Raz is back, and he's vacationing at Whispering Rock! Follow Raz and company's hijinks and misadventures at our favorite camp as they battle rabid Fangirls, and Mary Sues and Vernon's lame plot-twists. From busrides from hell to lake excursions of death, you can expect romance, insanity, explosions and squirrels!
Summer of Psychics
Author’s Note/Disclaimer: I don’t own Psychonauts, though I’d like to. I don’t own anything I spoof or Easter egg either.
Raz: no progressive plot?
Me: yup
Raz: is that a yes or no?
Me: ...lets just go with no plot . . .
Raz: do I still get to burn stuff?
Me: sure. . . fire is pretty!
Chapter One: A Memorable BusRide From Hell
It was a balmy summer day. The kind of day where the birds twitter, the squirrels chatter, clouds are absent, and gentle breezes caress the tired and weary. It was a perfect day to go back to it all-- Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp. And rumbling down a worn, dirt road was a small, yellow bus, clouds of dust billowing behind as the bus trudged forth.
But while the landscape was serene, inside the bus was chaos. Paper airplanes and crumbs of who-knows-what littered the ground and shouts and laughter were far too numerous. The kids in question were none other than our favorite bunch of psychics.
Near the front were ever-cheerful Crystal and Clem, who were busy trying to cheer some joy into the bus driver (who was bty, a Goth). Quite ironic actually, as the two had (pitifully) attempted to commit suicide last summer. And apparently, their springs hadn’t done ‘em much good either. Crystal and Clem both wore their scars as reminders of other failed attempts at death. Some bandages here, a chipped tooth there...you get the picture,
Behind them were Dogan who had been unfortunately paired with...Vernon. The result was nothing short of torture for the poor, squirrel-fearing kid. How he wished his aluminum foil hat would let him make Vernon’s head explode...
“Don’t worry Dogan, we’ll be at camp soon” Said Lili reassuringly from behind him. Lili sat by herself, saving the seat next to hers for Raz. She stared out of the window, looking emotionless, but she was in reality, on pins and needles.
The bus began to slow down and came to a jerky stop. All the kids looked out the windows (Lili especially) and pressed their faces to the panes. They had stopped in front of a carnival. Sounds of happy music drifted through the air. Smells of roadkill disguised as hotdogs reached the noses of the (now) hungry kids, their mouths watering in anticipation.
Colorful tents in all shades of red, yellow and blue were propped up in little rows, looking vibrant against the sky. At the back was the red and gold big top. Partially hidden by tents were the circus animals, including a tiger, two elephants and the hairless bear Maloof had been searching for for years. It was a very colorful spectacle. Aside from the vivid tents and animals, the people here were very interesting, A trio of sword-eaters, a strong-man (Hardly taller than Oleander) and a juggler waved hello to the kids in the bus and began to entertain them. Lili didn’t care, she looked past them and searched for Raz.
Raz had awoken a little earlier, all prepped for his vacation. Yep, that’s all this was for. Raz no longer needed to go to Whispering Rock as he was a Psychonaut. Last summer had been busy, rescuing Lili, Milla, Sasha and later, Truman Zannotto and all (‘nother story for ‘nother time) and then he had the circus and home-schooling to go back to after that. But now, he was on vacation. And he would spend it at his favorite place—Whispering Rock Psychic Summer Camp.
“Are you ready, Rasputin? The bus is here!” Yelled his dad from outside. Raz finished dressing (wearing the same thing as his last adventure, except that his turtle-neck was white this time round).
“Coming, dad!”, Raz shouted. He adjust his goggles and rushed outside his tent, overstuffed backpack in tow. He ran towards the expectant bus and waved goodbye to his dad, a large grin on his face.
He clambered onto the bus to the hello’s of his fellow campmates. A feeling of joy swept over him as he entered the bus. He walked down the aisle as the bus trudged forth once more, greeting the others.
“Three cheers for Raz!” Clem and Crystal cheered.
“Three cheers for you too?” Raz greeted with worry as he looked upon their various bandages.
“Hey, Raz. I think the squirrels have forgiven me” Dogan Boole smiled.
“That’s great, maybe you can all get along and be friends now” Raz replied.
“Nah, I don’t think so. I blew so many of them up, and they’re so angry, I have to be their servant for the next two months to completely make up for it. But otherwise, they’ve forgiven and forgotten.” Dogan said as he held up a laminated contract, his signature writ in spidery handwriting, paired with little pawprints next to it.
“...Oh, I see” was all Raz could say.
“I’ve finished chronicling your adventure at the asylum, Raz” said a sleepy Vernon.
Raz shrugged “...That’s...great.”
“Nice to see you back” came from a cool, calm and collected Lili who peeked over Dogan and Vernon’s seat, waving a little hello, faint traces of a smile on her face.
“Lili!”
Raz took his seat next to . . .(dun-dun-DUN!) His girlfriend. He blushed sheepishly as he edged in closer to her and set his backpack down.
“It’s been a while since we’ve been able to see each other” Lili said in a nonchalant voice.
“Yeah, tell me about it. But I’m on vacation now, so we can hang out together as much as we want”
“I’m surprised you didn’t use all the money you got paid to go to Tahiti or something”
“Tahiti? No thanks, I’ll choose Whispering Rock over some smelly island any day”
“That’s sure sweet of you to say, but what will you do here? You have passed all the courses, found all the scavenger hunt items and earned every merit badge”
“So have you, besides, I’ll figure something out”
Vernon peered over his seat, “Miss_Mayhem saysto expect squirrels, explosions and insanity”
“Who’s Miss_Mayhem?"Lili and Raz asked in unison.
“You will never ask that question again if you don’t want your heads to explode from the sheer complexity of the twisting of your reality matrix. Forget it ever happened” Vernon replied gruffly.
“That what happened?” asked Raz.
“Exactly” and with that, Vernon seated himself.
“Ugh, just ignore Vernon, he’s letting all the fame get to his head” Phoebe said from the seat across.
“What fame?” Raz asked.
“He became some sort of author superstar after publishing five best-selling books or something. The critics love him, he has a fanclub and his autobiography is being turned into movie directed by the collaborative efforts of Steven Spielberg and Quentin Terantino. Bruce Willis will be starring as him or something”
“Why don’t I have a fanclub or an autobiography/movie being directed by the collaborative efforts of Steven Spielberg and Quentin Terantino starring Bruce Willis?” Raz asked wistfully.
“Come off it, you’ve been featured in True Psychic Tales monthly comic and have legions of fangirls and fansites.” Lili answered.
Frankesquealed, clutching ‘A Lifetime of Stories: A True-to-Life Account of Excitement and Adventure’ which featured a highly muscular Vernon posing as ‘The Thinker’ within a fancy frame on the cover.
“He is a poet! A Thespian! The Shakespeare of our age! His brilliant writing eclipses that of even J.K Rowling...and she is the epitome of awesome! To think he went through so much. His filthy-rich parent’s murdered after being mugged in a dark alley, and he was there to see it! Then left alone in a forest to be raised by wolves! Why, he even had tea with Dracula and discovered ancient Mayan cities and broke the curses upon them!”
Frankereceived blank stares.
“Um...that’s what I would say if I was a Vernon fangirl...”
Frankereceived “oh’s”.
Now let’s get back to Clem and Crystal. Yep, still pestering the busdriver. And yep, the busdriver was a Goth. She had pale, pale skin, and hair that fell into her eyes so often that she had to flip her hair back like that other little Goth kid in South Park.
“Ra-Ra.-Ra.!
