddy and Uncle Carth and Canderous !"
"Cute!" Carth beamed.
"Carth? A man?" mocked Canderous.
"False Confusion: But...I thought he was female? Mockery: I have to say, every meatbags are very alike."
Carth ignored them. "Hey, how about we all go to Alderaan, to the beach tomorrow with Revan and show Anakin how to be a man?"
"Observation: An excellent proposition coming from a meatbag. I will show him how to-"
"No way! I will teach him how to use a blaster rifles. You can't be a man if you can't use a blaster rifles!"
"I will show him how to use double blasters !"
They continued on and on about who would teach what to Anakin.
However, they weren't aware about another mistake they had made.
Anakin was looking at his three uncles and muttered to himself.
"... B-Bitch?"
...
"BITCH !" He giggled.
The three looked at him, and the three of them were horrified.
No...
****ing...
Way...
This time, Bastila was pleased with her guests. They didn't do anything to upset her son (she heard him giggling), they didn't do anything that could break the Apartment – like last time...
After the last incident in her home, she had warned them that if any of them showed up again, she would not hesitate to obliterate their offending presence with her double bladed yellow lightsaber.
But they liked Anakin very much and he liked them too. So she forgave them... for now.
The three uncles were about to leave, when a small sleepy voice came from behind them.
"Mommy..."
Immediately Anakin was in his mother's arms. He giggled when she muttered soft, sweet things in his ears.
"Aww..." said Carth.
"Touching." said Canderous.
"Explanation: It's a trap to lure to what the Jedi call 'the dark side'." said HK-47.
Bastila didn't seems to have heard any of the three comment...or maybe she was ignoring them.
"What is it, love? Why aren't you sleeping? It's past midnight."
Anakin looked up at his mother and grinned.
"You know Mommy..."
Carth was getting nervous. "Maybe... we should... go...away."
"As a meatbag would say: I have a bad feeling about this too." agreed HK-47.
"Let's get out of here!" said Canderous.
But before they could get to the door...
"Uncle Canderous, Carth and HK said that Daddy grew into a man because of whores and they will bring me to a bitch tomorrow on Alderaan to make me a man too. Isn't it great?" beamed the young boy.
Silence.
More silence.
Worse than silence.
...Okay now this is getting ridiculous.
Bastila didn't say anything.
Maybe there was still hope in living after all.
So they thought... Until they saw her eyes.
Those eyes said only one thing: MURDER!...But not any murder...BASTILA MURDER!
...
It is said that their bodies were never found and that they were defeated by something worse than any Sith Lord and the dark side... An angry housewife Jedi.
Their screams would haunt the planet Coruscant forever.
...
"Dare I ask what happened here?" asked a rather confused Revan upon discovering a crying Carth, a deactivated and in piece HK-47, and a beaten Canderous outside his apartment.
"No... You don't..." replied Carth and Canderous.
END.
Party time story : the sequel of bedtime story.
No word in any form of dictionary published on a datapad could described how infuriately pissed-off Bastila Shan was.
First of all, she happened to have the world's most annoying companions, self-proclaimed 'best friends' who incidentally happens to be a band of shameless cheeky persons,
who were also uncles and aunts of her child and also happens to be the number ones source of her irritation at this very moment.
She just wanted a nice evening with her husband...Alone!
And to cut the long story short...
Within twenty-four hours.
All of her and her husband's companions from the war againt Darth Malak.
Saviors of the galaxy.
Organized a party.
In their home.
Without Their permission.
-Later-
Someone was at the front door.
She didn't want to open it but since Revan insisted...
After opening the door.
"..." Glare.
"..."Glare.
"Jedi..."
"Mandalorian..."
Door shut violently.
"Who was that?" Asked her husband, who was wondering why his wife was locking the front door.
"Nobody..."
"Bastila! Open the door! NOW!"
"...Doesn't that sound like Canderous?"
-Later-
Someone was at the front door...AGAIN...
She didn't want to open it but since Revan insisted that it could be someone important...
After opening the door.
"..." Glare with promises that your death will be slow and painful.
"..." An expressionless face (Which is normal for a droid).
"Salutation: Hello mrs Bastila meatba-..."
Door shut violently.
"Who was it now?" Asked her husband, who was wondering why his wife was still locking the front door and this time preparing her double yellow light saber.
"The postman..."
"At night?"
"Observation: Hmm a grenade should do fine against this type of door...I just bought a grenade launcher yesterday. Query: Now, what type should I use...Oh I know! how about a fire grenade! It does more damage on the-"
"...I think HK-47 is here, dear." indicated Revan to his wife, who was cursing in the corner.
-Later-
"Hey! What is he doing here?!" Demand Carth (who just arrived) while pointing Canderous.
"I got the chance to get a bit more out from Dxun." Replied Canderous.
"You were here last week," Carth muttered darkly.
"Having a base in a jungle is a bit too expensive."
"So?"
"I thought I could stay a while here, to see my only worthwhile friend. How are you Revan?" asked Canderous Ordo with a rare smile when he saw Revan.
"I am fine, thank you for coming Canderous, You know you are always welcome here."
Carth and Bastila lost count of how many times he and she twitched.
"If the Base on Dxun is that expensive, you could go make a new place for the Mandalorians on Malachor V. The Sith provides succor and safe harbor to all who seek it..."
"Surely you jest." Freak…
"No I don't." Bastard…
"Beside the exile destroyed Malachor V." Said Canderous.
"So?" Asked Carth.
"I can't make a base in 'empty space' We would die."Moron...
"That is the point." Idiot...
Both men glared madly at each other until they were mere inches away from one another.