Dont get down,
Take that frown,
Then just flip it upside down!” (I know, how corny)
Miss Gothic Busdriver was mustering with all her might to stay emotionless. Afterall, emotions are pointless and get you nowhere. Getting mad would be a waste of precious . . . . .ya know, I’m not so sure what it would be a precious waste of . . .
“Ra-Ra-Ra,
Think of rainbows,
Think of sunshine,
Stop complaining,
There’s no need to whine!” (I KNOW, how corny!)
When Miss Gothic Busdriver didn’t stop being so depressed and didn’t start singing and cheering along with them in bubblegum -pink peasant skirts, they gave up (GASP!). And Crystal began to cry.
“No, no, Shh, shh, don’t cry Crystal. Maybe the world doesn’t need cheering right now...” Clem offered. This only made Crystal feel worse and bawl louder and people were starting to look. Clem could feel budding embarrassment creeping up his cheeks, daring to turn into a full-fledged blush.
“I’m useless! I’m a failure! A pimple on the face of humanity! I don’t deserve to live. Die! Die! I have to die! It’s just...the poison never works! And the bug-venom, nada! I’m like a roach. No matter how many times you stomp on it, or what you try to use to kill it, I/it always comes back. Like the Mummy—but far cuter!”
Then, Crystal made yet another attempt of ridding the world of it’s pimple by diving out of the window seat to fall to her death (as the bus was driving down a steep mountainside).
Boom!
And yet again, she failed. She had forgotten to roll the window down. And thus, she ended up crashing into the window when she tried to dive out. Her limp body twitched. Clem poked her. Twitch. He poked her again. Shrugging, he touched her wrist. There was a pulse. Shrugging again, he gave up for the second time that day and worked on coming up with new cheers and chants.
Vernon looked back to Raz and Lili, “See, Miss Trippy was right! Well, sorta...that was pretty darn close to an explosion. Well, back to my story, sorry for keeping you waiting Dogan. But that was close to an explosion”
Boom!
Vernon’s autobiography (thatFranke was making out on) exploded.Franke screamed (out of surprise and in rage of her beloved book exploding), her face covered in ash.
Dogan looked mildly relieved and patted his little tinfoil hat, “That felt good”
Vernon beamed, “See? She was right, there was an explos–ow!
Vernon patted his cheek, which Dogan had heftily slapped.
Lili’s eye twitched, “I can’t believe by how we are surrounded by so many losers!”
“Hey, I’m no loser, but we can be surrounded by losers together, um, I mean...” Raz said.
Lili dismissed it. Raz’s remark had come out wrong, and was kinda cheesy, but it was sweet nonetheless. She tried to contain her emotions just like Miss Gothic Busdriver, trying to prevent herself from blushing as she and Raz edged in closer to each other. All in all, it had been a pretty memorable busride . . .
TBC
Author’s notes: Wow, this was long. Well, the pc started to go bonkers on me (ya know when you insert a letter and it deletes the letter next to it? yeah, that happened, thats why theres some spacing issues.) It's meh now, but I promise that it gets better (my personal faves are chappies 4-6 and chappy 8).
OMGS! i already told you I <3 this story. Can't wait for you to post Attack of the Fangirls chapter.
HOMYGOD IT'S ME YOUR STALKER/THE AWESOMEST SUMMER WRITIST
...HI.
Edit: You are Miss Trippy, right?
Or you're the RD forums' first art thief and I get to beat your ass with a club. :D
She's MissTrippy, yeah. She commented on my Queen/Psychonauts fic. Cheez, I went sneaky, got a yahoo e-mail account, and now I have a fanfiction.net account and 4 stories up. I'm Darth Avery, and I commented on your Awesomest Day ever story because I'm a fangirl of that story.
Hehe. I love both of those stories. Espechially (i think I spelt that wrong) the attack of the fangirls chappie. That... Was the best. I was probably one of them...
She's MissTrippy, yeah. She commented on my Queen/Psychonauts fic. Cheez, I went sneaky, got a yahoo e-mail account, and now I have a fanfiction.net account and 4 stories up. I'm Darth Avery, and I commented on your Awesomest Day ever story because I'm a fangirl of that story.
Then why does this person change the name from Miss Trippy to Miss_Mayhem?
Maybe Miss_Mayhem was taken? Let's ask her to find out!
When i first signed up on fanfiction.net, someone already had miss_mayhem (though I think she's 'retired' now) so i went with Miss Trippy becuz Trippy's my favorite word. And here, I just went with Miss_Mayhem cuz I like the name. I'm gonna update with a chapter a day. Alot of people liked the 'Attack of the Fangirls and Ms. Mary Sue', so Ima start working on a 3shot just about a Mary Sue and her evil perfection and ...yeah, ya get the picture.
Oh, cheez should get it now. Just no having anyone break out into song. That's my thing.
Aw snap, everyone breaking into song woulda been cool!
I GIVE YOU PERMISSION THEN! Just no queen, that's also my thing. (Also no broadway musicals, Michael Buble, blue oyster cult, and christina agulara.)
Yay, chappy 2! Sweet...breaking out into song ...Vernon singing (gah, that'd be horrible!). There's a Vocabulor reference in there, but when i wrote this, i thought it belonged to KarAniyuki (and just to make Vernon mad 'LOL, vote five, karAniyuki is cool').
A Summer of Psychics Ch. 2
Beware the pre-story rants . . .
Ch.1 Spoofs: Some of you may have noticed that an entire passage in ch.1 was a spoof from another one of my fics. Which passage? The one where Vernon was telling Raz and Lili about the twisting of their reality matrixes! When Franke (not Kitty, thanks KarAniyuki) gushed over Vernon’s parent’s mugging, that was all Batman.
Disclaimer: I only own Psychonauts in a dream...in reality, it and it’s characters belong to Double-Fine. I will spoof/Easter-egg anything and everything, so anything that is mentioned or spoofed is still property of it’s/their respective owner(s). All original characters belong to me and can only be used with my permission.
Raz: Last chapter didn’t even focus exclusively on me!
Me: Selfish Drama Queen!
Raz: You know I’m right! And c’mon, that little bit of fluff won’t be nearly enough to satisfy the readers!
Me: I’m working on it, geez . . . wait . . . you just want me to make sure that you get all comfy with Lili this summer, right? Eh?
Raz: . . . No comment.
Chapter 2: Return to Whispering Rock
The bus continued up the mountany passages, and one couldn’t help but think that Miss Gothic Busdriver never got her licence as she looked frazzled the entire trip. Eventually, the bus began to slow down (this memorable busride can not last forever) and Miss Gothic Busdriver talked over the intercom with a soft and bored voice,
“Kay, we’re nearing Whispering Rock, so get ready. You may notice some changes to the camp and yadda yadda . . . . SHUT UP!”
The kids instantly silenced as they passed a final little curve and saw Whispering Rock. Raz was probably the most excited to be back though the faces on the other campers weren’t as eager. Lili gazed at the camp (whose parking doors were being opened) with a look of that read ‘I-don’t-care-anymore’. The bus came to a jerky stop before being sloppily parked (nearly crashing into Milla’s car). Miss Gothic Busdriver spoke over the intercom once more,
“The camp counselors will be waiting for you in the campfire area. So head straight there and yadda-yadda, blah . . . blah”She opened the doors and the horde of excited kids swarmed out. Raz and Lili took their time, there was no need to rush. As they exited the bus, Miss Gothic Busdriver stopped them.
She was a tall, lithe girl with very pale (almost white) skin who seemed to be about 14. That can explain why she was no good at driving . . . Her hair was black (streaked with dark-pink) and fell to her shoulders. Her face was heart-shaped with wide, almond-shaped eyes zealously done up with black eyeshadow. She wore black Vans and crew-cut sox (everything is more Xtreme when spelled with an X) and a pleated, grey skirt. A black, elbow length, WR shirt was tossed on.
“Ford Cruller has asked me to tell you about the alternate class schedules you are to have”
“Alternate schedules?” the two asked in that creepy ‘simultaneous’ way.
“Busywork, plain and simple. One of you is a full-blown Psychonaut and the other has passed every course there is to have at the camp. You are just dead weight to the camp and will have to compensate by helping around. It is something most Psychonauts in training must do any way. That why I’m here . . .full-month of volunteer work so I can have it out of the way when I’m 18.”
Wasn’t he on vacation? “Hey, aren’t I on vacation?” Raz asked.
“Yes, but it’s not too bad. Most of the time you’ll just help the other kids around while they’re in class and some occasional errands. There’s always the chance you get to go into town too.”
For once, Lili looked a bit excited (who knows why, it’s either the power she can get or she’s just weird) about coming to camp (while Raz sulked), “Are there any perks?”
Miss Gothic Busdriver brightened a little, “You can boss some of the other kids around, and you get 1st dibs at the lunch-line too. You can stay up later, and enter the Adult’s sleeping area. Haven’t you ever wondered where they crashed?” I have. Where do Sasha, Milla and Oleander sleep?). She reached into a pocket in her skirt and unfolded two sheets of paper which she handed to Raz and Lili,
“These aren’t fixed schedules, you have the option of picking which classes you want to take and when. Before the first day of that class, report to the instructor so they can tell you how you can help them around in that class. Just so ya know, there are a few classes that you are required to take and they must be your first classes too. I will update you on any new info when it comes up. But for now . . . just make sure those other kids don’t do anything stupid as they go to the campfire area”
Raz and Lili held shoved their schedules into their already crammed backpacks and chased after their friends. The entire congregation of kids moved as a single ‘blob’ slowly dividing into smaller groups. Raz and Lili were red-faced and panting by the time they reached Elton Fir and his (oddly) visible friend Milka. Elton looked a little taller and ganglier, also having discarded his long-sleeve sweater for an identical shirt with shorter sleeves. Milka looked a little taller too, and wore a navy-blue dress that was three-fourths of a way down to touching her knees with a white collar and cut-off sleeves.
“Hey Raz ‘n Lili. What took you? Did the busdriver get you in trouble?” a slightly concerned Elton asked. Raz and Lili shook their heads (simultaneously I might add).
“No, apparently we don’t do anything for the school so we have to help around. But there are all sorts of perks too. It can’t be too bad” Lili answered. Raz didn’t look as happy. He had glanced at the sheet and realized that he would have to take psychology with Sasha Nein . . . he would surely find a way to make this excruciatingly boring than it could possibly be already . . .
“Isn’t she Sasha Nein’s niece?” A blushing Milka asked
Raz answered her with something that wasn’t much of an answer but more of an unnecessary rant, “That could explain why she’s working here, and why she’s so darn creepy . . .”
“She didn’t seem so creepy to me” Lili shrugged. But then again, didn’t Lili scare the other kids too?
Elton began to chuckle, “Before we picked you up, the original busdriver got sick and forced that girl to drive the last leg of the trip, after picking you up. It was funny, she didn’t know how to start the darn thing and Milka had to help her drive until MGB got the swing of things. Apparently Milka spends the week before she’s sent to Whispering Rock with some cousins at a trucker’s stop near Disneyland and she learned how to drive”. (don’t say this can’t happen cuz I have some 13 year-old cousins who can actually drive!)
“Whoa . . .” Milka stuttered as she pointed to the Main-cabin the blob of kids had now reached, pointing her finger.
“Who says ‘whoa’ anymore?” Raz asked. He was responded with Lili and Elton ‘whoaing’. But there was a somewhat reasonable reason for all this stupid ‘whoaing’. The main-cabin was now sporting a super-sexy second story. (Whoa, that was a lot of S’s. I counted five, it would be a great tongue twister. And FYI Raz, I say whoa too).
“Hello darlings!” none other than Milla Vodello, the Mental Minx. Clad in her usual bright garb, she greeted our blob of kids.
“My, my how I’ve missed you all! The government just had to give the camp all this funding after we rescued Truman Zanotto. It is simply wonderful! But we mustn’t dawdle, C’mon darling’s, to the campfire area.” though all were reluctant, they ended up following the smiling Milla.
The short walk led our blob to the sun-lit campfire area where Oleander awaited in his little podium befitting his little stature. Milla herded the children to take their seats either on the logs, on that luggage that looked like mental baggage, or on their backpacks. Naturally, after the events from the year prior, the kids weren’t so quick to trust Oleander and were thus, chatty.
Coach Oleander cleared his voice, “Hmmph”
The kids didn’t stop talking.
“HMMPH”
No one cared.
“HA-HMMPH!”
The kids began to quiet down, unsure as to what Oleander wanted. Then some kid (probably Quentin) whispered, I think he wants us to listen” (“Ohhh”)
“I’d like to welcome you all back to another wonderful, educational year at Whispering Rock. First of all, I’d like to assure you all that I do not intend to steal your brains this summer, or any other summer. The only dangerous things here are Pyrokinetic cougars, Telekinetic bears, drowning on the lake, Ninja squirrels, (at hearing this, Dogan turned pale and sweated, fussing about his seat, telling the others he had no part in it) Death from falling from some high area trying to get a challenge marker having forgotten how to utilize your thought-bubble for levitation, entering Agent Nein’s lab, food-poisoning after eating one of Chef Cruller’s delicious burgers, being set aflame by your fellow peers, being tossed of the mountains by your fellow peers, being psi-blasted by your fellow peers, being caught in a Half-deadly Nelson by Mikhail, Bobby Zilch . . . other than that, Whispering Rock is safe. ” The kids seemed down-right impressed at learning of the few dangers that weren’t Oleander that could possibly plague them.
Vernon was the only one not impressed, “My GOSH! That was one heck of a run-on sentence! Where is Vocabulor mysteriously disappearing into the night when you need him?”
Oleander began again, “As last summer, Milla Vodello and Sasha Nein will be part of the staff, along with his niece Carla who is volunteering”-he flourished his arm to Milla and Sasha (who had walked in late)-“And you will receive your camp schedules in two days. Since today’s a Friday, you will be able to spend today and the next two days doing whatever you kids like to do for fun as us adults smooth out any wrinkles in the schedules and what-not. We will still expect you to be in bed by 9 pm and begin waking up on mon. by 7am so you can prep for the day and go to class at 8. You can ask for personalized wake-up calls for the price of an arrowhead a week . . .” from this point he began to talk about other camp stuff that would be too mind-numbingly boring, time-consuming and pointless to type.
The kids were beginning to get bored and restless, and Oleander began once more before I type him shutting up, “You may notice that Whispering Rock has undergone some changes. The main cabin is bigger now, and Chef Cruller finally has his dream kitchen so he can continue making burgers, and then there is THE SECOND-STORY (saying it in a deep voice with dramatic music as our little camera pans beneath his face)”- he turned of the little flashlight he had used to illuminate his face-“THE SECOND-STORY is where the offices will be located, there will be another set of bathrooms, and a computer room. The fact that me, Sasha and Milla are miles away from our precious, overpriced hair-products is reason enough to get these computers. Viva internet shopping! Be on your way, You’re all dismissed!” he waved his arms out, before checking his watch and realizing that he was 7 minutes late for his soap, It Never Ends.