"Revan, I'll go get some drinks for our visitors." Bastila suggested. And some poison…
If Bastila would have turn around to look at Revan, she would have saw the look on his face that said : "Don't leave me alone with THEM!"
Revan sigh deeply and looked back to the new Mandalore and the admiral...Who were glaring at each other...AGAIN.
And HK was...Well...Still HK. Always encouraging fights.
"Query: Do I still got to shoot the winner?"
A short while later:
"That's the third glass you break tonight." Mission observed.
"I can always buy a new one," Bastila didn't look at her.
She was still looking at her husband who was talking with Juhani.
Yes...A jealous Jedi housewife isn't pretty to see.
"I know you can, Bastila, but there aren't that many crystal-smiths on Coruscant. Especially that type of crystal."
"I can afford them."
"But those belonged to your mother. She gave them to you as wedding gifts."
"By the Force!"
-elsewhere-
"Bastila will be mightily upset when he finds out you broke her glass, Carth." said Jolee Bindo.
"She can afford it."
"I know, but there aren't that many crystal glass makers in Coruscant. Especially that type of crystale"
"That's a good idea, old man." Carth was reaching for another glass and crushed it.
"And did you know that belonged to Bastila's mother? She gave them to her as wedding gifts."
" I am fuc***."
"Yes, you are."
"Beep deep beep!"
T3-M4 approve +100.
A while later, Singing contest :
Young Anakin Shan looked just like a little prince in his cloth, he sat next to his uncle Carth and Zaalbar and clap to the tune of his 'drunk' auntie Mission singing.
Although Mission might be a professional hacker, singing was most absolutely not her forte. Especially the choice of the song.
Zaalbar couldn't help but grimacing at every word coming out from his friend's mouth. Plus, He had to cover Anakin's ears at some distasteful words Mission screeched out. Things that a such young boy must NOT listen...At least not for now.
Next to Zaalbar was the ever-stoic looking Canderous, dressed remarkably plain and simple, nothing too flashy and gaudy that Canderous would rather be caught dead than alive wearing something that would even outshine Carth and Mission put together.
Staring ominously at his Mandalorian friend, Carth snorted disdainfully. Trust that skunk-died-in-his-ass Canderous with his sense of Mandalorian creativity. And Carth isn't going to ponder any further. Not worth his dignified time. But he did wonder...
What is that pole-up-in-the-ass Canderous going to sing?
Then, like being hit by the force lightening, Carth came up with a brilliant idea. I'm so intelligent that I make myself sick. Carth giggled to himself. Rather loudly.
-Back to HK-47 and Anakin-
"Is uncle Carth alright?" Asked a worried young Anakin Shan.
"Observation: No, he is not." Answer the droid assassin.
"Oh...is he sick?"
"Yes. In the head."
Finally the drunk Mission was over with her...questionable songs that would even made Darth Nihilus nosebleed...If he had a nose.
It's at this moment that Carth announced the next singer.
"And now, It's time for the little hero of the party to sing : Anakin Shan!"
Everyone was clapping their hands, encouraging Anakin to go sing something, while knowing full well his shyness.
"Go ahead, boy, choose your partner for the song."
And 'not so subtly' Carth whispered something in Anakin's ears.
His eyes widen and had a big grin on his face. And pointed with his finger the one he wanted as his partner for the song.
As you can imagine, everyone's reaction was the same...basically (You'll have an imaginary cookie if you can guess who is who) :
"By the force!"
"Oh dear!"
(Whining in wookie's language.)
"Statement: As meatbag would say, I have a bad feeling about this."
"Beeeep deep doooooooooooom." (Depressive tone in droid language)
"hehehehe 'hic' ...Sexy!"
"You make it sound worse!"
"Can't we all just get along? ...No?"
A little while later :
Canderous glared at everybody. Challenging anybody who would dare to laugh, or even dare to crack a smile. But so far so good, it doesn't seem that luck is on his side either.
Suddenly he felt a tug on his arm.
Looking down only to see Anakin.
Sighing deeply and cursing the idiot,-cough-The republic admiral-cough-, who decided to make a singing party, Canderous accepted anyway, he didn't want to upset the adorable young Anakin.
Anakin grinned at him and spoke softly, "W-will uncle Canderous sing too?"
Resistance is pointless.
No matter how cold and strong you are.
You. Can't. Resist. The. Cuteness.
" 'sigh'...Yes..."
Anakin was looking into the list of songs until the evil demon of the cursed hell, right now the worst enemy of Canderous said : "Anakin, my boy, How about this song?"
"This one?" asked the young boy.
"Yeah, this one." The demon pointed out a song.
Canderous peered from the top of Anakin's little head and stiffen and cursed in Mandalorian language. Of all the accursed songs...No way in hell !
Canderous whirled around towards the previous soldier. Killer intent brimming Canderous and everybody present could feel the spiking animosity except for Anakin.
Carth Onasi must die…Carth Onasi must die…Carth Onasi must die… Canderous chanted in his mind. Murderous look glaring obscenely at Carth.
Until...
Everyone was shocked, they thought that Canderous would kill Carth with his bare hands but instead he was grinning like mad.
Which was really scary to see by the way.
Then he turned down to be face to face with young Anakin Shan and said.
"I accept to sing but to one condition."
Carth smirk suddenly disappeared.
"What...?" asked Anakin.
Canderous faced Carth and said.
"He got to sing with us."
...
"WHAT!"
If I got to go in hell then you go down with me!
Continue.
Author's note: I don't know what kind of song I should make them sing...
Does someone knows any horrible songs?