The kids scattered about (most heading for the main-cabin). Raz and Lili slowly got up and headed towards the kid’s cabins area so they could be quick to claim their bunk while everyone was busy oogling the refurbished main-cabin. Elton and Milka began to follow along with them.
The main-cabin did look enticing, but it could be done later. The four walked towards their kabins (Kuz everything is more eKstreme when spelled with a K) and chatted over their time away from kamp. They reached the cabins and grinned. The cabins were bigger and the dirty, smelly, stall had been replaced (a vending machine in it’s stead) and a bathroom building had been placed at the far end of the area.
“On the count of three, we rush to our cabins–” Elton began.
“–Three!” Raz shouted and they all passed Elton. Elton and Milka (Lili now knew better than to bunk with Kitty and Franke) headed for their cabin and quickly claimed the top bunks. Milka giggled and Lili dared to smile as they gasped for air and began to unpack. The clothes were stowed away in the drawers built into the bunks. Toothbrushes, combs and the like were left in their backpacks (which were slung over the bunk). Next came decorating.
Milka unpacked an outstanding amount of pictures she carefully taped on the walls. They were pictures of family, friends, places she’d been too, and several celebrities (lets say she’s starstuck). Lili wasn’t so much into the whole decorating thing, though she did tape a picture of her and Raz above her bed.
Raz and Elton weren’t as neat. They chose their bunks and unpacked hastily, eager to see the main-cabin. After packing away all their belongings, the headed outside to meet the girls.
“Hey Lili, are you guys done? I really want to see the main-cabin and the new computer room.” Raz asked.
Lili and Milka nodded and they headed for the main-cabin. Milka and Elton were rather lazy, and activated their levitation-balls to roll down. Raz was about to, until Lili clasped his hand He blushed a deep crimson and couldn’t dare look at Lili. She did it for him. She gave a weak (but heartfelt smile) as they strolled down the bridge . . . hand in hand.
Author’s Notes: and that is that for my second chapter. It was a bit more general with a little more fluff than last time (I apologize for the lack of humor, if you thought I was doing it right, but I can’t really make it funny until I have everything setup). Please review, because I wont update until I get three!
yeah, I missed on 2 updates ... so here are 2 chappys
A Summer of Psychics, Chapter 3
Chapter 2 Spoofs: the whole ‘whoa’ thing is a spoof of an ad. It never Ends–a soap opera on The Simpsons. Vocabulor–a character from ‘The Awesomest Summer’ by KarAniyuki, but as it turns out, belongs to Smon. The delicious burger line is from the Psychonauts homepage.
Disclaimer: You know already, right? No? Look back at chapters one and two, I ain’t writing this anymore.
Raz: What do you mean ‘fun with Cheney shooting incident’?
Me: You’ll see
Raz: is it me that gets shot and nearly dies and has to apologize?
Me: You’ll see
Raz: wait, do I die or not?
Me: No, not yet.
Raz: What?
Me: You’ll see . . .
Chapter Three, Fun with Cheney Shooting Incident!
Elton and Milka had already reached the main cabin, and with a ‘plop’, the orange and lavender levitation balls beneath their feet dissipated. Where were Raz and Lili? They looked to the bridge and saw the pair slowly making their way down the bridge to the main-cabin (their hands now unclasped).
“What took you?” Elton asked. Raz and Lili shrugged in response and walked past Elton and Milka to the main cabin. A slightly miffed Elton walked after them, urging Milka forward.
Apparently, the main cabin was the place to be. Though nearly twice as large, the woodsy feel remained intact, with everything made of cedar. Newspapers and magazines littered the far corner, camp announcements (most wishing the kids to have a nice summer) were tacked on message boards, along with artwork already posted up by some campers, and a scavenger hunt list. Near the stage was a narrow winding staircase leading to THE SECOND STORY. Literally all the camp-kids were in there, chatting and eating. Quentin and Phoebe were already busy entertaining the crowd with their eclectic mix of music up front and Raz rushed up to greet them.
“Howz it goin’ guys?” he asked with utmost sincerity.
Phoebe looked down at him with a smile, “Cool. We renamed ourselves the Whispering Rockers just like you suggested last year. We needed a fresh start ya know? We’re trying to do a sort of Black-Eyed-Peas meets M.I.A sort of thing with our music. . . .Quentin, you messed up!”
Raz backed away as the pair began to fight. He gave a sheepish grin to Raz and Lili as he walked back.
Elton then asked, “have you seen Milka?”
Lili answered, “She’s shy, you can’t expect her to stay visible in front of so many people.” looking on the ground, she noticed a reddish strand of hair that she picked up. Her eyes fluttered a bit as she used clairvoyance on the hair to search for Milka. She spread her arms and hands and walked around out until she grasped something that gave a little yelp at her touch. “AHA!”
Milka’s invisibility drained away and the color began to return to her face, “B-but, there are so many people!” she quivered. Lili rolled her eyes as she tried to comfort Milka. Lili never comforts anyone. So whatever she told her must have been a stab at someone else. Oh well, it got the job done.
Chef Cruller meanwhile, was busy in his kitchen. It had a friendly feel to it, with wooden cabinets and countertops and copper pots hanging decoratively. He was a nimble old man as he juggled between all his cooking. The burgers needed flipping, the hotdogs needed turning, the pizza had to be removed from the stone oven. Behind the counter, a line of children waited eagerly for their lunch. He wiped the sweat off his brow as he brought the pizza out and placed the individual slices on plates to put in the serving station were they were quickly snatched by the thankless, hungry children. Next in line were Raz, Lili, Elton and Milka.
“Why hello you little punk kids. What’s it gonna be?”
“Burgers!” they all squealed happily (even Lili, GASP!). Cruller gestured for them to wait as he hurried back to give them their burgers. They were all hot and juicy with cheese melting over the sides. The four bade him goodby as they searched for a seat to eat in peace. No one else was in line, so Cruller went back to his lovely kitchen simply to admire it. Who said money couldn’t buy happiness? Overcome with joy, he began a stupid musical number too dumb and pointless and embarrassing to type.
Trying to ignore the really annoying crow-cawing, um, wait . . . I mean Cruller’s singing, The four sat down to eat and chat.
“Did anyone do anything interesting or cool over the summer and fall and winter and spring?” Raz asked. Though of course, you know he was dying to tell everything to everyone about how he saved Truman Zannotto.
Elton piped up, “My year wasn’t too bad. I’m doing ok in school and pretty popular too. Well, not popular in the ordinary sense of the word, but I’ve become the toughest and meanest, thus coolest kid in my school. I know I shouldn’t, but now that I can control my powers, I can use them constructively. By using my psychic powers, I brought down the school bully and humiliated the principal and used clairvoyance to see into the girls locker room. Halloween I was actually invited to a cool kid’s party and I got a whole mess of toys during Christmas”
The other’s looked at him nervously, until Raz broke the silence already punctuated by Cruller’s raucous singing, “You mean to say that you’ve never used your psychic abilities to your advantage and invade other people’s privacy?”
Elton fiddled in his seat until Lili groaned, “Loser” and Milka sighed, “Nerdy”.
Lili decided to talk next, “You know all about my kinda crappy summer if you read the news with my dad gettin’ kidnapped and all. But then after that was over with I went back to my mansion where I lived a filthy rich life not really doing anything filthy rich. Halloween kicked butt though”
Milka nodded, “I learned how to drive and saved a baby from a burning building!”
Raz was anxious, “Well I—“
“We know! We’ve all read Vernon’s books!” Lili and Milka and Elton gasped. Raz hung his head and they continued to eat and chat.
In a corner, Vernon was doing a book signing. His autobiography and both books about Raz’s adventures had become worldwide best sellers, so it wasn’t too surprising that he was crowded with fangirls.
“Relax, relax, there is plenty of Vernon to go around. Now where’s my pen? Jeeves? Jeeves?”--a portly British butler handed Vernon a pen upon a silken pillow–“Thank you. Hey Franke, watcha doin’ here?”
“Uh, yeah, what are we doing here? I thought we didn’t do reading” A rather annoyed Kitty asked a rather excited Franke.
Franke gulped, “ . . . Uh, I’m desperate to be near someone famous? Even if they’re lame?”
“Good enough.” Kitty sighed. Franke fought tooth and nail to claw her way to the front of the line where she swooned watching Vernon sign her book.
“Here you go Franke, Franke? Oh my, she’s fainted. This is just like that time when I was attacked by a crazed seagull at that beach and I nearly died from all the peck wounds . . . wait, not really, but it’s a very good story anyway. Chapter 13. It’s said to be one of my most emotional chapters.” Quite appropriately, Cruller began doing a softer, slower melody. It still didn’t sound better, but what the hey.
Phoebe and Quentin had grown rather tired and leaned against their chairs in rest.
“This time tomorrow or next week, Kitty will be mine.” Quentin sighed happily.
“...Ugh, Quentin? Sorry to burst your bubble, but Kitty doesn’t like you. Not now, not ever. In fact, I don’t think she even knows you exist.”
“No sweat, all I have to do is serenade her with this song and these lyrics and she’ll be head over heels for me.” Phoebe snatched the lyrics and sheet music, quickly reading them over. Furrows formed on her brow, her eyebrows turned up unexpectedly and her eyes squinted often. She threw the paper back at Quentin.
“UGH! How can you think that this will impress Kitty? The lyrics got me thinkin’ that you may be a stalker. Did you follow her around with a camera last summer?”
Quentin blushed even as he looked cool, calm and collected, “ . . . maybe . . .”
Pheobe’s eyes rolled with disgust, “You crazy psycho-stalker you! Just look at the lyrics”
(Quentin’s song as told by Phoebe)
“Kitty, oh Kitty,
I wait outside your window in the rain,
Camera in hand,
But there’s so much to gain,
An unhealthy obsession,
Cant get you out my mind,
You have taught me a lesson,
A lesson in love I didn't mind,
I’ll be secretly by side,
Any secret in me you can confide,
I watch you while you’re sleeping,
Taking pictures of your face,
You have me falling for you, your beauty and your grace
OH KITTY OH!”
“You don’t think it’s good? Does it need a hook or what?” Quentin asked.
Things weren’t any better in the tv lounge. In here, Dogan, Crystal, Clem, JT and Chops watched that one show where that one guy punches that one other guy’s crotch. Though Dogan, Crystal and Clem were quiet, JT and Chops were not. They were busy trying to shoot a poster of Oleander square in the eyes. Even JT hadn’t reached this level of accuracy so there were several scorch marks against the wall. At that moment, Nils and Elka walked in.
“What are you doing?” Nils asked. JT and Chops explained. Nils nodded, “I can make some of those posters levitate, it’ll be like we’re hunting”
Chops and JT nodded enthusiastically, patting Nils on the back.
“Why are we hanging out with such losers, no offense JT” Elka asked. Nils shook his head and began to tear the posters off the wall with telekinesis, then started to make them move around. Dogan, Crystal, Clem, and Elka combined their psychic abilities to from a shield. Chops, JT and Nils remained outside, shooting the posters.
BAM! There went one.
BOOM! There went another.
“DIE!” Chops yelled at seeing a particularly glorifying poster of Oleander, but something ran in front of him.
BAM! There went . . . Nils?
“Oh, the pain! The agony! It hurts so much. You son of a--! You shot my beautiful face!” Nils moaned, curled in fetal position. The shield let down and Elka rushed to Nils side.
“Oh my fuzzy-wuzzy bumped his bumpkin!” Elka crooned. Nils slowly got up and pointed a shaky finger at Chops.
“You . . . You shot my beautiful face! You shot me with negative aggression! I was right in front of you! And you shot me!”
Chops sighed, “You are causing me a lot of grief over your injury. So now you must apologize or I might be psychologically scarred for life.”
“Really? Oh . . . sorry?”
“Apology accepted”
And they learned nothing at all. In fact, they continued to shoot posters while the others watched. Behind the protective shield, Dogan talked to Clem about his squirrel trouble.
“So I’m their servant, right? But I can’t be there all the time to help them train and assemble their army of ferocious ninjas. I just can’t. What can I do?”
Clem’s eyes twitched, “Ninja army? Wow. You really are in trouble. If I were you, I’d try to do whatever they say and ignore my life beyond them”
“Really? Why?” Dogan asked.
Clem shuddered before curling up into fetal position and sucking his thumb, “It was long ago. I lost my favorite toy and I went to them for help. It was like dealing with the mafia. I had to do them favors. When I didn’t do something right, bad stuff happened. My plush horse’s head getting chopped off. My pencils breaking during tests. My reds mixed with whites. I had to go to school with pink sweaters for a week!”
At this point, Raz, Lili, Elton and Milka were finished eating and ventured up to the second story. The computer room was their more specific destination. Several shiny computers were arranged on two long tables, back to back. Bobby, Benny and Milla were already there. The four seated themselves at some computers, and followed their own agendas.
Milla was good with computers, but she was having some trouble. Should she buy the Fresh- To- Death vanilla scented, frizz- free mousse for 23 dollars? Or the GlamGirl volume enhancing mousse for 25? She bit her nails in despair. What to buy? Closing here eyes, she clicked the mouse randomly. Ok, Fresh-To-Death. Not bad mousse. But why not both? Too much dinero.
But she couldn’t resist.
She went to the previous page and groaned. Mascara for 13 bucks. And a good brand too. She succumbed to her shopaholicism and bought it anyway. Did she need frilly socks? No. But she bought it anyway. There went her money, at the click of a button.
Bobby and Benny giggled while at the computer, the screen covered by Bobby’s orange Afro.
“Teeheehee!” Benny laughed.
“Dude, she is awesome!” Bobby jeered.
“Wish I could have one of those to take home”
“They aren’t expensive, contrary to popular belief.”
“So are those the real things?”
“Yup, all natural. Just what Mother Nature gave her”
“Wow. They are very nice and round too”
“Overall, it’s a nice set of melons she got, eh?”
“I know! And dig those cute chicks near her!”
“They aren’t that great”
Raz, Lili, Elton and Milka were rather bored now, and headed over to where Bobby Zilch and Benny were seated. The screen was now hidden by their heads. Their eyes widened in awe/horror at the sight. “MILLA! COME LOOK!” they screamed.
Milla tore herself from her shopping to investigate. Now her eyes widened and she pressed her hand over her mouth,
“OH MY GOSH! IS THIS FOR REAL?”
And finally, their large heads moved into sight, revealing the image. It was a little five year old girl with blond hair and freckles leaning against two very large melons five times taller and seven times wider than her. She held up a county- fair blue ribbon proudly in her hands to accompany her toothy grin. And at her feet, were a dozen fluffy, yellow chicks.
It had been an eventful day and the sun was beginning to set. The four walked down the staircase and Lili noticed an announcement for a bonfire that night. She nudged Raz and pointed. He understood and agreed. Their next destination? The bonfire.
A/N: You matynot have gotten alot of the humor if you werent keepin' up with the Cheney shooting scandal, but the man that Cheney shot actually had to apologize to Cheney so that he wouldnt be traumatized. Anywho, Hoped you liked it! And remember, three reviews so I can update!
A personal favorite, here's chapter 4! I't got plenty of Vernon, so I'm sure that Kingcheez is rejoicing ... or stalking ...
A Summer of Psychics: Chapter 4
[I]Chapter3Spoofs/Eastereggs: not much other than that the whole Chops shooting Nils being a parody of the Cheney shooting incident. And in case you didn’t know, the man that was shot actually had to apologize to Cheney, the dude that shot him.
Disclaimer: Okay, I admit it: I own Psychonauts—— in Lalaland where I also rule over a massive army of evil penguins of doom with a bad case of sugar-high. But when we are talking about true life, the title and it’s characters belong to Double Fine in the sky.
A/N: you’ll get those seemingly misplaced quotation marks when you finish, and the part in italics makes sense when you finish too.
Raz: Ooooh . . .Bonfire! Just me and Lili . . . and like six or seven other people . . . but Ooooh, bonfire! Is there an excruciating amount of saccharin fluff that does absolutely nothing for the nonexistent plot?
Me: Well, you might have an idea of what to expect if you read the title.
Raz (after reading title): Aaaaw! I so wanted to live long enough to be able to invade the privacy of my fellow campmates with my psychicportalofdoom-thingymabobber when we were like, older!
Me: I thought you already invaded their privacy on a daily basis
Raz: I do . . . but does that mean there wont be any fluff?
Me: (groan) You have the insanity of a manatee . . .
Raz: I’ll take that as a compliment as manatees are graceful, gentle creatures.
Me: hmm . . . Raz . . .graceful and gentle?
Chapter 4, Lake Excursion of Death:
It had all started with the damn bonfire. Lili and Raz had walked down to the campfire area and had taken their seats. It had been a very innocent thing, no rule-breaking, no danger. But one thing led to another and the two ended up doing something very stupid just because Vernon said so.
“It was morning, and the sun was just beginning to rise. No one but Raz, Lili, Vernon, Milka and Elton were awake at this time. It had been easy to sneak out and steal the canoes. Very easy. Wow, for a super-secret government facility it’s security sure sucked.
They had taken the canoe rather far into the water, and I think I’ve forgotten to mention that IT WAS EFFIN’ COLD! There was like, mist everywhere, and the mist was like, cold. And the cold was like, bad.
“You bet it’s cold, you stupid inconsiderate jerk of an author!” Raz said aloud. I’m gonna make him pay, the stupid inconsiderate jerk of a idiot . . .
“Who are you talking to?” Lili asked with her hands on her hips.
“The disembodied voice in my head, that stupid, inconsiderate jerk of an author!”
“Author?”
“ Yeah. But ya know, I’m not sure how or why it’s an author, or how and why I know . . .”
“I’m sooo tired” Milka yawned, “Do any of you have any coffee, or something?”
Vernon raised his hand, “I have some bottles of iced coffee back at my cabin”
Milka groaned and rolled her eyes. Elton looked at Milka, then over the lake. Lake Oblongata really did look quite romantic at this time of day. What with the mist that hung over the dark, still water, the birdsong he usually thought was annoying, the sunrise that painted the sky a really nice gold color, and the smell of the pine trees that looked all hazy on the shores.
“You know what, Milka? This place looks really beautiful if you can ignore this eternal cold comparable to a vortex of doom that sucks in all joy and warmth.”
Milka blushed and smiled and their hands were just so close to holding—
“Can you please repeat that Elton? I didn’t have the chance to write it all down,” Vernon asked, with a pencil and notebook in his hands.
Milka, Elton, Raz and Lili gave Vernon an odd look.
Lili sighed, “What do you think you’re doing?”
Vernon turned toward her, “I’m searching for material for my new book– A Summer of Stories: A True to Life Account of Adventure and Excitement. Since this is a true to life account of adventure and excitement, I need real material. Why else do you think I asked you guys to steal expensive campground equipment to go on a stupid and pointless lake excursion with me at the risk of expulsion and or death?”
Raz looked at Lili, and Elton looked at Milka. And they looked at Vernon. And Vernon stared back at them with evil hamster-eyes, tapping on his notebook.
“Go on. Act all mushy and gushy and icky and stuff”
He was followed by a simultaneous groan.
Lili shivered in her coat as she wrapped it around her closer. Raz saw his chance for pointless fluff ( Raz’s note: disembodied voice in my head, I forgive you). Thus begins the humor, stupidity, insanity and deathishness.
“How did we ever get into this?” Lili shivered.
“Cuz I said so” Vernon said with a little pout.
“Don’t worry, Lili, I can make sure that this boat stays nice and toasty . . .” Raz grinned slyly.
“Something smells like it’s burning,” sniffed Elton.
“Well, DUH. What did you think pyrokinesis was?” Raz asked.
Bonk!
“Whydja hit me?” Raz asked Lili as he massaged his oversized head. At that moment . . .
“FIRE!” squealed a very terrified Milka.
“WELL DUH! What do YOU think pyrokinesis is!” Raz yelled over the screaming as the little canoe was engulfed by his mind-flames of utter doom.
“RAZ, YOU IDIOT!” Lili screamed at the top of her lungs as she tried to choke Raz with telekinesis. Meanwhile, a frantic Elton and Milka levitated the boat to the thing nearest to them: a rock in the middle of the lake.
“GOOD GOD! I’m not that stupid!” Raz yelled to Vernon. Vernon merely shrugged in response.
Just as the little boat was completely eaten by the flames, the kids jumped out and onto the rock. It was like knowing there were only two episodes left till your favorite show was over. It’s kickass but depressing at the same time. Plus it smelled really bad. The group of five watched the little canoe burn before them with a look of terror until the canoe’s flames died out, and the little watercraft (now only a charred mass of wood) sank into the water.
“Great” Vernon said.
“Yeah. Great. This is just—— great.” Lili groaned.
“I know. This makes some excellent material, doncha think?” Vernon asked as he wrote away furiously in his notebook.
Another simultaneous groan.
Raz dug his hands into his pockets and coughed, ‘Cough, cough’.
Followed by . . .
Crickets chirping.
Followed by . . .
Crow’s cawing.
Five or so seconds passed in uneasy silence.
Que the crick—
“Okay, we get it!” Raz yelled to the sky, “No more crickets! No more crows!”
Vernon continued writing, “ Someone starts to go mad...And thus begins our epic quest for survival . . . .”
It had been, like, forever. And forever is like, long. All the dudes had grown 5:00 shadows, and Vernon had been recording everything that had happened to them in his journal. Elton was trying to talk the fish into saving them, Raz was rocking back and forth as his eye twitched, Milka was laughing for no reason as she talked to a rock she had named Joe.
Lili kept her composure as she checked her watch, “Don’t be so dramatic, it’s only been five minutes”
“I know you’re trying to stay positive, but you can’t lie, especially if you’re lie is an absurd and nonsensical falsity,” Raz spoke. After noticing how five minutes could make Raz act crazy (i.e.: smart), Lili sulked and went back to being all depressed and bored and emo.
Elton then began laughing hysterically, “I think I’ve saved us!” Elton said. The other’s looked at him with a look of bewilderment.
Elton tapped his noggin and gestured for them to be silent, “Oh mighty lake-creature, save us from this eternal rock of misery and we will grant you any wish you desire!”
“Why didn’t I think of asking Linda before?” Raz thought aloud because he had somehow gotten the idea that it was cool.
Another stretch of eternity passed before ripples were seen on the lakes surface . . .
But instead of a giant, mutant, lumpy lumpfish, tentacles emerged and snatched a screaming Elton into the dark water below.
"OH @#$!!”AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (stops to catch breath) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
And like that, Elton was gone. The others looked on with fright— except for Vernon who started writing again.
“Elton, "NNNNNNNNNNNNNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOO (stops to catch breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Raz yelled as he peered into the water. But, as he edged closer, he lost his footing...
And slipped...
“Help! I’m drowning!” Raz pleaded.
The other remaining three just looked at him.
“Why aren’t you helping me . . .oh” Raz replied as he realized what had just happened and stood up. He crawled back to the rock and squeezed the water out of his hair, “Well, I sure feel stupid. How ‘bout you?”
Vernon groaned, “Screw true to life tales, true to life is just too boring and embarrassing. I’ll just make these true tales up. And here I thought I had a Newberry award winner.”
Milka buried her face in her hands, “I guess the water’s just so murky and dirty that we couldn’t tell where the shallow water ended and where the deep water began”
“Eeeeew . . .” they all said at once.
Lili’s eye twitched as she looked at the water and she let out an ear-splitting scream, “Oh $@*%”
“Girls don’t say $@*%!” Raz said.
“But you just said $@*%!” Lili replied.
“Only because you said $@*%, and I was trying to tell you to not say ”$@*%
“How come guys can say $@*% but girls can’t?”
“Guys shouldn’t say $@*% either. Let’s just agree that Elton is a vulgar son of a witch”
“Yeah, I didn’t like him too much anyways, he made me make my innocence dirty”
So did that mean that they were safe? Sorta . . . they were too snotty to get their clothes wet, so they continued to wait for someone to rescue them on the rock. Idiots. Conceited idiots. And Que the crickets!
Meanwhile, under the lake . . . Elton found himself in a cave eating a delicious pancake breakfast alongside the lake monster (not Linda). It was like a giant octopus or something...lets just say it’s all slimy and ugly, okay?
“So, are you the lake monster that stole my brains last summer?”
“No, that was Linda the lungfish”
“Linda? But she was such a nice fish!”
“It was her alright”
“Oh no she didn’t!” (Snap snap snap!).
“Oh yes she did!”
“Ooooh, next time I see her I’m really gonna get all up in her grill! And she thought I was annoying before! Hmph! . . . Hey, whydja drag me down here?”
“I was lonely, the telemarketers stopped calling, not sure why. Whenever they called I was real nice and actually chatted with them, asking them how they were doing and everything. . .Now EAT and SHUTUP if you want to live!”
“Yes ma’am,” he began stuffing his face again.
On shore . . .Ten minutes passed (full of chirping cricket noises) until they decided to screw it and just walk through the water to shore cuz they were getting hungry. But there wasn’t no cheesy happy ending.
Just as they reached the shore of the lake, Raz, Lili and Milka just died without a reason. That’s right, died. Vernon was the only one left, and he made a new book about the time spent on the rock. None of it was true, as the title said, but it made him rich(er). And Elton died because he didn’t finish all of the pancakes. His skeleton washed ashore and all the little bits of flesh were eaten by the birds and they made another four gravestones to put in the campfire area. Oh, and Vernon totally macked with Kitty. And that’s The End.”
Vernon gave a happy sigh as he looked around the campfire, “Well? How was the story?”
“Oh my god” Raz and Lili said as they stood up to leave for the cabins. Not to mention that Franke was crying. But others (like Dogan and Clem and Crystal) clapped and cheered for Vernon.
“Anyone mind if I tell that story over? Anyone? Noone? Alright —— “
A/N: and that’s that for this chapter, in case you didn’t get it, the phrase in italics meant that the real Raz was talking to the real Vernon. And remember, three reviews for me to update!
A Summer of Psychics: Chapter 4
Chapter3Spoofs/Eastereggs: not much other than that the whole Chops shooting Nils being a parody of the Cheney shooting incident. And in case you didn’t know, the man that was shot actually had to apologize to Cheney, the dude that shot him.
Disclaimer: Okay, I admit it: I own Psychonauts—— in Lalaland where I also rule over a massive army of evil penguins of doom with a bad case of sugar-high. But when we are talking about true life, the title and it’s characters belong to Double Fine in the sky.
A/N: you’ll get those seemingly misplaced quotation marks when you finish, and the part in italics makes sense when you finish too.
Raz: Ooooh . . .Bonfire! Just me and Lili . . . and like six or seven other people . . . but Ooooh, bonfire! Is there an excruciating amount of saccharin fluff that does absolutely nothing for the nonexistent plot?
Me: Well, you might have an idea of what to expect if you read the title.
Raz (after reading title): Aaaaw! I so wanted to live long enough to be able to invade the privacy of my fellow campmates with my psychicportalofdoom-thingymabobber when we were like, older!
Me: I thought you already invaded their privacy on a daily basis
Raz: I do . . . but does that mean there wont be any fluff?
Me: (groan) You have the insanity of a manatee . . .
Raz: I’ll take that as a compliment as manatees are graceful, gentle creatures.
Me: hmm . . . Raz . . .graceful and gentle?
Chapter 4, Lake Excursion of Death:
It had all started with the damn bonfire. Lili and Raz had walked down to the campfire area and had taken their seats. It had been a very innocent thing, no rule-breaking, no danger. But one thing led to another and the two ended up doing something very stupid just because Vernon said so.
“It was morning, and the sun was just beginning to rise. No one but Raz, Lili, Vernon, Milka and Elton were awake at this time. It had been easy to sneak out and steal the canoes. Very easy. Wow, for a super-secret government facility it’s security sure sucked.
They had taken the canoe rather far into the water, and I think I’ve forgotten to mention that IT WAS EFFIN’ COLD! There was like, mist everywhere, and the mist was like, cold. And the cold was like, bad.
“You bet it’s cold, you stupid inconsiderate jerk of an author!” Raz said aloud. I’m gonna make him pay, the stupid inconsiderate jerk of a idiot . . .
“Who are you talking to?” Lili asked with her hands on her hips.
“The disembodied voice in my head, that stupid, inconsiderate jerk of an author!”
“Author?”
“ Yeah. But ya know, I’m not sure how or why it’s an author, or how and why I know . . .”
“I’m sooo tired” Milka yawned, “Do any of you have any coffee, or something?”
Vernon raised his hand, “I have some bottles of iced coffee back at my cabin”
Milka groaned and rolled her eyes. Elton looked at Milka, then over the lake. Lake Oblongata really did look quite romantic at this time of day. What with the mist that hung over the dark, still water, the birdsong he usually thought was annoying, the sunrise that painted the sky a really nice gold color, and the smell of the pine trees that looked all hazy on the shores.
“You know what, Milka? This place looks really beautiful if you can ignore this eternal cold comparable to a vortex of doom that sucks in all joy and warmth.”
Milka blushed and smiled and their hands were just so close to holding—
“Can you please repeat that Elton? I didn’t have the chance to write it all down,” Vernon asked, with a pencil and notebook in his hands.
Milka, Elton, Raz and Lili gave Vernon an odd look.
Lili sighed, “What do you think you’re doing?”
Vernon turned toward her, “I’m searching for material for my new book– A Summer of Stories: A True to Life Account of Adventure and Excitement. Since this is a true to life account of adventure and excitement, I need real material. Why else do you think I asked you guys to steal expensive campground equipment to go on a stupid and pointless lake excursion with me at the risk of expulsion and or death?”
Raz looked at Lili, and Elton looked at Milka. And they looked at Vernon. And Vernon stared back at them with evil hamster-eyes, tapping on his notebook.
“Go on. Act all mushy and gushy and icky and stuff”
He was followed by a simultaneous groan.
Lili shivered in her coat as she wrapped it around her closer. Raz saw his chance for pointless fluff ( Raz’s note: disembodied voice in my head, I forgive you). Thus begins the humor, stupidity, insanity and deathishness.
“How did we ever get into this?” Lili shivered.
“Cuz I said so” Vernon said with a little pout.
“Don’t worry, Lili, I can make sure that this boat stays nice and toasty . . .” Raz grinned slyly.
“Something smells like it’s burning,” sniffed Elton.
“Well, DUH. What did you think pyrokinesis was?” Raz asked.
Bonk!
“Whydja hit me?” Raz asked Lili as he massaged his oversized head. At that moment . . .
“FIRE!” squealed a very terrified Milka.
“WELL DUH! What do YOU think pyrokinesis is!” Raz yelled over the screaming as the little canoe was engulfed by his mind-flames of utter doom.
“RAZ, YOU IDIOT!” Lili screamed at the top of her lungs as she tried to choke Raz with telekinesis. Meanwhile, a frantic Elton and Milka levitated the boat to the thing nearest to them: a rock in the middle of the lake.
“GOOD GOD! I’m not that stupid!” Raz yelled to Vernon. Vernon merely shrugged in response.
Just as the little boat was completely eaten by the flames, the kids jumped out and onto the rock. It was like knowing there were only two episodes left till your favorite show was over. It’s kickass but depressing at the same time. Plus it smelled really bad. The group of five watched the little canoe burn before them with a look of terror until the canoe’s flames died out, and the little watercraft (now only a charred mass of wood) sank into the water.
“Great” Vernon said.
“Yeah. Great. This is just—— great.” Lili groaned.
“I know. This makes some excellent material, doncha think?” Vernon asked as he wrote away furiously in his notebook.
Another simultaneous groan.
Raz dug his hands into his pockets and coughed, ‘Cough, cough’.
Followed by . . .
Crickets chirping.
Followed by . . .
Crow’s cawing.
Five or so seconds passed in uneasy silence.
Que the crick—
“Okay, we get it!” Raz yelled to the sky, “No more crickets! No more crows!”
Vernon continued writing, “ Someone starts to go mad...And thus begins our epic quest for survival . . . .”
It had been, like, forever. And forever is like, long. All the dudes had grown 5:00 shadows, and Vernon had been recording everything that had happened to them in his journal. Elton was trying to talk the fish into saving them, Raz was rocking back and forth as his eye twitched, Milka was laughing for no reason as she talked to a rock she had named Joe.
Lili kept her composure as she checked her watch, “Don’t be so dramatic, it’s only been five minutes”
“I know you’re trying to stay positive, but you can’t lie, especially if you’re lie is an absurd and nonsensical falsity,” Raz spoke. After noticing how five minutes could make Raz act crazy (i.e.: smart), Lili sulked and went back to being all depressed and bored and gothic.
Elton then began laughing hysterically, “I think I’ve saved us!” Elton said. The other’s looked at him with a look of bewilderment.
Elton tapped his noggin and gestured for them to be silent, “Oh mighty lake-creature, save us from this eternal rock of misery and we will grant you any wish you desire!”
“Why didn’t I think of asking Linda before?” Raz thought aloud because he had somehow gotten the idea that it was cool.
Another stretch of eternity passed before ripples were seen on the lakes surface . . .
But instead of a giant, mutant, lumpy lumpfish, tentacles emerged and snatched a screaming Elton into the dark water below.
"OH $#$#!”A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AA A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A (stops to catch breath) A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A A AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA (stops to catch breath again) AAAAAAAAAAA HHHHHHH!"
An like that, Elton was gone. The others looked on with fright— except for Vernon who started writing again.
“Elton, NNNOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO(Stops to catch breath) OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,” Raz yelled as he peered into the water. But, as he edged closer, he lost his footing...
And slipped...
“Help! I’m drowning!” Raz pleaded.
The other remaining three just looked at him.
“Why aren’t you helping me . . .oh” Raz replied as he realized what had just happened and stood up. He crawled back to the rock and squeezed the water out of his hair, “Well, I sure feel stupid. How ‘bout you?”
Vernon groaned, “Screw true to life tales, true to life is just too boring and embarrassing. I’ll just make these true tales up. And here I thought I had a Newberry award winner.”
Milka buried her face in her hands, “I guess the water’s just so murky and dirty that we couldn’t tell where the shallow water ended and where the deep water began”
“Eeeeew . . .” they all said at once.
Lili’s eye twitched as she looked at the water and she let out an ear-splitting scream, “Oh $#$#!”
“Girls don’t say $#$#!” Raz said.
“But you just said $#$#!” Lili replied.
“Only because you said $#$#, and I was trying to tell you to not say $#!”
“How come guys can say $#$# but girls can’t?”
“Guys shouldn’t say $# $#either. Let’s just agree that Elton is a vulgar son of a witch”
“Yeah, I didn’t like him too much anyways, he made me make my innocence dirty”
So did that mean that they were safe? Sorta . . . they were too snotty to get their clothes wet, so they continued to wait for someone to rescue them on the rock. Idiots. Conceited idiots. And Que the crickets!
Meanwhile, under the lake . . . Elton found himself in a cave eating a delicious pancake breakfast alongside the lake monster (not Linda). It was like a giant octopus or something...lets just say it’s all slimy and ugly, okay?
“So, are you the lake monster that stole my brains last summer?”
“No, that was Linda the lungfish”
“Linda? But she was such a nice fish!”
“It was her alright”
“Oh no she didn’t!” (Snap snap snap!).
“Oh yes she did!”
“Ooooh, next time I see her I’m really gonna get all up in her grill! And she thought I was annoying before! Hmph! . . . Hey, whydja drag me down here?”
“I was lonely, the telemarketers stopped calling, not sure why. Whenever they called I was real nice and actually chatted with them, asking them how they were doing and everything. . .Now EAT and SHUTUP if you want to live!”
“Yes ma’am,” he began stuffing his face again.
On shore . . .Ten minutes passed (full of chirping cricket noises) until they decided to screw it and just walk through the water to shore cuz they were getting hungry. But there wasn’t no cheesy happy ending.
Just as they reached the shore of the lake, Raz, Lili and Milka just died without a reason. That’s right, died. Vernon was the only one left, and he made a new book about the time spent on the rock. None of it was true, as the title said, but it made him rich(er). And Elton died because he didn’t finish all of the pancakes. His skeleton washed ashore and all the little bits of flesh were eaten by the birds and they made another four gravestones to put in the campfire area. Oh, and Vernon totally macked with Kitty. And that’s The End.”
Vernon gave a happy sigh as he looked around the campfire, “Well? How was the story?”
“Oh my god” Raz and Lili said as they stood up to leave for the cabins. Not to mention that Franke was crying. But others (like Dogan and Clem and Crystal) clapped and cheered for Vernon.
“Anyone mind if I tell that story over? Anyone? Noone? Alright —— “
A/N: and that’s that for this chapter, in case you didn’t get it, the phrase in italics meant that the real Raz was talking to the real Vernon. And remember, three reviews for me to update!
God I love this story so much continue it oh god continue it.
Cheez, it's only FF net. All nine chapters of it. Now we're just waiting for Miss Mayhem to update it so we have 10 chapters, isn't that right Miss Mayhem?
Yup! I'm working on it, so don't worry. it's gonna rock. I also want to start a bonus chapter written by contribution here.
In what way do you mean this?!?!?!
I am confuzzled...
how to explain...ah! I write so much of the chapter, then I leave it free for someone to contribute and add more, who in turn stops so that someone can continue from that point.